Alcohol is not a good escape for me.
I've drank more in the last month than the previous 12 months combined. I do this because I hope to escape my own thoughts, and regret.
But despite the best efforts of myself and a few close friends. Here I'm after sampling the entire shooters menu at Newscafe, clear headed enough to write this blog without trouble. One would actually wonder that I might write better completely shit faced drunk. Yet, alcohol doesn't help me to achieve my end goals. Which is unfortunately because it was my last resort.
Even now, after trying everything that I can think off, I can find no solace, no iota of comfort and above all else no escape of my pain. I have tried to keep myself busy, I have tried to numb the pain through the brain numbing act of finishing the entire series of Star Trek: Voyager and most of Enterprise. I thought about just getting on a plane and fly away, I desperately want to run away but where would I go? I have tried everything in my repertoire of pain management and I find no escape from it. I'm not only a prisoner of my own mind. I'm a prisoner without any hope of escape.
What's next? I have no idea, but scarily I contemplated suicide on more than one occasion - the balcony is only 3 stories high and death isn't guaranteed. My life insurance is over 24 months and even if I should throw myself from the building it would still pay out.
Morbid thoughts cloud my thoughts but honestly, I'm too much of a coward - I finally realised that it takes certain amount of conviction, the right amount of bravery to end ones own life and I'm definitely not the type to do so. I often stated that I'm a homicidal not suicidal....but that position is being thrown into doubt.
I just hugged the toilet for better part of 45min and emptied my stomach, I will be sober enough to think this post a bad idea. Yet, despite this, the idea of never ending slumber is appealing and not for the first time I wish for a traffic incident to end it.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Ask No Questions and I Will Tell No Lies
Lately one of the most frustrating things are people constantly asking if I'm "OK" - the answer for a while has been an unconditioned: NO. What surprises and irritates me is the surprise they show when I tell them so.
A master at masking my own emotions - even when I don't want to, my closes friends tell me that to them I'm like an open book; not by my expressions or body language...but by my actions. I can't comment on that one but it seems like they pretty good at figuring me out so I'll take their word for it. So it basically means that for them to ask me if I'm "OK" it generally means that they have figured out that something is wrong and that I'm not all there.
Why the surprise? You didn't expect me to answer you honestly? You expect me to obey some kind of obscure social norm that I can never figure out? Were you just asking out of courtesy?
I'm not OK, I'm bleeding inside. I hate myself like nothing before. Regret eats away at what remains of my shattered heart and I find myself surprised that there is still something there to be eaten away.
Don't ask - I don't want your pity. Nor do I want your condescending remarks and advice. I blame myself enough already so I don't need you to remind me that I fucked up. I will continue to cry myself to sleep in the dark, when emotions overwhelm me during the day, I will find a place to hide until it passes. I will continue to find comfort at the bottom of bottle or in the arms of a stranger and pretend that she is once again in my arms.
I will do all these things secretly so that you don't have to see it and we can all pretend that nothing happened, but I won't lie. If you ask - I will tell you all about the tears while returning from work today and at the same time dream of a traffic incident ending my misery. How these words were written with stubborn tears in the corner of my eyes, drinking what should be one of the finest Single Malt in my possession.
I will tell you all these things - honestly and without reserve...should you ask.
Otherwise, I will live my life the way I remembered before I met her. I will follow the same routine, I will endeavour to continue going to work, gym, and socialize without skipping a beat. All this in hope that some form of normalcy will return to my life, my mind and my heart.
You will find me to be as pleasant company as always (which I understand it to be rather horrible company even in the best of days). But make no mistake - each day only brings new reason for me to hate myself and I find myself driven...toward a destination that is still too dark for me to see.
A master at masking my own emotions - even when I don't want to, my closes friends tell me that to them I'm like an open book; not by my expressions or body language...but by my actions. I can't comment on that one but it seems like they pretty good at figuring me out so I'll take their word for it. So it basically means that for them to ask me if I'm "OK" it generally means that they have figured out that something is wrong and that I'm not all there.
Why the surprise? You didn't expect me to answer you honestly? You expect me to obey some kind of obscure social norm that I can never figure out? Were you just asking out of courtesy?
