So the last few months has been rather eventful - brought my own apartment financed through family donations and finances that means I don't have to pay interest on it...and repayable in less than 7 years... I intend to do it sooner than that. 5 would be my ultimate goal, time to learn to live like a monk again, I did it when I first came to Joburg and I might have to relearn it. Buying the apartment and taking the loan means that I can't just quit my job and leave whenever I feel like it... I now have responsibilities that tie me down... and I think that is why I'm feeling a little more depressed than excited about the purchase. Damn my stubborn pride for wanting to own something that expensive, and big from my own blood and sweat.
PL has returned to Cape Town, I wish her the best of luck and really miss her a lot. Hard to believe that we shared the same apartment for over a year now. I will miss her...no matter how angry I might have been with her for the longest time. I hope it all works out for her.
I have signed up for the San Francisco Marathon in July - this will be the biggest commitment that I've done in a long long time.
Life is continuing - I have looked back the last few years as the best days of my life and I hope to continue doing so.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I Have Grown Complacent and Arrogant
It's been a long time since I've lost written a post on here and before I got to the topic at hand let me just say that work has been stressful, fast paced, fickle like a cat and just generally speaking a complete disaster. In other words I'm absolutely loving it.
I have always flourished in situations where chaos and uncertainty rule. I'm guessing it has something to do with my aggressive and authoritarian attitude coupled with a strong personality that can capture and swing people's opinions - at least according to the JP Morgan interview feedback. "...strong personality that can lead and influence the entire group."
Now the issue at hand - due to the above quality I have been able to stand up and be counted when things go from bad to worse and for the last 2 years I have managed to continually impress my superiors in handling terrible situations by remaining relatively calm and just go back to the fundamentals - the small and basic things.
But now I'm starting to be in a completely different ball game now, I'm starting to get a view of the top and now more than ever I should go back to make sure that the basic foundations are built properly and from there I need to expand my repertoire, and sharpen my skills.
But instead I have grown increasing arrogant and ignoring all the warning signs. I have grown complacent without looking to further innovate the product that I have been calling DX.
The DX brand name is currently strong and like any other strong brand it needs to continue to deliver strong results as well as innovate - and it is in this that I've failed.
I have always flourished in situations where chaos and uncertainty rule. I'm guessing it has something to do with my aggressive and authoritarian attitude coupled with a strong personality that can capture and swing people's opinions - at least according to the JP Morgan interview feedback. "...strong personality that can lead and influence the entire group."
Now the issue at hand - due to the above quality I have been able to stand up and be counted when things go from bad to worse and for the last 2 years I have managed to continually impress my superiors in handling terrible situations by remaining relatively calm and just go back to the fundamentals - the small and basic things.
But now I'm starting to be in a completely different ball game now, I'm starting to get a view of the top and now more than ever I should go back to make sure that the basic foundations are built properly and from there I need to expand my repertoire, and sharpen my skills.
But instead I have grown increasing arrogant and ignoring all the warning signs. I have grown complacent without looking to further innovate the product that I have been calling DX.
The DX brand name is currently strong and like any other strong brand it needs to continue to deliver strong results as well as innovate - and it is in this that I've failed.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Yet Another Fitness Update
So after my previous proclamation of the goals that I've set myself this is the latest update on how I've fared:
The first few months after the last update went well, but then I started having a good social life (read VERY good) and went from one drunken stupor to another in quick succession. While I maintained my training schedule the crazy amounts of alcohol and rich food didn't help - in fact I was lucky to have gotten away so lightly.
But the last month I have been at it full throttle - body weight is actually higher right now than before, right now I'm weighing in at around 87kg's. I've decided that trying to reduce my body weight is rather futile - It has been constant at around 87kg's for the last 3 months and I'm actually very pleased because I have packed on HUGE amounts of muscle mass.
Cholesterol and bloody pressure tests has shown improvements with cholesterol dropping from 4.9 to 4.5 currently - huge success considering that I was sitting at 5.9 2 years ago and was told by the doctor that I might want to start exercising again.
Training has now shifted towards far more weights than cardio due to a few reasons - weights is a much better method of reducing body fat and with summer around the corner I want to be able to hit the beaches in broad shorts and feel good about myself.
In case there was any doubts - Yes I'm THAT VAIN.
The first few months after the last update went well, but then I started having a good social life (read VERY good) and went from one drunken stupor to another in quick succession. While I maintained my training schedule the crazy amounts of alcohol and rich food didn't help - in fact I was lucky to have gotten away so lightly.
But the last month I have been at it full throttle - body weight is actually higher right now than before, right now I'm weighing in at around 87kg's. I've decided that trying to reduce my body weight is rather futile - It has been constant at around 87kg's for the last 3 months and I'm actually very pleased because I have packed on HUGE amounts of muscle mass.
Cholesterol and bloody pressure tests has shown improvements with cholesterol dropping from 4.9 to 4.5 currently - huge success considering that I was sitting at 5.9 2 years ago and was told by the doctor that I might want to start exercising again.
Training has now shifted towards far more weights than cardio due to a few reasons - weights is a much better method of reducing body fat and with summer around the corner I want to be able to hit the beaches in broad shorts and feel good about myself.
In case there was any doubts - Yes I'm THAT VAIN.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Uncontrollabe Rage
Currently I'm feeling this strangely powerful urge to unleash my anger upon a certain someone, I felt like she has made my life into an unbearable misery in the last few weeks; but when I stop to think about it I can't seem to truly isolate a reason for me actually hating her. I mean there were instances where I felt (dare I use the word) violated by her dumb-witted betrayal. But then she isn't the first and I doubt she will be the last.
On the other hand she is a sweet thing, clueless bordering on innocent; selfish in ways that only a child could be. I trusted that innocence and lowered my defenses - big mistake. She once describes me as someone who will show weakness when I'm drunk and when I say drunk I meant totally and utterly smashed out of my bracket on scales that has only happened on a number of occasions and so when she revealed so much to others I felt a rage like I have never felt before. Some so trivial but at the same time offers so much insight into my very soul that I felt so naked, so vulnerable and so damn ashamed.
It has been two weeks since and the initial heat has subsided but I can barely see her without reigniting parts of that rage, my default position is then to look within my own psyche to find Freudian reasons for my uncontrollable and unending rage - immediately I tried the polar opposite: I might be madly in love with her without realising it and over time it has warped itself into another form - hate. The idea was quickly dismissed partially because I REALLY don't like that conclusion and partially it was so crazy that I think I'm over-thinking things...again. Am I such a cliche?
On the other hand she is a sweet thing, clueless bordering on innocent; selfish in ways that only a child could be. I trusted that innocence and lowered my defenses - big mistake. She once describes me as someone who will show weakness when I'm drunk and when I say drunk I meant totally and utterly smashed out of my bracket on scales that has only happened on a number of occasions and so when she revealed so much to others I felt a rage like I have never felt before. Some so trivial but at the same time offers so much insight into my very soul that I felt so naked, so vulnerable and so damn ashamed.
It has been two weeks since and the initial heat has subsided but I can barely see her without reigniting parts of that rage, my default position is then to look within my own psyche to find Freudian reasons for my uncontrollable and unending rage - immediately I tried the polar opposite: I might be madly in love with her without realising it and over time it has warped itself into another form - hate. The idea was quickly dismissed partially because I REALLY don't like that conclusion and partially it was so crazy that I think I'm over-thinking things...again. Am I such a cliche?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
...and I want to
I'm fine alone if I have to...but I don't want to
"Will Never Ever Never Ever Be Lonely" - Zhang Xiao XianNobody likes being along, whenever I was alone by myself I feel depressed, plagued by the thought that maybe I'm unwanted and alone because I have no other choice.
So in recent days I kept myself busy, occupied and permanently surrounded by people and I have grown accustomed to this sort of lifestyle. But, a combination of work and personal matters (all round) exhausted me and for the first time that I can safely recall - I hungered to be left alone to my own devices for a while. At first I worried that maybe this was a bad idea - loneliness can be overwhelming and perhaps it will do me more harm than good.
Much to my surprise it wasn't a problem, I was alone but I wasn't lonely. I chose to be alone and somehow it made it all better. Sure I over-think everything in life as it is evident here on this blog but after being on my own devices for a short while I stop thinking much about anything. I really do believe that maybe choosing to be alone was what made all the difference. I suspect that recently I've kept company that has done me more harm than good just purely to avoid being by myself.
I'm fine alone if I have to... and I want to. At least for now.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Just Friends
In the supremely unlikely event that there is a god, he is a capricious and cruel one, the week that I decided to fully focus on my career and long term life goals (aka making money) and just sit out of the battle of the sexes, that very weekend I found myself completely bowled over by someone and found myself back into the game...this time with competition.
Most people in the world don't like to lose, I take an extreme view that if I do take part in anything I play to win (except when there are ulterior motives). I particularly hate competitions where what I do can't influence the outcome. Which is why this stupid game of courtship and dating is so damn nerve wrecking for me. I can handle defeat, at least handle it better than most people believe. What I can't handle is being thrown in a situation where I'm helpless - where there was never anything that I could've done at all to influence the outcome. The short version of this paragraph is that I hated feeling helpless while I watch the object of my affection being wooed by someone else.
I have since decided to (on more than one occasion) take a step back, but each time I found myself strangely drawn to this game where the script has already been written: I'll end in tears. When I declared my intentions she gave me the standard template answer that I have grown so accustomed to hearing. "Can't we just be friends"?
The answer was a so simple and yet so complicated - No.
I have no intention of being yet another non-sexual male friend to yet another pretty girl that I more than fancy. Far worse is that if we remain friends I will have to watch the happiness that I was denied when she chose the other guy over me.
No, I won't be "just" your friend because just a friend is the ultimate raw deal.
Most people in the world don't like to lose, I take an extreme view that if I do take part in anything I play to win (except when there are ulterior motives). I particularly hate competitions where what I do can't influence the outcome. Which is why this stupid game of courtship and dating is so damn nerve wrecking for me. I can handle defeat, at least handle it better than most people believe. What I can't handle is being thrown in a situation where I'm helpless - where there was never anything that I could've done at all to influence the outcome. The short version of this paragraph is that I hated feeling helpless while I watch the object of my affection being wooed by someone else.
I have since decided to (on more than one occasion) take a step back, but each time I found myself strangely drawn to this game where the script has already been written: I'll end in tears. When I declared my intentions she gave me the standard template answer that I have grown so accustomed to hearing. "Can't we just be friends"?
The answer was a so simple and yet so complicated - No.
I have no intention of being yet another non-sexual male friend to yet another pretty girl that I more than fancy. Far worse is that if we remain friends I will have to watch the happiness that I was denied when she chose the other guy over me.
