4am - Insomnia
I remembered how less than 6 months ago it felt like that life has just started. The excitement of it all, how the evening moon mixed with the unmistakable smell of Summer transported me into a vision of a future that grows brighter by the second. That there is a whole new world out there, unexplored, untamed just waiting for my pleasure.
I'm also reminded how only 3 months before that - I experienced months of lethargic emotions. I can almost suspect myself of being bipolar.
Work is now more fulfilling than any point in time, I rub shoulders with all the senior execs on both sides of the conference table and earned my place in the upper echelons of the firm. This was what I always wanted. But each time I opened my apartment door and step in - it seems so empty, so lonely and so depressing.
I kill time - that's what I do now; instead of enjoying my new found wealth to the fullest I found myself merely content to vegetate in front of the computer monitor....wasting away. Activities that once filled me with such wonder and excitement now seem grey and sad.
Somehow, you took all the joy in my life from me. I know not of how and why. Merely that since I lost you - the colours drained away in my world. This gray-scale world devoid of joy is the one that return to; day after day.
How is that possible? I've accepted and swallowed many hard truths in the months passed. The bitterness of them, now a distant memory and yet my world was as you left it still: joyless, silent, and colourless.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
我的生命之中再也沒有剩下些什麼...
當我失去你那眼中美麗的溫柔，當你決定就此放手，我的生命之中再也沒有剩下些什麼...
也許，我們的邂逅是錯誤
也許，我只是一時之氣
也許，她說愛我只是一時的氣氛
也許，我從來沒有愛過一個人
如果，我早一點認識你
如果，我一開始就抓緊你的手
如果，我沒有放開你的手
如果。。。
也許，我們的邂逅是錯誤
也許，我只是一時之氣
也許，她說愛我只是一時的氣氛
也許，我從來沒有愛過一個人
如果，我早一點認識你
如果，我一開始就抓緊你的手
如果，我沒有放開你的手
如果。。。
Thursday, April 11, 2013
The Trial
With the efficient movement that came from constant practice I pushed open the ancient ebony doors; hefty but the joint movements are smooth from constant use. As always I'm surprised by how well aired the Courtroom is and I can't help but wonder if this was always the case. The room is dimly lit and without waiting for my eyes to adjust I immediately recognised the three in the room.
"The time already served has been more than sufficient, I fail to see the continual need for this" said the first man, average build, dressed in a simple, average looking suit. His face is also very plain, but in a comfortable way, woman won't find him handsome but certainly easy on the eyes conveying a sense of safety. Good I thought to myself as I sat down on a nearby bench, I didn't miss much.
"Ha! The same old tiring argument, do you ever come here with anything new" sniffed the second; his shred, sharp features accentuates his arrogant air and hides none of his content by the whole proceedings; an opinion known by all.
The third and final man, naturally the Judge of the Court whose face is always cloaked in darkness, featureless and forever silent, words are not needed here.
"Because that's the simple truth!" boomed the plain face man, his voice lacks gravitas, yet his passion and conviction somehow comes through and it doesn't take long for any bystander to understand why he is good at what he does. "The circumstances and mitigating factors should have been more thoroughly considered and while certainly gross errors in judgement was made, none of it premeditated but rather products of circumstance"
"Why do we still entertain such delusions? We all know that this is not the true - rather the rationalisation of the guilty, perfectly versed after countless revisions and healthy doses of selective amnesia. We all have heard these words for the umpteenth time it ringed false the first time round and it remains so now. The sharp faced man riposted, uncompromising as always never looking at his listeners in the eye, afraid that mere eye contact will rob him of his wit and objectivity.
The proceedings are proceeding as they always do - at first these look like closing rebuttals and statements but after so much repeated practice with the evidence, witnesses, exhibits, and circumstantial evidence the facts are so well known to all that their presentation has been waived on both sides. Neither party ever argue on these anymore.
"There was never any denial of wrongdoing, merely that the punishment thus far has more than fit the crime, no crime can possibly deserve these punishments"
"Luckily that is up to the judge and not your lofty interpretation and questionable opinions"
As always the Judge remains silent, he is always silent and unmoving. But his recent demeanor makes his past self seem active. The judgement stands and no reprieve or parole is given, I feel the verdict in my bones and so does both of these men, they slump into their respective seats and heaves a heavy sigh of helplessness.
