Originally Published 9th August 2007
I enjoy running. Or at least, at one stage in my life despite being one of the worst long distance runners I know, I have somehow always enjoyed it. At first the pain seem unbearable, but after a while time seem to loose it meaning, your legs numb and seem to continue moving by itself. The mental state that is sometimes addictive and I personally contribute as the single biggest reason I loved running.
Long distance drives has a similar effect on me, but in different ways. My perception of the horizon slowly changes and colours seem to take on a different meaning. The feeling is almost spiritual, as if the Heaven's Lights shone just on me for that instant.
I was driving in a mountainous terrain just before dawn, had been driving for almost eight hours non-stop through the night, I was exhausted but at the same time uplifted. Every cold morning breath I breathed in revived me as much as watching the sun dawning through the thick fog. Beams of light broke through the fog and right in front of my eyes the mountain range around me reveals itself. For the crescendo I watched the sun rise above the mountains, a hundred times larger than I remembered it to be. It's rays filtered by the fog was gentle and I looked upon this object of a thousand shades of white, yellow, orange and red. This scene was beautiful beyond words and I felt the urge to stop and worship this perfectly explainable phenomenon
Mindless driving seems to calm me down. Something inside of me settles down. It calms the restlessness in me and I look within myself during that time. Someday, I feel as if I should just drive the old Merc down one road and just carry on driving. Forgetting about possible aspirations and ambitions, at the same time forget about problems and anxieties.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
她從來都沒有愛過我
我記得幾個月前我看到張小嫻在面書（Facebook)上寫過這一句：
”世界上最遙遠的距離. 不是生與死. 而是我就站在你面前. 你卻不知道我愛你“
這句話我覺得形容我剛剛追安娜的時候的感覺，讀了這一句話我又開始心酸了。
但是其實我是在自欺欺人，因為我知道她不傻。至少沒有我一開始想像中是那麼天真。她很清楚的了解我對她的意思，她把我玩於指掌；但是我也是心甘情願。
那天當我第一次親她之後的那一瞬間，我悟覺到了一個現實：“她永遠都不會愛我的”
但我並不介意，在那一刻我意識到了我未來的痛苦同時了解到了另一個事實：“我是真的愛上了她”
當時的我只希望每一份每一刻都在她的身旁，繼續擁抱著我的美夢繼續這一份我明知不可能的追求。
我可能只是她平衡心理的一個犧牲品,但我自己何嘗沒有做過類似的事？
可能她當時也試過愛我，也想愛我。
我也估計她說會我是神經病；說我們根本就沒有開始過，也許她是對的。但這不改變我曾經把心和靈魂雙手供奉，並不改變我是真的受傷了。
現實是經過所有一切： ”她從來都沒有愛過我“
English Translation:
I remembered that few months ago the novelist Zhang Xiao Xing wrote on facebook: "The greatest distance is not the distance between life and death, rather that I'm standing right in front of you and you don't know that I loved you"
When I first read that line, my heart-ached a while thinking how that was I felt when I first started chasing Anna.
But that is a lie, she isn't stupid. At least she isn't that naive, she knew my feelings and played me on the palm of her hands.
I was then reminded the moment of our first kiss, how in a moment of sudden brilliant clarity I knew: "She will never love me."
I also recalled how at that point that I don't mind and came to the conclusion that: "I have truly fallen in love with this woman"
That time I just wanted to spend every moment with her, chasing a dream that I knew will never be; because I was happy.
I was just a sacrifice at the alter of her broken heart, who am I to judge? Have I not done the same?
Maybe she did try to love me at one stage， wanted to love me.
She will most probably call me delusional, that we never even started and maybe she is right. But that doesn't change the fact that I present my heart and soul to her and the reality of the pain.
