I have never felt such extreme pain for such a long time. It’s hard to believe that someone could have such a devastating impact on my life and my psyche despite spending such a relatively short time with her.
I’ve tried to rationalise this pain and this stranger than expected emotion. I wonder to myself why do I feel so much pain this time round? Any different from the other times when I was dumped? Unlike the others, I don’t share many interests with her. We don’t think alike, nor do we share the same outlook to life. I suspect that when it comes down to it – our philosophy to life are miles apart.
Yet what makes her special is that for the first time I saw a future with this girl, a future that CAN incorporate both sides of my identity - my Chinese heritage and my Western upbringing. That suddenly the idea of marriage and rearing children no longer frightens me. More importantly, I imagined a future that was more than pleasant – anticipated even. Her continual presence was a source of warmth and comfort, I never felt such comfortable familiarity with anyone and when my heart opened up for the first time everything about her became perfection in my eyes.
Above all else I wanted to protect this small woman. She claims that she has issues and emotional baggage and much like others before her, it invoked the male chauvinist in me – I want her to need me. I want to be that person who will be there to protect her, regardless of the time of day. I believed and wanted, above all else that I would be the one to bring her happiness. That night after the attempted break-in at her place, and when she asked me to hold her and comfort her was possibly one of the happiest moments of my life. I felt whole - as if this was what I was meant to do. Content. At that moment in my bliss I was neither strong nor witty enough to tell her how I felt, a moment of such fragile happiness that I dared not disturb.
The last 2 weeks has redefined my world, I realised I never knew true pain till now. I understood what being helpless meant. I am the man who was denied the right to his salvation and for that I weeped-endlessly.
I’ve cried myself to sleep for most of the 1st week. I felt a momentary relieve the following Friday evening and then amazingly continued to weep endlessly. I kept guard by my cell phone and computer in the vain hope that she would contact me – I knew that I was the one who told her that I won’t speak with her again, but I never imagined it would be this painful. Every small thing and every place reminds me of her – each small reminder hinted at the promise and hope that I had.
I actually don’t feel betrayed – somehow I still believe that this is all my fault. I just hate myself because I couldn’t believe that I was so easily replaced - whispering the words "Why not me?"
I love her. Maybe I didn't before this and maybe I did but never realised it, and for the first time using those three words is not an exaggeration. In the end I want her to be happy – truly I do. I still dream, hope bordering on fantasy that I can still be part of that future but I’m starting to accept that it will never be.
Just as I'm accepting the fact that she will never hear me say those three words - and even worse she would never actually believe it.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
AC
I met her for the first time in around August/September of 2009, I finally got around to phoning KW who is up and around Pretoria and he invited me over for Karaoke in Cyrildene with some of his friends and so after dinner with the Huang family I went to the "Red Peony" (紅牡丹).
There I met her for the first time - I later discovered she had recently broken up with Vin and is more than a little depressed. I really don't remember her well from that night, to be perfected honest (something that I denied later) I found her to be mediocre - someone such that I would've forgotten if it weren't for later events. I met her a few more times from that point on - meals, dim sum at the Regal Palace （新華園） YC's birthday party at MacDonald's and the Christmas party that was hosted at my place but organised by YC and co. She left a impression, but even now she has always been in the background for me.
When YC finally decided to quit her job and go back to Cape Town AC organised a surprise party in her honour. I was still working with LI then, and so when AC asked if people can come over to help with the preparations I volunteered since I had time on my hands to spare that Friday. I wasn't much help and actually more of a hinderance than anything else. Yet, it was during that night that I felt so much comfort around this short but infinitely warm "girl" who was 4 years my senior to the day. From that day onwards I felt an affinity to this woman, from affinity I felt comfort, trust and ultimately affection and love.
We started to spend alot of time together after YC's farewell - partially because I had little one else, partially because it was so natural to be around her. Around he I was myself more often than not, and she didn't seem to find my company unpleasant despite my somewhat arrogant and tactless remarks - no small feat.
Yet ultimately, it was my new housemates that unwittedly sent me down this path. JVZ remarked that she is gorgeous - elegant and beautiful - I found that concept to be strange at first, but before I knew I began to understand what she meant. AC is an incredibly beautiful woman - just too bad that there is such an age gap between us. Later that month, JL the other housemate met AC for the first time and I felt (more than) a stab of jealousy while observing JL trying to be charming and witty like he does with all the girls. I knew I no longer see AC only as a friend. By this time, we've been spending a lot of time together both online and offline, one some days I spent every waking hour with her in person and via Gtalk on both our phones. I jumped at every opportunity to be with her and claim that I didn't have ANY other friends or associates, partially true, but mostly exaggeration. She has become the sun that I revolved around.
