It has been over 2 months since my last post. It's unbelievable that is has been such a long time when I wrote the previous tear soaked posts and once again I'm faced with the contridiction of it both feeling like forever and a short time.
The last 6 weeks has been relatively quiet for me...emotionally. The break through in my emotional turmoil came when I had a dream about her one night. It was a sweet dream. In it I was able to finally confront her and told her whole-heartedly that even if we can't be together I didn't want it to end in this fashion. In the dream she accepted my apology and agreed we would still be friends.
I woke that morning with a warm feeling in my chest. For about three seconds I couldn't remember why I was so happy, then it dawned on me. The utter despair that followed was indescribable. That night I wrote an email to her, telling her the same things I remember saying to her in my dreams in hopes of a similar result.
Unbelievably the next day I woke up feeling even worse. I torturned myself on my own weakness and breaking my own rules, again. Luckily that morning I was scheduled to see the shrink again and much to my surprise he commended me on finally being able to let go of my own stubborness and that he feels that what I did was absolutely correct. That small bit of support was all I needed.
It was from that point on that I felt my spirit lifted. I realised that he was right, what was torturing me for so long was the idea that I just screwed up one of the most important relationships that I have ever come across in my life because of my own ego and pride. That I was the one who told her that I didn't want to see her again...not the other way around.
From that day onwards I made several other attempts to contact her, but they were all fruitless as she neither answer my calls nor my messages. Sunday I finally wrote to her in an email that ended
"Goodbye, for the second and final time. I won't try to contact you again."
She seems to have made up her mind to never see me again and so I won't keep trying. I promptly deleted her contact details, removed her on facebook and I'm finally dealing with the idea that she is now a closed chapter on my life.
Am I feeling depressed because of it? Of course I am. For the last 8 weeks my mind has been able to control my emotions and been keeping it contained. Lately I have the luxury to let it out once in a while and let myself mourn this particular relationship. I realised that until now it has been self-loathing that I have been doing. After this I will truly move on. The intensity has already starting to fade.
1 comment:
You can't let go of something without a sense of loss. As long as you accept that what you're going through is normal, you're going to be okay. One day.
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