Seven months ago, when I was at the height (or depth) of my depression I wondered if I can trust anyone again - if I could ever open my heart to someone unreservedly again. Ok, I will be honest it didn't come as much of a coherent thought as a quick flash that was followed by unqualified panic and pain. Months later, I revisted this question and here follows then answer.
As background I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned on this blog numerous times that I don't trust easily - I have cultivated a reputation for working well with difficult people not because I trust them or see the best in them. Au contraire I'm the opposite, because I never expected any real results from people in the first place I was never disappointed and planned projects with lots of contingencies. The exceptions to this rule can be counted with one hand. I also don't like to be proven wrong on this.
This is on professional level - strangely (or not) on a personal level I dream of being proven wrong. I openly admit that when it comes to emotions I'm a cynic that hopes,dreams and desperately want to be proven wrong. I desperately want to trust people but can never seem to let myself go. Until I met her.
The start, process and conclusion of that encounter are fairly well documented in previous posts and I will not go mention them here. I've moved on to accept reality - but I will be lying if I told you that I no longer love her, the truth is that I still do - love her more than anything else.
Now lately I re-asked myself the question on whether I could trust again and I can definitely answer - NO! I will never emotionally commit myself to a single person again, the idea terrified me before; now I'm nauseated by the thought of it.
For more importantly I will never trust myself again, looking back I never prioritised my own well-being. Never given much thought to own emotional health as I continued to tortured myself again and again - knowingly and relentlessly.
I will continue to feel these emotions, if anything I feel emotions more vividly and in a more profound way than ever before - but I will no longer trust these emotions that I feel. I will be an addict to emotions - the pain, disappointment, anticipation, exhilaration and ecstasy, but never trust or invest in them because I don't trust myself to know what they mean. Or that if any good will come out of it.
2 comments:
I think it's par for the course really - I don't think you're supposed to trust people after you've had your heart smashed into a million pieces. In fact, let it play out the way it must - it sure as hell doesn't feel like it, but this is an opportunity for growth!
I think when I wrote this thing I was more than a little off topic when I wrote this.
My point isn't so much on whether I can trust others, more like I can't trust my own emotions or judgement anymore between love, lust, loneliness, affection, or anything vaguely related.
It just seems that once again I've proven conclusively that I should never pro-actively engage in any emotional affair.
Post a Comment