Yet, another 2 years and another dream...

In my dreams, a self-aware android version of you was created with all your memories intact, unaware of the originals passing. In my dream we were once again sharing a meal where I was telling you everything that has happened recently. I can still feel the happiness I felt in the dream. Later, for some reason, we were separated and in our eventual reunion, I cried my heart out and held onto the android version of you; sobbing like a little boy. Refusing to ever let go again.

The android was surprised and asked, "How long has it been since you last seen me?" and as the continued sobbing remained the only answer you come to the realisation and said "Oh, I see what happened".

Yet another 2 years since your passing and yet another dream that left me in tears upon waking. Next week will mark the 4th year since we lost you and this morning I discovered how much it still hurts.

Two years

It's been two years since your passing, all I can say is that I miss you so much. More than I thought it's humanly possible. I write to you, dedicated my heart (and my proverbial soul) to your passing and as the tears stream down my face my limited literary abilities are unable to convey my pain at your passing and wish, oh so wish that I can spend another day with you. Just to hear your laugh and listen to you call me an idiot again.....oh if only life could be so merciful

I'm a Fool

For reasons unknown to me, you started to talk to me again yesterday.
For reasons yet unknown you treated me to lunch.

I know not the reason of your indifference to my existence and suddenly after a while you contacted me again. Was it the rather problematic confession that I made to your good friend?

Your intentions are a mystery to me; however I know why I was grinning like an idiot for most of today even though it was rough and horrible day...because I was able to bask myself in your presence again.

I'm such an irredeemable fool.

This familar feeling

It hurts, there is no longer any need to deny it to myself or anyone else should I be confronted by it. I have completely and hopelessly fallen in love with a married woman.

Simple words that carry so much weight and so much guilt. It's been years since I felt this way and even longer since I have felt this alone, this helpless and this obsessed with a single person.

My heart is broken and a thousand little cracks has formed and it feels like my hearts life blood is flowing through; along with all my insecurities, fears, pain and scars.

Yes, you are definitely the rock that will smash my heart into a million pieces

I have fallen in love, again

Originally this posts title was "Seriously? How can I possibly be upset" and I realised quickly that I'm lying to myself. I know exactly why I'm so upset.

Today is my 35th birthday, while I never expected you to be spending it with me; I wished and hoped you would. At least an attempt? Lie to me, tell me all kinds of excuse why you couldn't and I will believe you - because I have fallen hopelessly in love with you.

Seeing you tonight with someone else was heartbreaking. I felt the earth gave way under me and I free fall towards the centre of the earth. All I wanted to do was find myself a hole and cry myself to sleep.

I feel like I have been doing  this all wrong; all wrong.

Puppy Love and Mature Affections

The last month has been an interesting time in my life; I have always wondered what it will be like to be admired and even somewhat stalked by members of the opposite sex and recently for the first time in my life I am the object of such adoration; more admired than stalked but still.

Sure it is just puppy love, most wouldn't call her young, but in reality she is young and yet so innocent; in the end since I neither find her physically attractive nor intellectually engaging; so it is not at all complicated. I do sometimes find it little irresistible to not tease her; but otherwise just harmless banter.

What is however very complicated is my growing affection for the incredibly fascinating, young and most importantly: attractive woman. The coup de grace of the whole thing: she is a married woman. The mutual attraction between the two of us is palpable. Both of us are engaging in a constant contradicting dance of attraction and repulsion. Have not been this obsessed with a member of the opposite sex for a long long time.

I don't think either of us are willing to stop...or even capable of stopping, like the mouth that flies into the flame both of us seems helpless to our own emotional contradictions

夢中方可永久地，接近你

            夢中方可永久地，接近你

"So that in my dreams I can forever be close to you"

                                                "After I leave" - Jacky Zheung

I had another dream about you, both me and Justin were getting ready to meet you for dinner. Both of us were excited to catch up and we felt like we haven't seen you in years...

But delay after delay meant you kept asking when we will arrive and I kept responding that we will be there soon. In my dream the expectation built and I couldn't voice how much I wanted to be able to see you again...

But, after the umpteenth time that we were delayed (amazing amount of car trouble), you sent us a message asking how much longer we will be and in my despair I realised: "But you passed away, how is this possible"

I woke up after that message, and the feeling not akin to despair and depression once again set in. I wanted so badly for the dream to continue that in my dreams I can once again look upon your face and imagine myself hearing you infectious laughter once again. 

