Can you please keep a secret...

Neither of us has made the initiative to talk to each other for better part of 2 years, I was both surprised and reluctant when she suddenly initiated a conversation when I went to talk to B

"Can you please keep a secret"

I was intrigued at first and when she told me that she has managed to get her husband into the company; I was shocked. But the coup de grace was that she doesn't want people to know about their relationship.

Damn this is going to be awkward with him being in the office as well.

SERIOUSLY??? You want to keep your marriage to him a secret?
WHY THE FUCK would you want that or need to?
WHY THE FUCK would he agree to that?

Regardless, I smiled agreed to it.

Later she asked if she talk to me in private regarding a matter and I brushed her off saying that I'm too busy and simply carried with my day.

She eventually cornered me on Monday and so with dread in my heart I obliged to hear her out.

First thing she did was produce a box of Lindt Chocolate and then apologised. Funny thing is that I don't actually remember her exact words but I think this is what she said:

Things between us has been awkward and there are no reasons for it. If I managed to hurt or offend you in the past then please be the bigger person and forgive me (Chinese proverb). We were close friends once and I really want us to hang out again and just be friends (The absence of the word "close" friends in that sentence was not duly noted). 

I found her apology to be so disingenuous that it laughable, I told her that no apology was needed and I meant it.

I No Longer Have the Courage

B, normally by this time I would be plotting ways to win your heart, simply because it's what I do.

I can now fully admit that during my previous 2 relationships with TC and with LL that I thought about the possibility of the two of us together. The thought was quickly crushed each time. Now that I'm single, you are now back in Johannesburg, we are spending more time than ever, we share a lot of common interests and the hours spent talking about nothing and everything. Even with all that, your body language was more than curious. I would get closer, you don't retreat; but there was no sign that you want to come closer.

I can't say I was all that surprised that you turned me down. It's understandable even, so much baggage has now come between us after so long. Our respective ex's are close friends of ours.

My time with you is so reminiscence of my time with AC, such familiarity and comfort that I feel...safe? This time though the reverse is true, I'm your senior by 4 years and I'm the established one while you are the one who is busy starting.

But B, this time round I'm actually scared and also lacking the courage or will to continue your pursue. On Sunday's hike I met two incredibly attractive and incredible ladies whom I made a quick and fascinating connection with. I guess I'm trying to say that life is too short?

I want to break the cycle. Every time I found myself drawn to a female friend whom I have known well for a while and felt a strong tug on the strings of my heart, it has never ended well with me.

If it belongs to you, set it free and it come back to you

JC once told me that line, I was very skeptical but now I actually believe it; or perhaps I want to believe in it?

Rejected!

This is probably the first rejection from a girl in a while (getting dumped doesn't count) and I can't say that I'm not disappointed and feeling rather down because of it. Though I'll be honest, the reason she gave for the rejection was so original and so strange that I'm more than a little taken back.

"I don't want to revert back to being good-two-shoe" 

She seems genuine; and she never asked me to be just her friend. She never denied that she expected the question coming and she hoped that I didn't.

Going through the normal motions of post rejections and just generally trying to manage expectations of a possible change of heart. I don't expect it, but it does help to manage the disappointment.

So She Got Engaged

It was bound to happen, I mean that's the whole point why JH was a better partner than me...at least according to her.

I expected this to happen, guess I didn't expect it to happen so soon? Almost 1 year after she called it quits between us she traveled to Vegas with him and he proposed - I want to say that I'm pissed off that he proposed in Vegas where we shared some very intimate moments - but I'm not angry with that.

As with all emotions - I'm both surprised at how much I care and how little at the same time. Oh, who am I kidding the fact that I'm writing here basically means that it struck a nerve somewhere and now the maelstrom of jealousy, regret and pride keeps on inter-changing.

I...feel like I want to talk to someone but no idea where I would even begin to have this conversation. It's a complete waste of time because I know I will never get the resolution that I want.

Without any hope of resolution all I can hope to do is record this event and just mark another milestone to my life.