Around this time last year I was actually pretty darn happy, I have no doubt that after the event I have romanticised the 2 weeks in Taiwan and one week in HK with TC; but to the best of my ability I want to reflect on that first night.
Despite all else I couldn't help but think to myself that night: "this has to be the most romantic nights of my life." I use the word romantic here since I can't find a more suitable word. Cycling on the empty road with her as she describes each individual landmark and their significance to her. I was mesmerised: cool air in my face, the smell of a new city and the simple pleasure of just following behind her.
I was happy.
Today, after a 3 hour long session to conclude a doomed project I felt really emotionally drained and I thought to myself - "this time last year I was in Taiwan" and promptly felt depressed because of it. Not because of the doomed relationship associations but because I thought back to the bike ride. Less than 5min into the thought I was also reminded just how much more happier my life currently is compared to 12 months ago.
For starters thanks to the exchange rate, I net significantly more than double my pay 12 months ago; and thanks to a series of events that was kick started due to my inner turmoil 9 months ago I can expect to get promoted and potentially get another significant increase in pay in the next 6 months. I'm top of my game, even if my company isn't.
I was actually involved in another relationship for almost 4 months, I ended it a month ago. LL, an UCT graduate and the ex of a old classmate of mine. She really liked me, but I guess I just needed a surrogate?
So am I happier than 12 months ago? Who knows, I certainly am not a good judgement of my own happiness since I never seem to hold onto happiness when I had it in my hands. Happiness like the sands of time seems to keep slipping between my fingers...
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
The Worst Negotiation Ever
Honestly, today's negotiation couldn't have gone worse.
The meeting invite was sent with the subject: "We're not leaving that room without a signature" and the last time that a meeting request was sent out, both teams stayed from 10am till 2am the following day.
Luckily for me I wasn't part of the previous meeting but I imagined it would probably have gone the same way and so I had a hearty lunch and prepared myself mentally the same way I would before a marathon. I walked into the meeting thinking that was going to be long, mentally draining exercise that would require all the mental and physical stamina that I have at my disposal. I was correct, just not in the way that I expected.
Both company heads (or in the clients side a representative) walked into the meeting along with the heavyweights from each department: legal, finance, commercials, and myself representing operations. Similar representation from the other side and I thought to myself "let the games begin".
Within 60 minutes, the heavyweights from the other side left for various reasons and everything went downhill quickly. What was verbally agreed between the heads of both companies was suddenly reversed and we found ourselves staring at an agreement that was alien to myself and the Contract Manager (we wrote the entire contract between us).
The only non-negotiable item that they have been silent on for the last 3 months was taken out of the contract and I found myself fighting a battle that I was unprepared for - since I wasn't expecting them to. The next 4 hours was worthy of an Shakespearean Soliloquy since both sides refused to budge on that one single point and defended their positions with incredible eloquence and logic.
I find myself drained emotionally and was getting more than a little emotional; I was ashamed to say that each time my tempers boiled it was quickly quelled by either the big boss or the Contract Manager, JM. Both veteran in these boardrooms. The big boss asked me at point blank whether it's possible for us to fold on this point and I maintained my position - "this is not negotiable!"
I no longer have no doubt that this meeting was a set up; the whole thing was a trap. The big wigs from the other side agreed verbally to our suggestions and we walked in thinking it was just mere formality and that the correct legal wording was all that was needed. Then the decision makers quickly left the meeting and never returned despite promises to do so and then refuted all verbal agreements over the phone when we tried to reach them. They then took the position that they knew we would never agree to - pommel us until we submit or until we had enough and just end the negotiations. Eventually by 7pm we did the latter and I suspect that was the objective: to blame us for the breakdown in negotiations and any eventual fallout if an agreement was not met within the next 24 hours deadline.
Our suspicion they have finally came to the startling conclusion that their house of cards are coming down on top of their heads and they need a scape goat. On a personal front that's fine, again nothing personal merely business and they were merely looking after their own interests. However, if the big boss was to fold this time round I think I can turn in my resignation when my contract comes to an end. If they choose to fight this, I would fight with all strength even if it's a losing battle; but if he betrays our team again for the second time, then I see no future in staying.
The meeting invite was sent with the subject: "We're not leaving that room without a signature" and the last time that a meeting request was sent out, both teams stayed from 10am till 2am the following day.
Luckily for me I wasn't part of the previous meeting but I imagined it would probably have gone the same way and so I had a hearty lunch and prepared myself mentally the same way I would before a marathon. I walked into the meeting thinking that was going to be long, mentally draining exercise that would require all the mental and physical stamina that I have at my disposal. I was correct, just not in the way that I expected.
Both company heads (or in the clients side a representative) walked into the meeting along with the heavyweights from each department: legal, finance, commercials, and myself representing operations. Similar representation from the other side and I thought to myself "let the games begin".
Within 60 minutes, the heavyweights from the other side left for various reasons and everything went downhill quickly. What was verbally agreed between the heads of both companies was suddenly reversed and we found ourselves staring at an agreement that was alien to myself and the Contract Manager (we wrote the entire contract between us).