The plain man - in the past though lacked direction was always filled with vitality and energy is now merely content to sit and blankly stare. His usual routine of screaming defiance at every wrong turn, refusal to admit defeat, was what earned him many successes and have been the more prominent figure for the longest time. I can't help but wonder if he will ever be the same again?
The shred looking man - whose recent continual victory here does not earn him any joy. He has a twisted personality and the only kind word I can use to describe him is "conflicted". He longed to be proven wrong, but never in his wildest dreams expect it all to turn out this way. So now even though playing this role continually kills him inside, he doesn't know how else to live.
Then there is me, both the observer, prisoner and executioner of this trial. I can only continually wonder between the evidence and the next trial. Perhaps the shred man will finally break down from his internal contradictions? Or maybe he will return as the cynic for the sake of being a cynic? The plain man had a wonderful run, who would've imagined that he managed to gather so much traction and steam to last so long? I certainly didn't expect it; but without the vitality and the stubborn refusal to accept reality, he will crumble under his own weight of self doubt, it's just a matter of time.
Like I have done so in the past thousand times since the first trial started, I pulled at the heavy dark doors with an surprising economy of movement and look back into room and not for the first time I contemplated just ending this whole charade once and for all. As the door closed I slowly walked towards the evidence locker of my own memories and once again lost myself there...the prisoner of my own mind.
"The time already served has been more than sufficient, I fail to see the continual need for this" said the first man, average build, dressed in a simple, average looking suit. His face is also very plain, but in a comfortable way, woman won't find him handsome but certainly easy on the eyes conveying a sense of safety. Good I thought to myself as I sat down on a nearby bench, I didn't miss much.
"Ha! The same old tiring argument, do you ever come here with anything new" sniffed the second; his shred, sharp features accentuates his arrogant air and hides none of his content by the whole proceedings; an opinion known by all.
The third and final man, naturally the Judge of the Court whose face is always cloaked in darkness, featureless and forever silent, words are not needed here.
"Because that's the simple truth!" boomed the plain face man, his voice lacks gravitas, yet his passion and conviction somehow comes through and it doesn't take long for any bystander to understand why he is good at what he does. "The circumstances and mitigating factors should have been more thoroughly considered and while certainly gross errors in judgement was made, none of it premeditated but rather products of circumstance"
"Why do we still entertain such delusions? We all know that this is not the true - rather the rationalisation of the guilty, perfectly versed after countless revisions and healthy doses of selective amnesia. We all have heard these words for the umpteenth time it ringed false the first time round and it remains so now. The sharp faced man riposted, uncompromising as always never looking at his listeners in the eye, afraid that mere eye contact will rob him of his wit and objectivity.
The proceedings are proceeding as they always do - at first these look like closing rebuttals and statements but after so much repeated practice with the evidence, witnesses, exhibits, and circumstantial evidence the facts are so well known to all that their presentation has been waived on both sides. Neither party ever argue on these anymore.
"There was never any denial of wrongdoing, merely that the punishment thus far has more than fit the crime, no crime can possibly deserve these punishments"
"Luckily that is up to the judge and not your lofty interpretation and questionable opinions"
As always the Judge remains silent, he is always silent and unmoving. But his recent demeanor makes his past self seem active. The judgement stands and no reprieve or parole is given, I feel the verdict in my bones and so does both of these men, they slump into their respective seats and heaves a heavy sigh of helplessness.
The plain man - in the past though lacked direction was always filled with vitality and energy is now merely content to sit and blankly stare. His usual routine of screaming defiance at every wrong turn, refusal to admit defeat, was what earned him many successes and have been the more prominent figure for the longest time. I can't help but wonder if he will ever be the same again?
The shred looking man - whose recent continual victory here does not earn him any joy. He has a twisted personality and the only kind word I can use to describe him is "conflicted". He longed to be proven wrong, but never in his wildest dreams expect it all to turn out this way. So now even though playing this role continually kills him inside, he doesn't know how else to live.
