B, normally by this time I would be plotting ways to win your heart, simply because it's what I do.
I can now fully admit that during my previous 2 relationships with TC and with LL that I thought about the possibility of the two of us together. The thought was quickly crushed each time. Now that I'm single, you are now back in Johannesburg, we are spending more time than ever, we share a lot of common interests and the hours spent talking about nothing and everything. Even with all that, your body language was more than curious. I would get closer, you don't retreat; but there was no sign that you want to come closer.
I can't say I was all that surprised that you turned me down. It's understandable even, so much baggage has now come between us after so long. Our respective ex's are close friends of ours.
My time with you is so reminiscence of my time with AC, such familiarity and comfort that I feel...safe? This time though the reverse is true, I'm your senior by 4 years and I'm the established one while you are the one who is busy starting.
But B, this time round I'm actually scared and also lacking the courage or will to continue your pursue. On Sunday's hike I met two incredibly attractive and incredible ladies whom I made a quick and fascinating connection with. I guess I'm trying to say that life is too short?
I want to break the cycle. Every time I found
myself drawn to a female friend whom I have known well for a while and
felt a strong tug on the strings of my heart, it has never ended well with me.
If it belongs to you, set it free and it come back to you
JC once told me that line, I was very skeptical but now I actually believe it; or perhaps I want to believe in it?
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Rejected!
This is probably the first rejection from a girl in a while (getting dumped doesn't count) and I can't say that I'm not disappointed and feeling rather down because of it. Though I'll be honest, the reason she gave for the rejection was so original and so strange that I'm more than a little taken back.
"I don't want to revert back to being good-two-shoe"
She seems genuine; and she never asked me to be just her friend. She never denied that she expected the question coming and she hoped that I didn't.
Going through the normal motions of post rejections and just generally trying to manage expectations of a possible change of heart. I don't expect it, but it does help to manage the disappointment.
"I don't want to revert back to being good-two-shoe"
She seems genuine; and she never asked me to be just her friend. She never denied that she expected the question coming and she hoped that I didn't.
Going through the normal motions of post rejections and just generally trying to manage expectations of a possible change of heart. I don't expect it, but it does help to manage the disappointment.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
So She Got Engaged
It was bound to happen, I mean that's the whole point why JH was a better partner than me...at least according to her.
I expected this to happen, guess I didn't expect it to happen so soon? Almost 1 year after she called it quits between us she traveled to Vegas with him and he proposed - I want to say that I'm pissed off that he proposed in Vegas where we shared some very intimate moments - but I'm not angry with that.
As with all emotions - I'm both surprised at how much I care and how little at the same time. Oh, who am I kidding the fact that I'm writing here basically means that it struck a nerve somewhere and now the maelstrom of jealousy, regret and pride keeps on inter-changing.
I...feel like I want to talk to someone but no idea where I would even begin to have this conversation. It's a complete waste of time because I know I will never get the resolution that I want.
Without any hope of resolution all I can hope to do is record this event and just mark another milestone to my life.
I expected this to happen, guess I didn't expect it to happen so soon? Almost 1 year after she called it quits between us she traveled to Vegas with him and he proposed - I want to say that I'm pissed off that he proposed in Vegas where we shared some very intimate moments - but I'm not angry with that.
As with all emotions - I'm both surprised at how much I care and how little at the same time. Oh, who am I kidding the fact that I'm writing here basically means that it struck a nerve somewhere and now the maelstrom of jealousy, regret and pride keeps on inter-changing.
I...feel like I want to talk to someone but no idea where I would even begin to have this conversation. It's a complete waste of time because I know I will never get the resolution that I want.
Without any hope of resolution all I can hope to do is record this event and just mark another milestone to my life.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Am I Just Being Naive?
My opening disclosure to all posts: I'm not that naive; at least no more naive than the average person. I've accumulated enough experience at work and in life to know that while my own internal monologues (such as this post) boarders on naivete, but my actions portray me as someone who is neither unwilling nor innocent participant to this somewhat cut-throat world.
I have long since found that contradiction in myself and wondered many times on this blog whether I'm a just a big hypocrite or a dualist whole seems to hold two different sets of ideas simultaneously - or "Doublethink" and "Doublespeak" from George Orwell's 1984.
Take the topic of marriage - I have no doubt in my mind that I will eventually marry and these days the prospective of marriage is growing more and more appealing. However, on this blog and in my own heart of hearts, I can't fully commit to the idea since I believe it to be a fool's errand. However, the subject of marriage has been exhausted in my own mind and (I suspect) on this blog; so I won't venture there and instead focus on the subject of work, brotherhood and politics.