From there I tried to broadcast my intentions to test the waters in hopes that once she realises my intentions she might give me a hint on whether to carry on...or give up. But it seems the heavens has a harsh sense of humour. For about a month, I tried everything to convey my feelings through hints in my speech and actions. When that didn't work I tried doing things that was a little more to the point. Cooking at her place and showing up at her place when she is sick with cold meds and soup. I thought she MUST understand my intentions after this. When that failed, I sent her roses to her work believing that I will finally get an answer from her...but apparently even then she claimed ignorance. So my last resort was to ask directly, and waited for a good opportunity.
During all this I started to ask myself searching questions. She is 31 this year, being Chinese means that she will be facing a lot of pressure to be married and she wanted children. Do I want to waste her time if I don't want these things? I never wanted these things before in my life. Till that point the idea of marriage and children sounded like a stupid idea. It finally occurred to me that there is a future with this woman and not only that... I wanted to be part of this future. She will be the first girl I fallen for and dated that I can share everything about me. Both my full Chinese heritage and South African upbringing, in the past I thought I will have to eventually choose between the two. But the true insight was simple. I wanted a future with this girl, and a new world of possibilities opened up like the petals of a rose. Unfortunately like a flower in full bloom, it was doomed to wither and die.
My mom passed away on the 24th June 2010. The next day for various reasons I no longer cared I said "Go out with me" in a soft voice while trying to both avoid her eyes and look her in the eyes at the same time. "Why?" was her reply. She told me exactly what I expected to hear, I'm a great guy but not someone for her. That I'm too young. That she is still messed up from the previous relationship. That night I left her place feeling pretty miserable. But as soon as I got home, she messaged me on Gtalk and for the first time I felt like she was flirting with me. I wondered if this woman online was the same woman who just broke my heart. 2 hours into that chat later I realised that she wasn't certain about herself at all, that I still have more than just a chance with her...if I just play my cards right.
From that day on, we kept seeing each other very often. I didn't mentioned asking her out in person again. But every time I get home after seeing her, we would chat online for a few hours at a time and once again I felt like I'm getting through to her. More often than not, we would have a wonderful evening together and later she would tell me online how it was a bad idea. Or vice versa.
In her bid to convince me how messed up she is, she told me online in great length about her previous relationships, when she told me that she is now feeling depressed because I just helped her dig up all her past pain my heart shattered. I asked her, begged her of a way I can make her feel better. Her last reply was that no I couldn't, because I was the one who now reminded her of all the bad things. I couldn't sleep that night, the knowledge that I caused her so much pain haunted me and I knew: she could destroy me whenever she wanted, she had the power.
I sent her flowers again, thinking it was a good idea to try to ask her out again. In the message I asked for a dinner date. She questioned me and she realises me intention. She then tried to end it, saying that it was no longer healthy to keep me going like this. That day, I almost gave up as I felt my heart falling down the endless abyss and the only reply I could come up with was. "Why now? You could've ended this at any time in the last few weeks." Her hesitation was all it took for me to pick myself up and she suggested that we have one trial date. To see how it goes. That night, I thought I finally cracked the lock to her heart.
The night before the "first official" date we went to watch a terrible movie with a mutual friend. She came over to my place later that night, and we kissed for the first time. She was still hesitant but was progressively more respondent to my advances. I thought that I've finally found a niche in her heart. The date now seemed irrelevant. The first date went smoothly, she seemed shy, unsure and I spent most of the evening just adoring her. I was so happy that I wanted to tell the whole world. I wanted to scream to everyone that could hear that I'm in love. Completely heads over heels with this wonderful woman. But my tongue was stilled, this was a fragile start and previous experience has taught me not to suffocate a budding relationship. I kept my joy bottled up - with each additional day, hour and minute spent with her the pressure built and I was ready to explode.
There I met her for the first time - I later discovered she had recently broken up with Vin and is more than a little depressed. I really don't remember her well from that night, to be perfected honest (something that I denied later) I found her to be mediocre - someone such that I would've forgotten if it weren't for later events. I met her a few more times from that point on - meals, dim sum at the Regal Palace （新華園） YC's birthday party at MacDonald's and the Christmas party that was hosted at my place but organised by YC and co. She left a impression, but even now she has always been in the background for me.
When YC finally decided to quit her job and go back to Cape Town AC organised a surprise party in her honour. I was still working with LI then, and so when AC asked if people can come over to help with the preparations I volunteered since I had time on my hands to spare that Friday. I wasn't much help and actually more of a hinderance than anything else. Yet, it was during that night that I felt so much comfort around this short but infinitely warm "girl" who was 4 years my senior to the day. From that day onwards I felt an affinity to this woman, from affinity I felt comfort, trust and ultimately affection and love.