More than anything else, I didn't want to wake up, I wanted; desperately needed to feel your company once again... Oh god, why am I torturing myself like this again.

Under a Sky Without You

On Friday I went to your memorial service, to be frank it was a terrible affair; the speeches were awful, on the one end of the spectrum it lacked the dignity of a proper memorial service; on the other end it lacked the informal openness that should have celebrated your life.

Or, is that I am asking for too much? To celebrate your life would seem impossible as you were so many things to so many of us. I guess, I needed my own closure and hoped...wished that this memorial would give me something.

I realised that I was mistaken, your accident happened on the Saturday not the Sunday. I also found that that there another person by the name of Jacques who was with you...I can make educated guesses as to which one...but I guess since he didn't come to the memorial he is going more pain and suffering than anyone could understand. It was a freak accident, could've happen to anyone. One a good day you would've left it with a few new bruises. All your harness and safety gear but just a freak accident...that is all.

MS, your ex as a brave man. Insisting to speak at your funeral and spoke of the amazing time you two spent together. Far braver than me, your sister hinted if I wanted to make an eulogy... I wanted to but I was terrified, that small doubt in my heart infinitely magnified...what happens if this is all just wishful thinking like JN? She assumed she was your close and personal friend and whom you also nonchalantly proclaimed that "she has misunderstood our friendship".

I was terrified to find out that I was just merely another friend...and judging from the 200 plus attendance at your memorial there a lot of them. Was I just "merely" a friend? Not someone that you held dear. I was terrified that if I made the eulogy I would discover the unfortunately truth.

Yet your departure was only real to me for the first time yesterday. Even during the memorial I was expecting you to come screaming onto the stage and tell us  that we have all been punked... I even had a small speech ready in my mind to obliterate you when you do...oh, how I wish it was true.

Walking under the beautiful blue Cape Town sky today and suddenly it hit me. Julia Chen's bright smile is no longer lit by this African sun. The full impact of your passing finally swelled up in my chest as I realised that there will be no more rendezvous with just the two of us at another funkily awesome restaurant where I (in Cape Town) would ask where in the world did you find this place. After discovering that jealous significant others are only hindrance to our reunion we have long since stopped inviting them. It was just the two of us, sharing stories and encouraging each other on the way forward. It was one of the highlights of each of my visits to the Mother City.

All of that is gone now, and each time I look to this beautiful Capetownian sky all I feel is sadness. The heartache that I will never ever see you again. I mentioned before, but this city will never be the same again.

Goodbye Julia

Where does one start when they try to commemorate one of the greatest persons to have ever lived?

"Today was is possibly one of my saddest days in my life; your passing was so sudden, and the void of your absence will be felt. Cape Town will never be the same again"

Terrible start, a message left on Facebook while tears streamed down my face and trying to be cryptic in case there are still close friends who are not aware of her passing. It was too short, verbose yet not enough. The despair deepens as I tried to face one of the most miserable weeks at my job, ever.

Two days later I attempted it again, this time posting in a less active forum; WeChat Moments:

"No amount of words, no matter how eloquent can describe this feeling of loss, the void and anguish. Tears could not wash away the pain and I find myself hating your one love that has stolen you from us."

Better in some ways, yet worst in others. My troubled mind was tired; and overwhelmed with such sorrow that words could not come to mind. So let me try again, in my own little corner of thoughts that is at the same time public and private.

On Sunday the 4th June, Julia Chen after suffering a fall while climbing admitted herself to hospital; was placed in a medical coma to relieve the brain swelling and by evening that night was pronounced brain dead. Mid-day Monday the call was made to pull the plug.

For better part of a decade you have been a constant in my life, and I find myself extremely proud to be called one of your close friends, one of those whom you have shared your dark humour and cynicism with; despite your reputation for being one of happiest, warmest and radiant personalities in the world. You showed me a side of you that is rarely seen; and deep in my heart I want to believe that side of you is mine along. I want to believe that so much right now as I hope claim a side of you as my own. 

Go well, my dear friend. My love for Cape Town will never be the same again, your departure will forever darken the city of lights that I have held dear all these years. Tears will never be able to wash away this loss; only time can do that and I hope it never does as it diminish the magnitude of this loss. I can't help but hate your love of climbing, it took away one of the brightest lights in my life and I can never forgive it, ever. 