I'm not OK, I'm bleeding inside. I hate myself like nothing before. Regret eats away at what remains of my shattered heart and I find myself surprised that there is still something there to be eaten away.
Don't ask - I don't want your pity. Nor do I want your condescending remarks and advice. I blame myself enough already so I don't need you to remind me that I fucked up. I will continue to cry myself to sleep in the dark, when emotions overwhelm me during the day, I will find a place to hide until it passes. I will continue to find comfort at the bottom of bottle or in the arms of a stranger and pretend that she is once again in my arms.
I will do all these things secretly so that you don't have to see it and we can all pretend that nothing happened, but I won't lie. If you ask - I will tell you all about the tears while returning from work today and at the same time dream of a traffic incident ending my misery. How these words were written with stubborn tears in the corner of my eyes, drinking what should be one of the finest Single Malt in my possession.
I will tell you all these things - honestly and without reserve...should you ask.
Otherwise, I will live my life the way I remembered before I met her. I will follow the same routine, I will endeavour to continue going to work, gym, and socialize without skipping a beat. All this in hope that some form of normalcy will return to my life, my mind and my heart.
You will find me to be as pleasant company as always (which I understand it to be rather horrible company even in the best of days). But make no mistake - each day only brings new reason for me to hate myself and I find myself driven...toward a destination that is still too dark for me to see.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Regret
"I think love you"
Those words paralysed me, I screamed in my head that I wasn't ready, that this has taken me completely by surprise...yet there was no way to avert my gaze from the eyes of someone looking into my soul, but only silence answered her confession. The shock of someone telling me that she loves me.
“So who is she?"
Fast forward weeks later and a simple question asked by an inquisitive friend and I found myself brimming with excitement to answer that question. I told her how we met, how the relationship developed and the things we did together. The more I spoke the more excited I was and I felt something akin to happiness. I was ready, ready to finally return those words. I couldn't contain myself and left her a voice message on Whatsapp.
"Maybe you think that I'm drunk and doubt my words, to which I admit, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love you."
There! I said it, for the first time ever. I was so excited as I drifted into sleep...happy that I can finally return her feelings. But the response was so wrong, so subdued and I felt really disappointed. But then again, I've no doubt that she felt worse when she said it the first time round. It's not important, right?
"JH asked me out, and I see no reason to turn him down...he at least makes me laugh"
Those words came so unexpectedly two days later, yet the full impact of it didn't hit me until much later. I always knew that super long distance relationship was difficult to sustain; that I somehow always knew this was coming and I thought she was right. The first night of insomnia was completely expected - we shared so much happy memories and it was sudden. Second night came and depression set in and still no sleep in sight. By the third night I completely broke down and I found myself weeping from the depths of my soul. The more I cried the more I realised what she meant to me, I regret keeping her at arms length because how scared I was of letting her close. There was no escape from the prisons of my own mind.
"Please give me another chance
Those words were finally uttered on the fourth day, I begged for her to give me another chance. I would do anything. Nothing else mattered anymore, I brought the tickets back to Hong Kong and then to Taiwan. I asked another friend to help process my Taiwanese VISA...all was ready.
"I never thought that I mattered during our time together. I always thought that I was the only one who was interested in making this work."
Those words cut into my like a knife and I realised that she was right - I have been trying so hard to not get emotionally attached because I knew this was going to be hard and potentially temporary. I kept my distance on many occasions on purpose because I thought that as long as I do this...I won't be hurt. The last email she sent to me killed me inside, about just how happy she has been with J... and her suspicion about the sudden and utter change of heart after she decided to end things. Despair unlike any thing I have ever experienced dawned on me. I no longer have the courage to face her in person.
"Happy Chinese New Year!"
China, Chinese New Year Eve. After all the excitement I completely forgotten that it's Chinese New Year and since I brought the ticket...why shouldn't I go to celebrate Chinese New Year in China amongst family? I got there and it was pretty evident to my sisters that something was wrong with me. They also had reports from SX that I have been acting very strangely lately. After drinking myself into yet another stupor I passed out and awake again 2 hours later, even after close to 3 weeks I'm still in a constant state of insomnia...I couldn't remember the last time I managed to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. I needed to talk to someone.
