她從來都沒有愛過我

我記得幾個月前我看到張小嫻在面書（Facebook)上寫過這一句：

”世界上最遙遠的距離. 不是生與死. 而是我就站在你面前. 你卻不知道我愛你“

這句話我覺得形容我剛剛追安娜的時候的感覺，讀了這一句話我又開始心酸了。

但是其實我是在自欺欺人，因為我知道她不傻。至少沒有我一開始想像中是那麼天真。她很清楚的了解我對她的意思，她把我玩於指掌；但是我也是心甘情願。

那天當我第一次親她之後的那一瞬間，我悟覺到了一個現實：“她永遠都不會愛我的”

但我並不介意，在那一刻我意識到了我未來的痛苦同時了解到了另一個事實：“我是真的愛上了她”

當時的我只希望每一份每一刻都在她的身旁，繼續擁抱著我的美夢繼續這一份我明知不可能的追求。

我可能只是她平衡心理的一個犧牲品,但我自己何嘗沒有做過類似的事？

可能她當時也試過愛我，也想愛我。

我也估計她說會我是神經病；說我們根本就沒有開始過，也許她是對的。但這不改變我曾經把心和靈魂雙手供奉，並不改變我是真的受傷了。

現實是經過所有一切： ”她從來都沒有愛過我“

English Translation:

I remembered that few months ago the novelist Zhang Xiao Xing wrote on facebook: "The greatest distance is not the distance between life and death, rather that I'm standing right in front of you and you don't know that I loved you"

When I first read that line, my heart-ached a while thinking how that was I felt when I first started chasing Anna.

But that is a lie, she isn't stupid. At least she isn't that naive, she knew my feelings and played me on the palm of her hands.

I was then reminded the moment of our first kiss, how in a moment of sudden brilliant clarity I knew: "She will never love me."

I also recalled how at that point that I don't mind and came to the conclusion that: "I have truly fallen in love with this woman"

That time I just wanted to spend every moment with her, chasing a dream that I knew will never be; because I was happy.

I was just a sacrifice at the alter of her broken heart, who am I to judge? Have I not done the same?

Maybe she did try to love me at one stage， wanted to love me.

She will most probably call me delusional, that we never even started and maybe she is right. But that doesn't change the fact that I present my heart and soul to her and the reality of the pain.

After everything, the simple truth was that "She never loved me"