A Part of Me is Crying Tonight

Perhaps it's the Snow Show, perhaps it's the wine, almost certainly have SOMETHING to do with reading Lonely Planet guides on travels routes that for some reason touched me deep inside. While waiting for the show to started I paged through travel guides and a unfamiliar wonderlust embraced me.

I have always been aware of my happiness and or or the lack thereof and the causes of it. Yet, I feel like I don't know anymore. Is this happiness? Is this lukewarm existence what I have to look forward to?

Is this an existential crisis? Or perhaps that in my mind of minds I know what is coming and stuff refuse to admit it to myself? 

Slava's Snow Show

Foreword: First post of 2016! Busy writing this with a heavy heart and a bottle of superb Morgenhof's Merlot Cabernet Franc 2011 - a wine that I tasted last weekend and has since promptly brought a case. Great value and certainly will pay more attention to the estate going into the future.

Watched the Slava's Snow Show at Monte Casino (Teatro) today with B, my 2 sisters and my youngest niece. Overall it was not a great production: occasionally funny, great spectator engaging props (giant multi coloured balls at the end, spiders web, and the finale with the fake snow). However, overall I was desperately trying to fight off sleep for most of the performance. The whole performance would certainly be underwhelming and forgettable if not for the amazing scene at the train station where the protagonist set up a coat rack with a woman's coat and a woman's hat; then for 5 minutes brought the imaginary woman to life. The parting scene was heart wrenching and I felt my emotions manipulated exactly as the show intended. Damn them!

Reviewing One's Wealth

About 2 months ago I  finally paid off my loan; possibly the worst financial decision of my life. Taking the loan out in US Dollars was a HUGE mistake. But luckily my income increased to more than compensate the Rand Dollar exchange rate and I paid it off in less than 4 years.

Since then, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the excess cash that I'm no longer using to pay off the loan. In the past when the Chinese economy was doing really well I saved the cash and put into a loan shark programme that is borderline illegal that most members of my family has been investing with for a long time. But with the downturn in the economy, that is no longer a viable option. Seriously 18% return has been amazing.

I looked at my options and created a bunch of spreadsheets to analysis my current asset profile and I can't help but become rather infatuated with the bottom line - a respectable sum of around R3.5m. I'm sure that if I rewind 4 years beforehand I would be over the moon. But can't help feeling rather underwhelmed and disappointed with myself.
The natural thing from that point on was to project my current earning levels, adjusted for any possible raises over 5 years and came out with another number...again somewhat underwhelmed and deeply disappointed considering that close to 70% of my earnings are saved.

Man's desires are unlimited and I'm merely exhibiting that trait; on the other hand I guess I'm still not satisfied with anything in my life...no matter what. But with that being said; I hope that I can continue this trend of "underwhelming" financial accumulation. LOL

On a lighter note - I was at a wedding last weekend and felt a very strong sense of inadequacy when the other guests at the wedding was lumping around Leica M9's (yes plural) and Leica Prime Lenses. One of them was nice enough to let me play with his M9 mated with a Leica 50mm f/0.95. A combination that is worth over R300k. The experience had me eyeing a full metal body, manual focused Nikon 50mm f1.2. Completely impractical, expensive and hipster as hell.

To Be Ruthless

Since taking up this job I have been incredibly sheltered by the politics and the inner battles within the company.

Once in a while though I feel the need and somewhat perverse desire to take part in the intrigue and exercise my power to actually destroy someone's career in a company. But despite having that power, opportunity and desire I have not exercised those opportunities because I was too soft. The first time round I backed down and my boss did what I couldn't do.

Fast forwarded 3 year and odd months I find myself sitting in a similar situation and complained about a certain co-worker who has basically stabbed me in the back and blamed many recent failures squarely on my head. I will admit to anyone that I indeed drop the ball; however to just blame everything on me truly exaggerated my abilities and influence within the company, and once again I felt an immense sense of betrayal from someone whom I have helped and supported all this time. I vented my frustrations to another coworker and I sworn that I will get my revenge when I get the opportunity. He surprised me by looking me in the eyes and asked "But can you actually do it this time round?".

I was actually shocked for a  second and realised that he was right; I have never walked the talk. Within seconds I steeled my resolve and promised myself that I will find the opportunities to return the favour and establish a simple principle "Tit-For-Tac".

Tonight, at 11:20pm I got that opportunity. No, I don't have the silver bullet...yet; but I can already foresee that possibility for my revenge.