"If you don't go, you will regret it for the rest of your life"
My sisters convinced me that I need to go, go see her and ask for her back; failing that, get the kind of closure something like this deserves. She also called me a thousand kind of idiot, how it was so obvious she given me so many chances...so many hints in hopes that I would promise her something, promise her that she was important to me.
So that brought me to Taiwan on 14th February 2013 - Valentines Day. Ironic yes, I also completely forgotten that it was Valentines day until someone mentioned it on the day- I have always called Valentines Day to the one of the most painful days of my life...since I managed to stay single for every single of one of them...2013 is the crowning moment in pain and suffering.
Just before I got onto the plane in Hong Kong airport I sent her a message - that I will be there for 2 days, that I just want to talk, and that she will be willing to see me; of course the choice is up to her. The next day, I sat in a German restaurant that the two of us dined at not more than 2 months ago...but incredible how much has changed since.
It ended pretty much how I expected, in 40minutes I said all that I wanted to say. For the most part she just looked at me, pity in her eyes. After I finished I asked whether she will leave first, leave me with the last shred of dignity that is left in this situation and go before I finally lost all control of my emotions.
"I only blame myself for not holding onto your hand now, even though I want to say I love you, I no longer have the courage. The courage to ask you to save me from my own solitude"
Regret - the title of this post, shares the same title as the post written in July 2011 where I declared that even though things haven't always gone my way I have no regrets, that I will have no regrets. That even in pain I felt alive, that I have lived. The irony of it makes me want to kill myself, because right now I feel regret...unconditioned and uncontrollable regret that doesn't make me feel alive, but rather dead.
I laughed when I reviewed my own arrogance on here - believing that no relationship can possibly hurt me now because I've become stronger. I loath myself for the suggestion that I'm fine by myself, that I'm living a wonderful life without the need for someone like Tiffany...I was so wrong...and once again so arrogant.
I can find no silver-lining, no rationalisation that can appease me. Right now, I'm just a tortured soul looking for any relief from my own mind. Tortured by the late realisation that I had my own happiness in my hand and I never held onto it. There can be no salvation for me this time round, because even right now all I can manage is the damnation of my own soul, no respite, I can find no mercy within myself for my own crimes.
Those words paralysed me, I screamed in my head that I wasn't ready, that this has taken me completely by surprise...yet there was no way to avert my gaze from the eyes of someone looking into my soul, but only silence answered her confession. The shock of someone telling me that she loves me.
“So who is she?"
Fast forward weeks later and a simple question asked by an inquisitive friend and I found myself brimming with excitement to answer that question. I told her how we met, how the relationship developed and the things we did together. The more I spoke the more excited I was and I felt something akin to happiness. I was ready, ready to finally return those words. I couldn't contain myself and left her a voice message on Whatsapp.
"Maybe you think that I'm drunk and doubt my words, to which I admit, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love you."
There! I said it, for the first time ever. I was so excited as I drifted into sleep...happy that I can finally return her feelings. But the response was so wrong, so subdued and I felt really disappointed. But then again, I've no doubt that she felt worse when she said it the first time round. It's not important, right?
"JH asked me out, and I see no reason to turn him down...he at least makes me laugh"
Those words came so unexpectedly two days later, yet the full impact of it didn't hit me until much later. I always knew that super long distance relationship was difficult to sustain; that I somehow always knew this was coming and I thought she was right. The first night of insomnia was completely expected - we shared so much happy memories and it was sudden. Second night came and depression set in and still no sleep in sight. By the third night I completely broke down and I found myself weeping from the depths of my soul. The more I cried the more I realised what she meant to me, I regret keeping her at arms length because how scared I was of letting her close. There was no escape from the prisons of my own mind.
"Please give me another chance
Those words were finally uttered on the fourth day, I begged for her to give me another chance. I would do anything. Nothing else mattered anymore, I brought the tickets back to Hong Kong and then to Taiwan. I asked another friend to help process my Taiwanese VISA...all was ready.
"I never thought that I mattered during our time together. I always thought that I was the only one who was interested in making this work."
Those words cut into my like a knife and I realised that she was right - I have been trying so hard to not get emotionally attached because I knew this was going to be hard and potentially temporary. I kept my distance on many occasions on purpose because I thought that as long as I do this...I won't be hurt. The last email she sent to me killed me inside, about just how happy she has been with J... and her suspicion about the sudden and utter change of heart after she decided to end things. Despair unlike any thing I have ever experienced dawned on me. I no longer have the courage to face her in person.
