Open Letter of Apology to My Lecturers and Professors

Dear Sir/Madam

Since leaving university I have been out in the real world earning (mostly) a real living and doing (dare I say) real things.

Now let’s get the most obvious out of the way - without the education and the brand name of the university behind in my CV and resume I doubt I would be here where I'm today. While university education doesn't guarantee you a job it does get you an interview (I would know I have been interviewed for at least 40+ jobs since leaving).

No, what I want to thank you all is the amount of time that you have had me writing Bullshit (hereafter referred to as BS for my more sensitive readers).

You see, while at university doing what my engineering and science faculty counterparts call BS (aka Business Science) I was definitely engaging in activity what I was willing to concede as BS about 80% of time. Now take statistics for example, while it is rooted in robust science and firm academic foundations it is hard to understand how most things (if anything) ever really fits into the so called "normal" distribution. I went through all my years of university using OLS (ordinary least square) regression for just about EVERYTHING I do. The assumptions attached these models are somewhat dodgie and to the uninitiated might seem rather like hardcore science I found the expectation that NO VIOLATION of these rather tedious assumptions to be rather far-fetched. In short, while I fully believe that if we’re able to properly satisfy all the assumptions built into these models would definitely have powerful explanatory powers; the chances of me ever running into such a perfect example has the same chance of me winning the lottery (incidentally around 12 million to 1)

So basically I was never truly convinced by just how robust these models of realities are, but regardless like a good boy I soldiered on, learning everything my lecturers have to teach me and defend these very concepts that I take with a (HUGE) pinch of salt. Effectively I was brainwashing myself to: stretch the truth, ignore limitations, and sometimes just blatantly lie out of my hole but do it with true conviction; even while I (not so) secretly mock and ridicule these methodologies. Of course while I mock the methodologies I also openly mock my lecturers and professors for shoveling this BS down my throat. But I persevered, thinking that one day when I reach the "real" world I would be free from it.

I was so wrong.

Academics was only secondary compared to what my true education was about. A lesson in writing the most magnificent lies and half truths that my clients, executives and "leaders" can appreciate; not their accuracy but rather how magnificently I have turned BS into a work of art. Really none of these people who read my reports and presentations are stupid; instead they merely enjoy the inverse correlation between my conviction and reality of my words.

So here, I sincerely thank you all - my teachers and mentors for these wonderful skills that you have bestowed upon me and just how grateful I have been for your dedication to making sure that your charges obtain the best possible education that you can give and how I have reaped the rewards of your actions.

Tale of Two Woman

Now as a short introduction: I almost exclusively had male, Caucasian friends.

If one was to look at my social circle from when I was living in Cape Town my group was the proverbial "sausage fest", yet if you look at my social circle up here in Johannesburg it's overwhelmingly: Chinese and female.

Now I can't really understand why that is the case, why the sudden change. But overall I'm not too concerned with it. For the most part I enjoy their company even though sometimes I long for some arrogant male chauvinist fun.

Now to the topic at hand, lately I have been shocked by two woman's sudden decision to drop everything and go back to Cape Town to reconcile with the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Their decision comes as a huge shock to me both because of their suddenness and seemingly as a truly terrible idea.

Now as a good friend to both of these two girls and take both their well being as the paramount importance - my reaction to their almost identical decisions was rather drastically different. Both educated, Chinese, raised in South Africa, incredibly pretty and with warm personalities that attract vast majority of the male population, but at the same time couldn't have been more different.

The first girl is a strong character, generally well thought of by everyone she meets (male or female). Sometime it seems to me that she does rash things that defies logic - but what never seizes to surprise me is her ability to make the best of her decision. She calls herself easily pleased but for me she is personification of true inner strength.

The second is a rather timid girl whose vulnerability inspires men to help her, nurture her and protect her. On the other hand the same quality makes her very unpopular with other girls; especially pretty ones. Her lack of mental strength, and competence in the work place makes me more than worried. Unlike the first girl who can make the biggest mistake and still make the best of the it - to me she doesn't appear to understand the implication and consequences of her actions. Neither does she have the inner strength to support herself through the hard times.

When the first girl told me about her sudden decision I was able to rattle out the usual cliches: do what your heart tells you, I will always support your decision, you never know unless you try. For some reason I even meant it.

The second one I eventually rattled through some of the meanest and harshest things to say about her and her boyfriend. I guess maybe it's because of trust: I don't trust her to make the right decisions. What's hurts more is probably because I care for her, a lot. Even worse, I don't believe she understands what she is doing. Eventually days after the initial outburst I spewed the same cliches that I told the first girl - but for fucks sakes I don't in my 'heart of hearts' mean it at all.

I realised that I have neither the right or ability to convince her to reconsider her decision. All I can hope now is that I haven't burnt the bridge so badly that she won't even as ask for my help when she needs it. My worst nightmare is now that I have irrevocably dented her trust in me that I'm now just an irritation to her.