Then there is me, both the observer, prisoner and executioner of this trial. I can only continually wonder between the evidence and the next trial. Perhaps the shred man will finally break down from his internal contradictions? Or maybe he will return as the cynic for the sake of being a cynic? The plain man had a wonderful run, who would've imagined that he managed to gather so much traction and steam to last so long? I certainly didn't expect it; but without the vitality and the stubborn refusal to accept reality, he will crumble under his own weight of self doubt, it's just a matter of time.
Like I have done so in the past thousand times since the first trial started, I pulled at the heavy dark doors with an surprising economy of movement and look back into room and not for the first time I contemplated just ending this whole charade once and for all. As the door closed I slowly walked towards the evidence locker of my own memories and once again lost myself there...the prisoner of my own mind.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Escape
Alcohol is not a good escape for me.
I've drank more in the last month than the previous 12 months combined. I do this because I hope to escape my own thoughts, and regret.
But despite the best efforts of myself and a few close friends. Here I'm after sampling the entire shooters menu at Newscafe, clear headed enough to write this blog without trouble. One would actually wonder that I might write better completely shit faced drunk. Yet, alcohol doesn't help me to achieve my end goals. Which is unfortunately because it was my last resort.
Even now, after trying everything that I can think off, I can find no solace, no iota of comfort and above all else no escape of my pain. I have tried to keep myself busy, I have tried to numb the pain through the brain numbing act of finishing the entire series of Star Trek: Voyager and most of Enterprise. I thought about just getting on a plane and fly away, I desperately want to run away but where would I go? I have tried everything in my repertoire of pain management and I find no escape from it. I'm not only a prisoner of my own mind. I'm a prisoner without any hope of escape.
What's next? I have no idea, but scarily I contemplated suicide on more than one occasion - the balcony is only 3 stories high and death isn't guaranteed. My life insurance is over 24 months and even if I should throw myself from the building it would still pay out.
Morbid thoughts cloud my thoughts but honestly, I'm too much of a coward - I finally realised that it takes certain amount of conviction, the right amount of bravery to end ones own life and I'm definitely not the type to do so. I often stated that I'm a homicidal not suicidal....but that position is being thrown into doubt.
I just hugged the toilet for better part of 45min and emptied my stomach, I will be sober enough to think this post a bad idea. Yet, despite this, the idea of never ending slumber is appealing and not for the first time I wish for a traffic incident to end it.
I've drank more in the last month than the previous 12 months combined. I do this because I hope to escape my own thoughts, and regret.
But despite the best efforts of myself and a few close friends. Here I'm after sampling the entire shooters menu at Newscafe, clear headed enough to write this blog without trouble. One would actually wonder that I might write better completely shit faced drunk. Yet, alcohol doesn't help me to achieve my end goals. Which is unfortunately because it was my last resort.
Even now, after trying everything that I can think off, I can find no solace, no iota of comfort and above all else no escape of my pain. I have tried to keep myself busy, I have tried to numb the pain through the brain numbing act of finishing the entire series of Star Trek: Voyager and most of Enterprise. I thought about just getting on a plane and fly away, I desperately want to run away but where would I go? I have tried everything in my repertoire of pain management and I find no escape from it. I'm not only a prisoner of my own mind. I'm a prisoner without any hope of escape.
What's next? I have no idea, but scarily I contemplated suicide on more than one occasion - the balcony is only 3 stories high and death isn't guaranteed. My life insurance is over 24 months and even if I should throw myself from the building it would still pay out.
Morbid thoughts cloud my thoughts but honestly, I'm too much of a coward - I finally realised that it takes certain amount of conviction, the right amount of bravery to end ones own life and I'm definitely not the type to do so. I often stated that I'm a homicidal not suicidal....but that position is being thrown into doubt.
I just hugged the toilet for better part of 45min and emptied my stomach, I will be sober enough to think this post a bad idea. Yet, despite this, the idea of never ending slumber is appealing and not for the first time I wish for a traffic incident to end it.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Ask No Questions and I Will Tell No Lies
Lately one of the most frustrating things are people constantly asking if I'm "OK" - the answer for a while has been an unconditioned: NO. What surprises and irritates me is the surprise they show when I tell them so.
