I wrote the Chartered Financial Analyst Exams last Saturday - two years after I wrote and passed Level 1 on my first attempt. It was a really strange experience and thinking back I had so much riding on that exam.
After a 6 month job search the best I could manage was a position as a Researcher in a glorified call center - doing cold calls. Little more than 2 months working I quit the job citing the slow destruction of my pride and sanity. Impulsively I convinced myself that the one way that I was going to salvage that year was to write and pass the first CFA exams. So 2 days before the final registration date I paid a hefty sum of US$1080 and started studying vigorously. The idea was to spend the next 3 months studying for the exam.
I performed very poorly at university - achieving very low marks and just managing to scrap a pass for every subject despite being one of the most engaging student in my lectures (well, the ones that I bothered going to). During that time I never doubted my abilities, merely my motivation for a degree that my parents forced upon me.
But for that exam I was completely driven - I knew that if I was to fail in this endeavour then one of two conclusions could've been draw: 1: I lack potential to succeed. 2. I lack the temperament to succeed at crucial moments. In either case the conclusion would've been that I was FAR from exceptional - a conclusion that I was MORE than willing to accept at that point in time. After spending almost 2 months being completely locked up in my house and room studying over 12 hours a day - I wrote and passed the exam comfortably achieving 75%+ for 8 out of the 9 sections. That exam partially helped me to believe in myself again - but this time round it was very different mentality that I wrote the level 2 exam.
Level 2 I registered because I felt I needed to improve my credentials and continue my growth - but realised a month later that I made the wrong decision considering that my career path has been moving further and further away from Financial Markets and Asset Management. Regardless I felt that it was great life lesson in perseverance, time management and generally life management. Since this time round I would be writing this exam while working a full time job with chaotic and volatile work hours. The studying didn't go as well as I hoped it would due to all manners of distractions - as well as having my study leave (week before the exam) cancelled in the last minute due to pressing matters. The likelihood of me passing this time round is about as good as me winning the lottery (too many questions guessed).
Comparing myself to the lost kid 2 years ago, without any idea what he wants in life, where he wants to go and who he is. I've come a long long way. Now, I KIND of know what I want in life, I have a VAGUE definition of what happiness is and a very foggy idea of how I would achieve it. If there is one thing I know about myself is that I'm a stubborn asshole that has my sight on a target I just don't let go.
This time round, I will be steadfast, I will be strong, I BELIEVE in myself and I WILL succeed in whatever life throws at me.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Review: Norwegian Wood
I have quoted many times from this book and I only realised tonight that I never wrote a review for it. Considering that is was one of the most memorable books I've ever read I would be remiss to not do it justice like the rest of my favourite Murakami books.
Written by the Japanese author Murakami Haruki （村上 春樹） and translated by Jay Rubin. Murakami is currently my favourite (still living) author and for my money the best writing style of any author in any language. (though I suspect most of the credits will have to be given to the translator) His ability to paint the most breath taking imagery and the mastery to invoke emotions is second to none.
Unlike the other two Murakami books that I've reviewed thus far this book is unique in that it draws on Murakami's own life experiences which resulted in speculation whether this was a fictionalised autobiography of his youth. A suggestion that he denies, stating that his youth was far more mundane but I didn't research too much into it - maybe it is, maybe it isn't. So unlike the previous books, no talking cats and strange pseudo sciences. But classically Japanese - sexually charged and explicit but never vulgar.
The story follows the protagonist and narrator - Watanabe Toru. Following his experiences as a Japanese youth through high school and university. The story opens with the elderly Toru landing in Hamburg, Germany where he hears the Beatles song - "Norwegian Wood" and was immediately overwhelmed by a sudden and unexpected wave of sorrow and nostalgia. The song was the favourite of an emotional fragile girl named Naoko, and from here Toru narrates this story.