We started to spend alot of time together after YC's farewell - partially because I had little one else, partially because it was so natural to be around her. Around he I was myself more often than not, and she didn't seem to find my company unpleasant despite my somewhat arrogant and tactless remarks - no small feat.
Yet ultimately, it was my new housemates that unwittedly sent me down this path. JVZ remarked that she is gorgeous - elegant and beautiful - I found that concept to be strange at first, but before I knew I began to understand what she meant. AC is an incredibly beautiful woman - just too bad that there is such an age gap between us. Later that month, JL the other housemate met AC for the first time and I felt (more than) a stab of jealousy while observing JL trying to be charming and witty like he does with all the girls. I knew I no longer see AC only as a friend. By this time, we've been spending a lot of time together both online and offline, one some days I spent every waking hour with her in person and via Gtalk on both our phones. I jumped at every opportunity to be with her and claim that I didn't have ANY other friends or associates, partially true, but mostly exaggeration. She has become the sun that I revolved around.
From there I tried to broadcast my intentions to test the waters in hopes that once she realises my intentions she might give me a hint on whether to carry on...or give up. But it seems the heavens has a harsh sense of humour. For about a month, I tried everything to convey my feelings through hints in my speech and actions. When that didn't work I tried doing things that was a little more to the point. Cooking at her place and showing up at her place when she is sick with cold meds and soup. I thought she MUST understand my intentions after this. When that failed, I sent her roses to her work believing that I will finally get an answer from her...but apparently even then she claimed ignorance. So my last resort was to ask directly, and waited for a good opportunity.
During all this I started to ask myself searching questions. She is 31 this year, being Chinese means that she will be facing a lot of pressure to be married and she wanted children. Do I want to waste her time if I don't want these things? I never wanted these things before in my life. Till that point the idea of marriage and children sounded like a stupid idea. It finally occurred to me that there is a future with this woman and not only that... I wanted to be part of this future. She will be the first girl I fallen for and dated that I can share everything about me. Both my full Chinese heritage and South African upbringing, in the past I thought I will have to eventually choose between the two. But the true insight was simple. I wanted a future with this girl, and a new world of possibilities opened up like the petals of a rose. Unfortunately like a flower in full bloom, it was doomed to wither and die.
My mom passed away on the 24th June 2010. The next day for various reasons I no longer cared I said "Go out with me" in a soft voice while trying to both avoid her eyes and look her in the eyes at the same time. "Why?" was her reply. She told me exactly what I expected to hear, I'm a great guy but not someone for her. That I'm too young. That she is still messed up from the previous relationship. That night I left her place feeling pretty miserable. But as soon as I got home, she messaged me on Gtalk and for the first time I felt like she was flirting with me. I wondered if this woman online was the same woman who just broke my heart. 2 hours into that chat later I realised that she wasn't certain about herself at all, that I still have more than just a chance with her...if I just play my cards right.
From that day on, we kept seeing each other very often. I didn't mentioned asking her out in person again. But every time I get home after seeing her, we would chat online for a few hours at a time and once again I felt like I'm getting through to her. More often than not, we would have a wonderful evening together and later she would tell me online how it was a bad idea. Or vice versa.
In her bid to convince me how messed up she is, she told me online in great length about her previous relationships, when she told me that she is now feeling depressed because I just helped her dig up all her past pain my heart shattered. I asked her, begged her of a way I can make her feel better. Her last reply was that no I couldn't, because I was the one who now reminded her of all the bad things. I couldn't sleep that night, the knowledge that I caused her so much pain haunted me and I knew: she could destroy me whenever she wanted, she had the power.
I sent her flowers again, thinking it was a good idea to try to ask her out again. In the message I asked for a dinner date. She questioned me and she realises me intention. She then tried to end it, saying that it was no longer healthy to keep me going like this. That day, I almost gave up as I felt my heart falling down the endless abyss and the only reply I could come up with was. "Why now? You could've ended this at any time in the last few weeks." Her hesitation was all it took for me to pick myself up and she suggested that we have one trial date. To see how it goes. That night, I thought I finally cracked the lock to her heart.
The night before the "first official" date we went to watch a terrible movie with a mutual friend. She came over to my place later that night, and we kissed for the first time. She was still hesitant but was progressively more respondent to my advances. I thought that I've finally found a niche in her heart. The date now seemed irrelevant. The first date went smoothly, she seemed shy, unsure and I spent most of the evening just adoring her. I was so happy that I wanted to tell the whole world. I wanted to scream to everyone that could hear that I'm in love. Completely heads over heels with this wonderful woman. But my tongue was stilled, this was a fragile start and previous experience has taught me not to suffocate a budding relationship. I kept my joy bottled up - with each additional day, hour and minute spent with her the pressure built and I was ready to explode.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Mama
It’s never easy to lose a love one, and if we ask Freud losing one’s mother is particularly traumatising event. I always wondered how in the world would I react to the news that my mom has finally passed away, would I cry my eyes out? Would I grief? Or in the other extreme will I breath a sign of relieve? At her finally escaping her pain and for me to run away from the very obvious way that she is suffering? The answer as it is often with life is a bit of all the above.
