我記得幾個月前我看到張小嫻在面書（Facebook)上寫過這一句：
”世界上最遙遠的距離. 不是生與死. 而是我就站在你面前. 你卻不知道我愛你“
這句話我覺得形容我剛剛追安娜的時候的感覺，讀了這一句話我又開始心酸了。
但是其實我是在自欺欺人，因為我知道她不傻。至少沒有我一開始想像中是那麼天真。她很清楚的了解我對她的意思，她把我玩於指掌；但是我也是心甘情願。
那天當我第一次親她之後的那一瞬間，我悟覺到了一個現實：“她永遠都不會愛我的”
但我並不介意，在那一刻我意識到了我未來的痛苦同時了解到了另一個事實：“我是真的愛上了她”
當時的我只希望每一份每一刻都在她的身旁，繼續擁抱著我的美夢繼續這一份我明知不可能的追求。
我可能只是她平衡心理的一個犧牲品,但我自己何嘗沒有做過類似的事？
可能她當時也試過愛我，也想愛我。
我也估計她說會我是神經病；說我們根本就沒有開始過，也許她是對的。但這不改變我曾經把心和靈魂雙手供奉，並不改變我是真的受傷了。
現實是經過所有一切： ”她從來都沒有愛過我“
English Translation:
I remembered that few months ago the novelist Zhang Xiao Xing wrote on facebook: "The greatest distance is not the distance between life and death, rather that I'm standing right in front of you and you don't know that I loved you"
When I first read that line, my heart-ached a while thinking how that was I felt when I first started chasing Anna.
But that is a lie, she isn't stupid. At least she isn't that naive, she knew my feelings and played me on the palm of her hands.
I was then reminded the moment of our first kiss, how in a moment of sudden brilliant clarity I knew: "She will never love me."
I also recalled how at that point that I don't mind and came to the conclusion that: "I have truly fallen in love with this woman"
That time I just wanted to spend every moment with her, chasing a dream that I knew will never be; because I was happy.
I was just a sacrifice at the alter of her broken heart, who am I to judge? Have I not done the same?
Maybe she did try to love me at one stage， wanted to love me.
She will most probably call me delusional, that we never even started and maybe she is right. But that doesn't change the fact that I present my heart and soul to her and the reality of the pain.
After everything, the simple truth was that "She never loved me"
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Update on Fitness
Since November 2009, I have been engaged on a full fitness program that involves me running on a treadmill, a lot.
Now almost 14 months later these are basically the results:
* Body Fat index has dropped from around 35% to 21%
* Lost over 11.5kg (Started at 98kg and now a 86.5)
* Cholesterol has dropped by almost 0.3 points
* Blood Pressure is mostly in the "perfect zone" of 120/60
* VO2 Max (according to my heart rate monitor) has gone from 31 to 52.
* Went from a size 38 pant size to now a perfect 34.
The more subjective indicators has shown that I have drastically improved my muscle definition, particularly on my legs, but I'm excited to see that I can see clear definitions on my arms, shoulders as well as abdominal areas - though they tend to be rather limited at this stage. The man-boobs that has caused much self-conscious has been drastically reduced but still a point of embarrassment for me.
I started in November 2009 setting myself the very lofty goal of weighing less than 83kg - the weight category that I fought my first Judo National Championships in. Though I weighed closer to 79kg then, I wanted to return to that category.
That goals seems so ideal at the time, now I'm going to have to redefine that goal in a combination of indicators and not only pant size and weight alone. I have gained tremendous amounts of muscle mass in my legs, and while my waistline will most probably continue to shrink using that as an indicator might be counter-productive.
When I first started, I only cared about spending A LOT of time on the treadmill doing cardio, I forgone any form of cross training and thinking back now it was a huge mistake. I started off well with stretching but lately I have been lax in that department and is not as flexible as I was 6 month ago. Diet wise I feel that I've achieve the right balance...except for the alcohol consumption in recent months, but I suspect with my own emotional turmoil settling down so should that... I think.
Now I try cross train and rotate between: Boxing, Running, Weights, Swimming. I take the occasional protein shake meal replacement for supper when I'm not able to cook properly. Focus on more efficient training will be a priority as my time has become more demanding since I started.
Without all that being said here are the objectives for the next 6 months in no particular order:
* Weight Reduction by 5kg
* Body Fat Index by another 7%
* Reduce the waistline by another size
* Improve flexibility
These are rather ambitious goals, but attainable within that kind of time frame. My vanity also wishes that by this time in June, I would be able to get rid of my man-boobs once and for all.
Now almost 14 months later these are basically the results:
* Body Fat index has dropped from around 35% to 21%
* Lost over 11.5kg (Started at 98kg and now a 86.5)
* Cholesterol has dropped by almost 0.3 points
* Blood Pressure is mostly in the "perfect zone" of 120/60
* VO2 Max (according to my heart rate monitor) has gone from 31 to 52.
* Went from a size 38 pant size to now a perfect 34.
The more subjective indicators has shown that I have drastically improved my muscle definition, particularly on my legs, but I'm excited to see that I can see clear definitions on my arms, shoulders as well as abdominal areas - though they tend to be rather limited at this stage. The man-boobs that has caused much self-conscious has been drastically reduced but still a point of embarrassment for me.
I started in November 2009 setting myself the very lofty goal of weighing less than 83kg - the weight category that I fought my first Judo National Championships in. Though I weighed closer to 79kg then, I wanted to return to that category.