It follows his struggle after the unexpected suicide of his best friend, leaving his girlfriend Naoko, traumatised. Naoko and Toru becomes involved and shares a turbulent relationship, back-dropped against chaotic times when university students were far more concerned with the social protests than studies - which also doubles as Murakami's criticism of hypocrisy of the student movement then. He then meets the free-spirited and lively girl named Midori and found his affections being torn between the two woman.
I have mentioned in other posts that I was completely dumbstruck the first chapter, Murakami painted a scene of mesmerizing beauty, rich with emotions as if one could touch the incredible sense of energy and love Toru had for Naoko. The final scene in the chapter was filled with pleasant nostalgia that warmed the heart and then he plunged the reader into collective depression by ending it with "But Naoko never loved me." (yes, I also plagiarised that line, so sue me)
The matter-of-fact way that Murakami ended the chapter set the tone for the rest of the novel - because it resembles watching a car accident in slow motion. Painful to watch but at the same time so captivating that you are unable to avert your eyes. The book for the most part was depressing - I enjoy and consume tragedies but reading it made me feel heavy for days afterwards. It touched me in ways that only a well written book can.
Written by the Japanese author Murakami Haruki （村上 春樹） and translated by Jay Rubin. Murakami is currently my favourite (still living) author and for my money the best writing style of any author in any language. (though I suspect most of the credits will have to be given to the translator) His ability to paint the most breath taking imagery and the mastery to invoke emotions is second to none.
Unlike the other two Murakami books that I've reviewed thus far this book is unique in that it draws on Murakami's own life experiences which resulted in speculation whether this was a fictionalised autobiography of his youth. A suggestion that he denies, stating that his youth was far more mundane but I didn't research too much into it - maybe it is, maybe it isn't. So unlike the previous books, no talking cats and strange pseudo sciences. But classically Japanese - sexually charged and explicit but never vulgar.
The story follows the protagonist and narrator - Watanabe Toru. Following his experiences as a Japanese youth through high school and university. The story opens with the elderly Toru landing in Hamburg, Germany where he hears the Beatles song - "Norwegian Wood" and was immediately overwhelmed by a sudden and unexpected wave of sorrow and nostalgia. The song was the favourite of an emotional fragile girl named Naoko, and from here Toru narrates this story.
It follows his struggle after the unexpected suicide of his best friend, leaving his girlfriend Naoko, traumatised. Naoko and Toru becomes involved and shares a turbulent relationship, back-dropped against chaotic times when university students were far more concerned with the social protests than studies - which also doubles as Murakami's criticism of hypocrisy of the student movement then. He then meets the free-spirited and lively girl named Midori and found his affections being torn between the two woman.
I have mentioned in other posts that I was completely dumbstruck the first chapter, Murakami painted a scene of mesmerizing beauty, rich with emotions as if one could touch the incredible sense of energy and love Toru had for Naoko. The final scene in the chapter was filled with pleasant nostalgia that warmed the heart and then he plunged the reader into collective depression by ending it with "But Naoko never loved me." (yes, I also plagiarised that line, so sue me)
The matter-of-fact way that Murakami ended the chapter set the tone for the rest of the novel - because it resembles watching a car accident in slow motion. Painful to watch but at the same time so captivating that you are unable to avert your eyes. The book for the most part was depressing - I enjoy and consume tragedies but reading it made me feel heavy for days afterwards. It touched me in ways that only a well written book can.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Never To Trust Again
Seven months ago, when I was at the height (or depth) of my depression I wondered if I can trust anyone again - if I could ever open my heart to someone unreservedly again. Ok, I will be honest it didn't come as much of a coherent thought as a quick flash that was followed by unqualified panic and pain. Months later, I revisted this question and here follows then answer.
As background I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned on this blog numerous times that I don't trust easily - I have cultivated a reputation for working well with difficult people not because I trust them or see the best in them. Au contraire I'm the opposite, because I never expected any real results from people in the first place I was never disappointed and planned projects with lots of contingencies. The exceptions to this rule can be counted with one hand. I also don't like to be proven wrong on this.
