I Have Grown Complacent and Arrogant

It's been a long time since I've lost written a post on here and before I got to the topic at hand let me just say that work has been stressful, fast paced, fickle like a cat and just generally speaking a complete disaster. In other words I'm absolutely loving it.

I have always flourished in situations where chaos and uncertainty rule. I'm guessing it has something to do with my aggressive and authoritarian attitude coupled with a strong personality that can capture and swing people's opinions - at least according to the JP Morgan interview feedback. "...strong personality that can lead and influence the entire group."

Now the issue at hand - due to the above quality I have been able to stand up and be counted when things go from bad to worse and for the last 2 years I have managed to continually impress my superiors in handling terrible situations by remaining relatively calm and just go back to the fundamentals - the small and basic things.

But now I'm starting to be in a completely different ball game now, I'm starting to get a view of the top and now more than ever I should go back to make sure that the basic foundations are built properly and from there I need to expand my repertoire, and sharpen my skills.

But instead I have grown increasing arrogant and ignoring all the warning signs. I have grown complacent without looking to further innovate the product that I have been calling DX.

The DX brand name is currently strong and like any other strong brand it needs to continue to deliver strong results as well as innovate - and it is in this that I've failed.

Yet Another Fitness Update

So after my previous proclamation of the goals that I've set myself this is the latest update on how I've fared:



The first few months after the last update went well, but then I started having a good social life (read VERY good) and went from one drunken stupor to another in quick succession. While I maintained my training schedule the crazy amounts of alcohol and rich food didn't help - in fact I was lucky to have gotten away so lightly.


But the last month I have been at it full throttle - body weight is actually higher right now than before, right now I'm weighing in at around 87kg's. I've decided that trying to reduce my body weight is rather futile - It has been constant at around 87kg's for the last 3 months and I'm actually very pleased because I have packed on HUGE amounts of muscle mass.

Cholesterol and bloody pressure tests has shown improvements with cholesterol dropping from 4.9 to 4.5 currently - huge success considering that I was sitting at 5.9 2 years ago and was told by the doctor that I might want to start exercising again.

Training has now shifted towards far more weights than cardio due to a few reasons - weights is a much better method of reducing body fat and with summer around the corner I want to be able to hit the beaches in broad shorts and feel good about myself.

In case there was any doubts - Yes I'm THAT VAIN.

Uncontrollabe Rage

Currently I'm feeling this strangely powerful urge to unleash my anger upon a certain someone, I felt like she has made my life into an unbearable misery in the last few weeks; but when I stop to think about it I can't seem to truly isolate a reason for me actually hating her. I mean there were instances where I felt (dare I use the word) violated by her dumb-witted betrayal. But then she isn't the first and I doubt she will be the last.
 
On the other hand she is a sweet thing, clueless bordering on innocent; selfish in ways that only a child could be. I trusted that innocence and lowered my defenses - big mistake. She once describes me as someone who will show weakness when I'm drunk and when I say drunk I meant totally and utterly smashed out of my bracket on scales that has only happened on a number of occasions and so when she revealed so much to others I felt a rage like I have never felt before. Some so trivial but at the same time offers so much insight into my very soul that I felt so naked, so vulnerable and so damn ashamed.

It has been two weeks since and the initial heat has subsided but I can barely see her without reigniting parts of that rage, my default position is then to look within my own psyche to find Freudian reasons for my uncontrollable and unending rage - immediately I tried the polar opposite: I might be madly in love with her without realising it and over time it has warped itself into another form - hate. The idea was quickly dismissed partially because I REALLY don't like that conclusion and partially it was so crazy that I think I'm over-thinking things...again. Am I such a cliche?

...and I want to

I'm fine alone if I have to...but I don't want to

"Will Never Ever Never Ever Be Lonely" - Zhang Xiao Xian

Nobody likes being along, whenever I was alone by myself I feel depressed, plagued by the thought that maybe I'm unwanted and alone because I have no other choice.

So in recent days I kept myself busy, occupied and permanently surrounded by people and I have grown accustomed to this sort of lifestyle. But, a combination of work and personal matters (all round) exhausted me and for the first time that I can safely recall - I hungered to be left alone to my own devices for a while. At first I worried that maybe this was a bad idea - loneliness can be overwhelming and perhaps it will do me more harm than good.

Much to my surprise it wasn't a problem, I was alone but I wasn't lonely. I chose to be alone and somehow it made it all better. Sure I over-think everything in life as it is evident here on this blog but after being on my own devices for a short while I stop thinking much about anything. I really do believe that maybe choosing to be alone was what made all the difference. I suspect that recently I've kept company that has done me more harm than good just purely to avoid being by myself.

I'm fine alone if I have to... and I want to. At least for now.

Just Friends

In the supremely unlikely event that there is a god, he is a capricious and cruel one, the week that I decided to fully focus on my career and long term life goals (aka making money) and just sit out of the battle of the sexes, that very weekend I found myself completely bowled over by someone and found myself back into the game...this time with competition.

Most people in the world don't like to lose, I take an extreme view that if I do take part in anything I play to win (except when there are ulterior motives). I particularly hate competitions where what I do can't influence the outcome. Which is why this stupid game of courtship and dating is so damn nerve wrecking for me. I can handle defeat, at least handle it better than most people believe. What I can't handle is being thrown in a situation where I'm helpless - where there was never anything that I could've done at all to influence the outcome. The short version of this paragraph is that I hated feeling helpless while I watch the object of my affection being wooed by someone else.

I have since decided to (on more than one occasion) take a step back, but each time I found myself strangely drawn to this game where the script has already been written: I'll end in tears. When I declared my intentions she gave me the standard template answer that I have grown so accustomed to hearing. "Can't we just be friends"?

The answer was a so simple and yet so complicated - No.

I have no intention of being yet another non-sexual male friend to yet another pretty girl that I more than fancy. Far worse is that if we remain friends I will have to watch the happiness that I was denied when she chose the other guy over me.

No, I won't be "just" your friend because just a friend is the ultimate raw deal.

"Break in Case of Emergency"

I have illusions in my mind that I'm irritating and difficult person to deal with, typically I mask insecurity with arrogance. I'm stubborn and hard headed and on occasions impossible to talk to. I have always known that and I have tried so hard to change myself - smooth out the rough edges. I can see that while I have come a long way - I still have miles to go and not for the first time I wonder if someone can really change.

But in my own defense I'm also the most reliable person around. When things go wrong, when you need someone to stand up and be counted I'm your man.

I'm the friend who everybody needs in case of emergencies. That's gotta count for something, right?

Regrets

One of the fun things that you get to do writing a blog like this is to do a bit self reflection by reading the more strongly worded ideas that one wrote in the past.

For the most part 90% of the sentiments made here still hold true and I will stand by them now with one possible addendum in case there are any confusions in my mind and anyone else who eventually reads this blog as a whole:

I have no regrets!

I have complained, cried, screamed, sulked and every other possible negative action during these two years in Johannesburg but it's alright. Compared to the smooth and relatively uneventful life in Cape Town I feel truly alive for the first time for as long as memories can take me back.

"Maybe, I'll get hurt, maybe I won't. But that doesn't concern me right now. I just want to be true to myself"

Every strong emotion that I have experienced is a testament that I'm alive - not only alive but truly living a worthwhile life. The last 2 years will shine like a bonfire that will overshadow everything till this point.

So future me, readers current and future. Judge, criticise and belittle for my hypocrisy, for my idiocy, and my weakness. I will live free, be true to me but I don't want to regret, will have no regrets. Let me burn twice as bright even if I burn for half as long.

I will have no regrets.