I'm a Fool

For reasons unknown to me, you started to talk to me again yesterday.
For reasons yet unknown you treated me to lunch.

I know not the reason of your indifference to my existence and suddenly after a while you contacted me again. Was it the rather problematic confession that I made to your good friend?

Your intentions are a mystery to me; however I know why I was grinning like an idiot for most of today even though it was rough and horrible day...because I was able to bask myself in your presence again.

I'm such an irredeemable fool.

This familar feeling

It hurts, there is no longer any need to deny it to myself or anyone else should I be confronted by it. I have completely and hopelessly fallen in love with a married woman.

Simple words that carry so much weight and so much guilt. It's been years since I felt this way and even longer since I have felt this alone, this helpless and this obsessed with a single person.

My heart is broken and a thousand little cracks has formed and it feels like my hearts life blood is flowing through; along with all my insecurities, fears, pain and scars.

Yes, you are definitely the rock that will smash my heart into a million pieces

I have fallen in love, again

Originally this posts title was "Seriously? How can I possibly be upset" and I realised quickly that I'm lying to myself. I know exactly why I'm so upset.

Today is my 35th birthday, while I never expected you to be spending it with me; I wished and hoped you would. At least an attempt? Lie to me, tell me all kinds of excuse why you couldn't and I will believe you - because I have fallen hopelessly in love with you.

Seeing you tonight with someone else was heartbreaking. I felt the earth gave way under me and I free fall towards the centre of the earth. All I wanted to do was find myself a hole and cry myself to sleep.

I feel like I have been doing  this all wrong; all wrong.

Puppy Love and Mature Affections

The last month has been an interesting time in my life; I have always wondered what it will be like to be admired and even somewhat stalked by members of the opposite sex and recently for the first time in my life I am the object of such adoration; more admired than stalked but still.

Sure it is just puppy love, most wouldn't call her young, but in reality she is young and yet so innocent; in the end since I neither find her physically attractive nor intellectually engaging; so it is not at all complicated. I do sometimes find it little irresistible to not tease her; but otherwise just harmless banter.

What is however very complicated is my growing affection for the incredibly fascinating, young and most importantly: attractive woman. The coup de grace of the whole thing: she is a married woman. The mutual attraction between the two of us is palpable. Both of us are engaging in a constant contradicting dance of attraction and repulsion. Have not been this obsessed with a member of the opposite sex for a long long time.

I don't think either of us are willing to stop...or even capable of stopping, like the mouth that flies into the flame both of us seems helpless to our own emotional contradictions

夢中方可永久地，接近你

            夢中方可永久地，接近你

"So that in my dreams I can forever be close to you"

                                                "After I leave" - Jacky Zheung

I had another dream about you, both me and Justin were getting ready to meet you for dinner. Both of us were excited to catch up and we felt like we haven't seen you in years...

But delay after delay meant you kept asking when we will arrive and I kept responding that we will be there soon. In my dream the expectation built and I couldn't voice how much I wanted to be able to see you again...

But, after the umpteenth time that we were delayed (amazing amount of car trouble), you sent us a message asking how much longer we will be and in my despair I realised: "But you passed away, how is this possible"

I woke up after that message, and the feeling not akin to despair and depression once again set in. I wanted so badly for the dream to continue that in my dreams I can once again look upon your face and imagine myself hearing you infectious laughter once again. 

More than anything else, I didn't want to wake up, I wanted; desperately needed to feel your company once again... Oh god, why am I torturing myself like this again.