Two weeks ago, I was having dinner with colleagues from my project (I suppose I should get used to calling them subordinates). We were gathered to celebrate the wonderful occasion where one of them has been offered an employment contract with the Operator now that the project has ended. They offered him a competitive package and I couldn't be more than happy for him. We ate well, drank some wine (almost all of them are generally teatotallers and drank only when the occasion calls for it. Before long, the proclamations of brotherhood started and probably for the first time I actually felt swayed by it.
I was moved by the incredible support by all around the table, spirits are high and it seems like everyone was drinking my future success in the bidding process of another similar project with the No.2 operator in Cape Town. As it stands I personally believe we only have about 30% real chance of winning this bid and that's only if the tendering team gets their acts together and play well with each other. But without a doubt its a great opportunity for me. If I'm able to win this tender it will be a watershed moment in my career; the financial rewards for me will be minimal since I'm not part of the sales and tendering structure. My prize would be the chance to run my own project, for the most successful operator in Africa and gain a foothold into the telecoms industry.
As I finished the above paragraph, the cynic in me paints a more and more vivid picture of why they acted the way that they do. That picture now seems so logically and so real that any further thoughts of presenting the other possibility seem futile and infantile. So let me try to describe this picture on paper:
Should this project happen, I will be the man who can grant continual employment and potentially cushy jobs that offer many benefits without risks; and without any players in the game present they lose nothing by saying this things to me.
So I guess, all that is left to say is that I want to believe them; I want to believe that they really do have my best interests in mind and when the time comes support me in my endeavor not to gain the most financial gain in the shortest time possible, but rather to complete the project in the best possible way.
I have long since found that contradiction in myself and wondered many times on this blog whether I'm a just a big hypocrite or a dualist whole seems to hold two different sets of ideas simultaneously - or "Doublethink" and "Doublespeak" from George Orwell's 1984.
Take the topic of marriage - I have no doubt in my mind that I will eventually marry and these days the prospective of marriage is growing more and more appealing. However, on this blog and in my own heart of hearts, I can't fully commit to the idea since I believe it to be a fool's errand. However, the subject of marriage has been exhausted in my own mind and (I suspect) on this blog; so I won't venture there and instead focus on the subject of work, brotherhood and politics.
Two weeks ago, I was having dinner with colleagues from my project (I suppose I should get used to calling them subordinates). We were gathered to celebrate the wonderful occasion where one of them has been offered an employment contract with the Operator now that the project has ended. They offered him a competitive package and I couldn't be more than happy for him. We ate well, drank some wine (almost all of them are generally teatotallers and drank only when the occasion calls for it. Before long, the proclamations of brotherhood started and probably for the first time I actually felt swayed by it.
I was moved by the incredible support by all around the table, spirits are high and it seems like everyone was drinking my future success in the bidding process of another similar project with the No.2 operator in Cape Town. As it stands I personally believe we only have about 30% real chance of winning this bid and that's only if the tendering team gets their acts together and play well with each other. But without a doubt its a great opportunity for me. If I'm able to win this tender it will be a watershed moment in my career; the financial rewards for me will be minimal since I'm not part of the sales and tendering structure. My prize would be the chance to run my own project, for the most successful operator in Africa and gain a foothold into the telecoms industry.
As I finished the above paragraph, the cynic in me paints a more and more vivid picture of why they acted the way that they do. That picture now seems so logically and so real that any further thoughts of presenting the other possibility seem futile and infantile. So let me try to describe this picture on paper:
Should this project happen, I will be the man who can grant continual employment and potentially cushy jobs that offer many benefits without risks; and without any players in the game present they lose nothing by saying this things to me.
So I guess, all that is left to say is that I want to believe them; I want to believe that they really do have my best interests in mind and when the time comes support me in my endeavor not to gain the most financial gain in the shortest time possible, but rather to complete the project in the best possible way.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
And the Sands of Time Keeps Flowing...
Around this time last year I was actually pretty darn happy, I have no doubt that after the event I have romanticised the 2 weeks in Taiwan and one week in HK with TC; but to the best of my ability I want to reflect on that first night.
Despite all else I couldn't help but think to myself that night: "this has to be the most romantic nights of my life." I use the word romantic here since I can't find a more suitable word. Cycling on the empty road with her as she describes each individual landmark and their significance to her. I was mesmerised: cool air in my face, the smell of a new city and the simple pleasure of just following behind her.
I was happy.
