"I think love you"
Those words paralysed me, I screamed in my head that I wasn't ready, that this has taken me completely by surprise...yet there was no way to avert my gaze from the eyes of someone looking into my soul, but only silence answered her confession. The shock of someone telling me that she loves me.
“So who is she?"
Fast forward weeks later and a simple question asked by an inquisitive friend and I found myself brimming with excitement to answer that question. I told her how we met, how the relationship developed and the things we did together. The more I spoke the more excited I was and I felt something akin to happiness. I was ready, ready to finally return those words. I couldn't contain myself and left her a voice message on Whatsapp.
"Maybe you think that I'm drunk and doubt my words, to which I admit, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love you."
There! I said it, for the first time ever. I was so excited as I drifted into sleep...happy that I can finally return her feelings. But the response was so wrong, so subdued and I felt really disappointed. But then again, I've no doubt that she felt worse when she said it the first time round. It's not important, right?
"JH asked me out, and I see no reason to turn him down...he at least makes me laugh"
Those words came so unexpectedly two days later, yet the full impact of it didn't hit me until much later. I always knew that super long distance relationship was difficult to sustain; that I somehow always knew this was coming and I thought she was right. The first night of insomnia was completely expected - we shared so much happy memories and it was sudden. Second night came and depression set in and still no sleep in sight. By the third night I completely broke down and I found myself weeping from the depths of my soul. The more I cried the more I realised what she meant to me, I regret keeping her at arms length because how scared I was of letting her close. There was no escape from the prisons of my own mind.
"Please give me another chance
Those words were finally uttered on the fourth day, I begged for her to give me another chance. I would do anything. Nothing else mattered anymore, I brought the tickets back to Hong Kong and then to Taiwan. I asked another friend to help process my Taiwanese VISA...all was ready.
"I never thought that I mattered during our time together. I always thought that I was the only one who was interested in making this work."
Those words cut into my like a knife and I realised that she was right - I have been trying so hard to not get emotionally attached because I knew this was going to be hard and potentially temporary. I kept my distance on many occasions on purpose because I thought that as long as I do this...I won't be hurt. The last email she sent to me killed me inside, about just how happy she has been with J... and her suspicion about the sudden and utter change of heart after she decided to end things. Despair unlike any thing I have ever experienced dawned on me. I no longer have the courage to face her in person.
"Happy Chinese New Year!"
China, Chinese New Year Eve. After all the excitement I completely forgotten that it's Chinese New Year and since I brought the ticket...why shouldn't I go to celebrate Chinese New Year in China amongst family? I got there and it was pretty evident to my sisters that something was wrong with me. They also had reports from SX that I have been acting very strangely lately. After drinking myself into yet another stupor I passed out and awake again 2 hours later, even after close to 3 weeks I'm still in a constant state of insomnia...I couldn't remember the last time I managed to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. I needed to talk to someone.
"If you don't go, you will regret it for the rest of your life"
My sisters convinced me that I need to go, go see her and ask for her back; failing that, get the kind of closure something like this deserves. She also called me a thousand kind of idiot, how it was so obvious she given me so many chances...so many hints in hopes that I would promise her something, promise her that she was important to me.
So that brought me to Taiwan on 14th February 2013 - Valentines Day. Ironic yes, I also completely forgotten that it was Valentines day until someone mentioned it on the day- I have always called Valentines Day to the one of the most painful days of my life...since I managed to stay single for every single of one of them...2013 is the crowning moment in pain and suffering.
Just before I got onto the plane in Hong Kong airport I sent her a message - that I will be there for 2 days, that I just want to talk, and that she will be willing to see me; of course the choice is up to her. The next day, I sat in a German restaurant that the two of us dined at not more than 2 months ago...but incredible how much has changed since.
It ended pretty much how I expected, in 40minutes I said all that I wanted to say. For the most part she just looked at me, pity in her eyes. After I finished I asked whether she will leave first, leave me with the last shred of dignity that is left in this situation and go before I finally lost all control of my emotions.
"I only blame myself for not holding onto your hand now, even though I want to say I love you, I no longer have the courage. The courage to ask you to save me from my own solitude"
Regret - the title of this post, shares the same title as the post written in July 2011 where I declared that even though things haven't always gone my way I have no regrets, that I will have no regrets. That even in pain I felt alive, that I have lived. The irony of it makes me want to kill myself, because right now I feel regret...unconditioned and uncontrollable regret that doesn't make me feel alive, but rather dead.
I laughed when I reviewed my own arrogance on here - believing that no relationship can possibly hurt me now because I've become stronger. I loath myself for the suggestion that I'm fine by myself, that I'm living a wonderful life without the need for someone like Tiffany...I was so wrong...and once again so arrogant.
I can find no silver-lining, no rationalisation that can appease me. Right now, I'm just a tortured soul looking for any relief from my own mind. Tortured by the late realisation that I had my own happiness in my hand and I never held onto it. There can be no salvation for me this time round, because even right now all I can manage is the damnation of my own soul, no respite, I can find no mercy within myself for my own crimes.
