To Be Ruthless

Since taking up this job I have been incredibly sheltered by the politics and the inner battles within the company.

Once in a while though I feel the need and somewhat perverse desire to take part in the intrigue and exercise my power to actually destroy someone's career in a company. But despite having that power, opportunity and desire I have not exercised those opportunities because I was too soft. The first time round I backed down and my boss did what I couldn't do.

Fast forwarded 3 year and odd months I find myself sitting in a similar situation and complained about a certain co-worker who has basically stabbed me in the back and blamed many recent failures squarely on my head. I will admit to anyone that I indeed drop the ball; however to just blame everything on me truly exaggerated my abilities and influence within the company, and once again I felt an immense sense of betrayal from someone whom I have helped and supported all this time. I vented my frustrations to another coworker and I sworn that I will get my revenge when I get the opportunity. He surprised me by looking me in the eyes and asked "But can you actually do it this time round?".

I was actually shocked for a  second and realised that he was right; I have never walked the talk. Within seconds I steeled my resolve and promised myself that I will find the opportunities to return the favour and establish a simple principle "Tit-For-Tac".

Tonight, at 11:20pm I got that opportunity. No, I don't have the silver bullet...yet; but I can already foresee that possibility for my revenge.

I admit that this is personal, but what is also very clear I need to start thinking about actually stabbing someone in the back.

Late Night Posts

Been a while since I posted this late and it's strangely nostalgic; I have found this time to be the most productive time for posts since it seems that sleep deprivation strides me of most of my critical thinking faculties that stymies my ability to just convey raw emotions.

Currently doing a network test on the core network and listening on the discussions of at least 3 teams in 3 different locations - and I'm just here for window dressing to be perfectly honest. I've been here since 11pm and so it affords me to just browse online and procrastinate.

I randomly decided to visit TC's Facebook page and suddenly I felt a mere fraction of the overwhelming emotions that overcame me more than 18 months ago. Within minutes my "senses" was transported to these sleepless nights and for merest of seconds I felt as if I can still smell those tear soaked pillow cases and the Summer air. Haha, I'm hopeless.

WC is still having problems in SK, within a space of 3 weeks she has broken up and "not" broken up, I truly and honestly feel that the relationship was over years ago and they were merely living off borrowed time. As TC said, their relationship was too "sanitised", every interaction and every words chosen with care. They have become two different persons and then expected everything to be the same. I guess in so many ways TC was far more matured than me regarding relationships. She saw more clearly than the rest of us.

WC and I chatted over the phone today, it was nice hearing her voice without the tears. I mentioned about PL and how I wasn't invited to her wedding and this shocked her. The honest truth is this: like in the previous post I loved PL almost as strongly as I loved TC or AC and it was also very apparent to me that it was one-sided, that's what made it toxic and painful. She seemed to have reached the same conclusion and it was all the best for both parties.

So it wasn't a rejection?

Well, reading the last 3 posts make me feel rather sheepishly stupid since I think I might have called things a little too early as since the "rejection" we are now officially a couple as if the whole incident didn't happen.

I've been itching to ask her why the rejection and why the as sudden change of heart. If I had to guess it would be the valentines run? Not more than 10 days after her initial rejection she seems to have changed her mind that night? Who knows, but if someone was to push me for a date it would be the evening of the Valentines Night Run.

But I never seem to get around to asking her, for now it seems like I'm in the most stable relationship that I've ever been in...which is kinda scary in it's own way. No real drama (except she is a good Church going girl) things are working out kinda well right now.

Oh well, we will see how things work out with B.

Can you please keep a secret...

Neither of us has made the initiative to talk to each other for better part of 2 years, I was both surprised and reluctant when she suddenly initiated a conversation when I went to talk to B

"Can you please keep a secret"

I was intrigued at first and when she told me that she has managed to get her husband into the company; I was shocked. But the coup de grace was that she doesn't want people to know about their relationship.

Damn this is going to be awkward with him being in the office as well.

SERIOUSLY??? You want to keep your marriage to him a secret?
WHY THE FUCK would you want that or need to?
WHY THE FUCK would he agree to that?

Regardless, I smiled agreed to it.

Later she asked if she talk to me in private regarding a matter and I brushed her off saying that I'm too busy and simply carried with my day.

She eventually cornered me on Monday and so with dread in my heart I obliged to hear her out.

First thing she did was produce a box of Lindt Chocolate and then apologised. Funny thing is that I don't actually remember her exact words but I think this is what she said:

Things between us has been awkward and there are no reasons for it. If I managed to hurt or offend you in the past then please be the bigger person and forgive me (Chinese proverb). We were close friends once and I really want us to hang out again and just be friends (The absence of the word "close" friends in that sentence was not duly noted). 

I found her apology to be so disingenuous that it laughable, I told her that no apology was needed and I meant it.

I No Longer Have the Courage

B, normally by this time I would be plotting ways to win your heart, simply because it's what I do.

