Under a Sky Without You

On Friday I went to your memorial service, to be frank it was a terrible affair; the speeches were awful, on the one end of the spectrum it lacked the dignity of a proper memorial service; on the other end it lacked the informal openness that should have celebrated your life.

Or, is that I am asking for too much? To celebrate your life would seem impossible as you were so many things to so many of us. I guess, I needed my own closure and hoped...wished that this memorial would give me something.

I realised that I was mistaken, your accident happened on the Saturday not the Sunday. I also found that that there another person by the name of Jacques who was with you...I can make educated guesses as to which one...but I guess since he didn't come to the memorial he is going more pain and suffering than anyone could understand. It was a freak accident, could've happen to anyone. One a good day you would've left it with a few new bruises. All your harness and safety gear but just a freak accident...that is all.

MS, your ex as a brave man. Insisting to speak at your funeral and spoke of the amazing time you two spent together. Far braver than me, your sister hinted if I wanted to make an eulogy... I wanted to but I was terrified, that small doubt in my heart infinitely magnified...what happens if this is all just wishful thinking like JN? She assumed she was your close and personal friend and whom you also nonchalantly proclaimed that "she has misunderstood our friendship".

I was terrified to find out that I was just merely another friend...and judging from the 200 plus attendance at your memorial there a lot of them. Was I just "merely" a friend? Not someone that you held dear. I was terrified that if I made the eulogy I would discover the unfortunately truth.

Yet your departure was only real to me for the first time yesterday. Even during the memorial I was expecting you to come screaming onto the stage and tell us  that we have all been punked... I even had a small speech ready in my mind to obliterate you when you do...oh, how I wish it was true.

Walking under the beautiful blue Cape Town sky today and suddenly it hit me. Julia Chen's bright smile is no longer lit by this African sun. The full impact of your passing finally swelled up in my chest as I realised that there will be no more rendezvous with just the two of us at another funkily awesome restaurant where I (in Cape Town) would ask where in the world did you find this place. After discovering that jealous significant others are only hindrance to our reunion we have long since stopped inviting them. It was just the two of us, sharing stories and encouraging each other on the way forward. It was one of the highlights of each of my visits to the Mother City.

All of that is gone now, and each time I look to this beautiful Capetownian sky all I feel is sadness. The heartache that I will never ever see you again. I mentioned before, but this city will never be the same again.

Goodbye Julia

Where does one start when they try to commemorate one of the greatest persons to have ever lived?

"Today was is possibly one of my saddest days in my life; your passing was so sudden, and the void of your absence will be felt. Cape Town will never be the same again"

Terrible start, a message left on Facebook while tears streamed down my face and trying to be cryptic in case there are still close friends who are not aware of her passing. It was too short, verbose yet not enough. The despair deepens as I tried to face one of the most miserable weeks at my job, ever.

Two days later I attempted it again, this time posting in a less active forum; WeChat Moments:

"No amount of words, no matter how eloquent can describe this feeling of loss, the void and anguish. Tears could not wash away the pain and I find myself hating your one love that has stolen you from us."

Better in some ways, yet worst in others. My troubled mind was tired; and overwhelmed with such sorrow that words could not come to mind. So let me try again, in my own little corner of thoughts that is at the same time public and private.

On Sunday the 4th June, Julia Chen after suffering a fall while climbing admitted herself to hospital; was placed in a medical coma to relieve the brain swelling and by evening that night was pronounced brain dead. Mid-day Monday the call was made to pull the plug.

For better part of a decade you have been a constant in my life, and I find myself extremely proud to be called one of your close friends, one of those whom you have shared your dark humour and cynicism with; despite your reputation for being one of happiest, warmest and radiant personalities in the world. You showed me a side of you that is rarely seen; and deep in my heart I want to believe that side of you is mine along. I want to believe that so much right now as I hope claim a side of you as my own. 

Go well, my dear friend. My love for Cape Town will never be the same again, your departure will forever darken the city of lights that I have held dear all these years. Tears will never be able to wash away this loss; only time can do that and I hope it never does as it diminish the magnitude of this loss. I can't help but hate your love of climbing, it took away one of the brightest lights in my life and I can never forgive it, ever.