The only non-negotiable item that they have been silent on for the last 3 months was taken out of the contract and I found myself fighting a battle that I was unprepared for - since I wasn't expecting them to. The next 4 hours was worthy of an Shakespearean Soliloquy since both sides refused to budge on that one single point and defended their positions with incredible eloquence and logic.
I find myself drained emotionally and was getting more than a little emotional; I was ashamed to say that each time my tempers boiled it was quickly quelled by either the big boss or the Contract Manager, JM. Both veteran in these boardrooms. The big boss asked me at point blank whether it's possible for us to fold on this point and I maintained my position - "this is not negotiable!"
I no longer have no doubt that this meeting was a set up; the whole thing was a trap. The big wigs from the other side agreed verbally to our suggestions and we walked in thinking it was just mere formality and that the correct legal wording was all that was needed. Then the decision makers quickly left the meeting and never returned despite promises to do so and then refuted all verbal agreements over the phone when we tried to reach them. They then took the position that they knew we would never agree to - pommel us until we submit or until we had enough and just end the negotiations. Eventually by 7pm we did the latter and I suspect that was the objective: to blame us for the breakdown in negotiations and any eventual fallout if an agreement was not met within the next 24 hours deadline.
Our suspicion they have finally came to the startling conclusion that their house of cards are coming down on top of their heads and they need a scape goat. On a personal front that's fine, again nothing personal merely business and they were merely looking after their own interests. However, if the big boss was to fold this time round I think I can turn in my resignation when my contract comes to an end. If they choose to fight this, I would fight with all strength even if it's a losing battle; but if he betrays our team again for the second time, then I see no future in staying.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
So I turned the big 30 yesterday
Honestly the only real significance of turning 30 is due to mass media brainwashing - the arbitrary number of revolutions around the sun based on the arbitrary number made significant due to a base 10 numbering system (which in term is not so arbitrarily chosen due to our 10 digits) is just crazy when one thinks about it.
So with that clumsy disclaimer of an opening paragraph I feel somewhat compelled to mark this occasion with some kind of profound reflection, which while this sentence is being structured is highly questionable.
I suppose one would reflect upon the three decade of my existence and while I'm tempted there is a matter of a letter written by the 18 year old me, to my current self with many deep questions. So I think it will be a good start to answer them.
1.) No, I'm not a virgin
2.) No, not married
3.) No children
4.) No, still haven't found the meaning to life
5.) Yes, fallen in love. Twice by my count; but contentious at the best of times
6.) Yes, moved out
7.) Yes, managed to avoid the family business, thus far
While the above 7 question was probably posted in more verbose and (I would like to think) eloquent language for a 18 year old, they are answered.
So with that clumsy disclaimer of an opening paragraph I feel somewhat compelled to mark this occasion with some kind of profound reflection, which while this sentence is being structured is highly questionable.
I suppose one would reflect upon the three decade of my existence and while I'm tempted there is a matter of a letter written by the 18 year old me, to my current self with many deep questions. So I think it will be a good start to answer them.
1.) No, I'm not a virgin
2.) No, not married
3.) No children
4.) No, still haven't found the meaning to life
5.) Yes, fallen in love. Twice by my count; but contentious at the best of times
6.) Yes, moved out
7.) Yes, managed to avoid the family business, thus far
While the above 7 question was probably posted in more verbose and (I would like to think) eloquent language for a 18 year old, they are answered.
Monday, June 17, 2013
A Horrible Hangover Experience
While the title sounds like a truism under any circumstance - my experience at the Chinese Karaoke place in China Town, Bruma rings in a similar vain to The Hangover movies.
Organised a KTV event with a few friends from UCT and managed to have a really cool time, singing, socialising and of course - drinking. As per the norm in a Chinese Karaoke you complain about the price of alcohol and question whether the whiskey is fake or real.
The two gentleman from the Huawei Sales team informs me that they're 100% convinced that EVERY bottle of whiskey that they sell is fake, including the wine and that we should just stick to beer since it's the least likely to be faked.
I voiced my skepticism and ordered a bottle of Bell's Whiskey for R470, quadruple price of a normal liquor store - but hey, there is no way that you could possibly get fake whiskey that only costs around R100 in the shops, right?
8 beers, and about 1/4 of a bottle of whiskey later the entire night was super hazy, and I ended up passing out in my car for almost 90mins before I woke up shivering. Got home threw up and forced myself to drink as much water as possible.
When I woke again I was in agony, head still spinning and rashes on my face indicative of alcohol poisoning. None of this is new to me since I have done it all before - but not for this relatively small amounts of alcohol and how hazy the last bit of the night was.
Long story for a simple conclusion. NEVER BUY WHISKEY FROM A CHINESE KARAOKE PLACE, EVER!
Organised a KTV event with a few friends from UCT and managed to have a really cool time, singing, socialising and of course - drinking. As per the norm in a Chinese Karaoke you complain about the price of alcohol and question whether the whiskey is fake or real.
The two gentleman from the Huawei Sales team informs me that they're 100% convinced that EVERY bottle of whiskey that they sell is fake, including the wine and that we should just stick to beer since it's the least likely to be faked.