A master at masking my own emotions - even when I don't want to, my closes friends tell me that to them I'm like an open book; not by my expressions or body language...but by my actions. I can't comment on that one but it seems like they pretty good at figuring me out so I'll take their word for it. So it basically means that for them to ask me if I'm "OK" it generally means that they have figured out that something is wrong and that I'm not all there.
Why the surprise? You didn't expect me to answer you honestly? You expect me to obey some kind of obscure social norm that I can never figure out? Were you just asking out of courtesy?
I'm not OK, I'm bleeding inside. I hate myself like nothing before. Regret eats away at what remains of my shattered heart and I find myself surprised that there is still something there to be eaten away.
Don't ask - I don't want your pity. Nor do I want your condescending remarks and advice. I blame myself enough already so I don't need you to remind me that I fucked up. I will continue to cry myself to sleep in the dark, when emotions overwhelm me during the day, I will find a place to hide until it passes. I will continue to find comfort at the bottom of bottle or in the arms of a stranger and pretend that she is once again in my arms.
I will do all these things secretly so that you don't have to see it and we can all pretend that nothing happened, but I won't lie. If you ask - I will tell you all about the tears while returning from work today and at the same time dream of a traffic incident ending my misery. How these words were written with stubborn tears in the corner of my eyes, drinking what should be one of the finest Single Malt in my possession.
I will tell you all these things - honestly and without reserve...should you ask.
Otherwise, I will live my life the way I remembered before I met her. I will follow the same routine, I will endeavour to continue going to work, gym, and socialize without skipping a beat. All this in hope that some form of normalcy will return to my life, my mind and my heart.
You will find me to be as pleasant company as always (which I understand it to be rather horrible company even in the best of days). But make no mistake - each day only brings new reason for me to hate myself and I find myself driven...toward a destination that is still too dark for me to see.
A master at masking my own emotions - even when I don't want to, my closes friends tell me that to them I'm like an open book; not by my expressions or body language...but by my actions. I can't comment on that one but it seems like they pretty good at figuring me out so I'll take their word for it. So it basically means that for them to ask me if I'm "OK" it generally means that they have figured out that something is wrong and that I'm not all there.
Why the surprise? You didn't expect me to answer you honestly? You expect me to obey some kind of obscure social norm that I can never figure out? Were you just asking out of courtesy?
I'm not OK, I'm bleeding inside. I hate myself like nothing before. Regret eats away at what remains of my shattered heart and I find myself surprised that there is still something there to be eaten away.
Don't ask - I don't want your pity. Nor do I want your condescending remarks and advice. I blame myself enough already so I don't need you to remind me that I fucked up. I will continue to cry myself to sleep in the dark, when emotions overwhelm me during the day, I will find a place to hide until it passes. I will continue to find comfort at the bottom of bottle or in the arms of a stranger and pretend that she is once again in my arms.
I will do all these things secretly so that you don't have to see it and we can all pretend that nothing happened, but I won't lie. If you ask - I will tell you all about the tears while returning from work today and at the same time dream of a traffic incident ending my misery. How these words were written with stubborn tears in the corner of my eyes, drinking what should be one of the finest Single Malt in my possession.
I will tell you all these things - honestly and without reserve...should you ask.
Otherwise, I will live my life the way I remembered before I met her. I will follow the same routine, I will endeavour to continue going to work, gym, and socialize without skipping a beat. All this in hope that some form of normalcy will return to my life, my mind and my heart.
You will find me to be as pleasant company as always (which I understand it to be rather horrible company even in the best of days). But make no mistake - each day only brings new reason for me to hate myself and I find myself driven...toward a destination that is still too dark for me to see.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Regret
"I think love you"
Those words paralysed me, I screamed in my head that I wasn't ready, that this has taken me completely by surprise...yet there was no way to avert my gaze from the eyes of someone looking into my soul, but only silence answered her confession. The shock of someone telling me that she loves me.
“So who is she?"
Fast forward weeks later and a simple question asked by an inquisitive friend and I found myself brimming with excitement to answer that question. I told her how we met, how the relationship developed and the things we did together. The more I spoke the more excited I was and I felt something akin to happiness. I was ready, ready to finally return those words. I couldn't contain myself and left her a voice message on Whatsapp.