I cried when I heard the news, it was short but rather animated. I grieved by being angry with the entire world. I breathed the sign of relieve and decided that in my future I no longer have to worry about a woman who couldn’t even defend herself.
Maybe not to the same intensity as when grandfather passed away – the thought of his passing still brings tears to my eyes. But whenever I get reminded of her like now, I can’t help but feel tears welling in my eyes. I owe that woman so much of my life – much more than I can ever hope to repay, I kept telling myself that I will be able to make it to her. During my last visit to HK a month before her passing I realised that there is one thing that she wanted above all others – me getting married and giving her grandchildren. Even then, when I knew that it was going to be our last meeting I couldn’t bring myself to lie to her. Not for the first time in my life I wished that I was a better liar – at least this time round my reasons will be pure. Why couldn’t I get off my high horse and just lie to the woman that has given me life?
I’m scared of returning to Cape Town, all her belongings are still there. Everything in that house will remind me of her. The kitchen is one place where memories of her are the most lucid and for a while it scared me.
Please forgive me.
I’m happy to feel such grief for your passing, I’m glad that I can find it within me to mourn you. Both were doubtful at one stage in my life. You are not the greatest of mothers, you were timid and defenceless. You’re everything that I hate in a woman. But I can’t deny the fact that you’re amongst one of the most gentle and kind woman that I’ve ever knew.
I cried when I heard the news, it was short but rather animated. I grieved by being angry with the entire world. I breathed the sign of relieve and decided that in my future I no longer have to worry about a woman who couldn’t even defend herself.
Maybe not to the same intensity as when grandfather passed away – the thought of his passing still brings tears to my eyes. But whenever I get reminded of her like now, I can’t help but feel tears welling in my eyes. I owe that woman so much of my life – much more than I can ever hope to repay, I kept telling myself that I will be able to make it to her. During my last visit to HK a month before her passing I realised that there is one thing that she wanted above all others – me getting married and giving her grandchildren. Even then, when I knew that it was going to be our last meeting I couldn’t bring myself to lie to her. Not for the first time in my life I wished that I was a better liar – at least this time round my reasons will be pure. Why couldn’t I get off my high horse and just lie to the woman that has given me life?
I’m scared of returning to Cape Town, all her belongings are still there. Everything in that house will remind me of her. The kitchen is one place where memories of her are the most lucid and for a while it scared me.
Please forgive me.
I’m happy to feel such grief for your passing, I’m glad that I can find it within me to mourn you. Both were doubtful at one stage in my life. You are not the greatest of mothers, you were timid and defenceless. You’re everything that I hate in a woman. But I can’t deny the fact that you’re amongst one of the most gentle and kind woman that I’ve ever knew.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Made by China in Africa
Three months ago after having a lovely meal with a fellow banana (Chinese/Yellow on the outside and white on the inside) friend Miss J and our black friend Mr. K while driving to our next location we were stopped by a police check point and were immediately asked to show our passports. I was at first perplexed by the request since Mr. K was the one driving. When Miss J and I presented our SOUTH AFRICAN drivers licenses he once again asked for our passports – now raising his voice and speaking slower. With raised eyebrows we told him that we don't have our passports because we are all South African citizens. He looked at us intently and repeated the words “You are South African?” and I replied (now irritated) “Yes! Can't you tell from our accents?” Before we could really object he took the backpack from Miss J's hands and went through it and naturally didn't find anything objectionable.
"He looked so BLEAK!" quoting Miss J when he couldn't find anything wrong with us. Getting in the car Mr. K told us that the police officer asked him in Zulu if he was running some kind of illegal taxi service, though he wasn't sure because his Zulu has always been limited – but apparently the officer didn't want to hear any of that and kept speaking to him in Zulu.
Driving away the three of us laughed the whole way, Miss J described him as such a big jerk that it was actually funny, he showed such unadulterated disappointed when he could find nothing wrong with us - depressed even. I understand that we were within 2km of about 3 different Chinese supermarkets and I have been told by my boss that there always tons of police check points around and they always pull over trucks with Chinese drivers and try to extort bribes from them (naturally he failed to mentioned the often counterfeit and smuggled goods). My hypothesis was that he saw two Chinese in the car and thought "cash-cow" on seeing Katlego he immediately thought "Aw! Illegal taxi-service." I also found out later that it was illegal for him to go through Miss J's bags like that. But the punch line of the whole rather comical-like incident was that the three of us were going to the apartheid museum. Nothing like a life re-enactment of apartheid-like thinking to put you into perspective. I have written this off as racial profiling, because unfortunately the Chinese community at large has a (well deserved) reputation for bribing people at the first sign of trouble.