I voiced my skepticism and ordered a bottle of Bell's Whiskey for R470, quadruple price of a normal liquor store - but hey, there is no way that you could possibly get fake whiskey that only costs around R100 in the shops, right?
8 beers, and about 1/4 of a bottle of whiskey later the entire night was super hazy, and I ended up passing out in my car for almost 90mins before I woke up shivering. Got home threw up and forced myself to drink as much water as possible.
When I woke again I was in agony, head still spinning and rashes on my face indicative of alcohol poisoning. None of this is new to me since I have done it all before - but not for this relatively small amounts of alcohol and how hazy the last bit of the night was.
Long story for a simple conclusion. NEVER BUY WHISKEY FROM A CHINESE KARAOKE PLACE, EVER!
Sunday, June 9, 2013
I think I Will Avoid the C's From Now On
Coincidentally - KC, AC and TC all share the same surname. I suppose it's not all that strange considering that it's the 4th most common Chinese surname; the Big 4 makes up something like 60% of the Chinese Han population and C is also the most common surname in Southern China so I guess it's not THAT big of a coincidence.
But despite that - meeting a girl whose surname is C makes me wanna run away already.
But despite that - meeting a girl whose surname is C makes me wanna run away already.
Monday, May 6, 2013
I wanted to be wrong...
There are so many many things that I want to be wrong about - but despite wishful thinking that boarders on flight of fancy the inevitable conclusion came crashing home.
Fuck you - anger boils inside me not for the first time. This white hot furnace inside of me was once all consuming an infinite positive feedback loop; is now merely a constant flame that too will burn itself out eventually.
I hate you, honestly and truthfully. It's a fine line separating love and hate and as cliche as it might sound I find myself crossing the threshold from one to the other side and I can truthfully claim that after having truly loved someone for the first time I have also grown to truly hate someone.
I loved you once, in my own way. Maybe not in the same way as TC or AC; despite all else I don't believe or felt that they actually betrayed me in any way. Oh, but sweetie, you betrayed me in a way that only a love one can. What I wanted was so easy, so simple because I forget easily and I forgive easily - because I loved you.
But whatever love that I had for you once only fuels this anger and this new found hatred. It takes a lot of energy to hate someone, something that I once wish that KC would do for me - hate me. Because if she hated me at least then I knew that I meant something to her.
I won't thank you for anything - whatever I might have owed you has long since been repaid in full with interest and more.
Sayanora~
Fuck you - anger boils inside me not for the first time. This white hot furnace inside of me was once all consuming an infinite positive feedback loop; is now merely a constant flame that too will burn itself out eventually.
I hate you, honestly and truthfully. It's a fine line separating love and hate and as cliche as it might sound I find myself crossing the threshold from one to the other side and I can truthfully claim that after having truly loved someone for the first time I have also grown to truly hate someone.
I loved you once, in my own way. Maybe not in the same way as TC or AC; despite all else I don't believe or felt that they actually betrayed me in any way. Oh, but sweetie, you betrayed me in a way that only a love one can. What I wanted was so easy, so simple because I forget easily and I forgive easily - because I loved you.
But whatever love that I had for you once only fuels this anger and this new found hatred. It takes a lot of energy to hate someone, something that I once wish that KC would do for me - hate me. Because if she hated me at least then I knew that I meant something to her.
I won't thank you for anything - whatever I might have owed you has long since been repaid in full with interest and more.
Sayanora~
Sunday, May 5, 2013
You Took It All Away From Me
4am - Insomnia
I remembered how less than 6 months ago it felt like that life has just started. The excitement of it all, how the evening moon mixed with the unmistakable smell of Summer transported me into a vision of a future that grows brighter by the second. That there is a whole new world out there, unexplored, untamed just waiting for my pleasure.
I'm also reminded how only 3 months before that - I experienced months of lethargic emotions. I can almost suspect myself of being bipolar.
Work is now more fulfilling than any point in time, I rub shoulders with all the senior execs on both sides of the conference table and earned my place in the upper echelons of the firm. This was what I always wanted. But each time I opened my apartment door and step in - it seems so empty, so lonely and so depressing.
I kill time - that's what I do now; instead of enjoying my new found wealth to the fullest I found myself merely content to vegetate in front of the computer monitor....wasting away. Activities that once filled me with such wonder and excitement now seem grey and sad.
Somehow, you took all the joy in my life from me. I know not of how and why. Merely that since I lost you - the colours drained away in my world. This gray-scale world devoid of joy is the one that return to; day after day.
How is that possible? I've accepted and swallowed many hard truths in the months passed. The bitterness of them, now a distant memory and yet my world was as you left it still: joyless, silent, and colourless.
I remembered how less than 6 months ago it felt like that life has just started. The excitement of it all, how the evening moon mixed with the unmistakable smell of Summer transported me into a vision of a future that grows brighter by the second. That there is a whole new world out there, unexplored, untamed just waiting for my pleasure.
I'm also reminded how only 3 months before that - I experienced months of lethargic emotions. I can almost suspect myself of being bipolar.
Work is now more fulfilling than any point in time, I rub shoulders with all the senior execs on both sides of the conference table and earned my place in the upper echelons of the firm. This was what I always wanted. But each time I opened my apartment door and step in - it seems so empty, so lonely and so depressing.