I admit that this is personal, but what is also very clear I need to start thinking about actually stabbing someone in the back.

Late Night Posts

Been a while since I posted this late and it's strangely nostalgic; I have found this time to be the most productive time for posts since it seems that sleep deprivation strides me of most of my critical thinking faculties that stymies my ability to just convey raw emotions.

Currently doing a network test on the core network and listening on the discussions of at least 3 teams in 3 different locations - and I'm just here for window dressing to be perfectly honest. I've been here since 11pm and so it affords me to just browse online and procrastinate.

I randomly decided to visit TC's Facebook page and suddenly I felt a mere fraction of the overwhelming emotions that overcame me more than 18 months ago. Within minutes my "senses" was transported to these sleepless nights and for merest of seconds I felt as if I can still smell those tear soaked pillow cases and the Summer air. Haha, I'm hopeless.

WC is still having problems in SK, within a space of 3 weeks she has broken up and "not" broken up, I truly and honestly feel that the relationship was over years ago and they were merely living off borrowed time. As TC said, their relationship was too "sanitised", every interaction and every words chosen with care. They have become two different persons and then expected everything to be the same. I guess in so many ways TC was far more matured than me regarding relationships. She saw more clearly than the rest of us.

WC and I chatted over the phone today, it was nice hearing her voice without the tears. I mentioned about PL and how I wasn't invited to her wedding and this shocked her. The honest truth is this: like in the previous post I loved PL almost as strongly as I loved TC or AC and it was also very apparent to me that it was one-sided, that's what made it toxic and painful. She seemed to have reached the same conclusion and it was all the best for both parties.

So it wasn't a rejection?

Well, reading the last 3 posts make me feel rather sheepishly stupid since I think I might have called things a little too early as since the "rejection" we are now officially a couple as if the whole incident didn't happen.

I've been itching to ask her why the rejection and why the as sudden change of heart. If I had to guess it would be the valentines run? Not more than 10 days after her initial rejection she seems to have changed her mind that night? Who knows, but if someone was to push me for a date it would be the evening of the Valentines Night Run.

But I never seem to get around to asking her, for now it seems like I'm in the most stable relationship that I've ever been in...which is kinda scary in it's own way. No real drama (except she is a good Church going girl) things are working out kinda well right now.

Oh well, we will see how things work out with B.

Can you please keep a secret...

Neither of us has made the initiative to talk to each other for better part of 2 years, I was both surprised and reluctant when she suddenly initiated a conversation when I went to talk to B

"Can you please keep a secret"

I was intrigued at first and when she told me that she has managed to get her husband into the company; I was shocked. But the coup de grace was that she doesn't want people to know about their relationship.

Damn this is going to be awkward with him being in the office as well.

SERIOUSLY??? You want to keep your marriage to him a secret?
WHY THE FUCK would you want that or need to?
WHY THE FUCK would he agree to that?

Regardless, I smiled agreed to it.

Later she asked if she talk to me in private regarding a matter and I brushed her off saying that I'm too busy and simply carried with my day.

She eventually cornered me on Monday and so with dread in my heart I obliged to hear her out.

First thing she did was produce a box of Lindt Chocolate and then apologised. Funny thing is that I don't actually remember her exact words but I think this is what she said:

Things between us has been awkward and there are no reasons for it. If I managed to hurt or offend you in the past then please be the bigger person and forgive me (Chinese proverb). We were close friends once and I really want us to hang out again and just be friends (The absence of the word "close" friends in that sentence was not duly noted). 

I found her apology to be so disingenuous that it laughable, I told her that no apology was needed and I meant it.

I No Longer Have the Courage

B, normally by this time I would be plotting ways to win your heart, simply because it's what I do.

I can now fully admit that during my previous 2 relationships with TC and with LL that I thought about the possibility of the two of us together. The thought was quickly crushed each time. Now that I'm single, you are now back in Johannesburg, we are spending more time than ever, we share a lot of common interests and the hours spent talking about nothing and everything. Even with all that, your body language was more than curious. I would get closer, you don't retreat; but there was no sign that you want to come closer.

I can't say I was all that surprised that you turned me down. It's understandable even, so much baggage has now come between us after so long. Our respective ex's are close friends of ours.

My time with you is so reminiscence of my time with AC, such familiarity and comfort that I feel...safe? This time though the reverse is true, I'm your senior by 4 years and I'm the established one while you are the one who is busy starting.