No, I won't be "just" your friend because just a friend is the ultimate raw deal.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
"Break in Case of Emergency"
I have illusions in my mind that I'm irritating and difficult person to deal with, typically I mask insecurity with arrogance. I'm stubborn and hard headed and on occasions impossible to talk to. I have always known that and I have tried so hard to change myself - smooth out the rough edges. I can see that while I have come a long way - I still have miles to go and not for the first time I wonder if someone can really change.
But in my own defense I'm also the most reliable person around. When things go wrong, when you need someone to stand up and be counted I'm your man.
I'm the friend who everybody needs in case of emergencies. That's gotta count for something, right?
But in my own defense I'm also the most reliable person around. When things go wrong, when you need someone to stand up and be counted I'm your man.
I'm the friend who everybody needs in case of emergencies. That's gotta count for something, right?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Regrets
One of the fun things that you get to do writing a blog like this is to do a bit self reflection by reading the more strongly worded ideas that one wrote in the past.
For the most part 90% of the sentiments made here still hold true and I will stand by them now with one possible addendum in case there are any confusions in my mind and anyone else who eventually reads this blog as a whole:
I have no regrets!
I have complained, cried, screamed, sulked and every other possible negative action during these two years in Johannesburg but it's alright. Compared to the smooth and relatively uneventful life in Cape Town I feel truly alive for the first time for as long as memories can take me back.
Every strong emotion that I have experienced is a testament that I'm alive - not only alive but truly living a worthwhile life. The last 2 years will shine like a bonfire that will overshadow everything till this point.
So future me, readers current and future. Judge, criticise and belittle for my hypocrisy, for my idiocy, and my weakness. I will live free, be true to me but I don't want to regret, will have no regrets. Let me burn twice as bright even if I burn for half as long.
I will have no regrets.
For the most part 90% of the sentiments made here still hold true and I will stand by them now with one possible addendum in case there are any confusions in my mind and anyone else who eventually reads this blog as a whole:
I have no regrets!
I have complained, cried, screamed, sulked and every other possible negative action during these two years in Johannesburg but it's alright. Compared to the smooth and relatively uneventful life in Cape Town I feel truly alive for the first time for as long as memories can take me back.
"Maybe, I'll get hurt, maybe I won't. But that doesn't concern me right now. I just want to be true to myself"
Every strong emotion that I have experienced is a testament that I'm alive - not only alive but truly living a worthwhile life. The last 2 years will shine like a bonfire that will overshadow everything till this point.
So future me, readers current and future. Judge, criticise and belittle for my hypocrisy, for my idiocy, and my weakness. I will live free, be true to me but I don't want to regret, will have no regrets. Let me burn twice as bright even if I burn for half as long.
I will have no regrets.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Movie Review: Sex and Zen：肉蒲團
This is another move adaptation of a classic Chinese literature - this time one of two most well known erotic literature in Chinese history.
Written in 1657, the Chinese name 肉蒲團 translates to "The Carnal Prayer Mat" is so titled because the book starts with protagonist speaking to the most esteemed Buddhist Priest of his time concerning the pursuit of happiness - the protagonist states that he would "pray" upon the carnal bodies of the worlds most beautiful woman and explore the boundaries of sexual ecstacy and singing of his own beauty and brilliance. With the priest warning him of karma as almost a prophecy - with it all ending as the priest said it would.
Well...at least that's what the book was about and I for one have actually read most of it - it was pretty heavy reading and my Classical Chinese is limited even at the best of times. The movie, premiered in mainstream movie theaters in 3D and was advertised as an arts film and created a huge stir over in the Asian Pacific when it was released. One of my co-workers had the 2D version on his computer and I was more than keen to know what all the fuss was about.
For the most part the movie was a softcore porn movie labelled as an arts film. Hell 3 of the lead actresses were premium Japanese Adult Entertainment Idols. So there were plenty of groaning, moaning and exaggerated expressions of climax...you will know what I'm talking about if you've seen Japanese AV. Best part about hiring them? They don't even really say much in Chinese in the movie either than making noises anyway. But with that being said, the acting wasn't half bad and there were plenty of comedic moments that wouldn't have been out of place in The Hangover movies.
The storyline was so drastically changed that it was hard to continue to use the original book title. For starters the protagonist in the movie wasn't a complete amoral son of a bitch - just a horny son of a bitch. He had good intentions and was tempted by the "Carnal Prayer Mat". Instead of surgically attaching a dogs penis to the protagonist they attached a donkey's, instead of just having affairs they had orgies, instead of a couple of woman the movie had a platoon. In the book he became a disciple of the Buddhist priest after his world collapsed around him, the movie ending was a bit more extreme but was somewhat of happy ending...in a rather extreme way that only a porn movie can.
The cinematography was quite good and one can see that they hired some of the best crew...though sometimes I wonder if they hired the best crew from the adult entertainment business as well. The costumes was wonderfully done and they even had time to include some Chinese martial arts elements in it to just add that extra Chinese/Hong Kong movie touch to it.
Overall I did enjoy it - though I'm not sure as a porno or as a movie. Should you watch it? If you're a guy it's not like you need much of an excuse to watch a porno. If you're a girl like my housemate who had to sit through 2 hours of this movie with me? Probably not.
Written in 1657, the Chinese name 肉蒲團 translates to "The Carnal Prayer Mat" is so titled because the book starts with protagonist speaking to the most esteemed Buddhist Priest of his time concerning the pursuit of happiness - the protagonist states that he would "pray" upon the carnal bodies of the worlds most beautiful woman and explore the boundaries of sexual ecstacy and singing of his own beauty and brilliance. With the priest warning him of karma as almost a prophecy - with it all ending as the priest said it would.
Well...at least that's what the book was about and I for one have actually read most of it - it was pretty heavy reading and my Classical Chinese is limited even at the best of times. The movie, premiered in mainstream movie theaters in 3D and was advertised as an arts film and created a huge stir over in the Asian Pacific when it was released. One of my co-workers had the 2D version on his computer and I was more than keen to know what all the fuss was about.
For the most part the movie was a softcore porn movie labelled as an arts film. Hell 3 of the lead actresses were premium Japanese Adult Entertainment Idols. So there were plenty of groaning, moaning and exaggerated expressions of climax...you will know what I'm talking about if you've seen Japanese AV. Best part about hiring them? They don't even really say much in Chinese in the movie either than making noises anyway. But with that being said, the acting wasn't half bad and there were plenty of comedic moments that wouldn't have been out of place in The Hangover movies.
The storyline was so drastically changed that it was hard to continue to use the original book title. For starters the protagonist in the movie wasn't a complete amoral son of a bitch - just a horny son of a bitch. He had good intentions and was tempted by the "Carnal Prayer Mat". Instead of surgically attaching a dogs penis to the protagonist they attached a donkey's, instead of just having affairs they had orgies, instead of a couple of woman the movie had a platoon. In the book he became a disciple of the Buddhist priest after his world collapsed around him, the movie ending was a bit more extreme but was somewhat of happy ending...in a rather extreme way that only a porn movie can.
The cinematography was quite good and one can see that they hired some of the best crew...though sometimes I wonder if they hired the best crew from the adult entertainment business as well. The costumes was wonderfully done and they even had time to include some Chinese martial arts elements in it to just add that extra Chinese/Hong Kong movie touch to it.
Overall I did enjoy it - though I'm not sure as a porno or as a movie. Should you watch it? If you're a guy it's not like you need much of an excuse to watch a porno. If you're a girl like my housemate who had to sit through 2 hours of this movie with me? Probably not.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
This is My Apology
I swear that Cape Town is where I obtain all my inspirations or new perspective in my life – lately every time I fly down I make a new discovery or take a small step in self realization.
Recently I have been crucifying everyone who has slighted or injured me (even if it’s only on here); their sometimes unintended injuries against me are recorded and (for good reason) punished.
Last week I concluded yet another disastrous race in attempting to woe the affections of someone whom I met recently – she choose her ex-ex-boyfriend over me is probably good judgement call – they seem better together. Only my pride was injured - but I let myself dwell on it longer than what it’s worth.
This was the backdrop to which I arrived in Cape Town, somewhat pissed off, somewhat holding a grudge against the rest of the world. I once again attempted to forget my problems in company of good friends, lots of loud music and drinking.
I called old friends and gathered to party that Saturday night; among them was one of my ex – SL. I have always been in contact with her and was surprisingly good at being friends after our brief and somewhat abrupt relationship. I was always under the impression that it was a mutual decision to breakup – one night both of us decided that it wasn’t going to work out and better to just let it go. But I was wrong.
She is a wonderful woman – so much so that I wondered why I ended things with her. Sure, I guess most people would find her “less than attractive” physically but strong, independent and full of ambition, all the attributes that I admire in a girl. I remembered why I liked her so much when I first met her, unable to remember why it didn’t work out, so I found myself drawn to this girl again.
Strangely I wasn’t the only wondering this problem, she ambushed me by suddenly announcing that timing was the reason for our demise and wished that if only we met much later. She is right, when I first met her she just finished high school, and I was in my fourth year. She was matured for her age, but in more than one sense of the world she was “wet behind the ears”.
I felt like we truly communicated for the first time, that even with our mutual attraction to each other four years ago this was the first time we truly connected. It was also for the first time that I realised just how much pain and suffering I’ve inflicted on this person with the heart of gold. How that the breakup was never mutual – merely that she sensed my growing reluctance and decided to walk away; for my benefit.
For some reason this probably hurt me more than having my affections spurred, I have been so caught up in my own self-loathing and bitterness that I have yet to look at the people around me and how much pain I’ve also in turn inflicted upon others. She is under the impression that I only saw her as a fling/hook-up – the truth is a bit more complicated and all I can say is that I was definitely undeniably so the one to blame.
I think need to admit to myself that I’m not a nice person. I should stop pretending that I’m one. It doesn’t impress people that don’t know me, and it doesn’t stop me from hurting those close to me. At least if I stop this charade some of them will stay away.
Recently I have been crucifying everyone who has slighted or injured me (even if it’s only on here); their sometimes unintended injuries against me are recorded and (for good reason) punished.
Last week I concluded yet another disastrous race in attempting to woe the affections of someone whom I met recently – she choose her ex-ex-boyfriend over me is probably good judgement call – they seem better together. Only my pride was injured - but I let myself dwell on it longer than what it’s worth.
This was the backdrop to which I arrived in Cape Town, somewhat pissed off, somewhat holding a grudge against the rest of the world. I once again attempted to forget my problems in company of good friends, lots of loud music and drinking.
I called old friends and gathered to party that Saturday night; among them was one of my ex – SL. I have always been in contact with her and was surprisingly good at being friends after our brief and somewhat abrupt relationship. I was always under the impression that it was a mutual decision to breakup – one night both of us decided that it wasn’t going to work out and better to just let it go. But I was wrong.
