This is My Apology

I swear that Cape Town is where I obtain all my inspirations or new perspective in my life – lately every time I fly down I make a new discovery or take a small step in self realization.

Recently I have been crucifying everyone who has slighted or injured me (even if it’s only on here); their sometimes unintended injuries against me are recorded and (for good reason) punished.

Last week I concluded yet another disastrous race in attempting to woe the affections of someone whom I met recently – she choose her ex-ex-boyfriend over me is probably good judgement call – they seem better together. Only my pride was injured - but I let myself dwell on it longer than what it’s worth.

This was the backdrop to which I arrived in Cape Town, somewhat pissed off, somewhat holding a grudge against the rest of the world. I once again attempted to forget my problems in company of good friends, lots of loud music and drinking.
I called old friends and gathered to party that Saturday night; among them was one of my ex – SL. I have always been in contact with her and was surprisingly good at being friends after our brief and somewhat abrupt relationship. I was always under the impression that it was a mutual decision to breakup – one night both of us decided that it wasn’t going to work out and better to just let it go. But I was wrong.

She is a wonderful woman – so much so that I wondered why I ended things with her. Sure, I guess most people would find her “less than attractive” physically but strong, independent and full of ambition, all the attributes that I admire in a girl. I remembered why I liked her so much when I first met her, unable to remember why it didn’t work out, so I found myself drawn to this girl again.

Strangely I wasn’t the only wondering this problem, she ambushed me by suddenly announcing that timing was the reason for our demise and wished that if only we met much later. She is right, when I first met her she just finished high school, and I was in my fourth year. She was matured for her age, but in more than one sense of the world she was “wet behind the ears”.

I felt like we truly communicated for the first time, that even with our mutual attraction to each other four years ago this was the first time we truly connected. It was also for the first time that I realised just how much pain and suffering I’ve inflicted on this person with the heart of gold. How that the breakup was never mutual – merely that she sensed my growing reluctance and decided to walk away; for my benefit.

For some reason this probably hurt me more than having my affections spurred, I have been so caught up in my own self-loathing and bitterness that I have yet to look at the people around me and how much pain I’ve also in turn inflicted upon others. She is under the impression that I only saw her as a fling/hook-up – the truth is a bit more complicated and all I can say is that I was definitely undeniably so the one to blame.

I think need to admit to myself that I’m not a nice person. I should stop pretending that I’m one. It doesn’t impress people that don’t know me, and it doesn’t stop me from hurting those close to me. At least if I stop this charade some of them will stay away.