It’s never easy to lose a love one, and if we ask Freud losing one’s mother is particularly traumatising event. I always wondered how in the world would I react to the news that my mom has finally passed away, would I cry my eyes out? Would I grief? Or in the other extreme will I breath a sign of relieve? At her finally escaping her pain and for me to run away from the very obvious way that she is suffering? The answer as it is often with life is a bit of all the above.
I cried when I heard the news, it was short but rather animated. I grieved by being angry with the entire world. I breathed the sign of relieve and decided that in my future I no longer have to worry about a woman who couldn’t even defend herself.
Maybe not to the same intensity as when grandfather passed away – the thought of his passing still brings tears to my eyes. But whenever I get reminded of her like now, I can’t help but feel tears welling in my eyes. I owe that woman so much of my life – much more than I can ever hope to repay, I kept telling myself that I will be able to make it to her. During my last visit to HK a month before her passing I realised that there is one thing that she wanted above all others – me getting married and giving her grandchildren. Even then, when I knew that it was going to be our last meeting I couldn’t bring myself to lie to her. Not for the first time in my life I wished that I was a better liar – at least this time round my reasons will be pure. Why couldn’t I get off my high horse and just lie to the woman that has given me life?
I’m scared of returning to Cape Town, all her belongings are still there. Everything in that house will remind me of her. The kitchen is one place where memories of her are the most lucid and for a while it scared me.
Please forgive me.
I’m happy to feel such grief for your passing, I’m glad that I can find it within me to mourn you. Both were doubtful at one stage in my life. You are not the greatest of mothers, you were timid and defenceless. You’re everything that I hate in a woman. But I can’t deny the fact that you’re amongst one of the most gentle and kind woman that I’ve ever knew.