She is a wonderful woman – so much so that I wondered why I ended things with her. Sure, I guess most people would find her “less than attractive” physically but strong, independent and full of ambition, all the attributes that I admire in a girl. I remembered why I liked her so much when I first met her, unable to remember why it didn’t work out, so I found myself drawn to this girl again.
Strangely I wasn’t the only wondering this problem, she ambushed me by suddenly announcing that timing was the reason for our demise and wished that if only we met much later. She is right, when I first met her she just finished high school, and I was in my fourth year. She was matured for her age, but in more than one sense of the world she was “wet behind the ears”.
I felt like we truly communicated for the first time, that even with our mutual attraction to each other four years ago this was the first time we truly connected. It was also for the first time that I realised just how much pain and suffering I’ve inflicted on this person with the heart of gold. How that the breakup was never mutual – merely that she sensed my growing reluctance and decided to walk away; for my benefit.
For some reason this probably hurt me more than having my affections spurred, I have been so caught up in my own self-loathing and bitterness that I have yet to look at the people around me and how much pain I’ve also in turn inflicted upon others. She is under the impression that I only saw her as a fling/hook-up – the truth is a bit more complicated and all I can say is that I was definitely undeniably so the one to blame.
I think need to admit to myself that I’m not a nice person. I should stop pretending that I’m one. It doesn’t impress people that don’t know me, and it doesn’t stop me from hurting those close to me. At least if I stop this charade some of them will stay away.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Keeping a Lower Profile
This blog recently has become a place where I vent my emotional frustrations and often it is written at the heat of the moment and an impulsive move rather than a calm and collected presentation.
I've enjoy this outlet and it's a great way keep records of my emotions and development. But, it has been once again (rightly) pointed out to me that I've shared a bit too much information on here and so now the drive is to remove any specific names or references so that I won't land myself in hot water.
I've enjoy this outlet and it's a great way keep records of my emotions and development. But, it has been once again (rightly) pointed out to me that I've shared a bit too much information on here and so now the drive is to remove any specific names or references so that I won't land myself in hot water.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
So I'm a Threat - Thank You
I had an interesting experience a while back in Cape Town. I was having dinner with JC and her now re-united boyfriend and was placed in an unfamiliar situation - the boyfriend felt threatened by me.
Seriously, considering that I've known JC for a long time means that I knew PDA (Pubic Display of Affection) was never her thing and from recollection they were never this...energetic in front of people at even the best of times. No - the conclusion that I drew from the evening was that he felt threatened by me and felt somehow compelled to actually mark his territory - which I don't understand why. JC is very cool and pretty and all, but I think after over a decade of friendship nothing is going to happen between us. At first I thought I was imagining this animosity and so I spent most of the time trying my best to break the ice between us and be inclusive of him in our conversations. But it was later confirmed by another friend who was also in attendance at that restaurant.
Regardless - I retold this story to another friend, and he made a comment that gave me pause: "Well you do sort of have that reputation with other peoples girlfriends." At first I thought it was just a joke, then afterwards that line lingered and it hit me.
In our little group of friends, I had a crush on a good mates girlfriend. It was something that I sort of kept to myself for the duration of their relationship and a year after they broke up I finally worked up courage to ask her out. He knew about that incident. Then there was one occasion at my dinner party where one of the guests remarked on how much his current girlfriend seems to like me. It then came together in my head. I then understood why he never brought his girlfriend with him despite my numerous invitation to the both of them for meals, drinks or other social gatherings. He is genuinely scared of me. Not only that, from that comment I realised that he wasn't the only one who felt that way about me in our social circle.
Since then I have re-looked at a lot of my female friends boyfriends reactions to me and I reached the same conclusion with most of them, most of them feels uncomfortable when I'm around their girlfriends - one of them which such open hostility that I wonder why I haven't noticed till now.
Looking back there is two possible reasons for this sudden onset of hostility: 1.) My mistrust of people has grown and I have started to read peoples reactions to me even in social situations. 2.) I've only recently became a threat.
1.) would mean that experience in the "real world" corporate environment and having my heart shuttered into a million pieces has now influenced me to the point where I'm constantly vigilantly reading people 24/7. Which is a good thing, because I normally am a huge idiot in reading people in social situations.
2.) Would mean that something has changed in the last 2 years - that caused all these boyfriends to find my presence and friendship with their respective girlfriends uneasy.
The vanity in me want to believe in both of them, that I've grown most accustomed to putting my guard up with people and also that things has changed in the last 2 years that caused them to the weary.
I would like to think after these 2 years I've learnt to flatter people and engage them - that my social skills has improved dramatically and my tact is now leaps and bounds ahead of my old self. I would also like to think that after so much hard work on my physique that I've become a great deal more attractive if not bordering on good looking. The third change I suspect isn't the change in me but rather the change in other people's opinions. I have always been known to be a rich kid who will eventually have keys to the family fortune - but I guess for guys and girls alike when you're young you don't really put much weight into this - I mean we were all meant to become rock-stars and billionaires so who cares if your dad is merely "wealthy." I guess now more than ever my fathers wealth is an attractive "feature" to woman.
Regardless of the reason, because right now only thing that I care about is this: thank you for your highest compliments. Your insecurities towards me is just another testimony towards what I've done right and continue to help me build my self-esteem and also my confidence with woman. Rest assured that I will not put any "moves" on your girlfriends - really and honestly. Simply because I know that with all my female friends I have missed my chance to be more than just friends a long long time ago.
Seriously, considering that I've known JC for a long time means that I knew PDA (Pubic Display of Affection) was never her thing and from recollection they were never this...energetic in front of people at even the best of times. No - the conclusion that I drew from the evening was that he felt threatened by me and felt somehow compelled to actually mark his territory - which I don't understand why. JC is very cool and pretty and all, but I think after over a decade of friendship nothing is going to happen between us. At first I thought I was imagining this animosity and so I spent most of the time trying my best to break the ice between us and be inclusive of him in our conversations. But it was later confirmed by another friend who was also in attendance at that restaurant.
Regardless - I retold this story to another friend, and he made a comment that gave me pause: "Well you do sort of have that reputation with other peoples girlfriends." At first I thought it was just a joke, then afterwards that line lingered and it hit me.
In our little group of friends, I had a crush on a good mates girlfriend. It was something that I sort of kept to myself for the duration of their relationship and a year after they broke up I finally worked up courage to ask her out. He knew about that incident. Then there was one occasion at my dinner party where one of the guests remarked on how much his current girlfriend seems to like me. It then came together in my head. I then understood why he never brought his girlfriend with him despite my numerous invitation to the both of them for meals, drinks or other social gatherings. He is genuinely scared of me. Not only that, from that comment I realised that he wasn't the only one who felt that way about me in our social circle.
Since then I have re-looked at a lot of my female friends boyfriends reactions to me and I reached the same conclusion with most of them, most of them feels uncomfortable when I'm around their girlfriends - one of them which such open hostility that I wonder why I haven't noticed till now.
Looking back there is two possible reasons for this sudden onset of hostility: 1.) My mistrust of people has grown and I have started to read peoples reactions to me even in social situations. 2.) I've only recently became a threat.
1.) would mean that experience in the "real world" corporate environment and having my heart shuttered into a million pieces has now influenced me to the point where I'm constantly vigilantly reading people 24/7. Which is a good thing, because I normally am a huge idiot in reading people in social situations.
2.) Would mean that something has changed in the last 2 years - that caused all these boyfriends to find my presence and friendship with their respective girlfriends uneasy.
The vanity in me want to believe in both of them, that I've grown most accustomed to putting my guard up with people and also that things has changed in the last 2 years that caused them to the weary.
I would like to think after these 2 years I've learnt to flatter people and engage them - that my social skills has improved dramatically and my tact is now leaps and bounds ahead of my old self. I would also like to think that after so much hard work on my physique that I've become a great deal more attractive if not bordering on good looking. The third change I suspect isn't the change in me but rather the change in other people's opinions. I have always been known to be a rich kid who will eventually have keys to the family fortune - but I guess for guys and girls alike when you're young you don't really put much weight into this - I mean we were all meant to become rock-stars and billionaires so who cares if your dad is merely "wealthy." I guess now more than ever my fathers wealth is an attractive "feature" to woman.
Regardless of the reason, because right now only thing that I care about is this: thank you for your highest compliments. Your insecurities towards me is just another testimony towards what I've done right and continue to help me build my self-esteem and also my confidence with woman. Rest assured that I will not put any "moves" on your girlfriends - really and honestly. Simply because I know that with all my female friends I have missed my chance to be more than just friends a long long time ago.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Time to Just Give Up
Two weekends ago I went back to Cape Town for rest and fun - OK not so much rest rather than a weekend of complete debauchery. Nowadays I only return to greet old friends - otherwise I don't stay there long enough to do interesting things that make my trip worthwhile.
When friends return from China/HK/UK/US/Sweden and I would try to plan a weekend down see them and also wreck havoc while down there. Normally I don't ONLY go down because of their arrival, rather because I try to plan my trips to coincide. This particular weekend was such when JB one of my closest friends from my high school days returned to Cape Town from Oxford.
A while back she told me when she will be back and looking at my schedule (yes I have one) and thought that it was perfect because it would be the weekend after my CFA exams and can double up as my post-exams celebrations.
She has a busy schedule when she is down in Cape Town spending time with friends and family and most importantly with the boyfriend. So I tried to be understanding when she renegades me to only tea or light lunch and sometimes just cancelling it all together. Still I only held a small grudge and I sometimes more than a little that I was never invited over for meals with the family after all the years.
This time round was the final straw, I made it very clear to her the week before that I'm making this trip SPECIALLY so that I can met up with her. I was renegaded from a meal to a light lunch to tea at her place to finally being cancelled altogether. I give up.
I realised that we have grown apart through the years and it didn't occur to her how much it breaks my heart to think that she couldn't even spare me a few hours of her free time. She helped me through some of my darkest hours and so I truly thought of her as my confidant.
The suffering in the past year helped me to realise that life is too short, I don't have the time, or energy (or money for that matter) to waste on people that makes me feel like shit - I must learn to let go.
When friends return from China/HK/UK/US/Sweden and I would try to plan a weekend down see them and also wreck havoc while down there. Normally I don't ONLY go down because of their arrival, rather because I try to plan my trips to coincide. This particular weekend was such when JB one of my closest friends from my high school days returned to Cape Town from Oxford.
A while back she told me when she will be back and looking at my schedule (yes I have one) and thought that it was perfect because it would be the weekend after my CFA exams and can double up as my post-exams celebrations.
She has a busy schedule when she is down in Cape Town spending time with friends and family and most importantly with the boyfriend. So I tried to be understanding when she renegades me to only tea or light lunch and sometimes just cancelling it all together. Still I only held a small grudge and I sometimes more than a little that I was never invited over for meals with the family after all the years.