I guess that's why I'm so bloody miserable lately: I want to help so badly but it seems like the more I care the more damage I do - to her and myself. I breaks my heart to think that despite coming from the best of intentions and with her best interest at heart all I have achieved is to lose a friend?

Or is this my punishment? For being so arrogant as to believe that I know what's best for someone else? Is this the hell that I found myself walking towards on the pavement that has been completely paved with good intentions?

Screw this, I intend to get horrendously drunk.

UPDATE 1: I got TOTALLY trashed last night and broke my personal record for the most tequila downed in less than 30min. My head hurts...

One Year Anniversary

Tomorrow would mark my one year here at my company. "Most probably" it will also be the day that they officially announce my promotion to my ex-boss's job.

Most people would be rather excited, I seem to remember saying that I want his job within a year and of sorts I already had his job and his pay for the most of the last 5 months.

So you will excuse me if my excitement is rather limited and sober. I've already taken a bigger bite than I can chew with this job and frankly it's not fun. Something tells me that I'm in need of a change in environment - new challenges and most importantly - BETTER PAY. Despite being called the most valuable "local employee" here in the department I'm also currently the lowest paid one.

So they better start doing something!!!

Heroes Fall

I have always been more than a little prone to hero worship, whether it was my more than a little strange infatuation with the rise and life of Arnold Schwarzenegger (don't ask) to a senior in my high school and lastly to one of my fathers business partners.

Now I spent a lot of time psycho analysing myself and trying to figure out what makes me tick and I concluded that my propensity for hero worship is due to growing up as the youngest member in a big household that is all female; my father is almost never home during my late child-hood. Therefore I probably tried to over-compensate by prominently displaying my masculine attributes and form attachments to figures whom I found "manly."

My first father figure/male role-model in retrospect was a hugely positive influence on my life; he inspired me in so many ways and I idolised my every perception of him. I met him in high school where we were in the same boarding house. I joined debating, fencing, and computer science almost solely due to his influence and these activities each in their own way helped to define me as a person. He was and still is the personification of raw talent; and I found myself lacking in trying to emulate his achievements. However, as with all heroes (in literature and in reality) they fall. While he was blessed with talent that is second to none, he also lacked that ability to concentrate on any particular discipline for long. The last thing that he taught me that talent by itself is not enough and that success depends on equal amounts of talent, hard work, and luck. But he inspired me to reach out and try to better myself. The bar that he set for me was almost impossible for me to achieve but in the vain attempts I become a much better person because of it.

The second is one of my fathers business partners. For a short while he was a father figure to me. Guided me in ways that my own failed to communicate, taught me a lesson that I have been applying with a certain amount of success:

"It's not what you are, it's what people think that you are."

His fall (as my hero and mentor) is also defined by that statement, because I realised that is all he is: show. Lacking in any real substance, lots of talk but little action. Plenty of good ideas but a complete lack of ability to execute. I was devastated when one of his former employees described him as "eating soft-rice" a euphemism for someone who lives off his wife. I was offended by that notion and tried to defend him - but unable to. My perception of the man shattered, but I felt that at least he was a good moral guidance - showing me the way forward in trying to reconcile my Chinese heritage and Western Education. That too was shattered after a small misunderstanding over the amount of R800. Considering that my fathers dealings with him run into the tens of million, for him to show me so much spite and malice over such a insignificant amount furthered destroyed my opinion of him. Over time I lost whatever respect I had for him when he started calling me incompetent behind my back and blamed me for the failures that him the managing partner was responsible for.

Today, I not only have no respect for him I actively loath him as a person. I write this not because rage nor sadness, but rather as another interesting view on my own emotional development and ponder on how someone can fall from such heights.

Road Trips

Originally Published 9th August 2007

I enjoy running. Or at least, at one stage in my life despite being one of the worst long distance runners I know, I have somehow always enjoyed it. At first the pain seem unbearable, but after a while time seem to loose it meaning, your legs numb and seem to continue moving by itself. The mental state that is sometimes addictive and I personally contribute as the single biggest reason I loved running.

Long distance drives has a similar effect on me, but in different ways. My perception of the horizon slowly changes and colours seem to take on a different meaning. The feeling is almost spiritual, as if the Heaven's Lights shone just on me for that instant.

I was driving in a mountainous terrain just before dawn, had been driving for almost eight hours non-stop through the night, I was exhausted but at the same time uplifted. Every cold morning breath I breathed in revived me as much as watching the sun dawning through the thick fog. Beams of light broke through the fog and right in front of my eyes the mountain range around me reveals itself. For the crescendo I watched the sun rise above the mountains, a hundred times larger than I remembered it to be. It's rays filtered by the fog was gentle and I looked upon this object of a thousand shades of white, yellow, orange and red. This scene was beautiful beyond words and I felt the urge to stop and worship this perfectly explainable phenomenon

Mindless driving seems to calm me down. Something inside of me settles down. It calms the restlessness in me and I look within myself during that time. Someday, I feel as if I should just drive the old Merc down one road and just carry on driving. Forgetting about possible aspirations and ambitions, at the same time forget about problems and anxieties.