I kill time - that's what I do now; instead of enjoying my new found wealth to the fullest I found myself merely content to vegetate in front of the computer monitor....wasting away. Activities that once filled me with such wonder and excitement now seem grey and sad.
Somehow, you took all the joy in my life from me. I know not of how and why. Merely that since I lost you - the colours drained away in my world. This gray-scale world devoid of joy is the one that return to; day after day.
How is that possible? I've accepted and swallowed many hard truths in the months passed. The bitterness of them, now a distant memory and yet my world was as you left it still: joyless, silent, and colourless.
Friday, May 3, 2013
我的生命之中再也沒有剩下些什麼...
當我失去你那眼中美麗的溫柔，當你決定就此放手，我的生命之中再也沒有剩下些什麼...
也許，我們的邂逅是錯誤
也許，我只是一時之氣
也許，她說愛我只是一時的氣氛
也許，我從來沒有愛過一個人
如果，我早一點認識你
如果，我一開始就抓緊你的手
如果，我沒有放開你的手
如果。。。
也許，我們的邂逅是錯誤
也許，我只是一時之氣
也許，她說愛我只是一時的氣氛
也許，我從來沒有愛過一個人
如果，我早一點認識你
如果，我一開始就抓緊你的手
如果，我沒有放開你的手
如果。。。
Thursday, April 11, 2013
The Trial
With the efficient movement that came from constant practice I pushed open the ancient ebony doors; hefty but the joint movements are smooth from constant use. As always I'm surprised by how well aired the Courtroom is and I can't help but wonder if this was always the case. The room is dimly lit and without waiting for my eyes to adjust I immediately recognised the three in the room.
"The time already served has been more than sufficient, I fail to see the continual need for this" said the first man, average build, dressed in a simple, average looking suit. His face is also very plain, but in a comfortable way, woman won't find him handsome but certainly easy on the eyes conveying a sense of safety. Good I thought to myself as I sat down on a nearby bench, I didn't miss much.
"Ha! The same old tiring argument, do you ever come here with anything new" sniffed the second; his shred, sharp features accentuates his arrogant air and hides none of his content by the whole proceedings; an opinion known by all.
The third and final man, naturally the Judge of the Court whose face is always cloaked in darkness, featureless and forever silent, words are not needed here.
"Because that's the simple truth!" boomed the plain face man, his voice lacks gravitas, yet his passion and conviction somehow comes through and it doesn't take long for any bystander to understand why he is good at what he does. "The circumstances and mitigating factors should have been more thoroughly considered and while certainly gross errors in judgement was made, none of it premeditated but rather products of circumstance"
"Why do we still entertain such delusions? We all know that this is not the true - rather the rationalisation of the guilty, perfectly versed after countless revisions and healthy doses of selective amnesia. We all have heard these words for the umpteenth time it ringed false the first time round and it remains so now. The sharp faced man riposted, uncompromising as always never looking at his listeners in the eye, afraid that mere eye contact will rob him of his wit and objectivity.
The proceedings are proceeding as they always do - at first these look like closing rebuttals and statements but after so much repeated practice with the evidence, witnesses, exhibits, and circumstantial evidence the facts are so well known to all that their presentation has been waived on both sides. Neither party ever argue on these anymore.
"There was never any denial of wrongdoing, merely that the punishment thus far has more than fit the crime, no crime can possibly deserve these punishments"
"Luckily that is up to the judge and not your lofty interpretation and questionable opinions"
As always the Judge remains silent, he is always silent and unmoving. But his recent demeanor makes his past self seem active. The judgement stands and no reprieve or parole is given, I feel the verdict in my bones and so does both of these men, they slump into their respective seats and heaves a heavy sigh of helplessness.
The plain man - in the past though lacked direction was always filled with vitality and energy is now merely content to sit and blankly stare. His usual routine of screaming defiance at every wrong turn, refusal to admit defeat, was what earned him many successes and have been the more prominent figure for the longest time. I can't help but wonder if he will ever be the same again?
The shred looking man - whose recent continual victory here does not earn him any joy. He has a twisted personality and the only kind word I can use to describe him is "conflicted". He longed to be proven wrong, but never in his wildest dreams expect it all to turn out this way. So now even though playing this role continually kills him inside, he doesn't know how else to live.
Then there is me, both the observer, prisoner and executioner of this trial. I can only continually wonder between the evidence and the next trial. Perhaps the shred man will finally break down from his internal contradictions? Or maybe he will return as the cynic for the sake of being a cynic? The plain man had a wonderful run, who would've imagined that he managed to gather so much traction and steam to last so long? I certainly didn't expect it; but without the vitality and the stubborn refusal to accept reality, he will crumble under his own weight of self doubt, it's just a matter of time.
Like I have done so in the past thousand times since the first trial started, I pulled at the heavy dark doors with an surprising economy of movement and look back into room and not for the first time I contemplated just ending this whole charade once and for all. As the door closed I slowly walked towards the evidence locker of my own memories and once again lost myself there...the prisoner of my own mind.