This time round was the final straw, I made it very clear to her the week before that I'm making this trip SPECIALLY so that I can met up with her. I was renegaded from a meal to a light lunch to tea at her place to finally being cancelled altogether. I give up.
I realised that we have grown apart through the years and it didn't occur to her how much it breaks my heart to think that she couldn't even spare me a few hours of her free time. She helped me through some of my darkest hours and so I truly thought of her as my confidant.
The suffering in the past year helped me to realise that life is too short, I don't have the time, or energy (or money for that matter) to waste on people that makes me feel like shit - I must learn to let go.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sins of the Father
Towards the end of April I had dinner with my aunt (the younger sister of my father) and it was a rather strange affair considering that I haven't seen her since my grandfathers funeral four years ago.
My father and his sibling used to be very close and I always had fond memories of this woman who was warm and affectionate. Describing their relations as strained nowadays would be an under-statement - they haven't spoken for almost 4 years and if it wasn't the passing of my grandfathers I don't think they would've seen each other for a much longer time. Both embody the classic family trait of headstrong, stubborn and unforgiving, the same traits that allowed members of the extended family to flourish during the worst of times in China and now practically conquering Southern Africa.
For the most part - without taking sides the simple truth is that within the struggle for power that ensured in the DRC my dad and uncle lost whilst my aunt won. My dad is bitter that he lost and to be fair my father is acting like a kid because of it.
This meeting was long overdue, for the most part I still hold this aunt in high regard partially because I was the youngest and partially because out of the all the grandchildren I was the most loved. So sitting for breakfast at the Pivot Hotel in Monte Casino waiting for my aunt was an unusual feeling of anticipation and sadness I wondered "How did our family get to this point? That meeting a favourite aunt needed to be treaded so carefully."
Regardless, soon after her arrival the conversation went quickly and rather painfully - she appealed to me to forget whatever happened between her and her elder brother, that whatever happens between them is between them and shouldn't having any bearing on what our relationship should be like.
To me that comment can be rather disingenuous - as the main benefactor to my fathers fortunes her gain was my loss (a huge one at that) and setting the precedence that I have to be careful around this woman. I also have no doubt that my cousins will also have their guards up around me due to my father - the seeds of distrust has been sown.
No, dear Aunty - sins of the father will pass one from generation to generation. If our family were the forgiving type we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I will continue to remember you as that kind and generous woman that has greeted me whenever I was in Hong Kong, but things will never be the same again between us, I will always be careful around you from now on. For that I'm truly sad.
My father and his sibling used to be very close and I always had fond memories of this woman who was warm and affectionate. Describing their relations as strained nowadays would be an under-statement - they haven't spoken for almost 4 years and if it wasn't the passing of my grandfathers I don't think they would've seen each other for a much longer time. Both embody the classic family trait of headstrong, stubborn and unforgiving, the same traits that allowed members of the extended family to flourish during the worst of times in China and now practically conquering Southern Africa.
For the most part - without taking sides the simple truth is that within the struggle for power that ensured in the DRC my dad and uncle lost whilst my aunt won. My dad is bitter that he lost and to be fair my father is acting like a kid because of it.
This meeting was long overdue, for the most part I still hold this aunt in high regard partially because I was the youngest and partially because out of the all the grandchildren I was the most loved. So sitting for breakfast at the Pivot Hotel in Monte Casino waiting for my aunt was an unusual feeling of anticipation and sadness I wondered "How did our family get to this point? That meeting a favourite aunt needed to be treaded so carefully."
Regardless, soon after her arrival the conversation went quickly and rather painfully - she appealed to me to forget whatever happened between her and her elder brother, that whatever happens between them is between them and shouldn't having any bearing on what our relationship should be like.
To me that comment can be rather disingenuous - as the main benefactor to my fathers fortunes her gain was my loss (a huge one at that) and setting the precedence that I have to be careful around this woman. I also have no doubt that my cousins will also have their guards up around me due to my father - the seeds of distrust has been sown.
No, dear Aunty - sins of the father will pass one from generation to generation. If our family were the forgiving type we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I will continue to remember you as that kind and generous woman that has greeted me whenever I was in Hong Kong, but things will never be the same again between us, I will always be careful around you from now on. For that I'm truly sad.
Friday, June 10, 2011
CFA Level 2 Exams and Beyond
I wrote the Chartered Financial Analyst Exams last Saturday - two years after I wrote and passed Level 1 on my first attempt. It was a really strange experience and thinking back I had so much riding on that exam.
After a 6 month job search the best I could manage was a position as a Researcher in a glorified call center - doing cold calls. Little more than 2 months working I quit the job citing the slow destruction of my pride and sanity. Impulsively I convinced myself that the one way that I was going to salvage that year was to write and pass the first CFA exams. So 2 days before the final registration date I paid a hefty sum of US$1080 and started studying vigorously. The idea was to spend the next 3 months studying for the exam.
I performed very poorly at university - achieving very low marks and just managing to scrap a pass for every subject despite being one of the most engaging student in my lectures (well, the ones that I bothered going to). During that time I never doubted my abilities, merely my motivation for a degree that my parents forced upon me.
But for that exam I was completely driven - I knew that if I was to fail in this endeavour then one of two conclusions could've been draw: 1: I lack potential to succeed. 2. I lack the temperament to succeed at crucial moments. In either case the conclusion would've been that I was FAR from exceptional - a conclusion that I was MORE than willing to accept at that point in time. After spending almost 2 months being completely locked up in my house and room studying over 12 hours a day - I wrote and passed the exam comfortably achieving 75%+ for 8 out of the 9 sections. That exam partially helped me to believe in myself again - but this time round it was very different mentality that I wrote the level 2 exam.
Level 2 I registered because I felt I needed to improve my credentials and continue my growth - but realised a month later that I made the wrong decision considering that my career path has been moving further and further away from Financial Markets and Asset Management. Regardless I felt that it was great life lesson in perseverance, time management and generally life management. Since this time round I would be writing this exam while working a full time job with chaotic and volatile work hours. The studying didn't go as well as I hoped it would due to all manners of distractions - as well as having my study leave (week before the exam) cancelled in the last minute due to pressing matters. The likelihood of me passing this time round is about as good as me winning the lottery (too many questions guessed).
Comparing myself to the lost kid 2 years ago, without any idea what he wants in life, where he wants to go and who he is. I've come a long long way. Now, I KIND of know what I want in life, I have a VAGUE definition of what happiness is and a very foggy idea of how I would achieve it. If there is one thing I know about myself is that I'm a stubborn asshole that has my sight on a target I just don't let go.
This time round, I will be steadfast, I will be strong, I BELIEVE in myself and I WILL succeed in whatever life throws at me.
After a 6 month job search the best I could manage was a position as a Researcher in a glorified call center - doing cold calls. Little more than 2 months working I quit the job citing the slow destruction of my pride and sanity. Impulsively I convinced myself that the one way that I was going to salvage that year was to write and pass the first CFA exams. So 2 days before the final registration date I paid a hefty sum of US$1080 and started studying vigorously. The idea was to spend the next 3 months studying for the exam.
I performed very poorly at university - achieving very low marks and just managing to scrap a pass for every subject despite being one of the most engaging student in my lectures (well, the ones that I bothered going to). During that time I never doubted my abilities, merely my motivation for a degree that my parents forced upon me.
But for that exam I was completely driven - I knew that if I was to fail in this endeavour then one of two conclusions could've been draw: 1: I lack potential to succeed. 2. I lack the temperament to succeed at crucial moments. In either case the conclusion would've been that I was FAR from exceptional - a conclusion that I was MORE than willing to accept at that point in time. After spending almost 2 months being completely locked up in my house and room studying over 12 hours a day - I wrote and passed the exam comfortably achieving 75%+ for 8 out of the 9 sections. That exam partially helped me to believe in myself again - but this time round it was very different mentality that I wrote the level 2 exam.
Level 2 I registered because I felt I needed to improve my credentials and continue my growth - but realised a month later that I made the wrong decision considering that my career path has been moving further and further away from Financial Markets and Asset Management. Regardless I felt that it was great life lesson in perseverance, time management and generally life management. Since this time round I would be writing this exam while working a full time job with chaotic and volatile work hours. The studying didn't go as well as I hoped it would due to all manners of distractions - as well as having my study leave (week before the exam) cancelled in the last minute due to pressing matters. The likelihood of me passing this time round is about as good as me winning the lottery (too many questions guessed).
Comparing myself to the lost kid 2 years ago, without any idea what he wants in life, where he wants to go and who he is. I've come a long long way. Now, I KIND of know what I want in life, I have a VAGUE definition of what happiness is and a very foggy idea of how I would achieve it. If there is one thing I know about myself is that I'm a stubborn asshole that has my sight on a target I just don't let go.
This time round, I will be steadfast, I will be strong, I BELIEVE in myself and I WILL succeed in whatever life throws at me.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Review: Norwegian Wood
I have quoted many times from this book and I only realised tonight that I never wrote a review for it. Considering that is was one of the most memorable books I've ever read I would be remiss to not do it justice like the rest of my favourite Murakami books.
Written by the Japanese author Murakami Haruki （村上 春樹） and translated by Jay Rubin. Murakami is currently my favourite (still living) author and for my money the best writing style of any author in any language. (though I suspect most of the credits will have to be given to the translator) His ability to paint the most breath taking imagery and the mastery to invoke emotions is second to none.
Unlike the other two Murakami books that I've reviewed thus far this book is unique in that it draws on Murakami's own life experiences which resulted in speculation whether this was a fictionalised autobiography of his youth. A suggestion that he denies, stating that his youth was far more mundane but I didn't research too much into it - maybe it is, maybe it isn't. So unlike the previous books, no talking cats and strange pseudo sciences. But classically Japanese - sexually charged and explicit but never vulgar.
The story follows the protagonist and narrator - Watanabe Toru. Following his experiences as a Japanese youth through high school and university. The story opens with the elderly Toru landing in Hamburg, Germany where he hears the Beatles song - "Norwegian Wood" and was immediately overwhelmed by a sudden and unexpected wave of sorrow and nostalgia. The song was the favourite of an emotional fragile girl named Naoko, and from here Toru narrates this story.
It follows his struggle after the unexpected suicide of his best friend, leaving his girlfriend Naoko, traumatised. Naoko and Toru becomes involved and shares a turbulent relationship, back-dropped against chaotic times when university students were far more concerned with the social protests than studies - which also doubles as Murakami's criticism of hypocrisy of the student movement then. He then meets the free-spirited and lively girl named Midori and found his affections being torn between the two woman.