After everything, the simple truth was that "She never loved me"
”世界上最遙遠的距離. 不是生與死. 而是我就站在你面前. 你卻不知道我愛你“
這句話我覺得形容我剛剛追安娜的時候的感覺，讀了這一句話我又開始心酸了。
但是其實我是在自欺欺人，因為我知道她不傻。至少沒有我一開始想像中是那麼天真。她很清楚的了解我對她的意思，她把我玩於指掌；但是我也是心甘情願。
那天當我第一次親她之後的那一瞬間，我悟覺到了一個現實：“她永遠都不會愛我的”
但我並不介意，在那一刻我意識到了我未來的痛苦同時了解到了另一個事實：“我是真的愛上了她”
當時的我只希望每一份每一刻都在她的身旁，繼續擁抱著我的美夢繼續這一份我明知不可能的追求。
我可能只是她平衡心理的一個犧牲品,但我自己何嘗沒有做過類似的事？
可能她當時也試過愛我，也想愛我。
我也估計她說會我是神經病；說我們根本就沒有開始過，也許她是對的。但這不改變我曾經把心和靈魂雙手供奉，並不改變我是真的受傷了。
現實是經過所有一切： ”她從來都沒有愛過我“
English Translation:
I remembered that few months ago the novelist Zhang Xiao Xing wrote on facebook: "The greatest distance is not the distance between life and death, rather that I'm standing right in front of you and you don't know that I loved you"
When I first read that line, my heart-ached a while thinking how that was I felt when I first started chasing Anna.
But that is a lie, she isn't stupid. At least she isn't that naive, she knew my feelings and played me on the palm of her hands.
I was then reminded the moment of our first kiss, how in a moment of sudden brilliant clarity I knew: "She will never love me."
I also recalled how at that point that I don't mind and came to the conclusion that: "I have truly fallen in love with this woman"
That time I just wanted to spend every moment with her, chasing a dream that I knew will never be; because I was happy.
I was just a sacrifice at the alter of her broken heart, who am I to judge? Have I not done the same?
Maybe she did try to love me at one stage， wanted to love me.
She will most probably call me delusional, that we never even started and maybe she is right. But that doesn't change the fact that I present my heart and soul to her and the reality of the pain.
After everything, the simple truth was that "She never loved me"
Monday, January 17, 2011
Update on Fitness
Since November 2009, I have been engaged on a full fitness program that involves me running on a treadmill, a lot.
Now almost 14 months later these are basically the results:
* Body Fat index has dropped from around 35% to 21%
* Lost over 11.5kg (Started at 98kg and now a 86.5)
* Cholesterol has dropped by almost 0.3 points
* Blood Pressure is mostly in the "perfect zone" of 120/60
* VO2 Max (according to my heart rate monitor) has gone from 31 to 52.
* Went from a size 38 pant size to now a perfect 34.
The more subjective indicators has shown that I have drastically improved my muscle definition, particularly on my legs, but I'm excited to see that I can see clear definitions on my arms, shoulders as well as abdominal areas - though they tend to be rather limited at this stage. The man-boobs that has caused much self-conscious has been drastically reduced but still a point of embarrassment for me.
I started in November 2009 setting myself the very lofty goal of weighing less than 83kg - the weight category that I fought my first Judo National Championships in. Though I weighed closer to 79kg then, I wanted to return to that category.
That goals seems so ideal at the time, now I'm going to have to redefine that goal in a combination of indicators and not only pant size and weight alone. I have gained tremendous amounts of muscle mass in my legs, and while my waistline will most probably continue to shrink using that as an indicator might be counter-productive.
When I first started, I only cared about spending A LOT of time on the treadmill doing cardio, I forgone any form of cross training and thinking back now it was a huge mistake. I started off well with stretching but lately I have been lax in that department and is not as flexible as I was 6 month ago. Diet wise I feel that I've achieve the right balance...except for the alcohol consumption in recent months, but I suspect with my own emotional turmoil settling down so should that... I think.
Now I try cross train and rotate between: Boxing, Running, Weights, Swimming. I take the occasional protein shake meal replacement for supper when I'm not able to cook properly. Focus on more efficient training will be a priority as my time has become more demanding since I started.
