Decomposition of the AC Situation

Took a long stroll in my complex tonight while listening to 30 Seconds to Mars and was suddenly reminded of the conversation I had with WC about "what if's."

WC was staying over at my place over the long weekend (she stays over just about every weekend) and I can honestly say that of all my platonic relationships with woman she is by far the most platonic and so most of our conversations are rather open and frank, and I guess that was why she was so comfortable walking into my room proclaiming that "I just thought of something." My interest was piqued as this was probably the first time she ever walked into my room unannounced and started talking about a topic that has been for a long long time taboo - AC.

"If you and AC ever became a steady relationship, then you and me wouldn't be this close."
That was an understatement - I was pretty sure that both of us hated each other almost exactly 2 years ago this time during these long weekends of April and May. I was so certain that WC was trying her best to "cock block" my chances with AC since everyone else in the group knew of my intentions by that point in time. I was super excited to be able to spend personal time with the object of my affections and this girl whose single-minded goal to bring me down was there with us the entire time and I trying to figure out what did I do or say to upset this girl (later I found that that she really didn't like my arrogance and felt the need to bring me down to earth; who was also the only person in the group who didn't know of my feelings for AC).

Regardless WC opened an interesting thought in my head - if I really was going steady with AC now...how different would my life be? I wouldn't be close friends with WC that's for sure - we will be friends but I wouldn't see her as a close personal friend. Nor would I have convinced PL to become my flatmate for a year. I would've brought this apartment and she might have moved in with me. How much things would've changed.

I was also strangely aware of what haven't changed since then. Walking past a Hundai Getz with a CA license plate number tonight still causes  my heart to skip a beat. Not the same nauseating feeling that toppled me over when I saw her car outside a Chinese restaurant a year ago but still surprised with myself - but I guess with time I will also get out of that habit.

As I walked and the music taking me to a place deep within my head I once again allows myself to think of  the many "what if's". If I had met her before she met V and before she had her heart broken by a younger man. If I had brought this apartment and a steady job like I do now when I met her. If I had the same experience in emotions and relationships as I do now ( and I have had many since then) would things have turned out differently?

After all the drama that is befitting a soap opera with KC recently I was so surprised at how quickly I bounced back. How just within a week of "the talk" and me telling her that I no longer see the need to see her again I have completely recovered. I'm both a little ashamed and proud to say that KC means almost nothing to me already.

I guess what I just wanted to say is simply a confirmation of what I already guessed - short of marriage and children no other relationship can ever hurt me again. This gives me hope for the future, since ironically it's this new found sense of emotional detachment that has convinced me that life can continue again...

Yes, Sex Does Screw Up a Friendship

I think the title is self-explanatory and requires little or no elaboration with the exception to emphasis that long ago when our paths first crossed I have already made it clear that I have little or no intention of just being your friend and that the question itself was insulting. I stated on this very blog that being friends with you is the ultimate raw deal. But even with that being said I ended being "just friends" with you for considerable amount of time - it was fun it really was and strangely I managed to forget that we did have our "moments."

Those two weeks in January were happy memories despite the enormous amount of guilt I felt since we were both spoken for by someone else. Despite that - we shared a few evenings in each others embrace and one of such intensity that I have yet to experience. 

The most heart breaking thing since then isn't that you changed your mind, you want to perhaps make up with your boyfriend or perhaps you decided the two weeks we spent together was just a moment of weakness on both our sides. What pisses me off is that you tried to pretend without remorse or seemingly any guilt that nothing happened between us.

View from The Other Side

NL recently told me that a suitor six years her junior is busy pursuing her. The very first thought that ran through my head was that: "WOW, six years is a HUGE gap." Then I thought to myself - well I did chase someone 4 years my senior so is it THAT different? (yeah ok, 50% difference but still!)

Listening to NL and reading some of the various emails/sms/chats between her and the guy and I was infinitely entertained and at the same time sheepishly humiliated by them. I constantly thought to myself - "was I that different?"

The conclusion was simply - no.

If anything what made this episode interesting and irritating at the same time is because the similarities are uncanny. difference unfortunately for me was that AC kept me around for longer than it was necessary.

We were so similar him and I - yet from this stand point I advised my friend to let the poor boy go...well actually destroy his spirit; because while nothing is certain in life the virtually certain outcome of this unfortunate liaison will only end in tears - and not necessarily his alone.

Each time I pointed out faults in the poor boys struggles it felt horribly familiar - because these words were once whispered to me during the tenderest of memories. Each time I thought of him as naive and immature I was actually criticising old myself - because we were so similar.

At the end of the day, I realised just how far I have traveled since, how much further I got to travel.