I have mentioned in other posts that I was completely dumbstruck the first chapter, Murakami painted a scene of mesmerizing beauty, rich with emotions as if one could touch the incredible sense of energy and love Toru had for Naoko. The final scene in the chapter was filled with pleasant nostalgia that warmed the heart and then he plunged the reader into collective depression by ending it with "But Naoko never loved me." (yes, I also plagiarised that line, so sue me)
The matter-of-fact way that Murakami ended the chapter set the tone for the rest of the novel - because it resembles watching a car accident in slow motion. Painful to watch but at the same time so captivating that you are unable to avert your eyes. The book for the most part was depressing - I enjoy and consume tragedies but reading it made me feel heavy for days afterwards. It touched me in ways that only a well written book can.
Written by the Japanese author Murakami Haruki （村上 春樹） and translated by Jay Rubin. Murakami is currently my favourite (still living) author and for my money the best writing style of any author in any language. (though I suspect most of the credits will have to be given to the translator) His ability to paint the most breath taking imagery and the mastery to invoke emotions is second to none.
Unlike the other two Murakami books that I've reviewed thus far this book is unique in that it draws on Murakami's own life experiences which resulted in speculation whether this was a fictionalised autobiography of his youth. A suggestion that he denies, stating that his youth was far more mundane but I didn't research too much into it - maybe it is, maybe it isn't. So unlike the previous books, no talking cats and strange pseudo sciences. But classically Japanese - sexually charged and explicit but never vulgar.
The story follows the protagonist and narrator - Watanabe Toru. Following his experiences as a Japanese youth through high school and university. The story opens with the elderly Toru landing in Hamburg, Germany where he hears the Beatles song - "Norwegian Wood" and was immediately overwhelmed by a sudden and unexpected wave of sorrow and nostalgia. The song was the favourite of an emotional fragile girl named Naoko, and from here Toru narrates this story.
It follows his struggle after the unexpected suicide of his best friend, leaving his girlfriend Naoko, traumatised. Naoko and Toru becomes involved and shares a turbulent relationship, back-dropped against chaotic times when university students were far more concerned with the social protests than studies - which also doubles as Murakami's criticism of hypocrisy of the student movement then. He then meets the free-spirited and lively girl named Midori and found his affections being torn between the two woman.
I have mentioned in other posts that I was completely dumbstruck the first chapter, Murakami painted a scene of mesmerizing beauty, rich with emotions as if one could touch the incredible sense of energy and love Toru had for Naoko. The final scene in the chapter was filled with pleasant nostalgia that warmed the heart and then he plunged the reader into collective depression by ending it with "But Naoko never loved me." (yes, I also plagiarised that line, so sue me)
The matter-of-fact way that Murakami ended the chapter set the tone for the rest of the novel - because it resembles watching a car accident in slow motion. Painful to watch but at the same time so captivating that you are unable to avert your eyes. The book for the most part was depressing - I enjoy and consume tragedies but reading it made me feel heavy for days afterwards. It touched me in ways that only a well written book can.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Never To Trust Again
Seven months ago, when I was at the height (or depth) of my depression I wondered if I can trust anyone again - if I could ever open my heart to someone unreservedly again. Ok, I will be honest it didn't come as much of a coherent thought as a quick flash that was followed by unqualified panic and pain. Months later, I revisted this question and here follows then answer.
As background I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned on this blog numerous times that I don't trust easily - I have cultivated a reputation for working well with difficult people not because I trust them or see the best in them. Au contraire I'm the opposite, because I never expected any real results from people in the first place I was never disappointed and planned projects with lots of contingencies. The exceptions to this rule can be counted with one hand. I also don't like to be proven wrong on this.
This is on professional level - strangely (or not) on a personal level I dream of being proven wrong. I openly admit that when it comes to emotions I'm a cynic that hopes,dreams and desperately want to be proven wrong. I desperately want to trust people but can never seem to let myself go. Until I met her.
The start, process and conclusion of that encounter are fairly well documented in previous posts and I will not go mention them here. I've moved on to accept reality - but I will be lying if I told you that I no longer love her, the truth is that I still do - love her more than anything else.
Now lately I re-asked myself the question on whether I could trust again and I can definitely answer - NO! I will never emotionally commit myself to a single person again, the idea terrified me before; now I'm nauseated by the thought of it.
For more importantly I will never trust myself again, looking back I never prioritised my own well-being. Never given much thought to own emotional health as I continued to tortured myself again and again - knowingly and relentlessly.
I will continue to feel these emotions, if anything I feel emotions more vividly and in a more profound way than ever before - but I will no longer trust these emotions that I feel. I will be an addict to emotions - the pain, disappointment, anticipation, exhilaration and ecstasy, but never trust or invest in them because I don't trust myself to know what they mean. Or that if any good will come out of it.
As background I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned on this blog numerous times that I don't trust easily - I have cultivated a reputation for working well with difficult people not because I trust them or see the best in them. Au contraire I'm the opposite, because I never expected any real results from people in the first place I was never disappointed and planned projects with lots of contingencies. The exceptions to this rule can be counted with one hand. I also don't like to be proven wrong on this.
This is on professional level - strangely (or not) on a personal level I dream of being proven wrong. I openly admit that when it comes to emotions I'm a cynic that hopes,dreams and desperately want to be proven wrong. I desperately want to trust people but can never seem to let myself go. Until I met her.
The start, process and conclusion of that encounter are fairly well documented in previous posts and I will not go mention them here. I've moved on to accept reality - but I will be lying if I told you that I no longer love her, the truth is that I still do - love her more than anything else.
Now lately I re-asked myself the question on whether I could trust again and I can definitely answer - NO! I will never emotionally commit myself to a single person again, the idea terrified me before; now I'm nauseated by the thought of it.
For more importantly I will never trust myself again, looking back I never prioritised my own well-being. Never given much thought to own emotional health as I continued to tortured myself again and again - knowingly and relentlessly.
I will continue to feel these emotions, if anything I feel emotions more vividly and in a more profound way than ever before - but I will no longer trust these emotions that I feel. I will be an addict to emotions - the pain, disappointment, anticipation, exhilaration and ecstasy, but never trust or invest in them because I don't trust myself to know what they mean. Or that if any good will come out of it.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Movie Review: A Chinese Ghost Story (倩女幽魂) 1987 Version
This was one of the Hong Kong movie classics that was released at around 1987, based on the stories written by the author Púsōng líng （蒲松龄） in his "Strange Tales from a Chinese Studio" compilation (聊齋志異)whose first volume was first published at around 1680 (though may be as late as 1705). These stories are popular for their incredible imagination that is based on folklore concerning ghosts, monsters and demons that is familiar to many of his contemporary audience; but what really made them shine and truly unique anywhere in the world at the time was the humanisation of these ghastly creatures. He was probably the first Chinese author to humanise these inhuman entities and demonise humans. He was centuries ahead of his time.
The Chinese name of the story "倩女幽魂" loosely translated means "Ghost of an Elegant Girl." The main female lead is a spirit that was captured by an evil Tree Spirit and forced to use her female charms to lure unsuspecting men so that the Tree Spirit can devour their living energy. Her love interest is a naive traveling scholar who resisted her sexual advances in their first meeting and was saved because of it.
The formula to the movie was a rather classic one, girl meets boy, fall in love and girl sacrifices herself to save boy but boy enters hell to save girl. But even by today's standard (especially since how Hong Kong is now perennially shooting sub-par movies that satisfies the lowest common denominator) the movie was exquisitely executed.
The two leads will always be remembered for their role in this movie (even if the male lead had a FAR more successful career as a singer and he will be best remembered in the critically and internationally acclaimed: "Farewell, My Concubine" ), the acting was good and the casting brilliant. The soundtrack from the movie was also more than memorable. The theme song: "Dawn, please don't come" (黎明不要來） is soul wrenching, the last time I watched this movie was 16 years ago and I can still recall the chorus line ”不許紅日!“ (don't you dare red sun!, or red sun I don't give you permission) when I was reminded of this movie. The last scene with the tearful girl disappearing under the red light of dawn with this song playing in the background was close to perfection for 1980's cinematography.
I often wondered why Hong Kong can't or won't make movies like this anymore - this story had everything: depth, profoundly satirical, a strong script, plenty of Chinese martial arts action scenes (though many Western audiences find it over the top), monsters and a touching love story. It was timeless.
Personally this film will shame almost all recent solely Hong Kong productions with the obvious exception of Infernal Affairs (aka 無間道, aka The Departed）. Otherwise if you're looking for quality Chinese language movies go to the mainland.
I'm also very excited that they've remade this movie (A Chinese Fairy Tale) under the same Chinese name with big names coming from both Mainland and Hong Kong. The female lead's acting ability is rather questionable but this role is perfect for her in the way that Keanu Reeves was perfect to play the emotionless alien in "The Day the Earth Stood Still". We will see.
Edit 1: I originally said that the male lead (Leslie Cheung) had a more successful career as an singer, but I was mistaken in that he also stared in the Cannes Grand Prix winning(before there was a Golden Palm award) movie "Farewell, My Concubine."
The Chinese name of the story "倩女幽魂" loosely translated means "Ghost of an Elegant Girl." The main female lead is a spirit that was captured by an evil Tree Spirit and forced to use her female charms to lure unsuspecting men so that the Tree Spirit can devour their living energy. Her love interest is a naive traveling scholar who resisted her sexual advances in their first meeting and was saved because of it.
The formula to the movie was a rather classic one, girl meets boy, fall in love and girl sacrifices herself to save boy but boy enters hell to save girl. But even by today's standard (especially since how Hong Kong is now perennially shooting sub-par movies that satisfies the lowest common denominator) the movie was exquisitely executed.
The two leads will always be remembered for their role in this movie (even if the male lead had a FAR more successful career as a singer and he will be best remembered in the critically and internationally acclaimed: "Farewell, My Concubine" ), the acting was good and the casting brilliant. The soundtrack from the movie was also more than memorable. The theme song: "Dawn, please don't come" (黎明不要來） is soul wrenching, the last time I watched this movie was 16 years ago and I can still recall the chorus line ”不許紅日!“ (don't you dare red sun!, or red sun I don't give you permission) when I was reminded of this movie. The last scene with the tearful girl disappearing under the red light of dawn with this song playing in the background was close to perfection for 1980's cinematography.
I often wondered why Hong Kong can't or won't make movies like this anymore - this story had everything: depth, profoundly satirical, a strong script, plenty of Chinese martial arts action scenes (though many Western audiences find it over the top), monsters and a touching love story. It was timeless.
Personally this film will shame almost all recent solely Hong Kong productions with the obvious exception of Infernal Affairs (aka 無間道, aka The Departed）. Otherwise if you're looking for quality Chinese language movies go to the mainland.
I'm also very excited that they've remade this movie (A Chinese Fairy Tale) under the same Chinese name with big names coming from both Mainland and Hong Kong. The female lead's acting ability is rather questionable but this role is perfect for her in the way that Keanu Reeves was perfect to play the emotionless alien in "The Day the Earth Stood Still". We will see.