This is on professional level - strangely (or not) on a personal level I dream of being proven wrong. I openly admit that when it comes to emotions I'm a cynic that hopes,dreams and desperately want to be proven wrong. I desperately want to trust people but can never seem to let myself go. Until I met her.
The start, process and conclusion of that encounter are fairly well documented in previous posts and I will not go mention them here. I've moved on to accept reality - but I will be lying if I told you that I no longer love her, the truth is that I still do - love her more than anything else.
Now lately I re-asked myself the question on whether I could trust again and I can definitely answer - NO! I will never emotionally commit myself to a single person again, the idea terrified me before; now I'm nauseated by the thought of it.
For more importantly I will never trust myself again, looking back I never prioritised my own well-being. Never given much thought to own emotional health as I continued to tortured myself again and again - knowingly and relentlessly.
I will continue to feel these emotions, if anything I feel emotions more vividly and in a more profound way than ever before - but I will no longer trust these emotions that I feel. I will be an addict to emotions - the pain, disappointment, anticipation, exhilaration and ecstasy, but never trust or invest in them because I don't trust myself to know what they mean. Or that if any good will come out of it.
As background I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned on this blog numerous times that I don't trust easily - I have cultivated a reputation for working well with difficult people not because I trust them or see the best in them. Au contraire I'm the opposite, because I never expected any real results from people in the first place I was never disappointed and planned projects with lots of contingencies. The exceptions to this rule can be counted with one hand. I also don't like to be proven wrong on this.
This is on professional level - strangely (or not) on a personal level I dream of being proven wrong. I openly admit that when it comes to emotions I'm a cynic that hopes,dreams and desperately want to be proven wrong. I desperately want to trust people but can never seem to let myself go. Until I met her.
The start, process and conclusion of that encounter are fairly well documented in previous posts and I will not go mention them here. I've moved on to accept reality - but I will be lying if I told you that I no longer love her, the truth is that I still do - love her more than anything else.
Now lately I re-asked myself the question on whether I could trust again and I can definitely answer - NO! I will never emotionally commit myself to a single person again, the idea terrified me before; now I'm nauseated by the thought of it.
For more importantly I will never trust myself again, looking back I never prioritised my own well-being. Never given much thought to own emotional health as I continued to tortured myself again and again - knowingly and relentlessly.
I will continue to feel these emotions, if anything I feel emotions more vividly and in a more profound way than ever before - but I will no longer trust these emotions that I feel. I will be an addict to emotions - the pain, disappointment, anticipation, exhilaration and ecstasy, but never trust or invest in them because I don't trust myself to know what they mean. Or that if any good will come out of it.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Movie Review: A Chinese Ghost Story (倩女幽魂) 1987 Version
This was one of the Hong Kong movie classics that was released at around 1987, based on the stories written by the author Púsōng líng （蒲松龄） in his "Strange Tales from a Chinese Studio" compilation (聊齋志異)whose first volume was first published at around 1680 (though may be as late as 1705). These stories are popular for their incredible imagination that is based on folklore concerning ghosts, monsters and demons that is familiar to many of his contemporary audience; but what really made them shine and truly unique anywhere in the world at the time was the humanisation of these ghastly creatures. He was probably the first Chinese author to humanise these inhuman entities and demonise humans. He was centuries ahead of his time.
The Chinese name of the story "倩女幽魂" loosely translated means "Ghost of an Elegant Girl." The main female lead is a spirit that was captured by an evil Tree Spirit and forced to use her female charms to lure unsuspecting men so that the Tree Spirit can devour their living energy. Her love interest is a naive traveling scholar who resisted her sexual advances in their first meeting and was saved because of it.
The formula to the movie was a rather classic one, girl meets boy, fall in love and girl sacrifices herself to save boy but boy enters hell to save girl. But even by today's standard (especially since how Hong Kong is now perennially shooting sub-par movies that satisfies the lowest common denominator) the movie was exquisitely executed.