But now, three months later and after having been pulled over no less than seven times after that incident I no longer found this incident amusing. In all but three of these occasions were the police officer seemingly honest. I have pulled over twice on Rivonia road on the weekend, on one occasion had the breath test and the officer without showing me the results kept saying how this was wrong. After practically grabbing the tester from his hands it showed 0.01mg – even without knowing what the limit was I knew that it means the alcohol was barely detectable (afterwards I found out it was 0.24mg). The other time occasion while with another friend (incidentally Jewish and wearing a yarmulke), the officer declared that my drivers was invalid and I started to laugh, incredulously asking in what POSSIBLE way can it be invalid – he immediately recanted. I've been pulled over by officers claiming that I was speeding, when I asked if he was sure he said he got me on camera, but since he was such a nice guy he would let me go for only R300. When I pressed him for a ticket he told me to go. I was pulled over once for a legitimate reason to which I was perfectly prepared to pay the fine – the officer told me that I can make it go away by buying him a “drink.” when I explained I don't have my drivers with me because I left my wallet at home he made me open my boot and cubby hold till his is satisfied that I don't have ANY money and he just let me go. Guess he didn't want to bother with the paperwork.
Now, I could just be the most unlucky person when it comes to being pulled over. But I've travelled fairly extensively and I know what I see here in South Africa – corruption on a new level. I'm not naïve enough to think that bribes weren't happening in the SAPS and Metropolice in the past. But these new events disturb me greatly, it was one thing to have officers asking for a bribe when they found minor offences (not having a license, jumping a robot, speeding etc.) but to actually employ scare tactics and make up irregularities is on another level altogether. The only other place that I have had such experiences in the past was in the DRC! The DRC particularly the copper rich Katanga area was invaded by a sudden rush of Chinese prospectors a few years back that was comparable with the gold/diamond rush. The Chinese there established such a horrored reputation for bribing that I couldn't get through immigration at the airport without spending US$15 in total bribes to four different groups (health officials, customs, security, immigrations) to make sure that they hold me there forever – even though I have all the legitimate documents.
Now my conclusion to all of this is based completely on anecdotal evidence, because while in DRC I spoke with many of the local white population and they tell me that they almost never have to pay bribes/grease to get through customs and immigrations. Here in South Africa speaking with the more recently immigrated Chinese members I found that like myself they tend to be targeted more often by the police – they are also very quick to hand over big bribes depending on the situation. Their command of the English language is limited and therefore it's easy to intimidate them.
In short, the Chinese community in South Africa, in particular those in Johannesburg has started to bring this culture here and put itself into a predicament. To be fair we as a group must play in the mess we created. I implore all SABC (South African Born Chinese) and banana's like myself to make a stand and stop this stupid trend, I only include this crowd because I don't think the newcomers will really read M&G or any English paper for that matter. I also would like to make an appeal to all South Africans of reason and integrity (and in some cases with a bit of money) to please not be tempted – this can't and won't end well. Day after day we complain about crime and corruption, the ball is in your court. Make a difference.
"He looked so BLEAK!" quoting Miss J when he couldn't find anything wrong with us. Getting in the car Mr. K told us that the police officer asked him in Zulu if he was running some kind of illegal taxi service, though he wasn't sure because his Zulu has always been limited – but apparently the officer didn't want to hear any of that and kept speaking to him in Zulu.
Driving away the three of us laughed the whole way, Miss J described him as such a big jerk that it was actually funny, he showed such unadulterated disappointed when he could find nothing wrong with us - depressed even. I understand that we were within 2km of about 3 different Chinese supermarkets and I have been told by my boss that there always tons of police check points around and they always pull over trucks with Chinese drivers and try to extort bribes from them (naturally he failed to mentioned the often counterfeit and smuggled goods). My hypothesis was that he saw two Chinese in the car and thought "cash-cow" on seeing Katlego he immediately thought "Aw! Illegal taxi-service." I also found out later that it was illegal for him to go through Miss J's bags like that. But the punch line of the whole rather comical-like incident was that the three of us were going to the apartheid museum. Nothing like a life re-enactment of apartheid-like thinking to put you into perspective. I have written this off as racial profiling, because unfortunately the Chinese community at large has a (well deserved) reputation for bribing people at the first sign of trouble.
