I have never felt such extreme pain for such a long time. It’s hard to believe that someone could have such a devastating impact on my life and my psyche despite spending such a relatively short time with her.
I’ve tried to rationalise this pain and this stranger than expected emotion. I wonder to myself why do I feel so much pain this time round? Any different from the other times when I was dumped? Unlike the others, I don’t share many interests with her. We don’t think alike, nor do we share the same outlook to life. I suspect that when it comes down to it – our philosophy to life are miles apart.
Yet what makes her special is that for the first time I saw a future with this girl, a future that CAN incorporate both sides of my identity - my Chinese heritage and my Western upbringing. That suddenly the idea of marriage and rearing children no longer frightens me. More importantly, I imagined a future that was more than pleasant – anticipated even. Her continual presence was a source of warmth and comfort, I never felt such comfortable familiarity with anyone and when my heart opened up for the first time everything about her became perfection in my eyes.
Above all else I wanted to protect this small woman. She claims that she has issues and emotional baggage and much like others before her, it invoked the male chauvinist in me – I want her to need me. I want to be that person who will be there to protect her, regardless of the time of day. I believed and wanted, above all else that I would be the one to bring her happiness. That night after the attempted break-in at her place, and when she asked me to hold her and comfort her was possibly one of the happiest moments of my life. I felt whole - as if this was what I was meant to do. Content. At that moment in my bliss I was neither strong nor witty enough to tell her how I felt, a moment of such fragile happiness that I dared not disturb.
The last 2 weeks has redefined my world, I realised I never knew true pain till now. I understood what being helpless meant. I am the man who was denied the right to his salvation and for that I weeped-endlessly.
I’ve cried myself to sleep for most of the 1st week. I felt a momentary relieve the following Friday evening and then amazingly continued to weep endlessly. I kept guard by my cell phone and computer in the vain hope that she would contact me – I knew that I was the one who told her that I won’t speak with her again, but I never imagined it would be this painful. Every small thing and every place reminds me of her – each small reminder hinted at the promise and hope that I had.
I actually don’t feel betrayed – somehow I still believe that this is all my fault. I just hate myself because I couldn’t believe that I was so easily replaced - whispering the words "Why not me?"
I love her. Maybe I didn't before this and maybe I did but never realised it, and for the first time using those three words is not an exaggeration. In the end I want her to be happy – truly I do. I still dream, hope bordering on fantasy that I can still be part of that future but I’m starting to accept that it will never be.
Just as I'm accepting the fact that she will never hear me say those three words - and even worse she would never actually believe it.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
AC
I met her for the first time in around August/September of 2009, I finally got around to phoning KW who is up and around Pretoria and he invited me over for Karaoke in Cyrildene with some of his friends and so after dinner with the Huang family I went to the "Red Peony" (紅牡丹).
There I met her for the first time - I later discovered she had recently broken up with Vin and is more than a little depressed. I really don't remember her well from that night, to be perfected honest (something that I denied later) I found her to be mediocre - someone such that I would've forgotten if it weren't for later events. I met her a few more times from that point on - meals, dim sum at the Regal Palace （新華園） YC's birthday party at MacDonald's and the Christmas party that was hosted at my place but organised by YC and co. She left a impression, but even now she has always been in the background for me.
When YC finally decided to quit her job and go back to Cape Town AC organised a surprise party in her honour. I was still working with LI then, and so when AC asked if people can come over to help with the preparations I volunteered since I had time on my hands to spare that Friday. I wasn't much help and actually more of a hinderance than anything else. Yet, it was during that night that I felt so much comfort around this short but infinitely warm "girl" who was 4 years my senior to the day. From that day onwards I felt an affinity to this woman, from affinity I felt comfort, trust and ultimately affection and love.
We started to spend alot of time together after YC's farewell - partially because I had little one else, partially because it was so natural to be around her. Around he I was myself more often than not, and she didn't seem to find my company unpleasant despite my somewhat arrogant and tactless remarks - no small feat.
Yet ultimately, it was my new housemates that unwittedly sent me down this path. JVZ remarked that she is gorgeous - elegant and beautiful - I found that concept to be strange at first, but before I knew I began to understand what she meant. AC is an incredibly beautiful woman - just too bad that there is such an age gap between us. Later that month, JL the other housemate met AC for the first time and I felt (more than) a stab of jealousy while observing JL trying to be charming and witty like he does with all the girls. I knew I no longer see AC only as a friend. By this time, we've been spending a lot of time together both online and offline, one some days I spent every waking hour with her in person and via Gtalk on both our phones. I jumped at every opportunity to be with her and claim that I didn't have ANY other friends or associates, partially true, but mostly exaggeration. She has become the sun that I revolved around.
