It's that time of the year again where we all look back at the year and reflect on things that we all have and haven't done.
This year was a very interesting year, it started of pretty badly with one of the worst New Years bashes that I can safely remember. For my Chinese friends out there you will understand what I mean when I say it didn't bode well for 2010. For one thing 2009 was possibly the worst year of my short existence and I really needed a new beginning. How bad was 2009 for me? Well suffice to say that I wouldn't liked to have met me towards the end of 2009 because I was just one big arsehole.
2010, this number still seem so new to me, like I never had the opportunity to really let the year sink into my consciousness and in some way I guess it's an indication of just how high-strung and fast pace this year has been for me.
But at the same time 2010 was probably one of the best days of my life thus far.
It has been true roller coaster ride of emotions - great moments of sorrow, excitement, happiness, content, disappointment, depression, heart break and grief. I got my first real job - it has been fun, challenging and all round stress. My mother passed away - a great maelstrom of grief, relief and confusion - goodbye mother.
I made a lot of new friends - something that I haven't done and haven't really needed to do in a long time. Looking back now I'm very surprised by the type of company that I've chosen to keep.
For the first time I presented my heart and soul to someone on a silver platter - but she didn't even realised that I did, or truly appreciated how momentous it was for me. Then again to be fair, neither did I until the end - here I learnt the meaning of inconsolable.
2010 has been my finest hour, it has forever redefined me in ways that I will continue to discover. I'm not naive enough to think that the experiences of the last year made me stronger or better - that would just be a rationalisation. It has merely changed me, I "weathered" the storm and come out a different person.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you here that has been part of 2010. Some of you I will forever be grateful for. Others I would like to thank you for your best of intentions, but just to say that you have no idea how close you were to being beaten to a bloody pulp. Still, I guess intentions count towards something and so - I salute you all.
Lastly to that certain someone, I can never hate you or really hold a grudge but damn you for what you did to me, for without trying or knowing you have changed me into someone that I once hated. There is one thing that I can thank you for without any sarcasm and or ill intent - because to me it has now become a simple fact (even if it's only my continued delusions):
I can do better.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Update on Life
It has been over 2 months since my last post. It's unbelievable that is has been such a long time when I wrote the previous tear soaked posts and once again I'm faced with the contridiction of it both feeling like forever and a short time.
The last 6 weeks has been relatively quiet for me...emotionally. The break through in my emotional turmoil came when I had a dream about her one night. It was a sweet dream. In it I was able to finally confront her and told her whole-heartedly that even if we can't be together I didn't want it to end in this fashion. In the dream she accepted my apology and agreed we would still be friends.
I woke that morning with a warm feeling in my chest. For about three seconds I couldn't remember why I was so happy, then it dawned on me. The utter despair that followed was indescribable. That night I wrote an email to her, telling her the same things I remember saying to her in my dreams in hopes of a similar result.
Unbelievably the next day I woke up feeling even worse. I torturned myself on my own weakness and breaking my own rules, again. Luckily that morning I was scheduled to see the shrink again and much to my surprise he commended me on finally being able to let go of my own stubborness and that he feels that what I did was absolutely correct. That small bit of support was all I needed.
It was from that point on that I felt my spirit lifted. I realised that he was right, what was torturing me for so long was the idea that I just screwed up one of the most important relationships that I have ever come across in my life because of my own ego and pride. That I was the one who told her that I didn't want to see her again...not the other way around.
From that day onwards I made several other attempts to contact her, but they were all fruitless as she neither answer my calls nor my messages. Sunday I finally wrote to her in an email that ended
"Goodbye, for the second and final time. I won't try to contact you again."
She seems to have made up her mind to never see me again and so I won't keep trying. I promptly deleted her contact details, removed her on facebook and I'm finally dealing with the idea that she is now a closed chapter on my life.
Am I feeling depressed because of it? Of course I am. For the last 8 weeks my mind has been able to control my emotions and been keeping it contained. Lately I have the luxury to let it out once in a while and let myself mourn this particular relationship. I realised that until now it has been self-loathing that I have been doing. After this I will truly move on. The intensity has already starting to fade.
The last 6 weeks has been relatively quiet for me...emotionally. The break through in my emotional turmoil came when I had a dream about her one night. It was a sweet dream. In it I was able to finally confront her and told her whole-heartedly that even if we can't be together I didn't want it to end in this fashion. In the dream she accepted my apology and agreed we would still be friends.
I woke that morning with a warm feeling in my chest. For about three seconds I couldn't remember why I was so happy, then it dawned on me. The utter despair that followed was indescribable. That night I wrote an email to her, telling her the same things I remember saying to her in my dreams in hopes of a similar result.
Unbelievably the next day I woke up feeling even worse. I torturned myself on my own weakness and breaking my own rules, again. Luckily that morning I was scheduled to see the shrink again and much to my surprise he commended me on finally being able to let go of my own stubborness and that he feels that what I did was absolutely correct. That small bit of support was all I needed.
It was from that point on that I felt my spirit lifted. I realised that he was right, what was torturing me for so long was the idea that I just screwed up one of the most important relationships that I have ever come across in my life because of my own ego and pride. That I was the one who told her that I didn't want to see her again...not the other way around.
From that day onwards I made several other attempts to contact her, but they were all fruitless as she neither answer my calls nor my messages. Sunday I finally wrote to her in an email that ended
"Goodbye, for the second and final time. I won't try to contact you again."
She seems to have made up her mind to never see me again and so I won't keep trying. I promptly deleted her contact details, removed her on facebook and I'm finally dealing with the idea that she is now a closed chapter on my life.
Am I feeling depressed because of it? Of course I am. For the last 8 weeks my mind has been able to control my emotions and been keeping it contained. Lately I have the luxury to let it out once in a while and let myself mourn this particular relationship. I realised that until now it has been self-loathing that I have been doing. After this I will truly move on. The intensity has already starting to fade.
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