Edit 1: I originally said that the male lead (Leslie Cheung) had a more successful career as an singer, but I was mistaken in that he also stared in the Cannes Grand Prix winning(before there was a Golden Palm award) movie "Farewell, My Concubine."
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Open Letter of Apology to My Lecturers and Professors
Dear Sir/Madam
Since leaving university I have been out in the real world earning (mostly) a real living and doing (dare I say) real things.
Now let’s get the most obvious out of the way - without the education and the brand name of the university behind in my CV and resume I doubt I would be here where I'm today. While university education doesn't guarantee you a job it does get you an interview (I would know I have been interviewed for at least 40+ jobs since leaving).
No, what I want to thank you all is the amount of time that you have had me writing Bullshit (hereafter referred to as BS for my more sensitive readers).
You see, while at university doing what my engineering and science faculty counterparts call BS (aka Business Science) I was definitely engaging in activity what I was willing to concede as BS about 80% of time. Now take statistics for example, while it is rooted in robust science and firm academic foundations it is hard to understand how most things (if anything) ever really fits into the so called "normal" distribution. I went through all my years of university using OLS (ordinary least square) regression for just about EVERYTHING I do. The assumptions attached these models are somewhat dodgie and to the uninitiated might seem rather like hardcore science I found the expectation that NO VIOLATION of these rather tedious assumptions to be rather far-fetched. In short, while I fully believe that if we’re able to properly satisfy all the assumptions built into these models would definitely have powerful explanatory powers; the chances of me ever running into such a perfect example has the same chance of me winning the lottery (incidentally around 12 million to 1)
So basically I was never truly convinced by just how robust these models of realities are, but regardless like a good boy I soldiered on, learning everything my lecturers have to teach me and defend these very concepts that I take with a (HUGE) pinch of salt. Effectively I was brainwashing myself to: stretch the truth, ignore limitations, and sometimes just blatantly lie out of my hole but do it with true conviction; even while I (not so) secretly mock and ridicule these methodologies. Of course while I mock the methodologies I also openly mock my lecturers and professors for shoveling this BS down my throat. But I persevered, thinking that one day when I reach the "real" world I would be free from it.
I was so wrong.
Academics was only secondary compared to what my true education was about. A lesson in writing the most magnificent lies and half truths that my clients, executives and "leaders" can appreciate; not their accuracy but rather how magnificently I have turned BS into a work of art. Really none of these people who read my reports and presentations are stupid; instead they merely enjoy the inverse correlation between my conviction and reality of my words.
So here, I sincerely thank you all - my teachers and mentors for these wonderful skills that you have bestowed upon me and just how grateful I have been for your dedication to making sure that your charges obtain the best possible education that you can give and how I have reaped the rewards of your actions.
Since leaving university I have been out in the real world earning (mostly) a real living and doing (dare I say) real things.
Now let’s get the most obvious out of the way - without the education and the brand name of the university behind in my CV and resume I doubt I would be here where I'm today. While university education doesn't guarantee you a job it does get you an interview (I would know I have been interviewed for at least 40+ jobs since leaving).
No, what I want to thank you all is the amount of time that you have had me writing Bullshit (hereafter referred to as BS for my more sensitive readers).
You see, while at university doing what my engineering and science faculty counterparts call BS (aka Business Science) I was definitely engaging in activity what I was willing to concede as BS about 80% of time. Now take statistics for example, while it is rooted in robust science and firm academic foundations it is hard to understand how most things (if anything) ever really fits into the so called "normal" distribution. I went through all my years of university using OLS (ordinary least square) regression for just about EVERYTHING I do. The assumptions attached these models are somewhat dodgie and to the uninitiated might seem rather like hardcore science I found the expectation that NO VIOLATION of these rather tedious assumptions to be rather far-fetched. In short, while I fully believe that if we’re able to properly satisfy all the assumptions built into these models would definitely have powerful explanatory powers; the chances of me ever running into such a perfect example has the same chance of me winning the lottery (incidentally around 12 million to 1)
So basically I was never truly convinced by just how robust these models of realities are, but regardless like a good boy I soldiered on, learning everything my lecturers have to teach me and defend these very concepts that I take with a (HUGE) pinch of salt. Effectively I was brainwashing myself to: stretch the truth, ignore limitations, and sometimes just blatantly lie out of my hole but do it with true conviction; even while I (not so) secretly mock and ridicule these methodologies. Of course while I mock the methodologies I also openly mock my lecturers and professors for shoveling this BS down my throat. But I persevered, thinking that one day when I reach the "real" world I would be free from it.
I was so wrong.
Academics was only secondary compared to what my true education was about. A lesson in writing the most magnificent lies and half truths that my clients, executives and "leaders" can appreciate; not their accuracy but rather how magnificently I have turned BS into a work of art. Really none of these people who read my reports and presentations are stupid; instead they merely enjoy the inverse correlation between my conviction and reality of my words.
So here, I sincerely thank you all - my teachers and mentors for these wonderful skills that you have bestowed upon me and just how grateful I have been for your dedication to making sure that your charges obtain the best possible education that you can give and how I have reaped the rewards of your actions.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tale of Two Woman
Now as a short introduction: I almost exclusively had male, Caucasian friends.
If one was to look at my social circle from when I was living in Cape Town my group was the proverbial "sausage fest", yet if you look at my social circle up here in Johannesburg it's overwhelmingly: Chinese and female.
Now I can't really understand why that is the case, why the sudden change. But overall I'm not too concerned with it. For the most part I enjoy their company even though sometimes I long for some arrogant male chauvinist fun.
Now to the topic at hand, lately I have been shocked by two woman's sudden decision to drop everything and go back to Cape Town to reconcile with the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Their decision comes as a huge shock to me both because of their suddenness and seemingly as a truly terrible idea.
Now as a good friend to both of these two girls and take both their well being as the paramount importance - my reaction to their almost identical decisions was rather drastically different. Both educated, Chinese, raised in South Africa, incredibly pretty and with warm personalities that attract vast majority of the male population, but at the same time couldn't have been more different.
The first girl is a strong character, generally well thought of by everyone she meets (male or female). Sometime it seems to me that she does rash things that defies logic - but what never seizes to surprise me is her ability to make the best of her decision. She calls herself easily pleased but for me she is personification of true inner strength.
The second is a rather timid girl whose vulnerability inspires men to help her, nurture her and protect her. On the other hand the same quality makes her very unpopular with other girls; especially pretty ones. Her lack of mental strength, and competence in the work place makes me more than worried. Unlike the first girl who can make the biggest mistake and still make the best of the it - to me she doesn't appear to understand the implication and consequences of her actions. Neither does she have the inner strength to support herself through the hard times.
When the first girl told me about her sudden decision I was able to rattle out the usual cliches: do what your heart tells you, I will always support your decision, you never know unless you try. For some reason I even meant it.
The second one I eventually rattled through some of the meanest and harshest things to say about her and her boyfriend. I guess maybe it's because of trust: I don't trust her to make the right decisions. What's hurts more is probably because I care for her, a lot. Even worse, I don't believe she understands what she is doing. Eventually days after the initial outburst I spewed the same cliches that I told the first girl - but for fucks sakes I don't in my 'heart of hearts' mean it at all.
I realised that I have neither the right or ability to convince her to reconsider her decision. All I can hope now is that I haven't burnt the bridge so badly that she won't even as ask for my help when she needs it. My worst nightmare is now that I have irrevocably dented her trust in me that I'm now just an irritation to her.
I guess that's why I'm so bloody miserable lately: I want to help so badly but it seems like the more I care the more damage I do - to her and myself. I breaks my heart to think that despite coming from the best of intentions and with her best interest at heart all I have achieved is to lose a friend?
Or is this my punishment? For being so arrogant as to believe that I know what's best for someone else? Is this the hell that I found myself walking towards on the pavement that has been completely paved with good intentions?
Screw this, I intend to get horrendously drunk.
UPDATE 1: I got TOTALLY trashed last night and broke my personal record for the most tequila downed in less than 30min. My head hurts...
If one was to look at my social circle from when I was living in Cape Town my group was the proverbial "sausage fest", yet if you look at my social circle up here in Johannesburg it's overwhelmingly: Chinese and female.
Now I can't really understand why that is the case, why the sudden change. But overall I'm not too concerned with it. For the most part I enjoy their company even though sometimes I long for some arrogant male chauvinist fun.
Now to the topic at hand, lately I have been shocked by two woman's sudden decision to drop everything and go back to Cape Town to reconcile with the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Their decision comes as a huge shock to me both because of their suddenness and seemingly as a truly terrible idea.
Now as a good friend to both of these two girls and take both their well being as the paramount importance - my reaction to their almost identical decisions was rather drastically different. Both educated, Chinese, raised in South Africa, incredibly pretty and with warm personalities that attract vast majority of the male population, but at the same time couldn't have been more different.
The first girl is a strong character, generally well thought of by everyone she meets (male or female). Sometime it seems to me that she does rash things that defies logic - but what never seizes to surprise me is her ability to make the best of her decision. She calls herself easily pleased but for me she is personification of true inner strength.
The second is a rather timid girl whose vulnerability inspires men to help her, nurture her and protect her. On the other hand the same quality makes her very unpopular with other girls; especially pretty ones. Her lack of mental strength, and competence in the work place makes me more than worried. Unlike the first girl who can make the biggest mistake and still make the best of the it - to me she doesn't appear to understand the implication and consequences of her actions. Neither does she have the inner strength to support herself through the hard times.
When the first girl told me about her sudden decision I was able to rattle out the usual cliches: do what your heart tells you, I will always support your decision, you never know unless you try. For some reason I even meant it.
The second one I eventually rattled through some of the meanest and harshest things to say about her and her boyfriend. I guess maybe it's because of trust: I don't trust her to make the right decisions. What's hurts more is probably because I care for her, a lot. Even worse, I don't believe she understands what she is doing. Eventually days after the initial outburst I spewed the same cliches that I told the first girl - but for fucks sakes I don't in my 'heart of hearts' mean it at all.
I realised that I have neither the right or ability to convince her to reconsider her decision. All I can hope now is that I haven't burnt the bridge so badly that she won't even as ask for my help when she needs it. My worst nightmare is now that I have irrevocably dented her trust in me that I'm now just an irritation to her.
I guess that's why I'm so bloody miserable lately: I want to help so badly but it seems like the more I care the more damage I do - to her and myself. I breaks my heart to think that despite coming from the best of intentions and with her best interest at heart all I have achieved is to lose a friend?
Or is this my punishment? For being so arrogant as to believe that I know what's best for someone else? Is this the hell that I found myself walking towards on the pavement that has been completely paved with good intentions?
Screw this, I intend to get horrendously drunk.