But now, three months later and after having been pulled over no less than seven times after that incident I no longer found this incident amusing. In all but three of these occasions were the police officer seemingly honest. I have pulled over twice on Rivonia road on the weekend, on one occasion had the breath test and the officer without showing me the results kept saying how this was wrong. After practically grabbing the tester from his hands it showed 0.01mg – even without knowing what the limit was I knew that it means the alcohol was barely detectable (afterwards I found out it was 0.24mg). The other time occasion while with another friend (incidentally Jewish and wearing a yarmulke), the officer declared that my drivers was invalid and I started to laugh, incredulously asking in what POSSIBLE way can it be invalid – he immediately recanted. I've been pulled over by officers claiming that I was speeding, when I asked if he was sure he said he got me on camera, but since he was such a nice guy he would let me go for only R300. When I pressed him for a ticket he told me to go. I was pulled over once for a legitimate reason to which I was perfectly prepared to pay the fine – the officer told me that I can make it go away by buying him a “drink.” when I explained I don't have my drivers with me because I left my wallet at home he made me open my boot and cubby hold till his is satisfied that I don't have ANY money and he just let me go. Guess he didn't want to bother with the paperwork.
Now, I could just be the most unlucky person when it comes to being pulled over. But I've travelled fairly extensively and I know what I see here in South Africa – corruption on a new level. I'm not naïve enough to think that bribes weren't happening in the SAPS and Metropolice in the past. But these new events disturb me greatly, it was one thing to have officers asking for a bribe when they found minor offences (not having a license, jumping a robot, speeding etc.) but to actually employ scare tactics and make up irregularities is on another level altogether. The only other place that I have had such experiences in the past was in the DRC! The DRC particularly the copper rich Katanga area was invaded by a sudden rush of Chinese prospectors a few years back that was comparable with the gold/diamond rush. The Chinese there established such a horrored reputation for bribing that I couldn't get through immigration at the airport without spending US$15 in total bribes to four different groups (health officials, customs, security, immigrations) to make sure that they hold me there forever – even though I have all the legitimate documents.
Now my conclusion to all of this is based completely on anecdotal evidence, because while in DRC I spoke with many of the local white population and they tell me that they almost never have to pay bribes/grease to get through customs and immigrations. Here in South Africa speaking with the more recently immigrated Chinese members I found that like myself they tend to be targeted more often by the police – they are also very quick to hand over big bribes depending on the situation. Their command of the English language is limited and therefore it's easy to intimidate them.
In short, the Chinese community in South Africa, in particular those in Johannesburg has started to bring this culture here and put itself into a predicament. To be fair we as a group must play in the mess we created. I implore all SABC (South African Born Chinese) and banana's like myself to make a stand and stop this stupid trend, I only include this crowd because I don't think the newcomers will really read M&G or any English paper for that matter. I also would like to make an appeal to all South Africans of reason and integrity (and in some cases with a bit of money) to please not be tempted – this can't and won't end well. Day after day we complain about crime and corruption, the ball is in your court. Make a difference.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
UCT Alumni Leadership Forum - Ciko Thomas
Last night I went to my first UCT (University of Cape Town) Alumni event called the Alumni Leader Forum, the guest speaker naturally was an Alumni: Ciko Thomas and the topic was "BEE and it's (Entrepreneurship) Discontents"
I went with AC who was also the person that told me about it since apparently until then I wasn't important enough to be told about these types of events. The talk took place at the Hyatt Regency, Rosebank in the Ilanga Room starting at 18:00 and was pretty awesome. AC and I got there really early because we thought that we were going to be in traffic for a while but was pleasantly surprised at the smooth sailing that took us there in less than half the expected time.
We were greeted with offers of drinks and snacks and were introduced to Rene and Jasmine who flew up to Johannesburg for this event. We had a short chat with them concerning the event and other about the forum overall. People started to gather and so we were ushered into the room for the presentation by Mr Thomas interesting surname for a evidently black guy. (For those those who aren't familiar with South African, we define every citizen as Africans and therefore calling someone black is completely PC. Also if he hand any mixed Ancestry we would refer to him as coloured rather than black, hence why the thought.)
The presentation was more than a little disappointing, he raised one or two very good points but overall the failed to surprise me with either facts or opinions. He might be energetic in his presentation but most of that energy seem to be wasted on trying to nail home points that's generally accepted to the group present. For example, he states that current BEE (Black Economic Empowerment) programs have failed in more cases than it succeeded, that maybe we need to shift the paradigm from the idea of redistributing "White" assets to the idea of creating new assets and sharing them in the economic growth through entrepreneurial activities and in order to do so we need to install a new sense of entrepreneurial spirit into the country but failed to present any tangible ways to do so - he left that as a challenge to the listeners to provide it. His central point was that we need to find other ways to nurture entrepreneurial spirit since despite the current governments efforts it has failed. He calls on better education of our students - but fails to mention that we already dedicate a higher percentage of our public spending on education than almost all developed countries. He made a good case, but I was disappointed because he didn't even try to provide a solution for any of these issues, rather to try and motivate us to stand up and make a difference.
