Long Overdue Update

It has been a long long time since my last update and judging from the previous post I've completely neglected this blog this year.

I have been to San Francisco and finished the darn marathon. Finished in 5h53min which means I just pass the official finishing time. Considering that I spent the last 6 weeks before the marathon sick with both a viral and bacterial infection one after the other didn't help. The cough was only completely gone a few days before I got on the plane.

Still seems a little unreal that I have completed something that I always assumed I was going to complete at a young age and then halfway through university thought impossible. I feel that I make no exaggeration to claim that this is possible one of my greatest personal triumphs. My body was never meant for long distances as I have always excelled in short distance, speed, agility and accuracy...but never endurance.

Now that I've finished I can still feel a certain "high" that has been with me since. I will continue to run and train. I will train smarter, and better. Next goal will be completing few more marathons and then attempt the Two Oceans in 2014 (2013 is in March and a little too soon).

But I suspect that one of the reasons that I haven't updated this blog in such a long time is because life seems lacklustre. I have done more, witness more and lived more in the past, yet none of them seem to excite me anymore. I thought I would be ecstatic over finishing a long time goal of finishing a 42.2km - but felt completely empty after finishing.

For the first time (it seems) I've met someone who holds strong feelings for me and I seem to return the sentiment. I feel the excitement - but it seems rather dull, like there the my "true" self is floating above watching another version of myself.

I know I should be happy, but at the same time this feels dull...life in general seems dull. Corporate politics and scandals just no longer excites me; it's now normal to uncover yet another lie, yet another conflict of interest. *YAWN*

Great Expectations

Time has flown since I last updated this blog - needless to say lately I haven't felt the need to pour my heart out onto paper like last year - which I guess is just a way of saying that I'm doing better than ever...well emotionally at least.

Work has been terrible lately with all my points of interaction at the client company retrenched or restructured - I have no idea what the future of my project entails but I guess the smart money is a Plan B. I'm going to miss all the people whom I have worked with for so long; also because they're really the first real colleague that I've ever had till this point. AA committed suicide about 3 weeks ago when he received news of his retrenchment. I didn't always liked him - he was irritating, stubborn and refused to ever make a decision. I was also angry with him for leaving behind his family and a mentally handicapped son of 14 without his father. In many ways it's his strange sense of integrity that annoys the living crap out of me; and I respect him deeply for that. Rest in peace my friend. I will miss you. Truthfully.

The San Francisco Marathon training has progressed really well - managed to finish over 40km last week without doing any real damage to my knees and ankles. But regardless I tooked this week off and let myself go - in terms of training and eating and drinking (for the first time in a long time) and it feels good. But on Monday I will be back to running 45km+ a week for the next 3 weeks. I now feel at least 80% confident that I will finsih that marathon, I suspect once I finish the 45km/week and a long 32km run I will be 100% confident. A big improvement considering that 3 months ago the injury almost made my lose all hope.

The itinerary has been organised - 10 days in San Fran, 4 days in Yoshemite, 4 days in Las Vegas and Grand Canyon. Booked tickets to the San Francisco Symphony for the "Pixar Concert" along with TC. Was very keen on catching a Celine Dion show and maybe Penn and Teller in Las Vegas - but still haven't booked/brought the tickets. Also haven't booked the hotel room in Vegas yet - but super excited to book a really nice room for the last night with jacuzzi and other luxuries in order to experience "Sin City" to the fullest.

I can honestly say that I haven't felt so excited or giddy as a kid in recollectable memory. South America was a mixture of fear and excitement since there was so much unknown - but this trip is almost just pure excitement and expectation...which scares me a bit because it might just become a big flop.

But what scares me the most is who I will be going with. I'm trying to remember how the topic of finishing a marathon (part of my bucket list) turned into me physically going to a marathon all  the way in San Fran. How it went from being each others mental support turned into this ridiculously long and SUPER AWESOME holiday that we planned every small detail together?

 I only wish that she didn't move permenantly back to Taiwan the same time I met her.

Decomposition of the AC Situation

Took a long stroll in my complex tonight while listening to 30 Seconds to Mars and was suddenly reminded of the conversation I had with WC about "what if's."

WC was staying over at my place over the long weekend (she stays over just about every weekend) and I can honestly say that of all my platonic relationships with woman she is by far the most platonic and so most of our conversations are rather open and frank, and I guess that was why she was so comfortable walking into my room proclaiming that "I just thought of something." My interest was piqued as this was probably the first time she ever walked into my room unannounced and started talking about a topic that has been for a long long time taboo - AC.