UPDATE 1: I got TOTALLY trashed last night and broke my personal record for the most tequila downed in less than 30min. My head hurts...
Monday, April 4, 2011
One Year Anniversary
Tomorrow would mark my one year here at my company. "Most probably" it will also be the day that they officially announce my promotion to my ex-boss's job.
Most people would be rather excited, I seem to remember saying that I want his job within a year and of sorts I already had his job and his pay for the most of the last 5 months.
So you will excuse me if my excitement is rather limited and sober. I've already taken a bigger bite than I can chew with this job and frankly it's not fun. Something tells me that I'm in need of a change in environment - new challenges and most importantly - BETTER PAY. Despite being called the most valuable "local employee" here in the department I'm also currently the lowest paid one.
So they better start doing something!!!
Most people would be rather excited, I seem to remember saying that I want his job within a year and of sorts I already had his job and his pay for the most of the last 5 months.
So you will excuse me if my excitement is rather limited and sober. I've already taken a bigger bite than I can chew with this job and frankly it's not fun. Something tells me that I'm in need of a change in environment - new challenges and most importantly - BETTER PAY. Despite being called the most valuable "local employee" here in the department I'm also currently the lowest paid one.
So they better start doing something!!!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Heroes Fall
I have always been more than a little prone to hero worship, whether it was my more than a little strange infatuation with the rise and life of Arnold Schwarzenegger (don't ask) to a senior in my high school and lastly to one of my fathers business partners.
Now I spent a lot of time psycho analysing myself and trying to figure out what makes me tick and I concluded that my propensity for hero worship is due to growing up as the youngest member in a big household that is all female; my father is almost never home during my late child-hood. Therefore I probably tried to over-compensate by prominently displaying my masculine attributes and form attachments to figures whom I found "manly."
My first father figure/male role-model in retrospect was a hugely positive influence on my life; he inspired me in so many ways and I idolised my every perception of him. I met him in high school where we were in the same boarding house. I joined debating, fencing, and computer science almost solely due to his influence and these activities each in their own way helped to define me as a person. He was and still is the personification of raw talent; and I found myself lacking in trying to emulate his achievements. However, as with all heroes (in literature and in reality) they fall. While he was blessed with talent that is second to none, he also lacked that ability to concentrate on any particular discipline for long. The last thing that he taught me that talent by itself is not enough and that success depends on equal amounts of talent, hard work, and luck. But he inspired me to reach out and try to better myself. The bar that he set for me was almost impossible for me to achieve but in the vain attempts I become a much better person because of it.
The second is one of my fathers business partners. For a short while he was a father figure to me. Guided me in ways that my own failed to communicate, taught me a lesson that I have been applying with a certain amount of success:
"It's not what you are, it's what people think that you are."
His fall (as my hero and mentor) is also defined by that statement, because I realised that is all he is: show. Lacking in any real substance, lots of talk but little action. Plenty of good ideas but a complete lack of ability to execute. I was devastated when one of his former employees described him as "eating soft-rice" a euphemism for someone who lives off his wife. I was offended by that notion and tried to defend him - but unable to. My perception of the man shattered, but I felt that at least he was a good moral guidance - showing me the way forward in trying to reconcile my Chinese heritage and Western Education. That too was shattered after a small misunderstanding over the amount of R800. Considering that my fathers dealings with him run into the tens of million, for him to show me so much spite and malice over such a insignificant amount furthered destroyed my opinion of him. Over time I lost whatever respect I had for him when he started calling me incompetent behind my back and blamed me for the failures that him the managing partner was responsible for.
Today, I not only have no respect for him I actively loath him as a person. I write this not because rage nor sadness, but rather as another interesting view on my own emotional development and ponder on how someone can fall from such heights.
Now I spent a lot of time psycho analysing myself and trying to figure out what makes me tick and I concluded that my propensity for hero worship is due to growing up as the youngest member in a big household that is all female; my father is almost never home during my late child-hood. Therefore I probably tried to over-compensate by prominently displaying my masculine attributes and form attachments to figures whom I found "manly."
My first father figure/male role-model in retrospect was a hugely positive influence on my life; he inspired me in so many ways and I idolised my every perception of him. I met him in high school where we were in the same boarding house. I joined debating, fencing, and computer science almost solely due to his influence and these activities each in their own way helped to define me as a person. He was and still is the personification of raw talent; and I found myself lacking in trying to emulate his achievements. However, as with all heroes (in literature and in reality) they fall. While he was blessed with talent that is second to none, he also lacked that ability to concentrate on any particular discipline for long. The last thing that he taught me that talent by itself is not enough and that success depends on equal amounts of talent, hard work, and luck. But he inspired me to reach out and try to better myself. The bar that he set for me was almost impossible for me to achieve but in the vain attempts I become a much better person because of it.
The second is one of my fathers business partners. For a short while he was a father figure to me. Guided me in ways that my own failed to communicate, taught me a lesson that I have been applying with a certain amount of success:
"It's not what you are, it's what people think that you are."
His fall (as my hero and mentor) is also defined by that statement, because I realised that is all he is: show. Lacking in any real substance, lots of talk but little action. Plenty of good ideas but a complete lack of ability to execute. I was devastated when one of his former employees described him as "eating soft-rice" a euphemism for someone who lives off his wife. I was offended by that notion and tried to defend him - but unable to. My perception of the man shattered, but I felt that at least he was a good moral guidance - showing me the way forward in trying to reconcile my Chinese heritage and Western Education. That too was shattered after a small misunderstanding over the amount of R800. Considering that my fathers dealings with him run into the tens of million, for him to show me so much spite and malice over such a insignificant amount furthered destroyed my opinion of him. Over time I lost whatever respect I had for him when he started calling me incompetent behind my back and blamed me for the failures that him the managing partner was responsible for.
Today, I not only have no respect for him I actively loath him as a person. I write this not because rage nor sadness, but rather as another interesting view on my own emotional development and ponder on how someone can fall from such heights.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Road Trips
Originally Published 9th August 2007
I enjoy running. Or at least, at one stage in my life despite being one of the worst long distance runners I know, I have somehow always enjoyed it. At first the pain seem unbearable, but after a while time seem to loose it meaning, your legs numb and seem to continue moving by itself. The mental state that is sometimes addictive and I personally contribute as the single biggest reason I loved running.
Long distance drives has a similar effect on me, but in different ways. My perception of the horizon slowly changes and colours seem to take on a different meaning. The feeling is almost spiritual, as if the Heaven's Lights shone just on me for that instant.
I was driving in a mountainous terrain just before dawn, had been driving for almost eight hours non-stop through the night, I was exhausted but at the same time uplifted. Every cold morning breath I breathed in revived me as much as watching the sun dawning through the thick fog. Beams of light broke through the fog and right in front of my eyes the mountain range around me reveals itself. For the crescendo I watched the sun rise above the mountains, a hundred times larger than I remembered it to be. It's rays filtered by the fog was gentle and I looked upon this object of a thousand shades of white, yellow, orange and red. This scene was beautiful beyond words and I felt the urge to stop and worship this perfectly explainable phenomenon
Mindless driving seems to calm me down. Something inside of me settles down. It calms the restlessness in me and I look within myself during that time. Someday, I feel as if I should just drive the old Merc down one road and just carry on driving. Forgetting about possible aspirations and ambitions, at the same time forget about problems and anxieties.
I enjoy running. Or at least, at one stage in my life despite being one of the worst long distance runners I know, I have somehow always enjoyed it. At first the pain seem unbearable, but after a while time seem to loose it meaning, your legs numb and seem to continue moving by itself. The mental state that is sometimes addictive and I personally contribute as the single biggest reason I loved running.
Long distance drives has a similar effect on me, but in different ways. My perception of the horizon slowly changes and colours seem to take on a different meaning. The feeling is almost spiritual, as if the Heaven's Lights shone just on me for that instant.
I was driving in a mountainous terrain just before dawn, had been driving for almost eight hours non-stop through the night, I was exhausted but at the same time uplifted. Every cold morning breath I breathed in revived me as much as watching the sun dawning through the thick fog. Beams of light broke through the fog and right in front of my eyes the mountain range around me reveals itself. For the crescendo I watched the sun rise above the mountains, a hundred times larger than I remembered it to be. It's rays filtered by the fog was gentle and I looked upon this object of a thousand shades of white, yellow, orange and red. This scene was beautiful beyond words and I felt the urge to stop and worship this perfectly explainable phenomenon
Mindless driving seems to calm me down. Something inside of me settles down. It calms the restlessness in me and I look within myself during that time. Someday, I feel as if I should just drive the old Merc down one road and just carry on driving. Forgetting about possible aspirations and ambitions, at the same time forget about problems and anxieties.
Monday, January 31, 2011
她從來都沒有愛過我
我記得幾個月前我看到張小嫻在面書（Facebook)上寫過這一句：
”世界上最遙遠的距離. 不是生與死. 而是我就站在你面前. 你卻不知道我愛你“
這句話我覺得形容我剛剛追安娜的時候的感覺，讀了這一句話我又開始心酸了。
但是其實我是在自欺欺人，因為我知道她不傻。至少沒有我一開始想像中是那麼天真。她很清楚的了解我對她的意思，她把我玩於指掌；但是我也是心甘情願。
那天當我第一次親她之後的那一瞬間，我悟覺到了一個現實：“她永遠都不會愛我的”
但我並不介意，在那一刻我意識到了我未來的痛苦同時了解到了另一個事實：“我是真的愛上了她”
當時的我只希望每一份每一刻都在她的身旁，繼續擁抱著我的美夢繼續這一份我明知不可能的追求。
我可能只是她平衡心理的一個犧牲品,但我自己何嘗沒有做過類似的事？
可能她當時也試過愛我，也想愛我。
我也估計她說會我是神經病；說我們根本就沒有開始過，也許她是對的。但這不改變我曾經把心和靈魂雙手供奉，並不改變我是真的受傷了。
現實是經過所有一切： ”她從來都沒有愛過我“
English Translation:
I remembered that few months ago the novelist Zhang Xiao Xing wrote on facebook: "The greatest distance is not the distance between life and death, rather that I'm standing right in front of you and you don't know that I loved you"
When I first read that line, my heart-ached a while thinking how that was I felt when I first started chasing Anna.
But that is a lie, she isn't stupid. At least she isn't that naive, she knew my feelings and played me on the palm of her hands.
I was then reminded the moment of our first kiss, how in a moment of sudden brilliant clarity I knew: "She will never love me."
I also recalled how at that point that I don't mind and came to the conclusion that: "I have truly fallen in love with this woman"
That time I just wanted to spend every moment with her, chasing a dream that I knew will never be; because I was happy.
I was just a sacrifice at the alter of her broken heart, who am I to judge? Have I not done the same?