At the end of the day he was preaching to the choir and unfortunately lacked that certain spark to inspire me into a true believer - he was just too mild and lukewarm in too much of his presentation. One can't help but wonder if he was trying very hard not to criticize the current BEE implementation too severely since he himself has directly benefited from it. Also by then he has sold his business and is currently working for Nedbank (one of the big 4 banks in SA) doesn't do his gospel of entrepreneurial spirit a lot of good - though one wouldn't go as far as to call him a hypocrite.
At the end of the day, a thoroughly good evening out. Great food at the end and despite what seems to be non-stop criticisms above, I really liked the presentation and the event on a whole. Naturally, good company helped as well.
I went with AC who was also the person that told me about it since apparently until then I wasn't important enough to be told about these types of events. The talk took place at the Hyatt Regency, Rosebank in the Ilanga Room starting at 18:00 and was pretty awesome. AC and I got there really early because we thought that we were going to be in traffic for a while but was pleasantly surprised at the smooth sailing that took us there in less than half the expected time.
We were greeted with offers of drinks and snacks and were introduced to Rene and Jasmine who flew up to Johannesburg for this event. We had a short chat with them concerning the event and other about the forum overall. People started to gather and so we were ushered into the room for the presentation by Mr Thomas interesting surname for a evidently black guy. (For those those who aren't familiar with South African, we define every citizen as Africans and therefore calling someone black is completely PC. Also if he hand any mixed Ancestry we would refer to him as coloured rather than black, hence why the thought.)
The presentation was more than a little disappointing, he raised one or two very good points but overall the failed to surprise me with either facts or opinions. He might be energetic in his presentation but most of that energy seem to be wasted on trying to nail home points that's generally accepted to the group present. For example, he states that current BEE (Black Economic Empowerment) programs have failed in more cases than it succeeded, that maybe we need to shift the paradigm from the idea of redistributing "White" assets to the idea of creating new assets and sharing them in the economic growth through entrepreneurial activities and in order to do so we need to install a new sense of entrepreneurial spirit into the country but failed to present any tangible ways to do so - he left that as a challenge to the listeners to provide it. His central point was that we need to find other ways to nurture entrepreneurial spirit since despite the current governments efforts it has failed. He calls on better education of our students - but fails to mention that we already dedicate a higher percentage of our public spending on education than almost all developed countries. He made a good case, but I was disappointed because he didn't even try to provide a solution for any of these issues, rather to try and motivate us to stand up and make a difference.
At the end of the day he was preaching to the choir and unfortunately lacked that certain spark to inspire me into a true believer - he was just too mild and lukewarm in too much of his presentation. One can't help but wonder if he was trying very hard not to criticize the current BEE implementation too severely since he himself has directly benefited from it. Also by then he has sold his business and is currently working for Nedbank (one of the big 4 banks in SA) doesn't do his gospel of entrepreneurial spirit a lot of good - though one wouldn't go as far as to call him a hypocrite.
At the end of the day, a thoroughly good evening out. Great food at the end and despite what seems to be non-stop criticisms above, I really liked the presentation and the event on a whole. Naturally, good company helped as well.
Exercise and Keeping Fit
For almost 5 months now, I have been conscientiously sweating away at the gym to improve both my looks and the disaster that has been my fitness for the better part of the last five years.
I was almost fit for a while after the South American trip, the altitude and plenty of walking meant that I can back leaner, with a incredibly high oxygen absorption rate. But that was all a very temporary arrangement as my weight bounced back quickly and even with some initial attempts to maintain the fitness I was lost it after 4 months.
But this time round I feel that I really can it will be different - I have averaged around 5 days at the gym in most weeks and even when I went back to Cape Town and Hong Kongfor a short holidays I have managed to go jogging occasionally to make sure that my fitness doesn't slip away while I was on holiday.
My fitness is still far from being called good - but my numbers (according to the heart rate monitor and the treadmilss) has been steadily improving. I recently (last 3 weeks) seem to have reached a plateau and realised that I have reached the limited effects of only running at constant speed. Now I have returned to lifting some weights and doing short but strenuous runs at either high speeds or high inclines.
However this rather stable arrangement has a few challenges coming up on the horizon. Firstly I will be moving from my current location to another place that will not be as convenient as the place I'm staying right now and since I started working properly full time again it will be harder for me to find the quality time to exercise.