"Happy Chinese New Year!"
China, Chinese New Year Eve. After all the excitement I completely forgotten that it's Chinese New Year and since I brought the ticket...why shouldn't I go to celebrate Chinese New Year in China amongst family? I got there and it was pretty evident to my sisters that something was wrong with me. They also had reports from SX that I have been acting very strangely lately. After drinking myself into yet another stupor I passed out and awake again 2 hours later, even after close to 3 weeks I'm still in a constant state of insomnia...I couldn't remember the last time I managed to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. I needed to talk to someone.
"If you don't go, you will regret it for the rest of your life"
My sisters convinced me that I need to go, go see her and ask for her back; failing that, get the kind of closure something like this deserves. She also called me a thousand kind of idiot, how it was so obvious she given me so many chances...so many hints in hopes that I would promise her something, promise her that she was important to me.
So that brought me to Taiwan on 14th February 2013 - Valentines Day. Ironic yes, I also completely forgotten that it was Valentines day until someone mentioned it on the day- I have always called Valentines Day to the one of the most painful days of my life...since I managed to stay single for every single of one of them...2013 is the crowning moment in pain and suffering.
Just before I got onto the plane in Hong Kong airport I sent her a message - that I will be there for 2 days, that I just want to talk, and that she will be willing to see me; of course the choice is up to her. The next day, I sat in a German restaurant that the two of us dined at not more than 2 months ago...but incredible how much has changed since.
It ended pretty much how I expected, in 40minutes I said all that I wanted to say. For the most part she just looked at me, pity in her eyes. After I finished I asked whether she will leave first, leave me with the last shred of dignity that is left in this situation and go before I finally lost all control of my emotions.
"I only blame myself for not holding onto your hand now, even though I want to say I love you, I no longer have the courage. The courage to ask you to save me from my own solitude"
Regret - the title of this post, shares the same title as the post written in July 2011 where I declared that even though things haven't always gone my way I have no regrets, that I will have no regrets. That even in pain I felt alive, that I have lived. The irony of it makes me want to kill myself, because right now I feel regret...unconditioned and uncontrollable regret that doesn't make me feel alive, but rather dead.
I laughed when I reviewed my own arrogance on here - believing that no relationship can possibly hurt me now because I've become stronger. I loath myself for the suggestion that I'm fine by myself, that I'm living a wonderful life without the need for someone like Tiffany...I was so wrong...and once again so arrogant.
I can find no silver-lining, no rationalisation that can appease me. Right now, I'm just a tortured soul looking for any relief from my own mind. Tortured by the late realisation that I had my own happiness in my hand and I never held onto it. There can be no salvation for me this time round, because even right now all I can manage is the damnation of my own soul, no respite, I can find no mercy within myself for my own crimes.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Long Overdue Update
It has been a long long time since my last update and judging from the previous post I've completely neglected this blog this year.
I have been to San Francisco and finished the darn marathon. Finished in 5h53min which means I just pass the official finishing time. Considering that I spent the last 6 weeks before the marathon sick with both a viral and bacterial infection one after the other didn't help. The cough was only completely gone a few days before I got on the plane.
Still seems a little unreal that I have completed something that I always assumed I was going to complete at a young age and then halfway through university thought impossible. I feel that I make no exaggeration to claim that this is possible one of my greatest personal triumphs. My body was never meant for long distances as I have always excelled in short distance, speed, agility and accuracy...but never endurance.
Now that I've finished I can still feel a certain "high" that has been with me since. I will continue to run and train. I will train smarter, and better. Next goal will be completing few more marathons and then attempt the Two Oceans in 2014 (2013 is in March and a little too soon).
But I suspect that one of the reasons that I haven't updated this blog in such a long time is because life seems lacklustre. I have done more, witness more and lived more in the past, yet none of them seem to excite me anymore. I thought I would be ecstatic over finishing a long time goal of finishing a 42.2km - but felt completely empty after finishing.
For the first time (it seems) I've met someone who holds strong feelings for me and I seem to return the sentiment. I feel the excitement - but it seems rather dull, like there the my "true" self is floating above watching another version of myself.
