There are so many many things that I want to be wrong about - but despite wishful thinking that boarders on flight of fancy the inevitable conclusion came crashing home.
Fuck you - anger boils inside me not for the first time. This white hot furnace inside of me was once all consuming an infinite positive feedback loop; is now merely a constant flame that too will burn itself out eventually.
I hate you, honestly and truthfully. It's a fine line separating love and hate and as cliche as it might sound I find myself crossing the threshold from one to the other side and I can truthfully claim that after having truly loved someone for the first time I have also grown to truly hate someone.
I loved you once, in my own way. Maybe not in the same way as TC or AC; despite all else I don't believe or felt that they actually betrayed me in any way. Oh, but sweetie, you betrayed me in a way that only a love one can. What I wanted was so easy, so simple because I forget easily and I forgive easily - because I loved you.
But whatever love that I had for you once only fuels this anger and this new found hatred. It takes a lot of energy to hate someone, something that I once wish that KC would do for me - hate me. Because if she hated me at least then I knew that I meant something to her.
I won't thank you for anything - whatever I might have owed you has long since been repaid in full with interest and more.
Sayanora~
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
You Took It All Away From Me
4am - Insomnia
I remembered how less than 6 months ago it felt like that life has just started. The excitement of it all, how the evening moon mixed with the unmistakable smell of Summer transported me into a vision of a future that grows brighter by the second. That there is a whole new world out there, unexplored, untamed just waiting for my pleasure.
I'm also reminded how only 3 months before that - I experienced months of lethargic emotions. I can almost suspect myself of being bipolar.
Work is now more fulfilling than any point in time, I rub shoulders with all the senior execs on both sides of the conference table and earned my place in the upper echelons of the firm. This was what I always wanted. But each time I opened my apartment door and step in - it seems so empty, so lonely and so depressing.
I kill time - that's what I do now; instead of enjoying my new found wealth to the fullest I found myself merely content to vegetate in front of the computer monitor....wasting away. Activities that once filled me with such wonder and excitement now seem grey and sad.
Somehow, you took all the joy in my life from me. I know not of how and why. Merely that since I lost you - the colours drained away in my world. This gray-scale world devoid of joy is the one that return to; day after day.
How is that possible? I've accepted and swallowed many hard truths in the months passed. The bitterness of them, now a distant memory and yet my world was as you left it still: joyless, silent, and colourless.
I remembered how less than 6 months ago it felt like that life has just started. The excitement of it all, how the evening moon mixed with the unmistakable smell of Summer transported me into a vision of a future that grows brighter by the second. That there is a whole new world out there, unexplored, untamed just waiting for my pleasure.
I'm also reminded how only 3 months before that - I experienced months of lethargic emotions. I can almost suspect myself of being bipolar.
Work is now more fulfilling than any point in time, I rub shoulders with all the senior execs on both sides of the conference table and earned my place in the upper echelons of the firm. This was what I always wanted. But each time I opened my apartment door and step in - it seems so empty, so lonely and so depressing.
I kill time - that's what I do now; instead of enjoying my new found wealth to the fullest I found myself merely content to vegetate in front of the computer monitor....wasting away. Activities that once filled me with such wonder and excitement now seem grey and sad.
Somehow, you took all the joy in my life from me. I know not of how and why. Merely that since I lost you - the colours drained away in my world. This gray-scale world devoid of joy is the one that return to; day after day.
How is that possible? I've accepted and swallowed many hard truths in the months passed. The bitterness of them, now a distant memory and yet my world was as you left it still: joyless, silent, and colourless.
Friday, May 3, 2013
我的生命之中再也沒有剩下些什麼...
當我失去你那眼中美麗的溫柔，當你決定就此放手，我的生命之中再也沒有剩下些什麼...
也許，我們的邂逅是錯誤
也許，我只是一時之氣
也許，她說愛我只是一時的氣氛
也許，我從來沒有愛過一個人
如果，我早一點認識你
如果，我一開始就抓緊你的手
如果，我沒有放開你的手
如果。。。
也許，我們的邂逅是錯誤
也許，我只是一時之氣
也許，她說愛我只是一時的氣氛
也許，我從來沒有愛過一個人
如果，我早一點認識你
如果，我一開始就抓緊你的手
如果，我沒有放開你的手
如果。。。
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)