"If you and AC ever became a steady relationship, then you and me wouldn't be this close."
That was an understatement - I was pretty sure that both of us hated each other almost exactly 2 years ago this time during these long weekends of April and May. I was so certain that WC was trying her best to "cock block" my chances with AC since everyone else in the group knew of my intentions by that point in time. I was super excited to be able to spend personal time with the object of my affections and this girl whose single-minded goal to bring me down was there with us the entire time and I trying to figure out what did I do or say to upset this girl (later I found that that she really didn't like my arrogance and felt the need to bring me down to earth; who was also the only person in the group who didn't know of my feelings for AC).

Regardless WC opened an interesting thought in my head - if I really was going steady with AC now...how different would my life be? I wouldn't be close friends with WC that's for sure - we will be friends but I wouldn't see her as a close personal friend. Nor would I have convinced PL to become my flatmate for a year. I would've brought this apartment and she might have moved in with me. How much things would've changed.

I was also strangely aware of what haven't changed since then. Walking past a Hundai Getz with a CA license plate number tonight still causes  my heart to skip a beat. Not the same nauseating feeling that toppled me over when I saw her car outside a Chinese restaurant a year ago but still surprised with myself - but I guess with time I will also get out of that habit.

As I walked and the music taking me to a place deep within my head I once again allows myself to think of  the many "what if's". If I had met her before she met V and before she had her heart broken by a younger man. If I had brought this apartment and a steady job like I do now when I met her. If I had the same experience in emotions and relationships as I do now ( and I have had many since then) would things have turned out differently?

After all the drama that is befitting a soap opera with KC recently I was so surprised at how quickly I bounced back. How just within a week of "the talk" and me telling her that I no longer see the need to see her again I have completely recovered. I'm both a little ashamed and proud to say that KC means almost nothing to me already.

I guess what I just wanted to say is simply a confirmation of what I already guessed - short of marriage and children no other relationship can ever hurt me again. This gives me hope for the future, since ironically it's this new found sense of emotional detachment that has convinced me that life can continue again...

Yes, Sex Does Screw Up a Friendship

I think the title is self-explanatory and requires little or no elaboration with the exception to emphasis that long ago when our paths first crossed I have already made it clear that I have little or no intention of just being your friend and that the question itself was insulting. I stated on this very blog that being friends with you is the ultimate raw deal. But even with that being said I ended being "just friends" with you for considerable amount of time - it was fun it really was and strangely I managed to forget that we did have our "moments."

Those two weeks in January were happy memories despite the enormous amount of guilt I felt since we were both spoken for by someone else. Despite that - we shared a few evenings in each others embrace and one of such intensity that I have yet to experience. 

The most heart breaking thing since then isn't that you changed your mind, you want to perhaps make up with your boyfriend or perhaps you decided the two weeks we spent together was just a moment of weakness on both our sides. What pisses me off is that you tried to pretend without remorse or seemingly any guilt that nothing happened between us.

View from The Other Side

NL recently told me that a suitor six years her junior is busy pursuing her. The very first thought that ran through my head was that: "WOW, six years is a HUGE gap." Then I thought to myself - well I did chase someone 4 years my senior so is it THAT different? (yeah ok, 50% difference but still!)

Listening to NL and reading some of the various emails/sms/chats between her and the guy and I was infinitely entertained and at the same time sheepishly humiliated by them. I constantly thought to myself - "was I that different?"

The conclusion was simply - no.

If anything what made this episode interesting and irritating at the same time is because the similarities are uncanny. difference unfortunately for me was that AC kept me around for longer than it was necessary.

We were so similar him and I - yet from this stand point I advised my friend to let the poor boy go...well actually destroy his spirit; because while nothing is certain in life the virtually certain outcome of this unfortunate liaison will only end in tears - and not necessarily his alone.

Each time I pointed out faults in the poor boys struggles it felt horribly familiar - because these words were once whispered to me during the tenderest of memories. Each time I thought of him as naive and immature I was actually criticising old myself - because we were so similar.

At the end of the day, I realised just how far I have traveled since, how much further I got to travel.

But far more troubling is the thought that I'm starting to come to terms with the thought that maybe I be walking this road alone.