I know I should be happy, but at the same time this feels dull...life in general seems dull. Corporate politics and scandals just no longer excites me; it's now normal to uncover yet another lie, yet another conflict of interest. *YAWN*
I have been to San Francisco and finished the darn marathon. Finished in 5h53min which means I just pass the official finishing time. Considering that I spent the last 6 weeks before the marathon sick with both a viral and bacterial infection one after the other didn't help. The cough was only completely gone a few days before I got on the plane.
Still seems a little unreal that I have completed something that I always assumed I was going to complete at a young age and then halfway through university thought impossible. I feel that I make no exaggeration to claim that this is possible one of my greatest personal triumphs. My body was never meant for long distances as I have always excelled in short distance, speed, agility and accuracy...but never endurance.
Now that I've finished I can still feel a certain "high" that has been with me since. I will continue to run and train. I will train smarter, and better. Next goal will be completing few more marathons and then attempt the Two Oceans in 2014 (2013 is in March and a little too soon).
But I suspect that one of the reasons that I haven't updated this blog in such a long time is because life seems lacklustre. I have done more, witness more and lived more in the past, yet none of them seem to excite me anymore. I thought I would be ecstatic over finishing a long time goal of finishing a 42.2km - but felt completely empty after finishing.
For the first time (it seems) I've met someone who holds strong feelings for me and I seem to return the sentiment. I feel the excitement - but it seems rather dull, like there the my "true" self is floating above watching another version of myself.
I know I should be happy, but at the same time this feels dull...life in general seems dull. Corporate politics and scandals just no longer excites me; it's now normal to uncover yet another lie, yet another conflict of interest. *YAWN*
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Great Expectations
Time has flown since I last updated this blog - needless to say lately I haven't felt the need to pour my heart out onto paper like last year - which I guess is just a way of saying that I'm doing better than ever...well emotionally at least.
Work has been terrible lately with all my points of interaction at the client company retrenched or restructured - I have no idea what the future of my project entails but I guess the smart money is a Plan B. I'm going to miss all the people whom I have worked with for so long; also because they're really the first real colleague that I've ever had till this point. AA committed suicide about 3 weeks ago when he received news of his retrenchment. I didn't always liked him - he was irritating, stubborn and refused to ever make a decision. I was also angry with him for leaving behind his family and a mentally handicapped son of 14 without his father. In many ways it's his strange sense of integrity that annoys the living crap out of me; and I respect him deeply for that. Rest in peace my friend. I will miss you. Truthfully.
The San Francisco Marathon training has progressed really well - managed to finish over 40km last week without doing any real damage to my knees and ankles. But regardless I tooked this week off and let myself go - in terms of training and eating and drinking (for the first time in a long time) and it feels good. But on Monday I will be back to running 45km+ a week for the next 3 weeks. I now feel at least 80% confident that I will finsih that marathon, I suspect once I finish the 45km/week and a long 32km run I will be 100% confident. A big improvement considering that 3 months ago the injury almost made my lose all hope.
The itinerary has been organised - 10 days in San Fran, 4 days in Yoshemite, 4 days in Las Vegas and Grand Canyon. Booked tickets to the San Francisco Symphony for the "Pixar Concert" along with TC. Was very keen on catching a Celine Dion show and maybe Penn and Teller in Las Vegas - but still haven't booked/brought the tickets. Also haven't booked the hotel room in Vegas yet - but super excited to book a really nice room for the last night with jacuzzi and other luxuries in order to experience "Sin City" to the fullest.
I can honestly say that I haven't felt so excited or giddy as a kid in recollectable memory. South America was a mixture of fear and excitement since there was so much unknown - but this trip is almost just pure excitement and expectation...which scares me a bit because it might just become a big flop.
But what scares me the most is who I will be going with. I'm trying to remember how the topic of finishing a marathon (part of my bucket list) turned into me physically going to a marathon all the way in San Fran. How it went from being each others mental support turned into this ridiculously long and SUPER AWESOME holiday that we planned every small detail together?
I only wish that she didn't move permenantly back to Taiwan the same time I met her.