The two leads will always be remembered for their role in this movie (even if the male lead had a FAR more successful career as a singer and he will be best remembered in the critically and internationally acclaimed: "Farewell, My Concubine" ), the acting was good and the casting brilliant. The soundtrack from the movie was also more than memorable. The theme song: "Dawn, please don't come" (黎明不要來） is soul wrenching, the last time I watched this movie was 16 years ago and I can still recall the chorus line ”不許紅日!“ (don't you dare red sun!, or red sun I don't give you permission) when I was reminded of this movie. The last scene with the tearful girl disappearing under the red light of dawn with this song playing in the background was close to perfection for 1980's cinematography.
I often wondered why Hong Kong can't or won't make movies like this anymore - this story had everything: depth, profoundly satirical, a strong script, plenty of Chinese martial arts action scenes (though many Western audiences find it over the top), monsters and a touching love story. It was timeless.
Personally this film will shame almost all recent solely Hong Kong productions with the obvious exception of Infernal Affairs (aka 無間道, aka The Departed）. Otherwise if you're looking for quality Chinese language movies go to the mainland.
I'm also very excited that they've remade this movie (A Chinese Fairy Tale) under the same Chinese name with big names coming from both Mainland and Hong Kong. The female lead's acting ability is rather questionable but this role is perfect for her in the way that Keanu Reeves was perfect to play the emotionless alien in "The Day the Earth Stood Still". We will see.
Edit 1: I originally said that the male lead (Leslie Cheung) had a more successful career as an singer, but I was mistaken in that he also stared in the Cannes Grand Prix winning(before there was a Golden Palm award) movie "Farewell, My Concubine."
The Chinese name of the story "倩女幽魂" loosely translated means "Ghost of an Elegant Girl." The main female lead is a spirit that was captured by an evil Tree Spirit and forced to use her female charms to lure unsuspecting men so that the Tree Spirit can devour their living energy. Her love interest is a naive traveling scholar who resisted her sexual advances in their first meeting and was saved because of it.
The formula to the movie was a rather classic one, girl meets boy, fall in love and girl sacrifices herself to save boy but boy enters hell to save girl. But even by today's standard (especially since how Hong Kong is now perennially shooting sub-par movies that satisfies the lowest common denominator) the movie was exquisitely executed.
The two leads will always be remembered for their role in this movie (even if the male lead had a FAR more successful career as a singer and he will be best remembered in the critically and internationally acclaimed: "Farewell, My Concubine" ), the acting was good and the casting brilliant. The soundtrack from the movie was also more than memorable. The theme song: "Dawn, please don't come" (黎明不要來） is soul wrenching, the last time I watched this movie was 16 years ago and I can still recall the chorus line ”不許紅日!“ (don't you dare red sun!, or red sun I don't give you permission) when I was reminded of this movie. The last scene with the tearful girl disappearing under the red light of dawn with this song playing in the background was close to perfection for 1980's cinematography.
I often wondered why Hong Kong can't or won't make movies like this anymore - this story had everything: depth, profoundly satirical, a strong script, plenty of Chinese martial arts action scenes (though many Western audiences find it over the top), monsters and a touching love story. It was timeless.
Personally this film will shame almost all recent solely Hong Kong productions with the obvious exception of Infernal Affairs (aka 無間道, aka The Departed）. Otherwise if you're looking for quality Chinese language movies go to the mainland.
I'm also very excited that they've remade this movie (A Chinese Fairy Tale) under the same Chinese name with big names coming from both Mainland and Hong Kong. The female lead's acting ability is rather questionable but this role is perfect for her in the way that Keanu Reeves was perfect to play the emotionless alien in "The Day the Earth Stood Still". We will see.
Edit 1: I originally said that the male lead (Leslie Cheung) had a more successful career as an singer, but I was mistaken in that he also stared in the Cannes Grand Prix winning(before there was a Golden Palm award) movie "Farewell, My Concubine."