Without all that being said here are the objectives for the next 6 months in no particular order:
* Weight Reduction by 5kg
* Body Fat Index by another 7%
* Reduce the waistline by another size
* Improve flexibility
These are rather ambitious goals, but attainable within that kind of time frame. My vanity also wishes that by this time in June, I would be able to get rid of my man-boobs once and for all.
Now almost 14 months later these are basically the results:
* Body Fat index has dropped from around 35% to 21%
* Lost over 11.5kg (Started at 98kg and now a 86.5)
* Cholesterol has dropped by almost 0.3 points
* Blood Pressure is mostly in the "perfect zone" of 120/60
* VO2 Max (according to my heart rate monitor) has gone from 31 to 52.
* Went from a size 38 pant size to now a perfect 34.
The more subjective indicators has shown that I have drastically improved my muscle definition, particularly on my legs, but I'm excited to see that I can see clear definitions on my arms, shoulders as well as abdominal areas - though they tend to be rather limited at this stage. The man-boobs that has caused much self-conscious has been drastically reduced but still a point of embarrassment for me.
I started in November 2009 setting myself the very lofty goal of weighing less than 83kg - the weight category that I fought my first Judo National Championships in. Though I weighed closer to 79kg then, I wanted to return to that category.
That goals seems so ideal at the time, now I'm going to have to redefine that goal in a combination of indicators and not only pant size and weight alone. I have gained tremendous amounts of muscle mass in my legs, and while my waistline will most probably continue to shrink using that as an indicator might be counter-productive.
When I first started, I only cared about spending A LOT of time on the treadmill doing cardio, I forgone any form of cross training and thinking back now it was a huge mistake. I started off well with stretching but lately I have been lax in that department and is not as flexible as I was 6 month ago. Diet wise I feel that I've achieve the right balance...except for the alcohol consumption in recent months, but I suspect with my own emotional turmoil settling down so should that... I think.
Now I try cross train and rotate between: Boxing, Running, Weights, Swimming. I take the occasional protein shake meal replacement for supper when I'm not able to cook properly. Focus on more efficient training will be a priority as my time has become more demanding since I started.
Without all that being said here are the objectives for the next 6 months in no particular order:
* Weight Reduction by 5kg
* Body Fat Index by another 7%
* Reduce the waistline by another size
* Improve flexibility
These are rather ambitious goals, but attainable within that kind of time frame. My vanity also wishes that by this time in June, I would be able to get rid of my man-boobs once and for all.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
"Woman do be Crazy"
I have had an interesting couple of months recently.
It seems lately I have gotten myself into one woman trouble to another in quick secessions and without really understanding how I managed to get here in the first place. While I do enjoy having a few of my friends reading this blog nowadays, I'm now also a little timid to write some of the very personal messed up shit here.
But in one such episode, I was set up by a Chinese family friend who wanted to introduce me to a girl that he thought I would "hit it off with." Much to my surprise, I did. She is an interesting person - open minded, spontaneous, and lots of fun. We chatted for hours during our first meeting and realised that there was a mutual attraction. But at the end of the day, she is just here in SA for a year and I just wasn't ready. Before long it was obvious to everyone around that she was very interested and I still remained reserved - after one incident she finally made an ultimatum and asked what she is to me. I answered as truthfully as I can - I don't know, yet. I treat her like a really good friend. Afterwards she didn't bring it up again.
"That's her boyfriend"
Someone told me couple of weeks later I was both surprised and hurt. When I inquired a bit further I she basically lined me and someone else up and when I didn't commit she moved onto number 2. I don't deny that at first all I felt was my ego being deflated, but a week after the initial shock and injured pride I thought to myself today "What the Fuck?" People wonder why I have trust issues. Here I called myself an ass hole because I thought I had hurt her feelings by not committing. She still wouldn't let me know that she already found herself another boyfriend.
I'm reminded of the one joke made by Chris Rock in one of his stand-ups. "Woman don't have platonic friends. Platonic friends are like a dick in a glass jar - break in case of emergencies."
