Escape

Alcohol is not a good escape for me.

I've drank more in the last month than the previous 12 months combined. I do this because I hope to escape my own thoughts, and regret.

But despite the best efforts of myself and a few close friends. Here I'm after sampling the entire shooters menu at Newscafe, clear headed enough to write this blog without trouble. One would actually wonder that I might write better completely shit faced drunk. Yet, alcohol doesn't help me to achieve my end goals. Which is unfortunately because it was my last resort.

Even now, after trying everything that I can think off, I can find no solace, no iota of comfort and above all else no escape of my pain. I have tried to keep myself busy, I have tried to numb the pain through the brain numbing act of finishing the entire series of Star Trek: Voyager and most of Enterprise. I thought about just getting on a plane and fly away, I desperately want to run away but where would I go? I have tried everything in my repertoire of pain management and I find no escape from it. I'm not only a prisoner of my own mind. I'm a prisoner without any hope of escape.

What's next? I have no idea, but scarily I contemplated suicide on more than one occasion - the balcony is only 3 stories high and death isn't guaranteed. My life insurance is over 24 months and even if I should throw myself from the building it would still pay out.

Morbid thoughts cloud my thoughts but honestly, I'm too much of a coward - I finally realised that it takes certain amount of conviction, the right amount of bravery to end ones own life and I'm definitely not the type to do so. I often stated that I'm a homicidal not suicidal....but that position is being thrown into doubt.

I just hugged the toilet for better part of 45min and emptied my stomach, I will be sober enough to think this post a bad idea. Yet, despite this, the idea of never ending slumber is appealing and not for the first time I wish for a traffic incident to end it.