But far more troubling is the thought that I'm starting to come to terms with the thought that maybe I be walking this road alone.

Life Continues...

So the last few months has been rather eventful - brought my own apartment financed through family donations and finances that means I don't have to pay interest on it...and repayable in less than 7 years... I intend to do it sooner than that. 5 would be my ultimate goal, time to learn to live like a monk again, I did it when I first came to Joburg and I might have to relearn it. Buying the apartment and taking the loan means that I can't just quit my job and leave whenever I feel like it... I now have responsibilities that tie me down... and I think that is why I'm feeling a little more depressed than excited about the purchase. Damn my stubborn pride for wanting to own something that expensive, and big from my own blood and sweat.

PL has returned to Cape Town, I wish her the best of luck and really miss her a lot. Hard to believe that we shared the same apartment for over a year now. I will miss her...no matter how angry I might have been with her for the longest time. I hope it all works out for her.

I have signed up for the San Francisco Marathon in July - this will be the biggest commitment that I've done in a long long time.

Life is continuing - I have looked back the last few years as the best days of my life and I hope to continue doing so.

I Have Grown Complacent and Arrogant

It's been a long time since I've lost written a post on here and before I got to the topic at hand let me just say that work has been stressful, fast paced, fickle like a cat and just generally speaking a complete disaster. In other words I'm absolutely loving it.

I have always flourished in situations where chaos and uncertainty rule. I'm guessing it has something to do with my aggressive and authoritarian attitude coupled with a strong personality that can capture and swing people's opinions - at least according to the JP Morgan interview feedback. "...strong personality that can lead and influence the entire group."

Now the issue at hand - due to the above quality I have been able to stand up and be counted when things go from bad to worse and for the last 2 years I have managed to continually impress my superiors in handling terrible situations by remaining relatively calm and just go back to the fundamentals - the small and basic things.

But now I'm starting to be in a completely different ball game now, I'm starting to get a view of the top and now more than ever I should go back to make sure that the basic foundations are built properly and from there I need to expand my repertoire, and sharpen my skills.

But instead I have grown increasing arrogant and ignoring all the warning signs. I have grown complacent without looking to further innovate the product that I have been calling DX.

The DX brand name is currently strong and like any other strong brand it needs to continue to deliver strong results as well as innovate - and it is in this that I've failed.

Yet Another Fitness Update

So after my previous proclamation of the goals that I've set myself this is the latest update on how I've fared:



The first few months after the last update went well, but then I started having a good social life (read VERY good) and went from one drunken stupor to another in quick succession. While I maintained my training schedule the crazy amounts of alcohol and rich food didn't help - in fact I was lucky to have gotten away so lightly.


But the last month I have been at it full throttle - body weight is actually higher right now than before, right now I'm weighing in at around 87kg's. I've decided that trying to reduce my body weight is rather futile - It has been constant at around 87kg's for the last 3 months and I'm actually very pleased because I have packed on HUGE amounts of muscle mass.

Cholesterol and bloody pressure tests has shown improvements with cholesterol dropping from 4.9 to 4.5 currently - huge success considering that I was sitting at 5.9 2 years ago and was told by the doctor that I might want to start exercising again.

Training has now shifted towards far more weights than cardio due to a few reasons - weights is a much better method of reducing body fat and with summer around the corner I want to be able to hit the beaches in broad shorts and feel good about myself.

In case there was any doubts - Yes I'm THAT VAIN.

Uncontrollabe Rage

Currently I'm feeling this strangely powerful urge to unleash my anger upon a certain someone, I felt like she has made my life into an unbearable misery in the last few weeks; but when I stop to think about it I can't seem to truly isolate a reason for me actually hating her. I mean there were instances where I felt (dare I use the word) violated by her dumb-witted betrayal. But then she isn't the first and I doubt she will be the last.
 
On the other hand she is a sweet thing, clueless bordering on innocent; selfish in ways that only a child could be. I trusted that innocence and lowered my defenses - big mistake. She once describes me as someone who will show weakness when I'm drunk and when I say drunk I meant totally and utterly smashed out of my bracket on scales that has only happened on a number of occasions and so when she revealed so much to others I felt a rage like I have never felt before. Some so trivial but at the same time offers so much insight into my very soul that I felt so naked, so vulnerable and so damn ashamed.

It has been two weeks since and the initial heat has subsided but I can barely see her without reigniting parts of that rage, my default position is then to look within my own psyche to find Freudian reasons for my uncontrollable and unending rage - immediately I tried the polar opposite: I might be madly in love with her without realising it and over time it has warped itself into another form - hate. The idea was quickly dismissed partially because I REALLY don't like that conclusion and partially it was so crazy that I think I'm over-thinking things...again. Am I such a cliche?