Ladies, please be nice - I never had much trust in me to start off with. But I really do feel that you guys are starting to crush the very little I had in the first place.
EDIT: A few friends commented why I'm so pissed off at the girls response to my obvious rejection. Well, I guess I'm just being a stupid romantic this time round. I don't want to believe that you can genuinely like someone and then move onto Option B without batting an eyelash. In one sense I'm just disappointed that humans (in this case members of the fairer sex) can do that so easily. Guess the cynic in me has returned and is wondering what I'm fussing about in the first place.
MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: Kill the romantic and long live the cynic.
It seems lately I have gotten myself into one woman trouble to another in quick secessions and without really understanding how I managed to get here in the first place. While I do enjoy having a few of my friends reading this blog nowadays, I'm now also a little timid to write some of the very personal messed up shit here.
But in one such episode, I was set up by a Chinese family friend who wanted to introduce me to a girl that he thought I would "hit it off with." Much to my surprise, I did. She is an interesting person - open minded, spontaneous, and lots of fun. We chatted for hours during our first meeting and realised that there was a mutual attraction. But at the end of the day, she is just here in SA for a year and I just wasn't ready. Before long it was obvious to everyone around that she was very interested and I still remained reserved - after one incident she finally made an ultimatum and asked what she is to me. I answered as truthfully as I can - I don't know, yet. I treat her like a really good friend. Afterwards she didn't bring it up again.
"That's her boyfriend"
Someone told me couple of weeks later I was both surprised and hurt. When I inquired a bit further I she basically lined me and someone else up and when I didn't commit she moved onto number 2. I don't deny that at first all I felt was my ego being deflated, but a week after the initial shock and injured pride I thought to myself today "What the Fuck?" People wonder why I have trust issues. Here I called myself an ass hole because I thought I had hurt her feelings by not committing. She still wouldn't let me know that she already found herself another boyfriend.
I'm reminded of the one joke made by Chris Rock in one of his stand-ups. "Woman don't have platonic friends. Platonic friends are like a dick in a glass jar - break in case of emergencies."
Ladies, please be nice - I never had much trust in me to start off with. But I really do feel that you guys are starting to crush the very little I had in the first place.
EDIT: A few friends commented why I'm so pissed off at the girls response to my obvious rejection. Well, I guess I'm just being a stupid romantic this time round. I don't want to believe that you can genuinely like someone and then move onto Option B without batting an eyelash. In one sense I'm just disappointed that humans (in this case members of the fairer sex) can do that so easily. Guess the cynic in me has returned and is wondering what I'm fussing about in the first place.
MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: Kill the romantic and long live the cynic.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Reflections on 2010
It's that time of the year again where we all look back at the year and reflect on things that we all have and haven't done.
This year was a very interesting year, it started of pretty badly with one of the worst New Years bashes that I can safely remember. For my Chinese friends out there you will understand what I mean when I say it didn't bode well for 2010. For one thing 2009 was possibly the worst year of my short existence and I really needed a new beginning. How bad was 2009 for me? Well suffice to say that I wouldn't liked to have met me towards the end of 2009 because I was just one big arsehole.
2010, this number still seem so new to me, like I never had the opportunity to really let the year sink into my consciousness and in some way I guess it's an indication of just how high-strung and fast pace this year has been for me.
But at the same time 2010 was probably one of the best days of my life thus far.
It has been true roller coaster ride of emotions - great moments of sorrow, excitement, happiness, content, disappointment, depression, heart break and grief. I got my first real job - it has been fun, challenging and all round stress. My mother passed away - a great maelstrom of grief, relief and confusion - goodbye mother.
I made a lot of new friends - something that I haven't done and haven't really needed to do in a long time. Looking back now I'm very surprised by the type of company that I've chosen to keep.
For the first time I presented my heart and soul to someone on a silver platter - but she didn't even realised that I did, or truly appreciated how momentous it was for me. Then again to be fair, neither did I until the end - here I learnt the meaning of inconsolable.