Today, after a 3 hour long session to conclude a doomed project I felt really emotionally drained and I thought to myself - "this time last year I was in Taiwan" and promptly felt depressed because of it. Not because of the doomed relationship associations but because I thought back to the bike ride. Less than 5min into the thought I was also reminded just how much more happier my life currently is compared to 12 months ago.
For starters thanks to the exchange rate, I net significantly more than double my pay 12 months ago; and thanks to a series of events that was kick started due to my inner turmoil 9 months ago I can expect to get promoted and potentially get another significant increase in pay in the next 6 months. I'm top of my game, even if my company isn't.
I was actually involved in another relationship for almost 4 months, I ended it a month ago. LL, an UCT graduate and the ex of a old classmate of mine. She really liked me, but I guess I just needed a surrogate?
So am I happier than 12 months ago? Who knows, I certainly am not a good judgement of my own happiness since I never seem to hold onto happiness when I had it in my hands. Happiness like the sands of time seems to keep slipping between my fingers...
Despite all else I couldn't help but think to myself that night: "this has to be the most romantic nights of my life." I use the word romantic here since I can't find a more suitable word. Cycling on the empty road with her as she describes each individual landmark and their significance to her. I was mesmerised: cool air in my face, the smell of a new city and the simple pleasure of just following behind her.
I was happy.
Today, after a 3 hour long session to conclude a doomed project I felt really emotionally drained and I thought to myself - "this time last year I was in Taiwan" and promptly felt depressed because of it. Not because of the doomed relationship associations but because I thought back to the bike ride. Less than 5min into the thought I was also reminded just how much more happier my life currently is compared to 12 months ago.
For starters thanks to the exchange rate, I net significantly more than double my pay 12 months ago; and thanks to a series of events that was kick started due to my inner turmoil 9 months ago I can expect to get promoted and potentially get another significant increase in pay in the next 6 months. I'm top of my game, even if my company isn't.
I was actually involved in another relationship for almost 4 months, I ended it a month ago. LL, an UCT graduate and the ex of a old classmate of mine. She really liked me, but I guess I just needed a surrogate?
So am I happier than 12 months ago? Who knows, I certainly am not a good judgement of my own happiness since I never seem to hold onto happiness when I had it in my hands. Happiness like the sands of time seems to keep slipping between my fingers...
Friday, November 29, 2013
The Worst Negotiation Ever
Honestly, today's negotiation couldn't have gone worse.
The meeting invite was sent with the subject: "We're not leaving that room without a signature" and the last time that a meeting request was sent out, both teams stayed from 10am till 2am the following day.
Luckily for me I wasn't part of the previous meeting but I imagined it would probably have gone the same way and so I had a hearty lunch and prepared myself mentally the same way I would before a marathon. I walked into the meeting thinking that was going to be long, mentally draining exercise that would require all the mental and physical stamina that I have at my disposal. I was correct, just not in the way that I expected.
Both company heads (or in the clients side a representative) walked into the meeting along with the heavyweights from each department: legal, finance, commercials, and myself representing operations. Similar representation from the other side and I thought to myself "let the games begin".
Within 60 minutes, the heavyweights from the other side left for various reasons and everything went downhill quickly. What was verbally agreed between the heads of both companies was suddenly reversed and we found ourselves staring at an agreement that was alien to myself and the Contract Manager (we wrote the entire contract between us).
The only non-negotiable item that they have been silent on for the last 3 months was taken out of the contract and I found myself fighting a battle that I was unprepared for - since I wasn't expecting them to. The next 4 hours was worthy of an Shakespearean Soliloquy since both sides refused to budge on that one single point and defended their positions with incredible eloquence and logic.
I find myself drained emotionally and was getting more than a little emotional; I was ashamed to say that each time my tempers boiled it was quickly quelled by either the big boss or the Contract Manager, JM. Both veteran in these boardrooms. The big boss asked me at point blank whether it's possible for us to fold on this point and I maintained my position - "this is not negotiable!"
I no longer have no doubt that this meeting was a set up; the whole thing was a trap. The big wigs from the other side agreed verbally to our suggestions and we walked in thinking it was just mere formality and that the correct legal wording was all that was needed. Then the decision makers quickly left the meeting and never returned despite promises to do so and then refuted all verbal agreements over the phone when we tried to reach them. They then took the position that they knew we would never agree to - pommel us until we submit or until we had enough and just end the negotiations. Eventually by 7pm we did the latter and I suspect that was the objective: to blame us for the breakdown in negotiations and any eventual fallout if an agreement was not met within the next 24 hours deadline.
