Uncontrollabe Rage

Currently I'm feeling this strangely powerful urge to unleash my anger upon a certain someone, I felt like she has made my life into an unbearable misery in the last few weeks; but when I stop to think about it I can't seem to truly isolate a reason for me actually hating her. I mean there were instances where I felt (dare I use the word) violated by her dumb-witted betrayal. But then she isn't the first and I doubt she will be the last.
 
On the other hand she is a sweet thing, clueless bordering on innocent; selfish in ways that only a child could be. I trusted that innocence and lowered my defenses - big mistake. She once describes me as someone who will show weakness when I'm drunk and when I say drunk I meant totally and utterly smashed out of my bracket on scales that has only happened on a number of occasions and so when she revealed so much to others I felt a rage like I have never felt before. Some so trivial but at the same time offers so much insight into my very soul that I felt so naked, so vulnerable and so damn ashamed.

It has been two weeks since and the initial heat has subsided but I can barely see her without reigniting parts of that rage, my default position is then to look within my own psyche to find Freudian reasons for my uncontrollable and unending rage - immediately I tried the polar opposite: I might be madly in love with her without realising it and over time it has warped itself into another form - hate. The idea was quickly dismissed partially because I REALLY don't like that conclusion and partially it was so crazy that I think I'm over-thinking things...again. Am I such a cliche?

...and I want to

I'm fine alone if I have to...but I don't want to

"Will Never Ever Never Ever Be Lonely" - Zhang Xiao Xian

Nobody likes being along, whenever I was alone by myself I feel depressed, plagued by the thought that maybe I'm unwanted and alone because I have no other choice.

So in recent days I kept myself busy, occupied and permanently surrounded by people and I have grown accustomed to this sort of lifestyle. But, a combination of work and personal matters (all round) exhausted me and for the first time that I can safely recall - I hungered to be left alone to my own devices for a while. At first I worried that maybe this was a bad idea - loneliness can be overwhelming and perhaps it will do me more harm than good.

Much to my surprise it wasn't a problem, I was alone but I wasn't lonely. I chose to be alone and somehow it made it all better. Sure I over-think everything in life as it is evident here on this blog but after being on my own devices for a short while I stop thinking much about anything. I really do believe that maybe choosing to be alone was what made all the difference. I suspect that recently I've kept company that has done me more harm than good just purely to avoid being by myself.

I'm fine alone if I have to... and I want to. At least for now.

Just Friends

In the supremely unlikely event that there is a god, he is a capricious and cruel one, the week that I decided to fully focus on my career and long term life goals (aka making money) and just sit out of the battle of the sexes, that very weekend I found myself completely bowled over by someone and found myself back into the game...this time with competition.

Most people in the world don't like to lose, I take an extreme view that if I do take part in anything I play to win (except when there are ulterior motives). I particularly hate competitions where what I do can't influence the outcome. Which is why this stupid game of courtship and dating is so damn nerve wrecking for me. I can handle defeat, at least handle it better than most people believe. What I can't handle is being thrown in a situation where I'm helpless - where there was never anything that I could've done at all to influence the outcome. The short version of this paragraph is that I hated feeling helpless while I watch the object of my affection being wooed by someone else.

I have since decided to (on more than one occasion) take a step back, but each time I found myself strangely drawn to this game where the script has already been written: I'll end in tears. When I declared my intentions she gave me the standard template answer that I have grown so accustomed to hearing. "Can't we just be friends"?

The answer was a so simple and yet so complicated - No.

I have no intention of being yet another non-sexual male friend to yet another pretty girl that I more than fancy. Far worse is that if we remain friends I will have to watch the happiness that I was denied when she chose the other guy over me.

No, I won't be "just" your friend because just a friend is the ultimate raw deal.

"Break in Case of Emergency"

I have illusions in my mind that I'm irritating and difficult person to deal with, typically I mask insecurity with arrogance. I'm stubborn and hard headed and on occasions impossible to talk to. I have always known that and I have tried so hard to change myself - smooth out the rough edges. I can see that while I have come a long way - I still have miles to go and not for the first time I wonder if someone can really change.

But in my own defense I'm also the most reliable person around. When things go wrong, when you need someone to stand up and be counted I'm your man.

I'm the friend who everybody needs in case of emergencies. That's gotta count for something, right?