I had an interesting experience a while back in Cape Town. I was having dinner with JC and her now re-united boyfriend and was placed in an unfamiliar situation - the boyfriend felt threatened by me.
Seriously, considering that I've known JC for a long time means that I knew PDA (Pubic Display of Affection) was never her thing and from recollection they were never this...energetic in front of people at even the best of times. No - the conclusion that I drew from the evening was that he felt threatened by me and felt somehow compelled to actually mark his territory - which I don't understand why. JC is very cool and pretty and all, but I think after over a decade of friendship nothing is going to happen between us. At first I thought I was imagining this animosity and so I spent most of the time trying my best to break the ice between us and be inclusive of him in our conversations. But it was later confirmed by another friend who was also in attendance at that restaurant.
Regardless - I retold this story to another friend, and he made a comment that gave me pause: "Well you do sort of have that reputation with other peoples girlfriends." At first I thought it was just a joke, then afterwards that line lingered and it hit me.
In our little group of friends, I had a crush on a good mates girlfriend. It was something that I sort of kept to myself for the duration of their relationship and a year after they broke up I finally worked up courage to ask her out. He knew about that incident. Then there was one occasion at my dinner party where one of the guests remarked on how much his current girlfriend seems to like me. It then came together in my head. I then understood why he never brought his girlfriend with him despite my numerous invitation to the both of them for meals, drinks or other social gatherings. He is genuinely scared of me. Not only that, from that comment I realised that he wasn't the only one who felt that way about me in our social circle.
Since then I have re-looked at a lot of my female friends boyfriends reactions to me and I reached the same conclusion with most of them, most of them feels uncomfortable when I'm around their girlfriends - one of them which such open hostility that I wonder why I haven't noticed till now.
Looking back there is two possible reasons for this sudden onset of hostility: 1.) My mistrust of people has grown and I have started to read peoples reactions to me even in social situations. 2.) I've only recently became a threat.
1.) would mean that experience in the "real world" corporate environment and having my heart shuttered into a million pieces has now influenced me to the point where I'm constantly vigilantly reading people 24/7. Which is a good thing, because I normally am a huge idiot in reading people in social situations.
2.) Would mean that something has changed in the last 2 years - that caused all these boyfriends to find my presence and friendship with their respective girlfriends uneasy.
The vanity in me want to believe in both of them, that I've grown most accustomed to putting my guard up with people and also that things has changed in the last 2 years that caused them to the weary.
I would like to think after these 2 years I've learnt to flatter people and engage them - that my social skills has improved dramatically and my tact is now leaps and bounds ahead of my old self. I would also like to think that after so much hard work on my physique that I've become a great deal more attractive if not bordering on good looking. The third change I suspect isn't the change in me but rather the change in other people's opinions. I have always been known to be a rich kid who will eventually have keys to the family fortune - but I guess for guys and girls alike when you're young you don't really put much weight into this - I mean we were all meant to become rock-stars and billionaires so who cares if your dad is merely "wealthy." I guess now more than ever my fathers wealth is an attractive "feature" to woman.
Regardless of the reason, because right now only thing that I care about is this: thank you for your highest compliments. Your insecurities towards me is just another testimony towards what I've done right and continue to help me build my self-esteem and also my confidence with woman. Rest assured that I will not put any "moves" on your girlfriends - really and honestly. Simply because I know that with all my female friends I have missed my chance to be more than just friends a long long time ago.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Time to Just Give Up
Two weekends ago I went back to Cape Town for rest and fun - OK not so much rest rather than a weekend of complete debauchery. Nowadays I only return to greet old friends - otherwise I don't stay there long enough to do interesting things that make my trip worthwhile.
When friends return from China/HK/UK/US/Sweden and I would try to plan a weekend down see them and also wreck havoc while down there. Normally I don't ONLY go down because of their arrival, rather because I try to plan my trips to coincide. This particular weekend was such when JB one of my closest friends from my high school days returned to Cape Town from Oxford.
A while back she told me when she will be back and looking at my schedule (yes I have one) and thought that it was perfect because it would be the weekend after my CFA exams and can double up as my post-exams celebrations.
She has a busy schedule when she is down in Cape Town spending time with friends and family and most importantly with the boyfriend. So I tried to be understanding when she renegades me to only tea or light lunch and sometimes just cancelling it all together. Still I only held a small grudge and I sometimes more than a little that I was never invited over for meals with the family after all the years.
This time round was the final straw, I made it very clear to her the week before that I'm making this trip SPECIALLY so that I can met up with her. I was renegaded from a meal to a light lunch to tea at her place to finally being cancelled altogether. I give up.
I realised that we have grown apart through the years and it didn't occur to her how much it breaks my heart to think that she couldn't even spare me a few hours of her free time. She helped me through some of my darkest hours and so I truly thought of her as my confidant.
The suffering in the past year helped me to realise that life is too short, I don't have the time, or energy (or money for that matter) to waste on people that makes me feel like shit - I must learn to let go.