Our suspicion they have finally came to the startling conclusion that their house of cards are coming down on top of their heads and they need a scape goat. On a personal front that's fine, again nothing personal merely business and they were merely looking after their own interests. However, if the big boss was to fold this time round I think I can turn in my resignation when my contract comes to an end. If they choose to fight this, I would fight with all strength even if it's a losing battle; but if he betrays our team again for the second time, then I see no future in staying.
The meeting invite was sent with the subject: "We're not leaving that room without a signature" and the last time that a meeting request was sent out, both teams stayed from 10am till 2am the following day.
Luckily for me I wasn't part of the previous meeting but I imagined it would probably have gone the same way and so I had a hearty lunch and prepared myself mentally the same way I would before a marathon. I walked into the meeting thinking that was going to be long, mentally draining exercise that would require all the mental and physical stamina that I have at my disposal. I was correct, just not in the way that I expected.
Both company heads (or in the clients side a representative) walked into the meeting along with the heavyweights from each department: legal, finance, commercials, and myself representing operations. Similar representation from the other side and I thought to myself "let the games begin".
Within 60 minutes, the heavyweights from the other side left for various reasons and everything went downhill quickly. What was verbally agreed between the heads of both companies was suddenly reversed and we found ourselves staring at an agreement that was alien to myself and the Contract Manager (we wrote the entire contract between us).
The only non-negotiable item that they have been silent on for the last 3 months was taken out of the contract and I found myself fighting a battle that I was unprepared for - since I wasn't expecting them to. The next 4 hours was worthy of an Shakespearean Soliloquy since both sides refused to budge on that one single point and defended their positions with incredible eloquence and logic.
I find myself drained emotionally and was getting more than a little emotional; I was ashamed to say that each time my tempers boiled it was quickly quelled by either the big boss or the Contract Manager, JM. Both veteran in these boardrooms. The big boss asked me at point blank whether it's possible for us to fold on this point and I maintained my position - "this is not negotiable!"
I no longer have no doubt that this meeting was a set up; the whole thing was a trap. The big wigs from the other side agreed verbally to our suggestions and we walked in thinking it was just mere formality and that the correct legal wording was all that was needed. Then the decision makers quickly left the meeting and never returned despite promises to do so and then refuted all verbal agreements over the phone when we tried to reach them. They then took the position that they knew we would never agree to - pommel us until we submit or until we had enough and just end the negotiations. Eventually by 7pm we did the latter and I suspect that was the objective: to blame us for the breakdown in negotiations and any eventual fallout if an agreement was not met within the next 24 hours deadline.
Our suspicion they have finally came to the startling conclusion that their house of cards are coming down on top of their heads and they need a scape goat. On a personal front that's fine, again nothing personal merely business and they were merely looking after their own interests. However, if the big boss was to fold this time round I think I can turn in my resignation when my contract comes to an end. If they choose to fight this, I would fight with all strength even if it's a losing battle; but if he betrays our team again for the second time, then I see no future in staying.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
So I turned the big 30 yesterday
Honestly the only real significance of turning 30 is due to mass media brainwashing - the arbitrary number of revolutions around the sun based on the arbitrary number made significant due to a base 10 numbering system (which in term is not so arbitrarily chosen due to our 10 digits) is just crazy when one thinks about it.
So with that clumsy disclaimer of an opening paragraph I feel somewhat compelled to mark this occasion with some kind of profound reflection, which while this sentence is being structured is highly questionable.
I suppose one would reflect upon the three decade of my existence and while I'm tempted there is a matter of a letter written by the 18 year old me, to my current self with many deep questions. So I think it will be a good start to answer them.
1.) No, I'm not a virgin
2.) No, not married
3.) No children
4.) No, still haven't found the meaning to life
5.) Yes, fallen in love. Twice by my count; but contentious at the best of times
6.) Yes, moved out
7.) Yes, managed to avoid the family business, thus far
While the above 7 question was probably posted in more verbose and (I would like to think) eloquent language for a 18 year old, they are answered.
So with that clumsy disclaimer of an opening paragraph I feel somewhat compelled to mark this occasion with some kind of profound reflection, which while this sentence is being structured is highly questionable.
I suppose one would reflect upon the three decade of my existence and while I'm tempted there is a matter of a letter written by the 18 year old me, to my current self with many deep questions. So I think it will be a good start to answer them.
1.) No, I'm not a virgin
2.) No, not married
3.) No children
4.) No, still haven't found the meaning to life
5.) Yes, fallen in love. Twice by my count; but contentious at the best of times
6.) Yes, moved out
7.) Yes, managed to avoid the family business, thus far
While the above 7 question was probably posted in more verbose and (I would like to think) eloquent language for a 18 year old, they are answered.
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