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Open Letter of Apology to My Lecturers and Professors
Dear Sir/Madam
Since leaving university I have been out in the real world earning (mostly) a real living and doing (dare I say) real things.
Now let’s get the most obvious out of the way - without the education and the brand name of the university behind in my CV and resume I doubt I would be here where I'm today. While university education doesn't guarantee you a job it does get you an interview (I would know I have been interviewed for at least 40+ jobs since leaving).
No, what I want to thank you all is the amount of time that you have had me writing Bullshit (hereafter referred to as BS for my more sensitive readers).
You see, while at university doing what my engineering and science faculty counterparts call BS (aka Business Science) I was definitely engaging in activity what I was willing to concede as BS about 80% of time. Now take statistics for example, while it is rooted in robust science and firm academic foundations it is hard to understand how most things (if anything) ever really fits into the so called "normal" distribution. I went through all my years of university using OLS (ordinary least square) regression for just about EVERYTHING I do. The assumptions attached these models are somewhat dodgie and to the uninitiated might seem rather like hardcore science I found the expectation that NO VIOLATION of these rather tedious assumptions to be rather far-fetched. In short, while I fully believe that if we’re able to properly satisfy all the assumptions built into these models would definitely have powerful explanatory powers; the chances of me ever running into such a perfect example has the same chance of me winning the lottery (incidentally around 12 million to 1)
So basically I was never truly convinced by just how robust these models of realities are, but regardless like a good boy I soldiered on, learning everything my lecturers have to teach me and defend these very concepts that I take with a (HUGE) pinch of salt. Effectively I was brainwashing myself to: stretch the truth, ignore limitations, and sometimes just blatantly lie out of my hole but do it with true conviction; even while I (not so) secretly mock and ridicule these methodologies. Of course while I mock the methodologies I also openly mock my lecturers and professors for shoveling this BS down my throat. But I persevered, thinking that one day when I reach the "real" world I would be free from it.
I was so wrong.
Academics was only secondary compared to what my true education was about. A lesson in writing the most magnificent lies and half truths that my clients, executives and "leaders" can appreciate; not their accuracy but rather how magnificently I have turned BS into a work of art. Really none of these people who read my reports and presentations are stupid; instead they merely enjoy the inverse correlation between my conviction and reality of my words.
So here, I sincerely thank you all - my teachers and mentors for these wonderful skills that you have bestowed upon me and just how grateful I have been for your dedication to making sure that your charges obtain the best possible education that you can give and how I have reaped the rewards of your actions.
Since leaving university I have been out in the real world earning (mostly) a real living and doing (dare I say) real things.
Now let’s get the most obvious out of the way - without the education and the brand name of the university behind in my CV and resume I doubt I would be here where I'm today. While university education doesn't guarantee you a job it does get you an interview (I would know I have been interviewed for at least 40+ jobs since leaving).
No, what I want to thank you all is the amount of time that you have had me writing Bullshit (hereafter referred to as BS for my more sensitive readers).
You see, while at university doing what my engineering and science faculty counterparts call BS (aka Business Science) I was definitely engaging in activity what I was willing to concede as BS about 80% of time. Now take statistics for example, while it is rooted in robust science and firm academic foundations it is hard to understand how most things (if anything) ever really fits into the so called "normal" distribution. I went through all my years of university using OLS (ordinary least square) regression for just about EVERYTHING I do. The assumptions attached these models are somewhat dodgie and to the uninitiated might seem rather like hardcore science I found the expectation that NO VIOLATION of these rather tedious assumptions to be rather far-fetched. In short, while I fully believe that if we’re able to properly satisfy all the assumptions built into these models would definitely have powerful explanatory powers; the chances of me ever running into such a perfect example has the same chance of me winning the lottery (incidentally around 12 million to 1)
So basically I was never truly convinced by just how robust these models of realities are, but regardless like a good boy I soldiered on, learning everything my lecturers have to teach me and defend these very concepts that I take with a (HUGE) pinch of salt. Effectively I was brainwashing myself to: stretch the truth, ignore limitations, and sometimes just blatantly lie out of my hole but do it with true conviction; even while I (not so) secretly mock and ridicule these methodologies. Of course while I mock the methodologies I also openly mock my lecturers and professors for shoveling this BS down my throat. But I persevered, thinking that one day when I reach the "real" world I would be free from it.