When friends return from China/HK/UK/US/Sweden and I would try to plan a weekend down see them and also wreck havoc while down there. Normally I don't ONLY go down because of their arrival, rather because I try to plan my trips to coincide. This particular weekend was such when JB one of my closest friends from my high school days returned to Cape Town from Oxford.
A while back she told me when she will be back and looking at my schedule (yes I have one) and thought that it was perfect because it would be the weekend after my CFA exams and can double up as my post-exams celebrations.
She has a busy schedule when she is down in Cape Town spending time with friends and family and most importantly with the boyfriend. So I tried to be understanding when she renegades me to only tea or light lunch and sometimes just cancelling it all together. Still I only held a small grudge and I sometimes more than a little that I was never invited over for meals with the family after all the years.
This time round was the final straw, I made it very clear to her the week before that I'm making this trip SPECIALLY so that I can met up with her. I was renegaded from a meal to a light lunch to tea at her place to finally being cancelled altogether. I give up.
I realised that we have grown apart through the years and it didn't occur to her how much it breaks my heart to think that she couldn't even spare me a few hours of her free time. She helped me through some of my darkest hours and so I truly thought of her as my confidant.
The suffering in the past year helped me to realise that life is too short, I don't have the time, or energy (or money for that matter) to waste on people that makes me feel like shit - I must learn to let go.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sins of the Father
Towards the end of April I had dinner with my aunt (the younger sister of my father) and it was a rather strange affair considering that I haven't seen her since my grandfathers funeral four years ago.
My father and his sibling used to be very close and I always had fond memories of this woman who was warm and affectionate. Describing their relations as strained nowadays would be an under-statement - they haven't spoken for almost 4 years and if it wasn't the passing of my grandfathers I don't think they would've seen each other for a much longer time. Both embody the classic family trait of headstrong, stubborn and unforgiving, the same traits that allowed members of the extended family to flourish during the worst of times in China and now practically conquering Southern Africa.
For the most part - without taking sides the simple truth is that within the struggle for power that ensured in the DRC my dad and uncle lost whilst my aunt won. My dad is bitter that he lost and to be fair my father is acting like a kid because of it.
This meeting was long overdue, for the most part I still hold this aunt in high regard partially because I was the youngest and partially because out of the all the grandchildren I was the most loved. So sitting for breakfast at the Pivot Hotel in Monte Casino waiting for my aunt was an unusual feeling of anticipation and sadness I wondered "How did our family get to this point? That meeting a favourite aunt needed to be treaded so carefully."
Regardless, soon after her arrival the conversation went quickly and rather painfully - she appealed to me to forget whatever happened between her and her elder brother, that whatever happens between them is between them and shouldn't having any bearing on what our relationship should be like.
To me that comment can be rather disingenuous - as the main benefactor to my fathers fortunes her gain was my loss (a huge one at that) and setting the precedence that I have to be careful around this woman. I also have no doubt that my cousins will also have their guards up around me due to my father - the seeds of distrust has been sown.
No, dear Aunty - sins of the father will pass one from generation to generation. If our family were the forgiving type we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I will continue to remember you as that kind and generous woman that has greeted me whenever I was in Hong Kong, but things will never be the same again between us, I will always be careful around you from now on. For that I'm truly sad.
My father and his sibling used to be very close and I always had fond memories of this woman who was warm and affectionate. Describing their relations as strained nowadays would be an under-statement - they haven't spoken for almost 4 years and if it wasn't the passing of my grandfathers I don't think they would've seen each other for a much longer time. Both embody the classic family trait of headstrong, stubborn and unforgiving, the same traits that allowed members of the extended family to flourish during the worst of times in China and now practically conquering Southern Africa.
For the most part - without taking sides the simple truth is that within the struggle for power that ensured in the DRC my dad and uncle lost whilst my aunt won. My dad is bitter that he lost and to be fair my father is acting like a kid because of it.
This meeting was long overdue, for the most part I still hold this aunt in high regard partially because I was the youngest and partially because out of the all the grandchildren I was the most loved. So sitting for breakfast at the Pivot Hotel in Monte Casino waiting for my aunt was an unusual feeling of anticipation and sadness I wondered "How did our family get to this point? That meeting a favourite aunt needed to be treaded so carefully."
Regardless, soon after her arrival the conversation went quickly and rather painfully - she appealed to me to forget whatever happened between her and her elder brother, that whatever happens between them is between them and shouldn't having any bearing on what our relationship should be like.
To me that comment can be rather disingenuous - as the main benefactor to my fathers fortunes her gain was my loss (a huge one at that) and setting the precedence that I have to be careful around this woman. I also have no doubt that my cousins will also have their guards up around me due to my father - the seeds of distrust has been sown.