"Maybe you think that I'm drunk and doubt my words, to which I admit, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love you."
There! I said it, for the first time ever. I was so excited as I drifted into sleep...happy that I can finally return her feelings. But the response was so wrong, so subdued and I felt really disappointed. But then again, I've no doubt that she felt worse when she said it the first time round. It's not important, right?
"JH asked me out, and I see no reason to turn him down...he at least makes me laugh"
Those words came so unexpectedly two days later, yet the full impact of it didn't hit me until much later. I always knew that super long distance relationship was difficult to sustain; that I somehow always knew this was coming and I thought she was right. The first night of insomnia was completely expected - we shared so much happy memories and it was sudden. Second night came and depression set in and still no sleep in sight. By the third night I completely broke down and I found myself weeping from the depths of my soul. The more I cried the more I realised what she meant to me, I regret keeping her at arms length because how scared I was of letting her close. There was no escape from the prisons of my own mind.
"Please give me another chance
Those words were finally uttered on the fourth day, I begged for her to give me another chance. I would do anything. Nothing else mattered anymore, I brought the tickets back to Hong Kong and then to Taiwan. I asked another friend to help process my Taiwanese VISA...all was ready.
"I never thought that I mattered during our time together. I always thought that I was the only one who was interested in making this work."
Those words cut into my like a knife and I realised that she was right - I have been trying so hard to not get emotionally attached because I knew this was going to be hard and potentially temporary. I kept my distance on many occasions on purpose because I thought that as long as I do this...I won't be hurt. The last email she sent to me killed me inside, about just how happy she has been with J... and her suspicion about the sudden and utter change of heart after she decided to end things. Despair unlike any thing I have ever experienced dawned on me. I no longer have the courage to face her in person.
"Happy Chinese New Year!"
China, Chinese New Year Eve. After all the excitement I completely forgotten that it's Chinese New Year and since I brought the ticket...why shouldn't I go to celebrate Chinese New Year in China amongst family? I got there and it was pretty evident to my sisters that something was wrong with me. They also had reports from SX that I have been acting very strangely lately. After drinking myself into yet another stupor I passed out and awake again 2 hours later, even after close to 3 weeks I'm still in a constant state of insomnia...I couldn't remember the last time I managed to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. I needed to talk to someone.
"If you don't go, you will regret it for the rest of your life"
My sisters convinced me that I need to go, go see her and ask for her back; failing that, get the kind of closure something like this deserves. She also called me a thousand kind of idiot, how it was so obvious she given me so many chances...so many hints in hopes that I would promise her something, promise her that she was important to me.
So that brought me to Taiwan on 14th February 2013 - Valentines Day. Ironic yes, I also completely forgotten that it was Valentines day until someone mentioned it on the day- I have always called Valentines Day to the one of the most painful days of my life...since I managed to stay single for every single of one of them...2013 is the crowning moment in pain and suffering.
Just before I got onto the plane in Hong Kong airport I sent her a message - that I will be there for 2 days, that I just want to talk, and that she will be willing to see me; of course the choice is up to her. The next day, I sat in a German restaurant that the two of us dined at not more than 2 months ago...but incredible how much has changed since.
It ended pretty much how I expected, in 40minutes I said all that I wanted to say. For the most part she just looked at me, pity in her eyes. After I finished I asked whether she will leave first, leave me with the last shred of dignity that is left in this situation and go before I finally lost all control of my emotions.
"I only blame myself for not holding onto your hand now, even though I want to say I love you, I no longer have the courage. The courage to ask you to save me from my own solitude"
Regret - the title of this post, shares the same title as the post written in July 2011 where I declared that even though things haven't always gone my way I have no regrets, that I will have no regrets. That even in pain I felt alive, that I have lived. The irony of it makes me want to kill myself, because right now I feel regret...unconditioned and uncontrollable regret that doesn't make me feel alive, but rather dead.
I laughed when I reviewed my own arrogance on here - believing that no relationship can possibly hurt me now because I've become stronger. I loath myself for the suggestion that I'm fine by myself, that I'm living a wonderful life without the need for someone like Tiffany...I was so wrong...and once again so arrogant.