From there I tried to broadcast my intentions to test the waters in hopes that once she realises my intentions she might give me a hint on whether to carry on...or give up. But it seems the heavens has a harsh sense of humour. For about a month, I tried everything to convey my feelings through hints in my speech and actions. When that didn't work I tried doing things that was a little more to the point. Cooking at her place and showing up at her place when she is sick with cold meds and soup. I thought she MUST understand my intentions after this. When that failed, I sent her roses to her work believing that I will finally get an answer from her...but apparently even then she claimed ignorance. So my last resort was to ask directly, and waited for a good opportunity.
During all this I started to ask myself searching questions. She is 31 this year, being Chinese means that she will be facing a lot of pressure to be married and she wanted children. Do I want to waste her time if I don't want these things? I never wanted these things before in my life. Till that point the idea of marriage and children sounded like a stupid idea. It finally occurred to me that there is a future with this woman and not only that... I wanted to be part of this future. She will be the first girl I fallen for and dated that I can share everything about me. Both my full Chinese heritage and South African upbringing, in the past I thought I will have to eventually choose between the two. But the true insight was simple. I wanted a future with this girl, and a new world of possibilities opened up like the petals of a rose. Unfortunately like a flower in full bloom, it was doomed to wither and die.
My mom passed away on the 24th June 2010. The next day for various reasons I no longer cared I said "Go out with me" in a soft voice while trying to both avoid her eyes and look her in the eyes at the same time. "Why?" was her reply. She told me exactly what I expected to hear, I'm a great guy but not someone for her. That I'm too young. That she is still messed up from the previous relationship. That night I left her place feeling pretty miserable. But as soon as I got home, she messaged me on Gtalk and for the first time I felt like she was flirting with me. I wondered if this woman online was the same woman who just broke my heart. 2 hours into that chat later I realised that she wasn't certain about herself at all, that I still have more than just a chance with her...if I just play my cards right.
From that day on, we kept seeing each other very often. I didn't mentioned asking her out in person again. But every time I get home after seeing her, we would chat online for a few hours at a time and once again I felt like I'm getting through to her. More often than not, we would have a wonderful evening together and later she would tell me online how it was a bad idea. Or vice versa.
In her bid to convince me how messed up she is, she told me online in great length about her previous relationships, when she told me that she is now feeling depressed because I just helped her dig up all her past pain my heart shattered. I asked her, begged her of a way I can make her feel better. Her last reply was that no I couldn't, because I was the one who now reminded her of all the bad things. I couldn't sleep that night, the knowledge that I caused her so much pain haunted me and I knew: she could destroy me whenever she wanted, she had the power.
I sent her flowers again, thinking it was a good idea to try to ask her out again. In the message I asked for a dinner date. She questioned me and she realises me intention. She then tried to end it, saying that it was no longer healthy to keep me going like this. That day, I almost gave up as I felt my heart falling down the endless abyss and the only reply I could come up with was. "Why now? You could've ended this at any time in the last few weeks." Her hesitation was all it took for me to pick myself up and she suggested that we have one trial date. To see how it goes. That night, I thought I finally cracked the lock to her heart.
The night before the "first official" date we went to watch a terrible movie with a mutual friend. She came over to my place later that night, and we kissed for the first time. She was still hesitant but was progressively more respondent to my advances. I thought that I've finally found a niche in her heart. The date now seemed irrelevant. The first date went smoothly, she seemed shy, unsure and I spent most of the evening just adoring her. I was so happy that I wanted to tell the whole world. I wanted to scream to everyone that could hear that I'm in love. Completely heads over heels with this wonderful woman. But my tongue was stilled, this was a fragile start and previous experience has taught me not to suffocate a budding relationship. I kept my joy bottled up - with each additional day, hour and minute spent with her the pressure built and I was ready to explode.
There I met her for the first time - I later discovered she had recently broken up with Vin and is more than a little depressed. I really don't remember her well from that night, to be perfected honest (something that I denied later) I found her to be mediocre - someone such that I would've forgotten if it weren't for later events. I met her a few more times from that point on - meals, dim sum at the Regal Palace （新華園） YC's birthday party at MacDonald's and the Christmas party that was hosted at my place but organised by YC and co. She left a impression, but even now she has always been in the background for me.
When YC finally decided to quit her job and go back to Cape Town AC organised a surprise party in her honour. I was still working with LI then, and so when AC asked if people can come over to help with the preparations I volunteered since I had time on my hands to spare that Friday. I wasn't much help and actually more of a hinderance than anything else. Yet, it was during that night that I felt so much comfort around this short but infinitely warm "girl" who was 4 years my senior to the day. From that day onwards I felt an affinity to this woman, from affinity I felt comfort, trust and ultimately affection and love.