"The time already served has been more than sufficient, I fail to see the continual need for this" said the first man, average build, dressed in a simple, average looking suit. His face is also very plain, but in a comfortable way, woman won't find him handsome but certainly easy on the eyes conveying a sense of safety. Good I thought to myself as I sat down on a nearby bench, I didn't miss much.
"Ha! The same old tiring argument, do you ever come here with anything new" sniffed the second; his shred, sharp features accentuates his arrogant air and hides none of his content by the whole proceedings; an opinion known by all.
The third and final man, naturally the Judge of the Court whose face is always cloaked in darkness, featureless and forever silent, words are not needed here.
"Because that's the simple truth!" boomed the plain face man, his voice lacks gravitas, yet his passion and conviction somehow comes through and it doesn't take long for any bystander to understand why he is good at what he does. "The circumstances and mitigating factors should have been more thoroughly considered and while certainly gross errors in judgement was made, none of it premeditated but rather products of circumstance"
"Why do we still entertain such delusions? We all know that this is not the true - rather the rationalisation of the guilty, perfectly versed after countless revisions and healthy doses of selective amnesia. We all have heard these words for the umpteenth time it ringed false the first time round and it remains so now. The sharp faced man riposted, uncompromising as always never looking at his listeners in the eye, afraid that mere eye contact will rob him of his wit and objectivity.
The proceedings are proceeding as they always do - at first these look like closing rebuttals and statements but after so much repeated practice with the evidence, witnesses, exhibits, and circumstantial evidence the facts are so well known to all that their presentation has been waived on both sides. Neither party ever argue on these anymore.
"There was never any denial of wrongdoing, merely that the punishment thus far has more than fit the crime, no crime can possibly deserve these punishments"
"Luckily that is up to the judge and not your lofty interpretation and questionable opinions"
As always the Judge remains silent, he is always silent and unmoving. But his recent demeanor makes his past self seem active. The judgement stands and no reprieve or parole is given, I feel the verdict in my bones and so does both of these men, they slump into their respective seats and heaves a heavy sigh of helplessness.
The plain man - in the past though lacked direction was always filled with vitality and energy is now merely content to sit and blankly stare. His usual routine of screaming defiance at every wrong turn, refusal to admit defeat, was what earned him many successes and have been the more prominent figure for the longest time. I can't help but wonder if he will ever be the same again?
The shred looking man - whose recent continual victory here does not earn him any joy. He has a twisted personality and the only kind word I can use to describe him is "conflicted". He longed to be proven wrong, but never in his wildest dreams expect it all to turn out this way. So now even though playing this role continually kills him inside, he doesn't know how else to live.
Then there is me, both the observer, prisoner and executioner of this trial. I can only continually wonder between the evidence and the next trial. Perhaps the shred man will finally break down from his internal contradictions? Or maybe he will return as the cynic for the sake of being a cynic? The plain man had a wonderful run, who would've imagined that he managed to gather so much traction and steam to last so long? I certainly didn't expect it; but without the vitality and the stubborn refusal to accept reality, he will crumble under his own weight of self doubt, it's just a matter of time.
Like I have done so in the past thousand times since the first trial started, I pulled at the heavy dark doors with an surprising economy of movement and look back into room and not for the first time I contemplated just ending this whole charade once and for all. As the door closed I slowly walked towards the evidence locker of my own memories and once again lost myself there...the prisoner of my own mind.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Escape
Alcohol is not a good escape for me.
I've drank more in the last month than the previous 12 months combined. I do this because I hope to escape my own thoughts, and regret.
But despite the best efforts of myself and a few close friends. Here I'm after sampling the entire shooters menu at Newscafe, clear headed enough to write this blog without trouble. One would actually wonder that I might write better completely shit faced drunk. Yet, alcohol doesn't help me to achieve my end goals. Which is unfortunately because it was my last resort.
Even now, after trying everything that I can think off, I can find no solace, no iota of comfort and above all else no escape of my pain. I have tried to keep myself busy, I have tried to numb the pain through the brain numbing act of finishing the entire series of Star Trek: Voyager and most of Enterprise. I thought about just getting on a plane and fly away, I desperately want to run away but where would I go? I have tried everything in my repertoire of pain management and I find no escape from it. I'm not only a prisoner of my own mind. I'm a prisoner without any hope of escape.
What's next? I have no idea, but scarily I contemplated suicide on more than one occasion - the balcony is only 3 stories high and death isn't guaranteed. My life insurance is over 24 months and even if I should throw myself from the building it would still pay out.
Morbid thoughts cloud my thoughts but honestly, I'm too much of a coward - I finally realised that it takes certain amount of conviction, the right amount of bravery to end ones own life and I'm definitely not the type to do so. I often stated that I'm a homicidal not suicidal....but that position is being thrown into doubt.
I just hugged the toilet for better part of 45min and emptied my stomach, I will be sober enough to think this post a bad idea. Yet, despite this, the idea of never ending slumber is appealing and not for the first time I wish for a traffic incident to end it.
I've drank more in the last month than the previous 12 months combined. I do this because I hope to escape my own thoughts, and regret.
