Letting Go

I have never felt such extreme pain for such a long time. It’s hard to believe that someone could have such a devastating impact on my life and my psyche despite spending such a relatively short time with her.

I’ve tried to rationalise this pain and this stranger than expected emotion. I wonder to myself why do I feel so much pain this time round? Any different from the other times when I was dumped? Unlike the others, I don’t share many interests with her. We don’t think alike, nor do we share the same outlook to life. I suspect that when it comes down to it – our philosophy to life are miles apart.

Yet what makes her special is that for the first time I saw a future with this girl, a future that CAN incorporate both sides of my identity - my Chinese heritage and my Western upbringing. That suddenly the idea of marriage and rearing children no longer frightens me. More importantly, I imagined a future that was more than pleasant – anticipated even. Her continual presence was a source of warmth and comfort, I never felt such comfortable familiarity with anyone and when my heart opened up for the first time everything about her became perfection in my eyes.

Above all else I wanted to protect this small woman. She claims that she has issues and emotional baggage and much like others before her, it invoked the male chauvinist in me – I want her to need me. I want to be that person who will be there to protect her, regardless of the time of day. I believed and wanted, above all else that I would be the one to bring her happiness. That night after the attempted break-in at her place, and when she asked me to hold her and comfort her was possibly one of the happiest moments of my life. I felt whole - as if this was what I was meant to do. Content. At that moment in my bliss I was neither strong nor witty enough to tell her how I felt, a moment of such fragile happiness that I dared not disturb.

The last 2 weeks has redefined my world, I realised I never knew true pain till now. I understood what being helpless meant. I am the man who was denied the right to his salvation and for that I weeped-endlessly.

I’ve cried myself to sleep for most of the 1st week. I felt a momentary relieve the following Friday evening and then amazingly continued to weep endlessly. I kept guard by my cell phone and computer in the vain hope that she would contact me – I knew that I was the one who told her that I won’t speak with her again, but I never imagined it would be this painful. Every small thing and every place reminds me of her – each small reminder hinted at the promise and hope that I had.

I actually don’t feel betrayed – somehow I still believe that this is all my fault. I just hate myself because I couldn’t believe that I was so easily replaced - whispering the words "Why not me?"

I love her. Maybe I didn't before this and maybe I did but never realised it, and for the first time using those three words is not an exaggeration. In the end I want her to be happy – truly I do. I still dream, hope bordering on fantasy that I can still be part of that future but I’m starting to accept that it will never be.

Just as I'm accepting the fact that she will never hear me say those three words - and even worse she would never actually believe it.