Work has been terrible lately with all my points of interaction at the client company retrenched or restructured - I have no idea what the future of my project entails but I guess the smart money is a Plan B. I'm going to miss all the people whom I have worked with for so long; also because they're really the first real colleague that I've ever had till this point. AA committed suicide about 3 weeks ago when he received news of his retrenchment. I didn't always liked him - he was irritating, stubborn and refused to ever make a decision. I was also angry with him for leaving behind his family and a mentally handicapped son of 14 without his father. In many ways it's his strange sense of integrity that annoys the living crap out of me; and I respect him deeply for that. Rest in peace my friend. I will miss you. Truthfully.
The San Francisco Marathon training has progressed really well - managed to finish over 40km last week without doing any real damage to my knees and ankles. But regardless I tooked this week off and let myself go - in terms of training and eating and drinking (for the first time in a long time) and it feels good. But on Monday I will be back to running 45km+ a week for the next 3 weeks. I now feel at least 80% confident that I will finsih that marathon, I suspect once I finish the 45km/week and a long 32km run I will be 100% confident. A big improvement considering that 3 months ago the injury almost made my lose all hope.
The itinerary has been organised - 10 days in San Fran, 4 days in Yoshemite, 4 days in Las Vegas and Grand Canyon. Booked tickets to the San Francisco Symphony for the "Pixar Concert" along with TC. Was very keen on catching a Celine Dion show and maybe Penn and Teller in Las Vegas - but still haven't booked/brought the tickets. Also haven't booked the hotel room in Vegas yet - but super excited to book a really nice room for the last night with jacuzzi and other luxuries in order to experience "Sin City" to the fullest.
I can honestly say that I haven't felt so excited or giddy as a kid in recollectable memory. South America was a mixture of fear and excitement since there was so much unknown - but this trip is almost just pure excitement and expectation...which scares me a bit because it might just become a big flop.
But what scares me the most is who I will be going with. I'm trying to remember how the topic of finishing a marathon (part of my bucket list) turned into me physically going to a marathon all the way in San Fran. How it went from being each others mental support turned into this ridiculously long and SUPER AWESOME holiday that we planned every small detail together?
I only wish that she didn't move permenantly back to Taiwan the same time I met her.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Decomposition of the AC Situation
Took a long stroll in my complex tonight while listening to 30 Seconds to Mars and was suddenly reminded of the conversation I had with WC about "what if's."
WC was staying over at my place over the long weekend (she stays over just about every weekend) and I can honestly say that of all my platonic relationships with woman she is by far the most platonic and so most of our conversations are rather open and frank, and I guess that was why she was so comfortable walking into my room proclaiming that "I just thought of something." My interest was piqued as this was probably the first time she ever walked into my room unannounced and started talking about a topic that has been for a long long time taboo - AC.
"If you and AC ever became a steady relationship, then you and me wouldn't be this close."
That was an understatement - I was pretty sure that both of us hated each other almost exactly 2 years ago this time during these long weekends of April and May. I was so certain that WC was trying her best to "cock block" my chances with AC since everyone else in the group knew of my intentions by that point in time. I was super excited to be able to spend personal time with the object of my affections and this girl whose single-minded goal to bring me down was there with us the entire time and I trying to figure out what did I do or say to upset this girl (later I found that that she really didn't like my arrogance and felt the need to bring me down to earth; who was also the only person in the group who didn't know of my feelings for AC).
Regardless WC opened an interesting thought in my head - if I really was going steady with AC now...how different would my life be? I wouldn't be close friends with WC that's for sure - we will be friends but I wouldn't see her as a close personal friend. Nor would I have convinced PL to become my flatmate for a year. I would've brought this apartment and she might have moved in with me. How much things would've changed.
I was also strangely aware of what haven't changed since then. Walking past a Hundai Getz with a CA license plate number tonight still causes my heart to skip a beat. Not the same nauseating feeling that toppled me over when I saw her car outside a Chinese restaurant a year ago but still surprised with myself - but I guess with time I will also get out of that habit.
As I walked and the music taking me to a place deep within my head I once again allows myself to think of the many "what if's". If I had met her before she met V and before she had her heart broken by a younger man. If I had brought this apartment and a steady job like I do now when I met her. If I had the same experience in emotions and relationships as I do now ( and I have had many since then) would things have turned out differently?