Maybe she did try to love me at one stage， wanted to love me.
She will most probably call me delusional, that we never even started and maybe she is right. But that doesn't change the fact that I present my heart and soul to her and the reality of the pain.
After everything, the simple truth was that "She never loved me"
”世界上最遙遠的距離. 不是生與死. 而是我就站在你面前. 你卻不知道我愛你“
這句話我覺得形容我剛剛追安娜的時候的感覺，讀了這一句話我又開始心酸了。
但是其實我是在自欺欺人，因為我知道她不傻。至少沒有我一開始想像中是那麼天真。她很清楚的了解我對她的意思，她把我玩於指掌；但是我也是心甘情願。
那天當我第一次親她之後的那一瞬間，我悟覺到了一個現實：“她永遠都不會愛我的”
但我並不介意，在那一刻我意識到了我未來的痛苦同時了解到了另一個事實：“我是真的愛上了她”
當時的我只希望每一份每一刻都在她的身旁，繼續擁抱著我的美夢繼續這一份我明知不可能的追求。
我可能只是她平衡心理的一個犧牲品,但我自己何嘗沒有做過類似的事？
可能她當時也試過愛我，也想愛我。
我也估計她說會我是神經病；說我們根本就沒有開始過，也許她是對的。但這不改變我曾經把心和靈魂雙手供奉，並不改變我是真的受傷了。
現實是經過所有一切： ”她從來都沒有愛過我“
English Translation:
I remembered that few months ago the novelist Zhang Xiao Xing wrote on facebook: "The greatest distance is not the distance between life and death, rather that I'm standing right in front of you and you don't know that I loved you"
When I first read that line, my heart-ached a while thinking how that was I felt when I first started chasing Anna.
But that is a lie, she isn't stupid. At least she isn't that naive, she knew my feelings and played me on the palm of her hands.
I was then reminded the moment of our first kiss, how in a moment of sudden brilliant clarity I knew: "She will never love me."
I also recalled how at that point that I don't mind and came to the conclusion that: "I have truly fallen in love with this woman"
That time I just wanted to spend every moment with her, chasing a dream that I knew will never be; because I was happy.
I was just a sacrifice at the alter of her broken heart, who am I to judge? Have I not done the same?
Maybe she did try to love me at one stage， wanted to love me.
She will most probably call me delusional, that we never even started and maybe she is right. But that doesn't change the fact that I present my heart and soul to her and the reality of the pain.
After everything, the simple truth was that "She never loved me"
Monday, January 17, 2011
Update on Fitness
Since November 2009, I have been engaged on a full fitness program that involves me running on a treadmill, a lot.
Now almost 14 months later these are basically the results:
* Body Fat index has dropped from around 35% to 21%
* Lost over 11.5kg (Started at 98kg and now a 86.5)
* Cholesterol has dropped by almost 0.3 points
* Blood Pressure is mostly in the "perfect zone" of 120/60
* VO2 Max (according to my heart rate monitor) has gone from 31 to 52.
* Went from a size 38 pant size to now a perfect 34.
The more subjective indicators has shown that I have drastically improved my muscle definition, particularly on my legs, but I'm excited to see that I can see clear definitions on my arms, shoulders as well as abdominal areas - though they tend to be rather limited at this stage. The man-boobs that has caused much self-conscious has been drastically reduced but still a point of embarrassment for me.
I started in November 2009 setting myself the very lofty goal of weighing less than 83kg - the weight category that I fought my first Judo National Championships in. Though I weighed closer to 79kg then, I wanted to return to that category.
That goals seems so ideal at the time, now I'm going to have to redefine that goal in a combination of indicators and not only pant size and weight alone. I have gained tremendous amounts of muscle mass in my legs, and while my waistline will most probably continue to shrink using that as an indicator might be counter-productive.
When I first started, I only cared about spending A LOT of time on the treadmill doing cardio, I forgone any form of cross training and thinking back now it was a huge mistake. I started off well with stretching but lately I have been lax in that department and is not as flexible as I was 6 month ago. Diet wise I feel that I've achieve the right balance...except for the alcohol consumption in recent months, but I suspect with my own emotional turmoil settling down so should that... I think.
Now I try cross train and rotate between: Boxing, Running, Weights, Swimming. I take the occasional protein shake meal replacement for supper when I'm not able to cook properly. Focus on more efficient training will be a priority as my time has become more demanding since I started.
Without all that being said here are the objectives for the next 6 months in no particular order:
* Weight Reduction by 5kg
* Body Fat Index by another 7%
* Reduce the waistline by another size
* Improve flexibility
These are rather ambitious goals, but attainable within that kind of time frame. My vanity also wishes that by this time in June, I would be able to get rid of my man-boobs once and for all.
Now almost 14 months later these are basically the results:
* Body Fat index has dropped from around 35% to 21%
* Lost over 11.5kg (Started at 98kg and now a 86.5)
* Cholesterol has dropped by almost 0.3 points
* Blood Pressure is mostly in the "perfect zone" of 120/60
* VO2 Max (according to my heart rate monitor) has gone from 31 to 52.
* Went from a size 38 pant size to now a perfect 34.
The more subjective indicators has shown that I have drastically improved my muscle definition, particularly on my legs, but I'm excited to see that I can see clear definitions on my arms, shoulders as well as abdominal areas - though they tend to be rather limited at this stage. The man-boobs that has caused much self-conscious has been drastically reduced but still a point of embarrassment for me.
I started in November 2009 setting myself the very lofty goal of weighing less than 83kg - the weight category that I fought my first Judo National Championships in. Though I weighed closer to 79kg then, I wanted to return to that category.
That goals seems so ideal at the time, now I'm going to have to redefine that goal in a combination of indicators and not only pant size and weight alone. I have gained tremendous amounts of muscle mass in my legs, and while my waistline will most probably continue to shrink using that as an indicator might be counter-productive.
When I first started, I only cared about spending A LOT of time on the treadmill doing cardio, I forgone any form of cross training and thinking back now it was a huge mistake. I started off well with stretching but lately I have been lax in that department and is not as flexible as I was 6 month ago. Diet wise I feel that I've achieve the right balance...except for the alcohol consumption in recent months, but I suspect with my own emotional turmoil settling down so should that... I think.
Now I try cross train and rotate between: Boxing, Running, Weights, Swimming. I take the occasional protein shake meal replacement for supper when I'm not able to cook properly. Focus on more efficient training will be a priority as my time has become more demanding since I started.
Without all that being said here are the objectives for the next 6 months in no particular order:
* Weight Reduction by 5kg
* Body Fat Index by another 7%
* Reduce the waistline by another size
* Improve flexibility
These are rather ambitious goals, but attainable within that kind of time frame. My vanity also wishes that by this time in June, I would be able to get rid of my man-boobs once and for all.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
"Woman do be Crazy"
I have had an interesting couple of months recently.
It seems lately I have gotten myself into one woman trouble to another in quick secessions and without really understanding how I managed to get here in the first place. While I do enjoy having a few of my friends reading this blog nowadays, I'm now also a little timid to write some of the very personal messed up shit here.
But in one such episode, I was set up by a Chinese family friend who wanted to introduce me to a girl that he thought I would "hit it off with." Much to my surprise, I did. She is an interesting person - open minded, spontaneous, and lots of fun. We chatted for hours during our first meeting and realised that there was a mutual attraction. But at the end of the day, she is just here in SA for a year and I just wasn't ready. Before long it was obvious to everyone around that she was very interested and I still remained reserved - after one incident she finally made an ultimatum and asked what she is to me. I answered as truthfully as I can - I don't know, yet. I treat her like a really good friend. Afterwards she didn't bring it up again.
"That's her boyfriend"
Someone told me couple of weeks later I was both surprised and hurt. When I inquired a bit further I she basically lined me and someone else up and when I didn't commit she moved onto number 2. I don't deny that at first all I felt was my ego being deflated, but a week after the initial shock and injured pride I thought to myself today "What the Fuck?" People wonder why I have trust issues. Here I called myself an ass hole because I thought I had hurt her feelings by not committing. She still wouldn't let me know that she already found herself another boyfriend.
I'm reminded of the one joke made by Chris Rock in one of his stand-ups. "Woman don't have platonic friends. Platonic friends are like a dick in a glass jar - break in case of emergencies."
Ladies, please be nice - I never had much trust in me to start off with. But I really do feel that you guys are starting to crush the very little I had in the first place.
EDIT: A few friends commented why I'm so pissed off at the girls response to my obvious rejection. Well, I guess I'm just being a stupid romantic this time round. I don't want to believe that you can genuinely like someone and then move onto Option B without batting an eyelash. In one sense I'm just disappointed that humans (in this case members of the fairer sex) can do that so easily. Guess the cynic in me has returned and is wondering what I'm fussing about in the first place.
MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: Kill the romantic and long live the cynic.
It seems lately I have gotten myself into one woman trouble to another in quick secessions and without really understanding how I managed to get here in the first place. While I do enjoy having a few of my friends reading this blog nowadays, I'm now also a little timid to write some of the very personal messed up shit here.
But in one such episode, I was set up by a Chinese family friend who wanted to introduce me to a girl that he thought I would "hit it off with." Much to my surprise, I did. She is an interesting person - open minded, spontaneous, and lots of fun. We chatted for hours during our first meeting and realised that there was a mutual attraction. But at the end of the day, she is just here in SA for a year and I just wasn't ready. Before long it was obvious to everyone around that she was very interested and I still remained reserved - after one incident she finally made an ultimatum and asked what she is to me. I answered as truthfully as I can - I don't know, yet. I treat her like a really good friend. Afterwards she didn't bring it up again.
"That's her boyfriend"
Someone told me couple of weeks later I was both surprised and hurt. When I inquired a bit further I she basically lined me and someone else up and when I didn't commit she moved onto number 2. I don't deny that at first all I felt was my ego being deflated, but a week after the initial shock and injured pride I thought to myself today "What the Fuck?" People wonder why I have trust issues. Here I called myself an ass hole because I thought I had hurt her feelings by not committing. She still wouldn't let me know that she already found herself another boyfriend.
I'm reminded of the one joke made by Chris Rock in one of his stand-ups. "Woman don't have platonic friends. Platonic friends are like a dick in a glass jar - break in case of emergencies."
Ladies, please be nice - I never had much trust in me to start off with. But I really do feel that you guys are starting to crush the very little I had in the first place.
EDIT: A few friends commented why I'm so pissed off at the girls response to my obvious rejection. Well, I guess I'm just being a stupid romantic this time round. I don't want to believe that you can genuinely like someone and then move onto Option B without batting an eyelash. In one sense I'm just disappointed that humans (in this case members of the fairer sex) can do that so easily. Guess the cynic in me has returned and is wondering what I'm fussing about in the first place.
MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: Kill the romantic and long live the cynic.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)