2010 has been my finest hour, it has forever redefined me in ways that I will continue to discover. I'm not naive enough to think that the experiences of the last year made me stronger or better - that would just be a rationalisation. It has merely changed me, I "weathered" the storm and come out a different person.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you here that has been part of 2010. Some of you I will forever be grateful for. Others I would like to thank you for your best of intentions, but just to say that you have no idea how close you were to being beaten to a bloody pulp. Still, I guess intentions count towards something and so - I salute you all.
Lastly to that certain someone, I can never hate you or really hold a grudge but damn you for what you did to me, for without trying or knowing you have changed me into someone that I once hated. There is one thing that I can thank you for without any sarcasm and or ill intent - because to me it has now become a simple fact (even if it's only my continued delusions):
I can do better.
This year was a very interesting year, it started of pretty badly with one of the worst New Years bashes that I can safely remember. For my Chinese friends out there you will understand what I mean when I say it didn't bode well for 2010. For one thing 2009 was possibly the worst year of my short existence and I really needed a new beginning. How bad was 2009 for me? Well suffice to say that I wouldn't liked to have met me towards the end of 2009 because I was just one big arsehole.
2010, this number still seem so new to me, like I never had the opportunity to really let the year sink into my consciousness and in some way I guess it's an indication of just how high-strung and fast pace this year has been for me.
But at the same time 2010 was probably one of the best days of my life thus far.
It has been true roller coaster ride of emotions - great moments of sorrow, excitement, happiness, content, disappointment, depression, heart break and grief. I got my first real job - it has been fun, challenging and all round stress. My mother passed away - a great maelstrom of grief, relief and confusion - goodbye mother.
I made a lot of new friends - something that I haven't done and haven't really needed to do in a long time. Looking back now I'm very surprised by the type of company that I've chosen to keep.
For the first time I presented my heart and soul to someone on a silver platter - but she didn't even realised that I did, or truly appreciated how momentous it was for me. Then again to be fair, neither did I until the end - here I learnt the meaning of inconsolable.
2010 has been my finest hour, it has forever redefined me in ways that I will continue to discover. I'm not naive enough to think that the experiences of the last year made me stronger or better - that would just be a rationalisation. It has merely changed me, I "weathered" the storm and come out a different person.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you here that has been part of 2010. Some of you I will forever be grateful for. Others I would like to thank you for your best of intentions, but just to say that you have no idea how close you were to being beaten to a bloody pulp. Still, I guess intentions count towards something and so - I salute you all.
Lastly to that certain someone, I can never hate you or really hold a grudge but damn you for what you did to me, for without trying or knowing you have changed me into someone that I once hated. There is one thing that I can thank you for without any sarcasm and or ill intent - because to me it has now become a simple fact (even if it's only my continued delusions):
I can do better.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Update on Life
It has been over 2 months since my last post. It's unbelievable that is has been such a long time when I wrote the previous tear soaked posts and once again I'm faced with the contridiction of it both feeling like forever and a short time.
The last 6 weeks has been relatively quiet for me...emotionally. The break through in my emotional turmoil came when I had a dream about her one night. It was a sweet dream. In it I was able to finally confront her and told her whole-heartedly that even if we can't be together I didn't want it to end in this fashion. In the dream she accepted my apology and agreed we would still be friends.
I woke that morning with a warm feeling in my chest. For about three seconds I couldn't remember why I was so happy, then it dawned on me. The utter despair that followed was indescribable. That night I wrote an email to her, telling her the same things I remember saying to her in my dreams in hopes of a similar result.
Unbelievably the next day I woke up feeling even worse. I torturned myself on my own weakness and breaking my own rules, again. Luckily that morning I was scheduled to see the shrink again and much to my surprise he commended me on finally being able to let go of my own stubborness and that he feels that what I did was absolutely correct. That small bit of support was all I needed.
It was from that point on that I felt my spirit lifted. I realised that he was right, what was torturing me for so long was the idea that I just screwed up one of the most important relationships that I have ever come across in my life because of my own ego and pride. That I was the one who told her that I didn't want to see her again...not the other way around.
