Sunday, August 14, 2016

A Part of Me is Crying Tonight

Perhaps it's the Snow Show, perhaps it's the wine, almost certainly have SOMETHING to do with reading Lonely Planet guides on travels routes that for some reason touched me deep inside. While waiting for the show to started I paged through travel guides and a unfamiliar wonderlust embraced me.

I have always been aware of my happiness and or or the lack thereof and the causes of it. Yet, I feel like I don't know anymore. Is this happiness? Is this lukewarm existence what I have to look forward to?

Is this an existential crisis? Or perhaps that in my mind of minds I know what is coming and stuff refuse to admit it to myself? 

Slava's Snow Show

Foreword: First post of 2016! Busy writing this with a heavy heart and a bottle of superb Morgenhof's Merlot Cabernet Franc 2011 - a wine that I tasted last weekend and has since promptly brought a case. Great value and certainly will pay more attention to the estate going into the future.

Watched the Slava's Snow Show at Monte Casino (Teatro) today with B, my 2 sisters and my youngest niece. Overall it was not a great production: occasionally funny, great spectator engaging props (giant multi coloured balls at the end, spiders web, and the finale with the fake snow). However, overall I was desperately trying to fight off sleep for most of the performance. The whole performance would certainly be underwhelming and forgettable if not for the amazing scene at the train station where the protagonist set up a coat rack with a woman's coat and a woman's hat; then for 5 minutes brought the imaginary woman to life. The parting scene was heart wrenching and I felt my emotions manipulated exactly as the show intended. Damn them!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Reviewing One's Wealth

About 2 months ago I  finally paid off my loan; possibly the worst financial decision of my life. Taking the loan out in US Dollars was a HUGE mistake. But luckily my income increased to more than compensate the Rand Dollar exchange rate and I paid it off in less than 4 years.

Since then, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the excess cash that I'm no longer using to pay off the loan. In the past when the Chinese economy was doing really well I saved the cash and put into a loan shark programme that is borderline illegal that most members of my family has been investing with for a long time. But with the downturn in the economy, that is no longer a viable option. Seriously 18% return has been amazing.

I looked at my options and created a bunch of spreadsheets to analysis my current asset profile and I can't help but become rather infatuated with the bottom line - a respectable sum of around R3.5m. I'm sure that if I rewind 4 years beforehand I would be over the moon. But can't help feeling rather underwhelmed and disappointed with myself.
The natural thing from that point on was to project my current earning levels, adjusted for any possible raises over 5 years and came out with another number...again somewhat underwhelmed and deeply disappointed considering that close to 70% of my earnings are saved.

Man's desires are unlimited and I'm merely exhibiting that trait; on the other hand I guess I'm still not satisfied with anything in my matter what. But with that being said; I hope that I can continue this trend of "underwhelming" financial accumulation. LOL

On a lighter note - I was at a wedding last weekend and felt a very strong sense of inadequacy when the other guests at the wedding was lumping around Leica M9's (yes plural) and Leica Prime Lenses. One of them was nice enough to let me play with his M9 mated with a Leica 50mm f/0.95. A combination that is worth over R300k. The experience had me eyeing a full metal body, manual focused Nikon 50mm f1.2. Completely impractical, expensive and hipster as hell.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

To Be Ruthless

Since taking up this job I have been incredibly sheltered by the politics and the inner battles within the company.

Once in a while though I feel the need and somewhat perverse desire to take part in the intrigue and exercise my power to actually destroy someone's career in a company. But despite having that power, opportunity and desire I have not exercised those opportunities because I was too soft. The first time round I backed down and my boss did what I couldn't do.

Fast forwarded 3 year and odd months I find myself sitting in a similar situation and complained about a certain co-worker who has basically stabbed me in the back and blamed many recent failures squarely on my head. I will admit to anyone that I indeed drop the ball; however to just blame everything on me truly exaggerated my abilities and influence within the company, and once again I felt an immense sense of betrayal from someone whom I have helped and supported all this time. I vented my frustrations to another coworker and I sworn that I will get my revenge when I get the opportunity. He surprised me by looking me in the eyes and asked "But can you actually do it this time round?".