With luck this will be a challenge to rise to and with perseverance (and compulsive obsession) I will continue.
I was almost fit for a while after the South American trip, the altitude and plenty of walking meant that I can back leaner, with a incredibly high oxygen absorption rate. But that was all a very temporary arrangement as my weight bounced back quickly and even with some initial attempts to maintain the fitness I was lost it after 4 months.
But this time round I feel that I really can it will be different - I have averaged around 5 days at the gym in most weeks and even when I went back to Cape Town and Hong Kongfor a short holidays I have managed to go jogging occasionally to make sure that my fitness doesn't slip away while I was on holiday.
My fitness is still far from being called good - but my numbers (according to the heart rate monitor and the treadmilss) has been steadily improving. I recently (last 3 weeks) seem to have reached a plateau and realised that I have reached the limited effects of only running at constant speed. Now I have returned to lifting some weights and doing short but strenuous runs at either high speeds or high inclines.
However this rather stable arrangement has a few challenges coming up on the horizon. Firstly I will be moving from my current location to another place that will not be as convenient as the place I'm staying right now and since I started working properly full time again it will be harder for me to find the quality time to exercise.
With luck this will be a challenge to rise to and with perseverance (and compulsive obsession) I will continue.
Tanzania - Afterthoughts
Tanzania was a wonderful country in many regards, it's politically stable and has fast growth economy that seems to have shrugged off the global financial crisis without much trouble. Crime rate is reasonably low and probably better than Cape Town. The cost of living there is fairly high, but I feel that it's not much higher than living in a South African urban area. It's pretty place and wonderful beaches, Chinese food there is really good and access to decent seafood once in a while is awesome!
As the reader might have guessed: BUT! Dar es Salaam is the nations de facto capital and economic center and even there you're as likely to get power at a given time than not. The temperature is really hot all year round with average humility at around 80% - something that I don't do well with. Rent there is crazy expensive for a semi-decent apartment and you have to settle your rent on an annual basis!
No, on balance of things (including many things for and against that I have not mentioned above) I would not choose to live in that particular country.
The place reminds of my hometown, with super shoddily erected buildings and use of inferior materials that would be illegal in many developed countries. Government officials seems to be as corrupt as the bunch in Punning, but then again since it's an African country it's probably one of the least corrupt nations around. As someone intending to invest in the country and someone trained in "Western" economic theories I'm constantly astounded by the lack of a benchmark to price anything here. Land is in huge demand due to the huge shortage in housing - yet there are plenty of empty land around and nothing is happening! Everyone has raised the price of property the the extent that buying a plot and developing it is still a HUGE risk even with the huge demand for apartments.
We can see the effects of colonialism everywhere in the city and people here seem to be hold Chinese people in a much higher esteem than other places I've been to. The people here seem genuinely keen to improve themselves, a sense of pride, self-reliance and self-improvement that is absent from the general population here in SA. I suspect (having not looked up the Geni coefficient for Tanzania) that inequality is incredibly high in this African nation - though not as high as SA.
No, this place is definitely heads and shoulder above the rest of its neighbours but one can't help but wonder how much longer will this growth continue without some fundamental shifts in policy.
As the reader might have guessed: BUT! Dar es Salaam is the nations de facto capital and economic center and even there you're as likely to get power at a given time than not. The temperature is really hot all year round with average humility at around 80% - something that I don't do well with. Rent there is crazy expensive for a semi-decent apartment and you have to settle your rent on an annual basis!
No, on balance of things (including many things for and against that I have not mentioned above) I would not choose to live in that particular country.
The place reminds of my hometown, with super shoddily erected buildings and use of inferior materials that would be illegal in many developed countries. Government officials seems to be as corrupt as the bunch in Punning, but then again since it's an African country it's probably one of the least corrupt nations around. As someone intending to invest in the country and someone trained in "Western" economic theories I'm constantly astounded by the lack of a benchmark to price anything here. Land is in huge demand due to the huge shortage in housing - yet there are plenty of empty land around and nothing is happening! Everyone has raised the price of property the the extent that buying a plot and developing it is still a HUGE risk even with the huge demand for apartments.
We can see the effects of colonialism everywhere in the city and people here seem to be hold Chinese people in a much higher esteem than other places I've been to. The people here seem genuinely keen to improve themselves, a sense of pride, self-reliance and self-improvement that is absent from the general population here in SA. I suspect (having not looked up the Geni coefficient for Tanzania) that inequality is incredibly high in this African nation - though not as high as SA.
No, this place is definitely heads and shoulder above the rest of its neighbours but one can't help but wonder how much longer will this growth continue without some fundamental shifts in policy.
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