That goals seems so ideal at the time, now I'm going to have to redefine that goal in a combination of indicators and not only pant size and weight alone. I have gained tremendous amounts of muscle mass in my legs, and while my waistline will most probably continue to shrink using that as an indicator might be counter-productive.
When I first started, I only cared about spending A LOT of time on the treadmill doing cardio, I forgone any form of cross training and thinking back now it was a huge mistake. I started off well with stretching but lately I have been lax in that department and is not as flexible as I was 6 month ago. Diet wise I feel that I've achieve the right balance...except for the alcohol consumption in recent months, but I suspect with my own emotional turmoil settling down so should that... I think.
Now I try cross train and rotate between: Boxing, Running, Weights, Swimming. I take the occasional protein shake meal replacement for supper when I'm not able to cook properly. Focus on more efficient training will be a priority as my time has become more demanding since I started.
Without all that being said here are the objectives for the next 6 months in no particular order:
* Weight Reduction by 5kg
* Body Fat Index by another 7%
* Reduce the waistline by another size
* Improve flexibility
These are rather ambitious goals, but attainable within that kind of time frame. My vanity also wishes that by this time in June, I would be able to get rid of my man-boobs once and for all.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
"Woman do be Crazy"
I have had an interesting couple of months recently.
It seems lately I have gotten myself into one woman trouble to another in quick secessions and without really understanding how I managed to get here in the first place. While I do enjoy having a few of my friends reading this blog nowadays, I'm now also a little timid to write some of the very personal messed up shit here.
But in one such episode, I was set up by a Chinese family friend who wanted to introduce me to a girl that he thought I would "hit it off with." Much to my surprise, I did. She is an interesting person - open minded, spontaneous, and lots of fun. We chatted for hours during our first meeting and realised that there was a mutual attraction. But at the end of the day, she is just here in SA for a year and I just wasn't ready. Before long it was obvious to everyone around that she was very interested and I still remained reserved - after one incident she finally made an ultimatum and asked what she is to me. I answered as truthfully as I can - I don't know, yet. I treat her like a really good friend. Afterwards she didn't bring it up again.
"That's her boyfriend"
Someone told me couple of weeks later I was both surprised and hurt. When I inquired a bit further I she basically lined me and someone else up and when I didn't commit she moved onto number 2. I don't deny that at first all I felt was my ego being deflated, but a week after the initial shock and injured pride I thought to myself today "What the Fuck?" People wonder why I have trust issues. Here I called myself an ass hole because I thought I had hurt her feelings by not committing. She still wouldn't let me know that she already found herself another boyfriend.
I'm reminded of the one joke made by Chris Rock in one of his stand-ups. "Woman don't have platonic friends. Platonic friends are like a dick in a glass jar - break in case of emergencies."
Ladies, please be nice - I never had much trust in me to start off with. But I really do feel that you guys are starting to crush the very little I had in the first place.
EDIT: A few friends commented why I'm so pissed off at the girls response to my obvious rejection. Well, I guess I'm just being a stupid romantic this time round. I don't want to believe that you can genuinely like someone and then move onto Option B without batting an eyelash. In one sense I'm just disappointed that humans (in this case members of the fairer sex) can do that so easily. Guess the cynic in me has returned and is wondering what I'm fussing about in the first place.
MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: Kill the romantic and long live the cynic.
It seems lately I have gotten myself into one woman trouble to another in quick secessions and without really understanding how I managed to get here in the first place. While I do enjoy having a few of my friends reading this blog nowadays, I'm now also a little timid to write some of the very personal messed up shit here.
But in one such episode, I was set up by a Chinese family friend who wanted to introduce me to a girl that he thought I would "hit it off with." Much to my surprise, I did. She is an interesting person - open minded, spontaneous, and lots of fun. We chatted for hours during our first meeting and realised that there was a mutual attraction. But at the end of the day, she is just here in SA for a year and I just wasn't ready. Before long it was obvious to everyone around that she was very interested and I still remained reserved - after one incident she finally made an ultimatum and asked what she is to me. I answered as truthfully as I can - I don't know, yet. I treat her like a really good friend. Afterwards she didn't bring it up again.
"That's her boyfriend"
Someone told me couple of weeks later I was both surprised and hurt. When I inquired a bit further I she basically lined me and someone else up and when I didn't commit she moved onto number 2. I don't deny that at first all I felt was my ego being deflated, but a week after the initial shock and injured pride I thought to myself today "What the Fuck?" People wonder why I have trust issues. Here I called myself an ass hole because I thought I had hurt her feelings by not committing. She still wouldn't let me know that she already found herself another boyfriend.
I'm reminded of the one joke made by Chris Rock in one of his stand-ups. "Woman don't have platonic friends. Platonic friends are like a dick in a glass jar - break in case of emergencies."
Ladies, please be nice - I never had much trust in me to start off with. But I really do feel that you guys are starting to crush the very little I had in the first place.
EDIT: A few friends commented why I'm so pissed off at the girls response to my obvious rejection. Well, I guess I'm just being a stupid romantic this time round. I don't want to believe that you can genuinely like someone and then move onto Option B without batting an eyelash. In one sense I'm just disappointed that humans (in this case members of the fairer sex) can do that so easily. Guess the cynic in me has returned and is wondering what I'm fussing about in the first place.
MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: Kill the romantic and long live the cynic.
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