I was so wrong.
Academics was only secondary compared to what my true education was about. A lesson in writing the most magnificent lies and half truths that my clients, executives and "leaders" can appreciate; not their accuracy but rather how magnificently I have turned BS into a work of art. Really none of these people who read my reports and presentations are stupid; instead they merely enjoy the inverse correlation between my conviction and reality of my words.
So here, I sincerely thank you all - my teachers and mentors for these wonderful skills that you have bestowed upon me and just how grateful I have been for your dedication to making sure that your charges obtain the best possible education that you can give and how I have reaped the rewards of your actions.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tale of Two Woman
Now as a short introduction: I almost exclusively had male, Caucasian friends.
If one was to look at my social circle from when I was living in Cape Town my group was the proverbial "sausage fest", yet if you look at my social circle up here in Johannesburg it's overwhelmingly: Chinese and female.
Now I can't really understand why that is the case, why the sudden change. But overall I'm not too concerned with it. For the most part I enjoy their company even though sometimes I long for some arrogant male chauvinist fun.
Now to the topic at hand, lately I have been shocked by two woman's sudden decision to drop everything and go back to Cape Town to reconcile with the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Their decision comes as a huge shock to me both because of their suddenness and seemingly as a truly terrible idea.
Now as a good friend to both of these two girls and take both their well being as the paramount importance - my reaction to their almost identical decisions was rather drastically different. Both educated, Chinese, raised in South Africa, incredibly pretty and with warm personalities that attract vast majority of the male population, but at the same time couldn't have been more different.
The first girl is a strong character, generally well thought of by everyone she meets (male or female). Sometime it seems to me that she does rash things that defies logic - but what never seizes to surprise me is her ability to make the best of her decision. She calls herself easily pleased but for me she is personification of true inner strength.
The second is a rather timid girl whose vulnerability inspires men to help her, nurture her and protect her. On the other hand the same quality makes her very unpopular with other girls; especially pretty ones. Her lack of mental strength, and competence in the work place makes me more than worried. Unlike the first girl who can make the biggest mistake and still make the best of the it - to me she doesn't appear to understand the implication and consequences of her actions. Neither does she have the inner strength to support herself through the hard times.
When the first girl told me about her sudden decision I was able to rattle out the usual cliches: do what your heart tells you, I will always support your decision, you never know unless you try. For some reason I even meant it.
The second one I eventually rattled through some of the meanest and harshest things to say about her and her boyfriend. I guess maybe it's because of trust: I don't trust her to make the right decisions. What's hurts more is probably because I care for her, a lot. Even worse, I don't believe she understands what she is doing. Eventually days after the initial outburst I spewed the same cliches that I told the first girl - but for fucks sakes I don't in my 'heart of hearts' mean it at all.
I realised that I have neither the right or ability to convince her to reconsider her decision. All I can hope now is that I haven't burnt the bridge so badly that she won't even as ask for my help when she needs it. My worst nightmare is now that I have irrevocably dented her trust in me that I'm now just an irritation to her.
I guess that's why I'm so bloody miserable lately: I want to help so badly but it seems like the more I care the more damage I do - to her and myself. I breaks my heart to think that despite coming from the best of intentions and with her best interest at heart all I have achieved is to lose a friend?
Or is this my punishment? For being so arrogant as to believe that I know what's best for someone else? Is this the hell that I found myself walking towards on the pavement that has been completely paved with good intentions?
Screw this, I intend to get horrendously drunk.
UPDATE 1: I got TOTALLY trashed last night and broke my personal record for the most tequila downed in less than 30min. My head hurts...