But despite the best efforts of myself and a few close friends. Here I'm after sampling the entire shooters menu at Newscafe, clear headed enough to write this blog without trouble. One would actually wonder that I might write better completely shit faced drunk. Yet, alcohol doesn't help me to achieve my end goals. Which is unfortunately because it was my last resort.
Even now, after trying everything that I can think off, I can find no solace, no iota of comfort and above all else no escape of my pain. I have tried to keep myself busy, I have tried to numb the pain through the brain numbing act of finishing the entire series of Star Trek: Voyager and most of Enterprise. I thought about just getting on a plane and fly away, I desperately want to run away but where would I go? I have tried everything in my repertoire of pain management and I find no escape from it. I'm not only a prisoner of my own mind. I'm a prisoner without any hope of escape.
What's next? I have no idea, but scarily I contemplated suicide on more than one occasion - the balcony is only 3 stories high and death isn't guaranteed. My life insurance is over 24 months and even if I should throw myself from the building it would still pay out.
Morbid thoughts cloud my thoughts but honestly, I'm too much of a coward - I finally realised that it takes certain amount of conviction, the right amount of bravery to end ones own life and I'm definitely not the type to do so. I often stated that I'm a homicidal not suicidal....but that position is being thrown into doubt.
I just hugged the toilet for better part of 45min and emptied my stomach, I will be sober enough to think this post a bad idea. Yet, despite this, the idea of never ending slumber is appealing and not for the first time I wish for a traffic incident to end it.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Ask No Questions and I Will Tell No Lies
Lately one of the most frustrating things are people constantly asking if I'm "OK" - the answer for a while has been an unconditioned: NO. What surprises and irritates me is the surprise they show when I tell them so.
A master at masking my own emotions - even when I don't want to, my closes friends tell me that to them I'm like an open book; not by my expressions or body language...but by my actions. I can't comment on that one but it seems like they pretty good at figuring me out so I'll take their word for it. So it basically means that for them to ask me if I'm "OK" it generally means that they have figured out that something is wrong and that I'm not all there.
Why the surprise? You didn't expect me to answer you honestly? You expect me to obey some kind of obscure social norm that I can never figure out? Were you just asking out of courtesy?
I'm not OK, I'm bleeding inside. I hate myself like nothing before. Regret eats away at what remains of my shattered heart and I find myself surprised that there is still something there to be eaten away.
Don't ask - I don't want your pity. Nor do I want your condescending remarks and advice. I blame myself enough already so I don't need you to remind me that I fucked up. I will continue to cry myself to sleep in the dark, when emotions overwhelm me during the day, I will find a place to hide until it passes. I will continue to find comfort at the bottom of bottle or in the arms of a stranger and pretend that she is once again in my arms.
I will do all these things secretly so that you don't have to see it and we can all pretend that nothing happened, but I won't lie. If you ask - I will tell you all about the tears while returning from work today and at the same time dream of a traffic incident ending my misery. How these words were written with stubborn tears in the corner of my eyes, drinking what should be one of the finest Single Malt in my possession.
I will tell you all these things - honestly and without reserve...should you ask.
Otherwise, I will live my life the way I remembered before I met her. I will follow the same routine, I will endeavour to continue going to work, gym, and socialize without skipping a beat. All this in hope that some form of normalcy will return to my life, my mind and my heart.
You will find me to be as pleasant company as always (which I understand it to be rather horrible company even in the best of days). But make no mistake - each day only brings new reason for me to hate myself and I find myself driven...toward a destination that is still too dark for me to see.
A master at masking my own emotions - even when I don't want to, my closes friends tell me that to them I'm like an open book; not by my expressions or body language...but by my actions. I can't comment on that one but it seems like they pretty good at figuring me out so I'll take their word for it. So it basically means that for them to ask me if I'm "OK" it generally means that they have figured out that something is wrong and that I'm not all there.
Why the surprise? You didn't expect me to answer you honestly? You expect me to obey some kind of obscure social norm that I can never figure out? Were you just asking out of courtesy?
I'm not OK, I'm bleeding inside. I hate myself like nothing before. Regret eats away at what remains of my shattered heart and I find myself surprised that there is still something there to be eaten away.
Don't ask - I don't want your pity. Nor do I want your condescending remarks and advice. I blame myself enough already so I don't need you to remind me that I fucked up. I will continue to cry myself to sleep in the dark, when emotions overwhelm me during the day, I will find a place to hide until it passes. I will continue to find comfort at the bottom of bottle or in the arms of a stranger and pretend that she is once again in my arms.
I will do all these things secretly so that you don't have to see it and we can all pretend that nothing happened, but I won't lie. If you ask - I will tell you all about the tears while returning from work today and at the same time dream of a traffic incident ending my misery. How these words were written with stubborn tears in the corner of my eyes, drinking what should be one of the finest Single Malt in my possession.
I will tell you all these things - honestly and without reserve...should you ask.
Otherwise, I will live my life the way I remembered before I met her. I will follow the same routine, I will endeavour to continue going to work, gym, and socialize without skipping a beat. All this in hope that some form of normalcy will return to my life, my mind and my heart.