I can find no silver-lining, no rationalisation that can appease me. Right now, I'm just a tortured soul looking for any relief from my own mind. Tortured by the late realisation that I had my own happiness in my hand and I never held onto it. There can be no salvation for me this time round, because even right now all I can manage is the damnation of my own soul, no respite, I can find no mercy within myself for my own crimes.
Those words paralysed me, I screamed in my head that I wasn't ready, that this has taken me completely by surprise...yet there was no way to avert my gaze from the eyes of someone looking into my soul, but only silence answered her confession. The shock of someone telling me that she loves me.
“So who is she?"
Fast forward weeks later and a simple question asked by an inquisitive friend and I found myself brimming with excitement to answer that question. I told her how we met, how the relationship developed and the things we did together. The more I spoke the more excited I was and I felt something akin to happiness. I was ready, ready to finally return those words. I couldn't contain myself and left her a voice message on Whatsapp.
"Maybe you think that I'm drunk and doubt my words, to which I admit, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love you."
There! I said it, for the first time ever. I was so excited as I drifted into sleep...happy that I can finally return her feelings. But the response was so wrong, so subdued and I felt really disappointed. But then again, I've no doubt that she felt worse when she said it the first time round. It's not important, right?
"JH asked me out, and I see no reason to turn him down...he at least makes me laugh"
Those words came so unexpectedly two days later, yet the full impact of it didn't hit me until much later. I always knew that super long distance relationship was difficult to sustain; that I somehow always knew this was coming and I thought she was right. The first night of insomnia was completely expected - we shared so much happy memories and it was sudden. Second night came and depression set in and still no sleep in sight. By the third night I completely broke down and I found myself weeping from the depths of my soul. The more I cried the more I realised what she meant to me, I regret keeping her at arms length because how scared I was of letting her close. There was no escape from the prisons of my own mind.
"Please give me another chance
Those words were finally uttered on the fourth day, I begged for her to give me another chance. I would do anything. Nothing else mattered anymore, I brought the tickets back to Hong Kong and then to Taiwan. I asked another friend to help process my Taiwanese VISA...all was ready.
"I never thought that I mattered during our time together. I always thought that I was the only one who was interested in making this work."
Those words cut into my like a knife and I realised that she was right - I have been trying so hard to not get emotionally attached because I knew this was going to be hard and potentially temporary. I kept my distance on many occasions on purpose because I thought that as long as I do this...I won't be hurt. The last email she sent to me killed me inside, about just how happy she has been with J... and her suspicion about the sudden and utter change of heart after she decided to end things. Despair unlike any thing I have ever experienced dawned on me. I no longer have the courage to face her in person.
"Happy Chinese New Year!"
China, Chinese New Year Eve. After all the excitement I completely forgotten that it's Chinese New Year and since I brought the ticket...why shouldn't I go to celebrate Chinese New Year in China amongst family? I got there and it was pretty evident to my sisters that something was wrong with me. They also had reports from SX that I have been acting very strangely lately. After drinking myself into yet another stupor I passed out and awake again 2 hours later, even after close to 3 weeks I'm still in a constant state of insomnia...I couldn't remember the last time I managed to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. I needed to talk to someone.
"If you don't go, you will regret it for the rest of your life"
My sisters convinced me that I need to go, go see her and ask for her back; failing that, get the kind of closure something like this deserves. She also called me a thousand kind of idiot, how it was so obvious she given me so many chances...so many hints in hopes that I would promise her something, promise her that she was important to me.
So that brought me to Taiwan on 14th February 2013 - Valentines Day. Ironic yes, I also completely forgotten that it was Valentines day until someone mentioned it on the day- I have always called Valentines Day to the one of the most painful days of my life...since I managed to stay single for every single of one of them...2013 is the crowning moment in pain and suffering.
Just before I got onto the plane in Hong Kong airport I sent her a message - that I will be there for 2 days, that I just want to talk, and that she will be willing to see me; of course the choice is up to her. The next day, I sat in a German restaurant that the two of us dined at not more than 2 months ago...but incredible how much has changed since.
It ended pretty much how I expected, in 40minutes I said all that I wanted to say. For the most part she just looked at me, pity in her eyes. After I finished I asked whether she will leave first, leave me with the last shred of dignity that is left in this situation and go before I finally lost all control of my emotions.
