Took a long stroll in my complex tonight while listening to 30 Seconds to Mars and was suddenly reminded of the conversation I had with WC about "what if's."
WC was staying over at my place over the long weekend (she stays over just about every weekend) and I can honestly say that of all my platonic relationships with woman she is by far the most platonic and so most of our conversations are rather open and frank, and I guess that was why she was so comfortable walking into my room proclaiming that "I just thought of something." My interest was piqued as this was probably the first time she ever walked into my room unannounced and started talking about a topic that has been for a long long time taboo - AC.
"If you and AC ever became a steady relationship, then you and me wouldn't be this close."
That was an understatement - I was pretty sure that both of us hated each other almost exactly 2 years ago this time during these long weekends of April and May. I was so certain that WC was trying her best to "cock block" my chances with AC since everyone else in the group knew of my intentions by that point in time. I was super excited to be able to spend personal time with the object of my affections and this girl whose single-minded goal to bring me down was there with us the entire time and I trying to figure out what did I do or say to upset this girl (later I found that that she really didn't like my arrogance and felt the need to bring me down to earth; who was also the only person in the group who didn't know of my feelings for AC).
Regardless WC opened an interesting thought in my head - if I really was going steady with AC now...how different would my life be? I wouldn't be close friends with WC that's for sure - we will be friends but I wouldn't see her as a close personal friend. Nor would I have convinced PL to become my flatmate for a year. I would've brought this apartment and she might have moved in with me. How much things would've changed.
I was also strangely aware of what haven't changed since then. Walking past a Hundai Getz with a CA license plate number tonight still causes my heart to skip a beat. Not the same nauseating feeling that toppled me over when I saw her car outside a Chinese restaurant a year ago but still surprised with myself - but I guess with time I will also get out of that habit.
As I walked and the music taking me to a place deep within my head I once again allows myself to think of the many "what if's". If I had met her before she met V and before she had her heart broken by a younger man. If I had brought this apartment and a steady job like I do now when I met her. If I had the same experience in emotions and relationships as I do now ( and I have had many since then) would things have turned out differently?
After all the drama that is befitting a soap opera with KC recently I was so surprised at how quickly I bounced back. How just within a week of "the talk" and me telling her that I no longer see the need to see her again I have completely recovered. I'm both a little ashamed and proud to say that KC means almost nothing to me already.
I guess what I just wanted to say is simply a confirmation of what I already guessed - short of marriage and children no other relationship can ever hurt me again. This gives me hope for the future, since ironically it's this new found sense of emotional detachment that has convinced me that life can continue again...
