Under a Sky Without You

On Friday I went to your memorial service, to be frank it was a terrible affair; the speeches were awful, on the one end of the spectrum it lacked the dignity of a proper memorial service; on the other end it lacked the informal openness that should have celebrated your life.

Or, is that I am asking for too much? To celebrate your life would seem impossible as you were so many things to so many of us. I guess, I needed my own closure and hoped...wished that this memorial would give me something.

I realised that I was mistaken, your accident happened on the Saturday not the Sunday. I also found that that there another person by the name of Jacques who was with you...I can make educated guesses as to which one...but I guess since he didn't come to the memorial he is going more pain and suffering than anyone could understand. It was a freak accident, could've happen to anyone. One a good day you would've left it with a few new bruises. All your harness and safety gear but just a freak accident...that is all.

MS, your ex as a brave man. Insisting to speak at your funeral and spoke of the amazing time you two spent together. Far braver than me, your sister hinted if I wanted to make an eulogy... I wanted to but I was terrified, that small doubt in my heart infinitely magnified...what happens if this is all just wishful thinking like JN? She assumed she was your close and personal friend and whom you also nonchalantly proclaimed that "she has misunderstood our friendship".

I was terrified to find out that I was just merely another friend...and judging from the 200 plus attendance at your memorial there a lot of them. Was I just "merely" a friend? Not someone that you held dear. I was terrified that if I made the eulogy I would discover the unfortunately truth.

Yet your departure was only real to me for the first time yesterday. Even during the memorial I was expecting you to come screaming onto the stage and tell us  that we have all been punked... I even had a small speech ready in my mind to obliterate you when you do...oh, how I wish it was true.

Walking under the beautiful blue Cape Town sky today and suddenly it hit me. Julia Chen's bright smile is no longer lit by this African sun. The full impact of your passing finally swelled up in my chest as I realised that there will be no more rendezvous with just the two of us at another funkily awesome restaurant where I (in Cape Town) would ask where in the world did you find this place. After discovering that jealous significant others are only hindrance to our reunion we have long since stopped inviting them. It was just the two of us, sharing stories and encouraging each other on the way forward. It was one of the highlights of each of my visits to the Mother City.

All of that is gone now, and each time I look to this beautiful Capetownian sky all I feel is sadness. The heartache that I will never ever see you again. I mentioned before, but this city will never be the same again.