We started to spend alot of time together after YC's farewell - partially because I had little one else, partially because it was so natural to be around her. Around he I was myself more often than not, and she didn't seem to find my company unpleasant despite my somewhat arrogant and tactless remarks - no small feat.
Yet ultimately, it was my new housemates that unwittedly sent me down this path. JVZ remarked that she is gorgeous - elegant and beautiful - I found that concept to be strange at first, but before I knew I began to understand what she meant. AC is an incredibly beautiful woman - just too bad that there is such an age gap between us. Later that month, JL the other housemate met AC for the first time and I felt (more than) a stab of jealousy while observing JL trying to be charming and witty like he does with all the girls. I knew I no longer see AC only as a friend. By this time, we've been spending a lot of time together both online and offline, one some days I spent every waking hour with her in person and via Gtalk on both our phones. I jumped at every opportunity to be with her and claim that I didn't have ANY other friends or associates, partially true, but mostly exaggeration. She has become the sun that I revolved around.
From there I tried to broadcast my intentions to test the waters in hopes that once she realises my intentions she might give me a hint on whether to carry on...or give up. But it seems the heavens has a harsh sense of humour. For about a month, I tried everything to convey my feelings through hints in my speech and actions. When that didn't work I tried doing things that was a little more to the point. Cooking at her place and showing up at her place when she is sick with cold meds and soup. I thought she MUST understand my intentions after this. When that failed, I sent her roses to her work believing that I will finally get an answer from her...but apparently even then she claimed ignorance. So my last resort was to ask directly, and waited for a good opportunity.
During all this I started to ask myself searching questions. She is 31 this year, being Chinese means that she will be facing a lot of pressure to be married and she wanted children. Do I want to waste her time if I don't want these things? I never wanted these things before in my life. Till that point the idea of marriage and children sounded like a stupid idea. It finally occurred to me that there is a future with this woman and not only that... I wanted to be part of this future. She will be the first girl I fallen for and dated that I can share everything about me. Both my full Chinese heritage and South African upbringing, in the past I thought I will have to eventually choose between the two. But the true insight was simple. I wanted a future with this girl, and a new world of possibilities opened up like the petals of a rose. Unfortunately like a flower in full bloom, it was doomed to wither and die.
My mom passed away on the 24th June 2010. The next day for various reasons I no longer cared I said "Go out with me" in a soft voice while trying to both avoid her eyes and look her in the eyes at the same time. "Why?" was her reply. She told me exactly what I expected to hear, I'm a great guy but not someone for her. That I'm too young. That she is still messed up from the previous relationship. That night I left her place feeling pretty miserable. But as soon as I got home, she messaged me on Gtalk and for the first time I felt like she was flirting with me. I wondered if this woman online was the same woman who just broke my heart. 2 hours into that chat later I realised that she wasn't certain about herself at all, that I still have more than just a chance with her...if I just play my cards right.
From that day on, we kept seeing each other very often. I didn't mentioned asking her out in person again. But every time I get home after seeing her, we would chat online for a few hours at a time and once again I felt like I'm getting through to her. More often than not, we would have a wonderful evening together and later she would tell me online how it was a bad idea. Or vice versa.
In her bid to convince me how messed up she is, she told me online in great length about her previous relationships, when she told me that she is now feeling depressed because I just helped her dig up all her past pain my heart shattered. I asked her, begged her of a way I can make her feel better. Her last reply was that no I couldn't, because I was the one who now reminded her of all the bad things. I couldn't sleep that night, the knowledge that I caused her so much pain haunted me and I knew: she could destroy me whenever she wanted, she had the power.
I sent her flowers again, thinking it was a good idea to try to ask her out again. In the message I asked for a dinner date. She questioned me and she realises me intention. She then tried to end it, saying that it was no longer healthy to keep me going like this. That day, I almost gave up as I felt my heart falling down the endless abyss and the only reply I could come up with was. "Why now? You could've ended this at any time in the last few weeks." Her hesitation was all it took for me to pick myself up and she suggested that we have one trial date. To see how it goes. That night, I thought I finally cracked the lock to her heart.
The night before the "first official" date we went to watch a terrible movie with a mutual friend. She came over to my place later that night, and we kissed for the first time. She was still hesitant but was progressively more respondent to my advances. I thought that I've finally found a niche in her heart. The date now seemed irrelevant. The first date went smoothly, she seemed shy, unsure and I spent most of the evening just adoring her. I was so happy that I wanted to tell the whole world. I wanted to scream to everyone that could hear that I'm in love. Completely heads over heels with this wonderful woman. But my tongue was stilled, this was a fragile start and previous experience has taught me not to suffocate a budding relationship. I kept my joy bottled up - with each additional day, hour and minute spent with her the pressure built and I was ready to explode.
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