If one was to look at my social circle from when I was living in Cape Town my group was the proverbial "sausage fest", yet if you look at my social circle up here in Johannesburg it's overwhelmingly: Chinese and female.
Now I can't really understand why that is the case, why the sudden change. But overall I'm not too concerned with it. For the most part I enjoy their company even though sometimes I long for some arrogant male chauvinist fun.
Now to the topic at hand, lately I have been shocked by two woman's sudden decision to drop everything and go back to Cape Town to reconcile with the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Their decision comes as a huge shock to me both because of their suddenness and seemingly as a truly terrible idea.
Now as a good friend to both of these two girls and take both their well being as the paramount importance - my reaction to their almost identical decisions was rather drastically different. Both educated, Chinese, raised in South Africa, incredibly pretty and with warm personalities that attract vast majority of the male population, but at the same time couldn't have been more different.
The first girl is a strong character, generally well thought of by everyone she meets (male or female). Sometime it seems to me that she does rash things that defies logic - but what never seizes to surprise me is her ability to make the best of her decision. She calls herself easily pleased but for me she is personification of true inner strength.
The second is a rather timid girl whose vulnerability inspires men to help her, nurture her and protect her. On the other hand the same quality makes her very unpopular with other girls; especially pretty ones. Her lack of mental strength, and competence in the work place makes me more than worried. Unlike the first girl who can make the biggest mistake and still make the best of the it - to me she doesn't appear to understand the implication and consequences of her actions. Neither does she have the inner strength to support herself through the hard times.
When the first girl told me about her sudden decision I was able to rattle out the usual cliches: do what your heart tells you, I will always support your decision, you never know unless you try. For some reason I even meant it.
The second one I eventually rattled through some of the meanest and harshest things to say about her and her boyfriend. I guess maybe it's because of trust: I don't trust her to make the right decisions. What's hurts more is probably because I care for her, a lot. Even worse, I don't believe she understands what she is doing. Eventually days after the initial outburst I spewed the same cliches that I told the first girl - but for fucks sakes I don't in my 'heart of hearts' mean it at all.
I realised that I have neither the right or ability to convince her to reconsider her decision. All I can hope now is that I haven't burnt the bridge so badly that she won't even as ask for my help when she needs it. My worst nightmare is now that I have irrevocably dented her trust in me that I'm now just an irritation to her.
I guess that's why I'm so bloody miserable lately: I want to help so badly but it seems like the more I care the more damage I do - to her and myself. I breaks my heart to think that despite coming from the best of intentions and with her best interest at heart all I have achieved is to lose a friend?
Or is this my punishment? For being so arrogant as to believe that I know what's best for someone else? Is this the hell that I found myself walking towards on the pavement that has been completely paved with good intentions?
Screw this, I intend to get horrendously drunk.
UPDATE 1: I got TOTALLY trashed last night and broke my personal record for the most tequila downed in less than 30min. My head hurts...
Monday, April 4, 2011
One Year Anniversary
Tomorrow would mark my one year here at my company. "Most probably" it will also be the day that they officially announce my promotion to my ex-boss's job.
Most people would be rather excited, I seem to remember saying that I want his job within a year and of sorts I already had his job and his pay for the most of the last 5 months.
So you will excuse me if my excitement is rather limited and sober. I've already taken a bigger bite than I can chew with this job and frankly it's not fun. Something tells me that I'm in need of a change in environment - new challenges and most importantly - BETTER PAY. Despite being called the most valuable "local employee" here in the department I'm also currently the lowest paid one.
So they better start doing something!!!
Most people would be rather excited, I seem to remember saying that I want his job within a year and of sorts I already had his job and his pay for the most of the last 5 months.
So you will excuse me if my excitement is rather limited and sober. I've already taken a bigger bite than I can chew with this job and frankly it's not fun. Something tells me that I'm in need of a change in environment - new challenges and most importantly - BETTER PAY. Despite being called the most valuable "local employee" here in the department I'm also currently the lowest paid one.
So they better start doing something!!!
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