"I only blame myself for not holding onto your hand now, even though I want to say I love you, I no longer have the courage. The courage to ask you to save me from my own solitude"
Regret - the title of this post, shares the same title as the post written in July 2011 where I declared that even though things haven't always gone my way I have no regrets, that I will have no regrets. That even in pain I felt alive, that I have lived. The irony of it makes me want to kill myself, because right now I feel regret...unconditioned and uncontrollable regret that doesn't make me feel alive, but rather dead.
I laughed when I reviewed my own arrogance on here - believing that no relationship can possibly hurt me now because I've become stronger. I loath myself for the suggestion that I'm fine by myself, that I'm living a wonderful life without the need for someone like Tiffany...I was so wrong...and once again so arrogant.
I can find no silver-lining, no rationalisation that can appease me. Right now, I'm just a tortured soul looking for any relief from my own mind. Tortured by the late realisation that I had my own happiness in my hand and I never held onto it. There can be no salvation for me this time round, because even right now all I can manage is the damnation of my own soul, no respite, I can find no mercy within myself for my own crimes.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Long Overdue Update
It has been a long long time since my last update and judging from the previous post I've completely neglected this blog this year.
I have been to San Francisco and finished the darn marathon. Finished in 5h53min which means I just pass the official finishing time. Considering that I spent the last 6 weeks before the marathon sick with both a viral and bacterial infection one after the other didn't help. The cough was only completely gone a few days before I got on the plane.
Still seems a little unreal that I have completed something that I always assumed I was going to complete at a young age and then halfway through university thought impossible. I feel that I make no exaggeration to claim that this is possible one of my greatest personal triumphs. My body was never meant for long distances as I have always excelled in short distance, speed, agility and accuracy...but never endurance.
Now that I've finished I can still feel a certain "high" that has been with me since. I will continue to run and train. I will train smarter, and better. Next goal will be completing few more marathons and then attempt the Two Oceans in 2014 (2013 is in March and a little too soon).
But I suspect that one of the reasons that I haven't updated this blog in such a long time is because life seems lacklustre. I have done more, witness more and lived more in the past, yet none of them seem to excite me anymore. I thought I would be ecstatic over finishing a long time goal of finishing a 42.2km - but felt completely empty after finishing.
For the first time (it seems) I've met someone who holds strong feelings for me and I seem to return the sentiment. I feel the excitement - but it seems rather dull, like there the my "true" self is floating above watching another version of myself.
I know I should be happy, but at the same time this feels dull...life in general seems dull. Corporate politics and scandals just no longer excites me; it's now normal to uncover yet another lie, yet another conflict of interest. *YAWN*
I have been to San Francisco and finished the darn marathon. Finished in 5h53min which means I just pass the official finishing time. Considering that I spent the last 6 weeks before the marathon sick with both a viral and bacterial infection one after the other didn't help. The cough was only completely gone a few days before I got on the plane.
Still seems a little unreal that I have completed something that I always assumed I was going to complete at a young age and then halfway through university thought impossible. I feel that I make no exaggeration to claim that this is possible one of my greatest personal triumphs. My body was never meant for long distances as I have always excelled in short distance, speed, agility and accuracy...but never endurance.
Now that I've finished I can still feel a certain "high" that has been with me since. I will continue to run and train. I will train smarter, and better. Next goal will be completing few more marathons and then attempt the Two Oceans in 2014 (2013 is in March and a little too soon).
But I suspect that one of the reasons that I haven't updated this blog in such a long time is because life seems lacklustre. I have done more, witness more and lived more in the past, yet none of them seem to excite me anymore. I thought I would be ecstatic over finishing a long time goal of finishing a 42.2km - but felt completely empty after finishing.
For the first time (it seems) I've met someone who holds strong feelings for me and I seem to return the sentiment. I feel the excitement - but it seems rather dull, like there the my "true" self is floating above watching another version of myself.
I know I should be happy, but at the same time this feels dull...life in general seems dull. Corporate politics and scandals just no longer excites me; it's now normal to uncover yet another lie, yet another conflict of interest. *YAWN*
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