After all the drama that is befitting a soap opera with KC recently I was so surprised at how quickly I bounced back. How just within a week of "the talk" and me telling her that I no longer see the need to see her again I have completely recovered. I'm both a little ashamed and proud to say that KC means almost nothing to me already.
I guess what I just wanted to say is simply a confirmation of what I already guessed - short of marriage and children no other relationship can ever hurt me again. This gives me hope for the future, since ironically it's this new found sense of emotional detachment that has convinced me that life can continue again...
WC was staying over at my place over the long weekend (she stays over just about every weekend) and I can honestly say that of all my platonic relationships with woman she is by far the most platonic and so most of our conversations are rather open and frank, and I guess that was why she was so comfortable walking into my room proclaiming that "I just thought of something." My interest was piqued as this was probably the first time she ever walked into my room unannounced and started talking about a topic that has been for a long long time taboo - AC.
"If you and AC ever became a steady relationship, then you and me wouldn't be this close."
That was an understatement - I was pretty sure that both of us hated each other almost exactly 2 years ago this time during these long weekends of April and May. I was so certain that WC was trying her best to "cock block" my chances with AC since everyone else in the group knew of my intentions by that point in time. I was super excited to be able to spend personal time with the object of my affections and this girl whose single-minded goal to bring me down was there with us the entire time and I trying to figure out what did I do or say to upset this girl (later I found that that she really didn't like my arrogance and felt the need to bring me down to earth; who was also the only person in the group who didn't know of my feelings for AC).
Regardless WC opened an interesting thought in my head - if I really was going steady with AC now...how different would my life be? I wouldn't be close friends with WC that's for sure - we will be friends but I wouldn't see her as a close personal friend. Nor would I have convinced PL to become my flatmate for a year. I would've brought this apartment and she might have moved in with me. How much things would've changed.
I was also strangely aware of what haven't changed since then. Walking past a Hundai Getz with a CA license plate number tonight still causes my heart to skip a beat. Not the same nauseating feeling that toppled me over when I saw her car outside a Chinese restaurant a year ago but still surprised with myself - but I guess with time I will also get out of that habit.
As I walked and the music taking me to a place deep within my head I once again allows myself to think of the many "what if's". If I had met her before she met V and before she had her heart broken by a younger man. If I had brought this apartment and a steady job like I do now when I met her. If I had the same experience in emotions and relationships as I do now ( and I have had many since then) would things have turned out differently?
After all the drama that is befitting a soap opera with KC recently I was so surprised at how quickly I bounced back. How just within a week of "the talk" and me telling her that I no longer see the need to see her again I have completely recovered. I'm both a little ashamed and proud to say that KC means almost nothing to me already.
I guess what I just wanted to say is simply a confirmation of what I already guessed - short of marriage and children no other relationship can ever hurt me again. This gives me hope for the future, since ironically it's this new found sense of emotional detachment that has convinced me that life can continue again...
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Yes, Sex Does Screw Up a Friendship
I think the title is self-explanatory and requires little or no elaboration with the exception to emphasis that long ago when our paths first crossed I have already made it clear that I have little or no intention of just being your friend and that the question itself was insulting. I stated on this very blog that being friends with you is the ultimate raw deal. But even with that being said I ended being "just friends" with you for considerable amount of time - it was fun it really was and strangely I managed to forget that we did have our "moments."
Those two weeks in January were happy memories despite the enormous amount of guilt I felt since we were both spoken for by someone else. Despite that - we shared a few evenings in each others embrace and one of such intensity that I have yet to experience.
The most heart breaking thing since then isn't that you changed your mind, you want to perhaps make up with your boyfriend or perhaps you decided the two weeks we spent together was just a moment of weakness on both our sides. What pisses me off is that you tried to pretend without remorse or seemingly any guilt that nothing happened between us.
Those two weeks in January were happy memories despite the enormous amount of guilt I felt since we were both spoken for by someone else. Despite that - we shared a few evenings in each others embrace and one of such intensity that I have yet to experience.
The most heart breaking thing since then isn't that you changed your mind, you want to perhaps make up with your boyfriend or perhaps you decided the two weeks we spent together was just a moment of weakness on both our sides. What pisses me off is that you tried to pretend without remorse or seemingly any guilt that nothing happened between us.
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