You will find me to be as pleasant company as always (which I understand it to be rather horrible company even in the best of days). But make no mistake - each day only brings new reason for me to hate myself and I find myself driven...toward a destination that is still too dark for me to see.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Regret
"I think love you"
Those words paralysed me, I screamed in my head that I wasn't ready, that this has taken me completely by surprise...yet there was no way to avert my gaze from the eyes of someone looking into my soul, but only silence answered her confession. The shock of someone telling me that she loves me.
“So who is she?"
Fast forward weeks later and a simple question asked by an inquisitive friend and I found myself brimming with excitement to answer that question. I told her how we met, how the relationship developed and the things we did together. The more I spoke the more excited I was and I felt something akin to happiness. I was ready, ready to finally return those words. I couldn't contain myself and left her a voice message on Whatsapp.
"Maybe you think that I'm drunk and doubt my words, to which I admit, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love you."
There! I said it, for the first time ever. I was so excited as I drifted into sleep...happy that I can finally return her feelings. But the response was so wrong, so subdued and I felt really disappointed. But then again, I've no doubt that she felt worse when she said it the first time round. It's not important, right?
"JH asked me out, and I see no reason to turn him down...he at least makes me laugh"
Those words came so unexpectedly two days later, yet the full impact of it didn't hit me until much later. I always knew that super long distance relationship was difficult to sustain; that I somehow always knew this was coming and I thought she was right. The first night of insomnia was completely expected - we shared so much happy memories and it was sudden. Second night came and depression set in and still no sleep in sight. By the third night I completely broke down and I found myself weeping from the depths of my soul. The more I cried the more I realised what she meant to me, I regret keeping her at arms length because how scared I was of letting her close. There was no escape from the prisons of my own mind.
"Please give me another chance
Those words were finally uttered on the fourth day, I begged for her to give me another chance. I would do anything. Nothing else mattered anymore, I brought the tickets back to Hong Kong and then to Taiwan. I asked another friend to help process my Taiwanese VISA...all was ready.
"I never thought that I mattered during our time together. I always thought that I was the only one who was interested in making this work."
Those words cut into my like a knife and I realised that she was right - I have been trying so hard to not get emotionally attached because I knew this was going to be hard and potentially temporary. I kept my distance on many occasions on purpose because I thought that as long as I do this...I won't be hurt. The last email she sent to me killed me inside, about just how happy she has been with J... and her suspicion about the sudden and utter change of heart after she decided to end things. Despair unlike any thing I have ever experienced dawned on me. I no longer have the courage to face her in person.
"Happy Chinese New Year!"
China, Chinese New Year Eve. After all the excitement I completely forgotten that it's Chinese New Year and since I brought the ticket...why shouldn't I go to celebrate Chinese New Year in China amongst family? I got there and it was pretty evident to my sisters that something was wrong with me. They also had reports from SX that I have been acting very strangely lately. After drinking myself into yet another stupor I passed out and awake again 2 hours later, even after close to 3 weeks I'm still in a constant state of insomnia...I couldn't remember the last time I managed to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. I needed to talk to someone.
"If you don't go, you will regret it for the rest of your life"
My sisters convinced me that I need to go, go see her and ask for her back; failing that, get the kind of closure something like this deserves. She also called me a thousand kind of idiot, how it was so obvious she given me so many chances...so many hints in hopes that I would promise her something, promise her that she was important to me.
So that brought me to Taiwan on 14th February 2013 - Valentines Day. Ironic yes, I also completely forgotten that it was Valentines day until someone mentioned it on the day- I have always called Valentines Day to the one of the most painful days of my life...since I managed to stay single for every single of one of them...2013 is the crowning moment in pain and suffering.
Just before I got onto the plane in Hong Kong airport I sent her a message - that I will be there for 2 days, that I just want to talk, and that she will be willing to see me; of course the choice is up to her. The next day, I sat in a German restaurant that the two of us dined at not more than 2 months ago...but incredible how much has changed since.
It ended pretty much how I expected, in 40minutes I said all that I wanted to say. For the most part she just looked at me, pity in her eyes. After I finished I asked whether she will leave first, leave me with the last shred of dignity that is left in this situation and go before I finally lost all control of my emotions.
"I only blame myself for not holding onto your hand now, even though I want to say I love you, I no longer have the courage. The courage to ask you to save me from my own solitude"
Regret - the title of this post, shares the same title as the post written in July 2011 where I declared that even though things haven't always gone my way I have no regrets, that I will have no regrets. That even in pain I felt alive, that I have lived. The irony of it makes me want to kill myself, because right now I feel regret...unconditioned and uncontrollable regret that doesn't make me feel alive, but rather dead.
I laughed when I reviewed my own arrogance on here - believing that no relationship can possibly hurt me now because I've become stronger. I loath myself for the suggestion that I'm fine by myself, that I'm living a wonderful life without the need for someone like Tiffany...I was so wrong...and once again so arrogant.
I can find no silver-lining, no rationalisation that can appease me. Right now, I'm just a tortured soul looking for any relief from my own mind. Tortured by the late realisation that I had my own happiness in my hand and I never held onto it. There can be no salvation for me this time round, because even right now all I can manage is the damnation of my own soul, no respite, I can find no mercy within myself for my own crimes.