I was actually shocked for a  second and realised that he was right; I have never walked the talk. Within seconds I steeled my resolve and promised myself that I will find the opportunities to return the favour and establish a simple principle "Tit-For-Tac".

Tonight, at 11:20pm I got that opportunity. No, I don't have the silver bullet...yet; but I can already foresee that possibility for my revenge.

I admit that this is personal, but what is also very clear I need to start thinking about actually stabbing someone in the back.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Late Night Posts

Been a while since I posted this late and it's strangely nostalgic; I have found this time to be the most productive time for posts since it seems that sleep deprivation strides me of most of my critical thinking faculties that stymies my ability to just convey raw emotions.

Currently doing a network test on the core network and listening on the discussions of at least 3 teams in 3 different locations - and I'm just here for window dressing to be perfectly honest. I've been here since 11pm and so it affords me to just browse online and procrastinate.

I randomly decided to visit TC's Facebook page and suddenly I felt a mere fraction of the overwhelming emotions that overcame me more than 18 months ago. Within minutes my "senses" was transported to these sleepless nights and for merest of seconds I felt as if I can still smell those tear soaked pillow cases and the Summer air. Haha, I'm hopeless.

WC is still having problems in SK, within a space of 3 weeks she has broken up and "not" broken up, I truly and honestly feel that the relationship was over years ago and they were merely living off borrowed time. As TC said, their relationship was too "sanitised", every interaction and every words chosen with care. They have become two different persons and then expected everything to be the same. I guess in so many ways TC was far more matured than me regarding relationships. She saw more clearly than the rest of us.

WC and I chatted over the phone today, it was nice hearing her voice without the tears. I mentioned about PL and how I wasn't invited to her wedding and this shocked her. The honest truth is this: like in the previous post I loved PL almost as strongly as I loved TC or AC and it was also very apparent to me that it was one-sided, that's what made it toxic and painful. She seemed to have reached the same conclusion and it was all the best for both parties.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

So it wasn't a rejection?

Well, reading the last 3 posts make me feel rather sheepishly stupid since I think I might have called things a little too early as since the "rejection" we are now officially a couple as if the whole incident didn't happen.

I've been itching to ask her why the rejection and why the as sudden change of heart. If I had to guess it would be the valentines run? Not more than 10 days after her initial rejection she seems to have changed her mind that night? Who knows, but if someone was to push me for a date it would be the evening of the Valentines Night Run.

But I never seem to get around to asking her, for now it seems like I'm in the most stable relationship that I've ever been in...which is kinda scary in it's own way. No real drama (except she is a good Church going girl) things are working out kinda well right now.

Oh well, we will see how things work out with B.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Can you please keep a secret...

Neither of us has made the initiative to talk to each other for better part of 2 years, I was both surprised and reluctant when she suddenly initiated a conversation when I went to talk to B

"Can you please keep a secret"

I was intrigued at first and when she told me that she has managed to get her husband into the company; I was shocked. But the coup de grace was that she doesn't want people to know about their relationship.

Damn this is going to be awkward with him being in the office as well.

SERIOUSLY??? You want to keep your marriage to him a secret?
WHY THE FUCK would you want that or need to?
WHY THE FUCK would he agree to that?

Regardless, I smiled agreed to it.

Later she asked if she talk to me in private regarding a matter and I brushed her off saying that I'm too busy and simply carried with my day.

She eventually cornered me on Monday and so with dread in my heart I obliged to hear her out.

First thing she did was produce a box of Lindt Chocolate and then apologised. Funny thing is that I don't actually remember her exact words but I think this is what she said:

Things between us has been awkward and there are no reasons for it. If I managed to hurt or offend you in the past then please be the bigger person and forgive me (Chinese proverb). We were close friends once and I really want us to hang out again and just be friends (The absence of the word "close" friends in that sentence was not duly noted). 

I found her apology to be so disingenuous that it laughable, I told her that no apology was needed and I meant it.