她從來都沒有愛過我

我記得幾個月前我看到張小嫻在面書（Facebook)上寫過這一句：

”世界上最遙遠的距離. 不是生與死. 而是我就站在你面前. 你卻不知道我愛你“

這句話我覺得形容我剛剛追安娜的時候的感覺，讀了這一句話我又開始心酸了。

但是其實我是在自欺欺人，因為我知道她不傻。至少沒有我一開始想像中是那麼天真。她很清楚的了解我對她的意思，她把我玩於指掌；但是我也是心甘情願。

那天當我第一次親她之後的那一瞬間，我悟覺到了一個現實：“她永遠都不會愛我的”

但我並不介意，在那一刻我意識到了我未來的痛苦同時了解到了另一個事實：“我是真的愛上了她”

當時的我只希望每一份每一刻都在她的身旁，繼續擁抱著我的美夢繼續這一份我明知不可能的追求。

我可能只是她平衡心理的一個犧牲品,但我自己何嘗沒有做過類似的事？

可能她當時也試過愛我，也想愛我。

我也估計她說會我是神經病；說我們根本就沒有開始過，也許她是對的。但這不改變我曾經把心和靈魂雙手供奉，並不改變我是真的受傷了。

現實是經過所有一切： ”她從來都沒有愛過我“

English Translation:

I remembered that few months ago the novelist Zhang Xiao Xing wrote on facebook: "The greatest distance is not the distance between life and death, rather that I'm standing right in front of you and you don't know that I loved you"

When I first read that line, my heart-ached a while thinking how that was I felt when I first started chasing Anna.

But that is a lie, she isn't stupid. At least she isn't that naive, she knew my feelings and played me on the palm of her hands.

I was then reminded the moment of our first kiss, how in a moment of sudden brilliant clarity I knew: "She will never love me."

I also recalled how at that point that I don't mind and came to the conclusion that: "I have truly fallen in love with this woman"

That time I just wanted to spend every moment with her, chasing a dream that I knew will never be; because I was happy.

I was just a sacrifice at the alter of her broken heart, who am I to judge? Have I not done the same?

Maybe she did try to love me at one stage， wanted to love me.

She will most probably call me delusional, that we never even started and maybe she is right. But that doesn't change the fact that I present my heart and soul to her and the reality of the pain.

After everything, the simple truth was that "She never loved me"

Update on Fitness

Since November 2009, I have been engaged on a full fitness program that involves me running on a treadmill, a lot.

Now almost 14 months later these are basically the results:

* Body Fat index has dropped from around 35% to 21%
* Lost over 11.5kg (Started at 98kg and now a 86.5)
* Cholesterol has dropped by almost 0.3 points
* Blood Pressure is mostly in the "perfect zone" of 120/60
* VO2 Max (according to my heart rate monitor) has gone from 31 to 52.
* Went from a size 38 pant size to now a perfect 34.

The more subjective indicators has shown that I have drastically improved my muscle definition, particularly on my legs, but I'm excited to see that I can see clear definitions on my arms, shoulders as well as abdominal areas - though they tend to be rather limited at this stage. The man-boobs that has caused much self-conscious has been drastically reduced but still a point of embarrassment for me.

I started in November 2009 setting myself the very lofty goal of weighing less than 83kg - the weight category that I fought my first Judo National Championships in. Though I weighed closer to 79kg then, I wanted to return to that category.

That goals seems so ideal at the time, now I'm going to have to redefine that goal in a combination of indicators and not only pant size and weight alone. I have gained tremendous amounts of muscle mass in my legs, and while my waistline will most probably continue to shrink using that as an indicator might be counter-productive.

When I first started, I only cared about spending A LOT of time on the treadmill doing cardio, I forgone any form of cross training and thinking back now it was a huge mistake. I started off well with stretching but lately I have been lax in that department and is not as flexible as I was 6 month ago. Diet wise I feel that I've achieve the right balance...except for the alcohol consumption in recent months, but I suspect with my own emotional turmoil settling down so should that... I think.

Now I try cross train and rotate between: Boxing, Running, Weights, Swimming. I take the occasional protein shake meal replacement for supper when I'm not able to cook properly. Focus on more efficient training will be a priority as my time has become more demanding since I started.

Without all that being said here are the objectives for the next 6 months in no particular order:

* Weight Reduction by 5kg
* Body Fat Index by another 7%
* Reduce the waistline by another size
* Improve flexibility

These are rather ambitious goals, but attainable within that kind of time frame. My vanity also wishes that by this time in June, I would be able to get rid of my man-boobs once and for all.