Those words paralysed me, I screamed in my head that I wasn't ready, that this has taken me completely by surprise...yet there was no way to avert my gaze from the eyes of someone looking into my soul, but only silence answered her confession. The shock of someone telling me that she loves me.
“So who is she?"
Fast forward weeks later and a simple question asked by an inquisitive friend and I found myself brimming with excitement to answer that question. I told her how we met, how the relationship developed and the things we did together. The more I spoke the more excited I was and I felt something akin to happiness. I was ready, ready to finally return those words. I couldn't contain myself and left her a voice message on Whatsapp.
"Maybe you think that I'm drunk and doubt my words, to which I admit, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love you."
There! I said it, for the first time ever. I was so excited as I drifted into sleep...happy that I can finally return her feelings. But the response was so wrong, so subdued and I felt really disappointed. But then again, I've no doubt that she felt worse when she said it the first time round. It's not important, right?
"JH asked me out, and I see no reason to turn him down...he at least makes me laugh"
Those words came so unexpectedly two days later, yet the full impact of it didn't hit me until much later. I always knew that super long distance relationship was difficult to sustain; that I somehow always knew this was coming and I thought she was right. The first night of insomnia was completely expected - we shared so much happy memories and it was sudden. Second night came and depression set in and still no sleep in sight. By the third night I completely broke down and I found myself weeping from the depths of my soul. The more I cried the more I realised what she meant to me, I regret keeping her at arms length because how scared I was of letting her close. There was no escape from the prisons of my own mind.
"Please give me another chance
Those words were finally uttered on the fourth day, I begged for her to give me another chance. I would do anything. Nothing else mattered anymore, I brought the tickets back to Hong Kong and then to Taiwan. I asked another friend to help process my Taiwanese VISA...all was ready.
"I never thought that I mattered during our time together. I always thought that I was the only one who was interested in making this work."
Those words cut into my like a knife and I realised that she was right - I have been trying so hard to not get emotionally attached because I knew this was going to be hard and potentially temporary. I kept my distance on many occasions on purpose because I thought that as long as I do this...I won't be hurt. The last email she sent to me killed me inside, about just how happy she has been with J... and her suspicion about the sudden and utter change of heart after she decided to end things. Despair unlike any thing I have ever experienced dawned on me. I no longer have the courage to face her in person.
"Happy Chinese New Year!"
China, Chinese New Year Eve. After all the excitement I completely forgotten that it's Chinese New Year and since I brought the ticket...why shouldn't I go to celebrate Chinese New Year in China amongst family? I got there and it was pretty evident to my sisters that something was wrong with me. They also had reports from SX that I have been acting very strangely lately. After drinking myself into yet another stupor I passed out and awake again 2 hours later, even after close to 3 weeks I'm still in a constant state of insomnia...I couldn't remember the last time I managed to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. I needed to talk to someone.
"If you don't go, you will regret it for the rest of your life"
My sisters convinced me that I need to go, go see her and ask for her back; failing that, get the kind of closure something like this deserves. She also called me a thousand kind of idiot, how it was so obvious she given me so many chances...so many hints in hopes that I would promise her something, promise her that she was important to me.
So that brought me to Taiwan on 14th February 2013 - Valentines Day. Ironic yes, I also completely forgotten that it was Valentines day until someone mentioned it on the day- I have always called Valentines Day to the one of the most painful days of my life...since I managed to stay single for every single of one of them...2013 is the crowning moment in pain and suffering.
Just before I got onto the plane in Hong Kong airport I sent her a message - that I will be there for 2 days, that I just want to talk, and that she will be willing to see me; of course the choice is up to her. The next day, I sat in a German restaurant that the two of us dined at not more than 2 months ago...but incredible how much has changed since.
It ended pretty much how I expected, in 40minutes I said all that I wanted to say. For the most part she just looked at me, pity in her eyes. After I finished I asked whether she will leave first, leave me with the last shred of dignity that is left in this situation and go before I finally lost all control of my emotions.
"I only blame myself for not holding onto your hand now, even though I want to say I love you, I no longer have the courage. The courage to ask you to save me from my own solitude"
Regret - the title of this post, shares the same title as the post written in July 2011 where I declared that even though things haven't always gone my way I have no regrets, that I will have no regrets. That even in pain I felt alive, that I have lived. The irony of it makes me want to kill myself, because right now I feel regret...unconditioned and uncontrollable regret that doesn't make me feel alive, but rather dead.
I laughed when I reviewed my own arrogance on here - believing that no relationship can possibly hurt me now because I've become stronger. I loath myself for the suggestion that I'm fine by myself, that I'm living a wonderful life without the need for someone like Tiffany...I was so wrong...and once again so arrogant.
I can find no silver-lining, no rationalisation that can appease me. Right now, I'm just a tortured soul looking for any relief from my own mind. Tortured by the late realisation that I had my own happiness in my hand and I never held onto it. There can be no salvation for me this time round, because even right now all I can manage is the damnation of my own soul, no respite, I can find no mercy within myself for my own crimes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)