Open Letter of Apology to My Lecturers and Professors

Dear Sir/Madam

Since leaving university I have been out in the real world earning (mostly) a real living and doing (dare I say) real things.

Now let’s get the most obvious out of the way - without the education and the brand name of the university behind in my CV and resume I doubt I would be here where I'm today. While university education doesn't guarantee you a job it does get you an interview (I would know I have been interviewed for at least 40+ jobs since leaving).

No, what I want to thank you all is the amount of time that you have had me writing Bullshit (hereafter referred to as BS for my more sensitive readers).

You see, while at university doing what my engineering and science faculty counterparts call BS (aka Business Science) I was definitely engaging in activity what I was willing to concede as BS about 80% of time. Now take statistics for example, while it is rooted in robust science and firm academic foundations it is hard to understand how most things (if anything) ever really fits into the so called "normal" distribution. I went through all my years of university using OLS (ordinary least square) regression for just about EVERYTHING I do. The assumptions attached these models are somewhat dodgie and to the uninitiated might seem rather like hardcore science I found the expectation that NO VIOLATION of these rather tedious assumptions to be rather far-fetched. In short, while I fully believe that if we’re able to properly satisfy all the assumptions built into these models would definitely have powerful explanatory powers; the chances of me ever running into such a perfect example has the same chance of me winning the lottery (incidentally around 12 million to 1)

So basically I was never truly convinced by just how robust these models of realities are, but regardless like a good boy I soldiered on, learning everything my lecturers have to teach me and defend these very concepts that I take with a (HUGE) pinch of salt. Effectively I was brainwashing myself to: stretch the truth, ignore limitations, and sometimes just blatantly lie out of my hole but do it with true conviction; even while I (not so) secretly mock and ridicule these methodologies. Of course while I mock the methodologies I also openly mock my lecturers and professors for shoveling this BS down my throat. But I persevered, thinking that one day when I reach the "real" world I would be free from it.

I was so wrong.

Academics was only secondary compared to what my true education was about. A lesson in writing the most magnificent lies and half truths that my clients, executives and "leaders" can appreciate; not their accuracy but rather how magnificently I have turned BS into a work of art. Really none of these people who read my reports and presentations are stupid; instead they merely enjoy the inverse correlation between my conviction and reality of my words.

So here, I sincerely thank you all - my teachers and mentors for these wonderful skills that you have bestowed upon me and just how grateful I have been for your dedication to making sure that your charges obtain the best possible education that you can give and how I have reaped the rewards of your actions.

Tale of Two Woman

Now as a short introduction: I almost exclusively had male, Caucasian friends.

If one was to look at my social circle from when I was living in Cape Town my group was the proverbial "sausage fest", yet if you look at my social circle up here in Johannesburg it's overwhelmingly: Chinese and female.

Now I can't really understand why that is the case, why the sudden change. But overall I'm not too concerned with it. For the most part I enjoy their company even though sometimes I long for some arrogant male chauvinist fun.

Now to the topic at hand, lately I have been shocked by two woman's sudden decision to drop everything and go back to Cape Town to reconcile with the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Their decision comes as a huge shock to me both because of their suddenness and seemingly as a truly terrible idea.

Now as a good friend to both of these two girls and take both their well being as the paramount importance - my reaction to their almost identical decisions was rather drastically different. Both educated, Chinese, raised in South Africa, incredibly pretty and with warm personalities that attract vast majority of the male population, but at the same time couldn't have been more different.

The first girl is a strong character, generally well thought of by everyone she meets (male or female). Sometime it seems to me that she does rash things that defies logic - but what never seizes to surprise me is her ability to make the best of her decision. She calls herself easily pleased but for me she is personification of true inner strength.

The second is a rather timid girl whose vulnerability inspires men to help her, nurture her and protect her. On the other hand the same quality makes her very unpopular with other girls; especially pretty ones. Her lack of mental strength, and competence in the work place makes me more than worried. Unlike the first girl who can make the biggest mistake and still make the best of the it - to me she doesn't appear to understand the implication and consequences of her actions. Neither does she have the inner strength to support herself through the hard times.

When the first girl told me about her sudden decision I was able to rattle out the usual cliches: do what your heart tells you, I will always support your decision, you never know unless you try. For some reason I even meant it.

The second one I eventually rattled through some of the meanest and harshest things to say about her and her boyfriend. I guess maybe it's because of trust: I don't trust her to make the right decisions. What's hurts more is probably because I care for her, a lot. Even worse, I don't believe she understands what she is doing. Eventually days after the initial outburst I spewed the same cliches that I told the first girl - but for fucks sakes I don't in my 'heart of hearts' mean it at all.

I realised that I have neither the right or ability to convince her to reconsider her decision. All I can hope now is that I haven't burnt the bridge so badly that she won't even as ask for my help when she needs it. My worst nightmare is now that I have irrevocably dented her trust in me that I'm now just an irritation to her.

I guess that's why I'm so bloody miserable lately: I want to help so badly but it seems like the more I care the more damage I do - to her and myself. I breaks my heart to think that despite coming from the best of intentions and with her best interest at heart all I have achieved is to lose a friend?

Or is this my punishment? For being so arrogant as to believe that I know what's best for someone else? Is this the hell that I found myself walking towards on the pavement that has been completely paved with good intentions?

Screw this, I intend to get horrendously drunk.

UPDATE 1: I got TOTALLY trashed last night and broke my personal record for the most tequila downed in less than 30min. My head hurts...

One Year Anniversary

Tomorrow would mark my one year here at my company. "Most probably" it will also be the day that they officially announce my promotion to my ex-boss's job.

Most people would be rather excited, I seem to remember saying that I want his job within a year and of sorts I already had his job and his pay for the most of the last 5 months.

So you will excuse me if my excitement is rather limited and sober. I've already taken a bigger bite than I can chew with this job and frankly it's not fun. Something tells me that I'm in need of a change in environment - new challenges and most importantly - BETTER PAY. Despite being called the most valuable "local employee" here in the department I'm also currently the lowest paid one.

So they better start doing something!!!