From that day onwards I made several other attempts to contact her, but they were all fruitless as she neither answer my calls nor my messages. Sunday I finally wrote to her in an email that ended
"Goodbye, for the second and final time. I won't try to contact you again."
She seems to have made up her mind to never see me again and so I won't keep trying. I promptly deleted her contact details, removed her on facebook and I'm finally dealing with the idea that she is now a closed chapter on my life.
Am I feeling depressed because of it? Of course I am. For the last 8 weeks my mind has been able to control my emotions and been keeping it contained. Lately I have the luxury to let it out once in a while and let myself mourn this particular relationship. I realised that until now it has been self-loathing that I have been doing. After this I will truly move on. The intensity has already starting to fade.
The last 6 weeks has been relatively quiet for me...emotionally. The break through in my emotional turmoil came when I had a dream about her one night. It was a sweet dream. In it I was able to finally confront her and told her whole-heartedly that even if we can't be together I didn't want it to end in this fashion. In the dream she accepted my apology and agreed we would still be friends.
I woke that morning with a warm feeling in my chest. For about three seconds I couldn't remember why I was so happy, then it dawned on me. The utter despair that followed was indescribable. That night I wrote an email to her, telling her the same things I remember saying to her in my dreams in hopes of a similar result.
Unbelievably the next day I woke up feeling even worse. I torturned myself on my own weakness and breaking my own rules, again. Luckily that morning I was scheduled to see the shrink again and much to my surprise he commended me on finally being able to let go of my own stubborness and that he feels that what I did was absolutely correct. That small bit of support was all I needed.
It was from that point on that I felt my spirit lifted. I realised that he was right, what was torturing me for so long was the idea that I just screwed up one of the most important relationships that I have ever come across in my life because of my own ego and pride. That I was the one who told her that I didn't want to see her again...not the other way around.
From that day onwards I made several other attempts to contact her, but they were all fruitless as she neither answer my calls nor my messages. Sunday I finally wrote to her in an email that ended
"Goodbye, for the second and final time. I won't try to contact you again."
She seems to have made up her mind to never see me again and so I won't keep trying. I promptly deleted her contact details, removed her on facebook and I'm finally dealing with the idea that she is now a closed chapter on my life.
Am I feeling depressed because of it? Of course I am. For the last 8 weeks my mind has been able to control my emotions and been keeping it contained. Lately I have the luxury to let it out once in a while and let myself mourn this particular relationship. I realised that until now it has been self-loathing that I have been doing. After this I will truly move on. The intensity has already starting to fade.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Missing Her
The first time I read Murakami Haruki's "Norwegian Wood" I was completely blown away by the first chapter - that he could inspire such an incredible sense of nostalgia by painting a picture of such vivid beauty and then ended the chapter by breaking all our hearts with the sentence "Because Naoko never loved me."
Now almost two years after reading the book I have gained a whole new appreciation for that chapter. The parrallel between the characters in the story and my own drama is almost uncanny - and re-reading the book today feels like my heart is broken once again...for umpteenth time.
I really miss her, her smile, laugh words, company and presence is all I crave for every day. But much like Toru I realised now, maybe always have that she doesn't love me and never will. Yet I can't stop myself from loving her. My chat with JC gave me a new perspective, that maybe I just need to accept the fact that I will probably always love her and that regardless of what happens live with the fact that she will hold a very special place in my heart.
Now almost two years after reading the book I have gained a whole new appreciation for that chapter. The parrallel between the characters in the story and my own drama is almost uncanny - and re-reading the book today feels like my heart is broken once again...for umpteenth time.
I really miss her, her smile, laugh words, company and presence is all I crave for every day. But much like Toru I realised now, maybe always have that she doesn't love me and never will. Yet I can't stop myself from loving her. My chat with JC gave me a new perspective, that maybe I just need to accept the fact that I will probably always love her and that regardless of what happens live with the fact that she will hold a very special place in my heart.
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