Regrets

One of the fun things that you get to do writing a blog like this is to do a bit self reflection by reading the more strongly worded ideas that one wrote in the past.

For the most part 90% of the sentiments made here still hold true and I will stand by them now with one possible addendum in case there are any confusions in my mind and anyone else who eventually reads this blog as a whole:

I have no regrets!

I have complained, cried, screamed, sulked and every other possible negative action during these two years in Johannesburg but it's alright. Compared to the smooth and relatively uneventful life in Cape Town I feel truly alive for the first time for as long as memories can take me back.

"Maybe, I'll get hurt, maybe I won't. But that doesn't concern me right now. I just want to be true to myself"

Every strong emotion that I have experienced is a testament that I'm alive - not only alive but truly living a worthwhile life. The last 2 years will shine like a bonfire that will overshadow everything till this point.

So future me, readers current and future. Judge, criticise and belittle for my hypocrisy, for my idiocy, and my weakness. I will live free, be true to me but I don't want to regret, will have no regrets. Let me burn twice as bright even if I burn for half as long.

I will have no regrets.

Movie Review: Sex and Zen：肉蒲團

This is another move adaptation of a classic Chinese literature - this time one of two most well known erotic literature in Chinese history.

Written in 1657, the Chinese name 肉蒲團 translates to "The Carnal Prayer Mat" is so titled because the book starts with protagonist speaking to the most esteemed Buddhist Priest of his time concerning the pursuit of happiness - the protagonist states that he would "pray" upon the carnal bodies of the worlds most beautiful woman and explore the boundaries of sexual ecstacy and singing of his own beauty and brilliance. With the priest warning him of karma as almost a prophecy - with it all ending as the priest said it would.

Well...at least that's what the book was about and I for one have actually read most of it - it was pretty heavy reading and my Classical Chinese is limited even at the best of times. The movie, premiered in mainstream movie theaters in 3D and was advertised as an arts film and created a huge stir over in the Asian Pacific when it was released. One of my co-workers had the 2D version on his computer and I was more than keen to know what all the fuss was about.

For the most part the movie was a softcore porn movie labelled as an arts film. Hell 3 of the lead actresses were premium Japanese Adult Entertainment Idols. So there were plenty of groaning, moaning and exaggerated expressions of climax...you will know what I'm talking about if you've seen Japanese AV. Best part about hiring them? They don't even really say much in Chinese in the movie either than making noises anyway. But with that being said, the acting wasn't half bad and there were plenty of comedic moments that wouldn't have been out of place in The Hangover movies.

The storyline was so drastically changed that it was hard to continue to use the original book title. For starters the protagonist in the movie wasn't a complete amoral son of a bitch - just a horny son of a bitch. He had good intentions and was tempted by the "Carnal Prayer Mat". Instead of surgically attaching a dogs penis to the protagonist they attached a donkey's, instead of just having affairs they had orgies, instead of a couple of woman the movie had a platoon. In the book he became a disciple of the Buddhist priest after his world collapsed around him, the movie ending was a bit more extreme but was somewhat of happy ending...in a rather extreme way that only a porn movie can.

The cinematography was quite good and one can see that they hired some of the best crew...though sometimes I wonder if they hired the best crew from the adult entertainment business as well. The costumes was wonderfully done and they even had time to include some Chinese martial arts elements in it to just add that extra Chinese/Hong Kong movie touch to it.

Overall I did enjoy it - though I'm not sure as a porno or as a movie. Should you watch it? If you're a guy it's not like you need much of an excuse to watch a porno. If you're a girl like my housemate who had to sit through 2 hours of this movie with me? Probably not.

This is My Apology

I swear that Cape Town is where I obtain all my inspirations or new perspective in my life – lately every time I fly down I make a new discovery or take a small step in self realization.

Recently I have been crucifying everyone who has slighted or injured me (even if it’s only on here); their sometimes unintended injuries against me are recorded and (for good reason) punished.

Last week I concluded yet another disastrous race in attempting to woe the affections of someone whom I met recently – she choose her ex-ex-boyfriend over me is probably good judgement call – they seem better together. Only my pride was injured - but I let myself dwell on it longer than what it’s worth.

This was the backdrop to which I arrived in Cape Town, somewhat pissed off, somewhat holding a grudge against the rest of the world. I once again attempted to forget my problems in company of good friends, lots of loud music and drinking.
I called old friends and gathered to party that Saturday night; among them was one of my ex – SL. I have always been in contact with her and was surprisingly good at being friends after our brief and somewhat abrupt relationship. I was always under the impression that it was a mutual decision to breakup – one night both of us decided that it wasn’t going to work out and better to just let it go. But I was wrong.

She is a wonderful woman – so much so that I wondered why I ended things with her. Sure, I guess most people would find her “less than attractive” physically but strong, independent and full of ambition, all the attributes that I admire in a girl. I remembered why I liked her so much when I first met her, unable to remember why it didn’t work out, so I found myself drawn to this girl again.

Strangely I wasn’t the only wondering this problem, she ambushed me by suddenly announcing that timing was the reason for our demise and wished that if only we met much later. She is right, when I first met her she just finished high school, and I was in my fourth year. She was matured for her age, but in more than one sense of the world she was “wet behind the ears”.

I felt like we truly communicated for the first time, that even with our mutual attraction to each other four years ago this was the first time we truly connected. It was also for the first time that I realised just how much pain and suffering I’ve inflicted on this person with the heart of gold. How that the breakup was never mutual – merely that she sensed my growing reluctance and decided to walk away; for my benefit.

For some reason this probably hurt me more than having my affections spurred, I have been so caught up in my own self-loathing and bitterness that I have yet to look at the people around me and how much pain I’ve also in turn inflicted upon others. She is under the impression that I only saw her as a fling/hook-up – the truth is a bit more complicated and all I can say is that I was definitely undeniably so the one to blame.

I think need to admit to myself that I’m not a nice person. I should stop pretending that I’m one. It doesn’t impress people that don’t know me, and it doesn’t stop me from hurting those close to me. At least if I stop this charade some of them will stay away.

Keeping a Lower Profile

This blog recently has become a place where I vent my emotional frustrations and often it is written at the heat of the moment and an impulsive move rather than a calm and collected presentation.

I've enjoy this outlet and it's a great way keep records of my emotions and development. But, it has been once again (rightly) pointed out to me that I've shared a bit too much information on here and so now the drive is to remove any specific names or references so that I won't land myself in hot water.