But B, this time round I'm actually scared and also lacking the courage or will to continue your pursue. On Sunday's hike I met two incredibly attractive and incredible ladies whom I made a quick and fascinating connection with. I guess I'm trying to say that life is too short?

I want to break the cycle. Every time I found myself drawn to a female friend whom I have known well for a while and felt a strong tug on the strings of my heart, it has never ended well with me.

If it belongs to you, set it free and it come back to you

JC once told me that line, I was very skeptical but now I actually believe it; or perhaps I want to believe in it?

Rejected!

This is probably the first rejection from a girl in a while (getting dumped doesn't count) and I can't say that I'm not disappointed and feeling rather down because of it. Though I'll be honest, the reason she gave for the rejection was so original and so strange that I'm more than a little taken back.

"I don't want to revert back to being good-two-shoe" 

She seems genuine; and she never asked me to be just her friend. She never denied that she expected the question coming and she hoped that I didn't.

Going through the normal motions of post rejections and just generally trying to manage expectations of a possible change of heart. I don't expect it, but it does help to manage the disappointment.

So She Got Engaged

It was bound to happen, I mean that's the whole point why JH was a better partner than me...at least according to her.

I expected this to happen, guess I didn't expect it to happen so soon? Almost 1 year after she called it quits between us she traveled to Vegas with him and he proposed - I want to say that I'm pissed off that he proposed in Vegas where we shared some very intimate moments - but I'm not angry with that.

As with all emotions - I'm both surprised at how much I care and how little at the same time. Oh, who am I kidding the fact that I'm writing here basically means that it struck a nerve somewhere and now the maelstrom of jealousy, regret and pride keeps on inter-changing.

I...feel like I want to talk to someone but no idea where I would even begin to have this conversation. It's a complete waste of time because I know I will never get the resolution that I want.

Without any hope of resolution all I can hope to do is record this event and just mark another milestone to my life.

Am I Just Being Naive?

My opening disclosure to all posts: I'm not that naive; at least no more naive than the average person. I've accumulated enough experience at work and in life to know that while my own internal monologues (such as this post) boarders on naivete, but my actions portray me as someone who is neither unwilling nor innocent participant to this somewhat cut-throat world. 

I have long since found that contradiction in myself and wondered many times on this blog whether I'm a just a big hypocrite or a dualist whole seems to hold two different sets of ideas simultaneously - or "Doublethink" and "Doublespeak" from George Orwell's 1984.

Take the topic of marriage - I have no doubt in my mind that I will eventually marry and these days the prospective of marriage is growing more and more appealing. However, on this blog and in my own heart of hearts, I can't fully commit to the idea since I believe it to be a fool's errand. However, the subject of marriage has been exhausted in my own mind and (I suspect) on this blog; so I won't venture there and instead focus on the subject of work, brotherhood and politics.

Two weeks ago, I was having dinner with colleagues from my project (I suppose I should get used to calling them subordinates). We were gathered to celebrate the wonderful occasion where one of them has been offered an employment contract with the Operator now that the project has ended. They offered him a competitive package and I couldn't be more than happy for him. We ate well, drank some wine (almost all of them are generally teatotallers and drank only when the occasion calls for it. Before long, the proclamations of brotherhood started and probably for the first time I actually felt swayed by it.

I was moved by the incredible support by all around the table, spirits are high and it seems like everyone was drinking my future success in the bidding process of another similar project with the No.2 operator in Cape Town. As it stands I personally believe we only have about 30% real chance of winning this bid and that's only if the tendering team gets their acts together and play well with each other. But without a doubt its a great opportunity for me. If I'm able to win this tender it will be a watershed moment in my career; the financial rewards for me will be minimal since I'm not part of the sales and tendering structure. My prize would be the chance to run my own project, for the most successful operator in Africa and gain a foothold into the telecoms industry.

As I finished the above paragraph, the cynic in me paints a more and more vivid picture of why they acted the way that they do. That picture now seems so logically and so real that any further thoughts of presenting the other possibility seem futile and infantile. So let me try to describe this picture on paper:

Should this project happen, I will be the man who can grant continual employment and potentially cushy jobs that offer many benefits without risks; and without any players in the game present they lose nothing by saying this things to me.

So I guess, all that is left to say is that I want to believe them; I want to believe that they really do have my best interests in mind and when the time comes support me in my endeavor not to gain the most financial gain in the shortest time possible, but rather to complete the project in the best possible way.