No, dear Aunty - sins of the father will pass one from generation to generation. If our family were the forgiving type we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I will continue to remember you as that kind and generous woman that has greeted me whenever I was in Hong Kong, but things will never be the same again between us, I will always be careful around you from now on. For that I'm truly sad.
Friday, June 10, 2011
CFA Level 2 Exams and Beyond
I wrote the Chartered Financial Analyst Exams last Saturday - two years after I wrote and passed Level 1 on my first attempt. It was a really strange experience and thinking back I had so much riding on that exam.
After a 6 month job search the best I could manage was a position as a Researcher in a glorified call center - doing cold calls. Little more than 2 months working I quit the job citing the slow destruction of my pride and sanity. Impulsively I convinced myself that the one way that I was going to salvage that year was to write and pass the first CFA exams. So 2 days before the final registration date I paid a hefty sum of US$1080 and started studying vigorously. The idea was to spend the next 3 months studying for the exam.
I performed very poorly at university - achieving very low marks and just managing to scrap a pass for every subject despite being one of the most engaging student in my lectures (well, the ones that I bothered going to). During that time I never doubted my abilities, merely my motivation for a degree that my parents forced upon me.
But for that exam I was completely driven - I knew that if I was to fail in this endeavour then one of two conclusions could've been draw: 1: I lack potential to succeed. 2. I lack the temperament to succeed at crucial moments. In either case the conclusion would've been that I was FAR from exceptional - a conclusion that I was MORE than willing to accept at that point in time. After spending almost 2 months being completely locked up in my house and room studying over 12 hours a day - I wrote and passed the exam comfortably achieving 75%+ for 8 out of the 9 sections. That exam partially helped me to believe in myself again - but this time round it was very different mentality that I wrote the level 2 exam.
Level 2 I registered because I felt I needed to improve my credentials and continue my growth - but realised a month later that I made the wrong decision considering that my career path has been moving further and further away from Financial Markets and Asset Management. Regardless I felt that it was great life lesson in perseverance, time management and generally life management. Since this time round I would be writing this exam while working a full time job with chaotic and volatile work hours. The studying didn't go as well as I hoped it would due to all manners of distractions - as well as having my study leave (week before the exam) cancelled in the last minute due to pressing matters. The likelihood of me passing this time round is about as good as me winning the lottery (too many questions guessed).
Comparing myself to the lost kid 2 years ago, without any idea what he wants in life, where he wants to go and who he is. I've come a long long way. Now, I KIND of know what I want in life, I have a VAGUE definition of what happiness is and a very foggy idea of how I would achieve it. If there is one thing I know about myself is that I'm a stubborn asshole that has my sight on a target I just don't let go.
This time round, I will be steadfast, I will be strong, I BELIEVE in myself and I WILL succeed in whatever life throws at me.
After a 6 month job search the best I could manage was a position as a Researcher in a glorified call center - doing cold calls. Little more than 2 months working I quit the job citing the slow destruction of my pride and sanity. Impulsively I convinced myself that the one way that I was going to salvage that year was to write and pass the first CFA exams. So 2 days before the final registration date I paid a hefty sum of US$1080 and started studying vigorously. The idea was to spend the next 3 months studying for the exam.
I performed very poorly at university - achieving very low marks and just managing to scrap a pass for every subject despite being one of the most engaging student in my lectures (well, the ones that I bothered going to). During that time I never doubted my abilities, merely my motivation for a degree that my parents forced upon me.
But for that exam I was completely driven - I knew that if I was to fail in this endeavour then one of two conclusions could've been draw: 1: I lack potential to succeed. 2. I lack the temperament to succeed at crucial moments. In either case the conclusion would've been that I was FAR from exceptional - a conclusion that I was MORE than willing to accept at that point in time. After spending almost 2 months being completely locked up in my house and room studying over 12 hours a day - I wrote and passed the exam comfortably achieving 75%+ for 8 out of the 9 sections. That exam partially helped me to believe in myself again - but this time round it was very different mentality that I wrote the level 2 exam.
Level 2 I registered because I felt I needed to improve my credentials and continue my growth - but realised a month later that I made the wrong decision considering that my career path has been moving further and further away from Financial Markets and Asset Management. Regardless I felt that it was great life lesson in perseverance, time management and generally life management. Since this time round I would be writing this exam while working a full time job with chaotic and volatile work hours. The studying didn't go as well as I hoped it would due to all manners of distractions - as well as having my study leave (week before the exam) cancelled in the last minute due to pressing matters. The likelihood of me passing this time round is about as good as me winning the lottery (too many questions guessed).
Comparing myself to the lost kid 2 years ago, without any idea what he wants in life, where he wants to go and who he is. I've come a long long way. Now, I KIND of know what I want in life, I have a VAGUE definition of what happiness is and a very foggy idea of how I would achieve it. If there is one thing I know about myself is that I'm a stubborn asshole that has my sight on a target I just don't let go.
This time round, I will be steadfast, I will be strong, I BELIEVE in myself and I WILL succeed in whatever life throws at me.
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