I can now fully admit that during my previous 2 relationships with TC and with LL that I thought about the possibility of the two of us together. The thought was quickly crushed each time. Now that I'm single, you are now back in Johannesburg, we are spending more time than ever, we share a lot of common interests and the hours spent talking about nothing and everything. Even with all that, your body language was more than curious. I would get closer, you don't retreat; but there was no sign that you want to come closer.

I can't say I was all that surprised that you turned me down. It's understandable even, so much baggage has now come between us after so long. Our respective ex's are close friends of ours.

My time with you is so reminiscence of my time with AC, such familiarity and comfort that I feel...safe? This time though the reverse is true, I'm your senior by 4 years and I'm the established one while you are the one who is busy starting.

But B, this time round I'm actually scared and also lacking the courage or will to continue your pursue. On Sunday's hike I met two incredibly attractive and incredible ladies whom I made a quick and fascinating connection with. I guess I'm trying to say that life is too short?

I want to break the cycle. Every time I found myself drawn to a female friend whom I have known well for a while and felt a strong tug on the strings of my heart, it has never ended well with me.

If it belongs to you, set it free and it come back to you

JC once told me that line, I was very skeptical but now I actually believe it; or perhaps I want to believe in it?

Rejected!

This is probably the first rejection from a girl in a while (getting dumped doesn't count) and I can't say that I'm not disappointed and feeling rather down because of it. Though I'll be honest, the reason she gave for the rejection was so original and so strange that I'm more than a little taken back.

"I don't want to revert back to being good-two-shoe" 

She seems genuine; and she never asked me to be just her friend. She never denied that she expected the question coming and she hoped that I didn't.

Going through the normal motions of post rejections and just generally trying to manage expectations of a possible change of heart. I don't expect it, but it does help to manage the disappointment.

So She Got Engaged

It was bound to happen, I mean that's the whole point why JH was a better partner than me...at least according to her.

I expected this to happen, guess I didn't expect it to happen so soon? Almost 1 year after she called it quits between us she traveled to Vegas with him and he proposed - I want to say that I'm pissed off that he proposed in Vegas where we shared some very intimate moments - but I'm not angry with that.

As with all emotions - I'm both surprised at how much I care and how little at the same time. Oh, who am I kidding the fact that I'm writing here basically means that it struck a nerve somewhere and now the maelstrom of jealousy, regret and pride keeps on inter-changing.

I...feel like I want to talk to someone but no idea where I would even begin to have this conversation. It's a complete waste of time because I know I will never get the resolution that I want.

Without any hope of resolution all I can hope to do is record this event and just mark another milestone to my life.

Am I Just Being Naive?

My opening disclosure to all posts: I'm not that naive; at least no more naive than the average person. I've accumulated enough experience at work and in life to know that while my own internal monologues (such as this post) boarders on naivete, but my actions portray me as someone who is neither unwilling nor innocent participant to this somewhat cut-throat world. 

I have long since found that contradiction in myself and wondered many times on this blog whether I'm a just a big hypocrite or a dualist whole seems to hold two different sets of ideas simultaneously - or "Doublethink" and "Doublespeak" from George Orwell's 1984.

Take the topic of marriage - I have no doubt in my mind that I will eventually marry and these days the prospective of marriage is growing more and more appealing. However, on this blog and in my own heart of hearts, I can't fully commit to the idea since I believe it to be a fool's errand. However, the subject of marriage has been exhausted in my own mind and (I suspect) on this blog; so I won't venture there and instead focus on the subject of work, brotherhood and politics.

Two weeks ago, I was having dinner with colleagues from my project (I suppose I should get used to calling them subordinates). We were gathered to celebrate the wonderful occasion where one of them has been offered an employment contract with the Operator now that the project has ended. They offered him a competitive package and I couldn't be more than happy for him. We ate well, drank some wine (almost all of them are generally teatotallers and drank only when the occasion calls for it. Before long, the proclamations of brotherhood started and probably for the first time I actually felt swayed by it.

I was moved by the incredible support by all around the table, spirits are high and it seems like everyone was drinking my future success in the bidding process of another similar project with the No.2 operator in Cape Town. As it stands I personally believe we only have about 30% real chance of winning this bid and that's only if the tendering team gets their acts together and play well with each other. But without a doubt its a great opportunity for me. If I'm able to win this tender it will be a watershed moment in my career; the financial rewards for me will be minimal since I'm not part of the sales and tendering structure. My prize would be the chance to run my own project, for the most successful operator in Africa and gain a foothold into the telecoms industry.

As I finished the above paragraph, the cynic in me paints a more and more vivid picture of why they acted the way that they do. That picture now seems so logically and so real that any further thoughts of presenting the other possibility seem futile and infantile. So let me try to describe this picture on paper:

Should this project happen, I will be the man who can grant continual employment and potentially cushy jobs that offer many benefits without risks; and without any players in the game present they lose nothing by saying this things to me.

So I guess, all that is left to say is that I want to believe them; I want to believe that they really do have my best interests in mind and when the time comes support me in my endeavor not to gain the most financial gain in the shortest time possible, but rather to complete the project in the best possible way.